Wednesday, December 29, 2010

first night

You know, they always say your first time is the most nerve wrecking, and it almost always gets better after that.

I found that out last night.

Gord was in the shower and I hurried and changed into my pajamas (hey I didn’t want him walking in on me standing there in the nude and he would be all soapy. Not my kind of story) and got into bed. once in bed, I began to freak out. I have never ever in my entire 21 and ½ years shared a bed with a man, or a boyfriend. And I was freaking out. And I didn’t know if he liked me or not, and I wasn’t sure how it would go. And so I freaked out.

When he got out of the shower he found me sitting in bed wrapped in the blankets, not ready to go to bed. he said he was tired, and leaned over to turn off his light. I turned mine off as well; and the darkness filled the room.

And let me just tell you, I felt instantly better. The next thing I know he tells me ‘lets cuddle love’ and his arm is being wrapped around me, and I am continuing to freak out.

And I am not moving. And stiff. And making sure oh my god don’t move because then he will get interrupted and he may not like that.

And then he told me I could move.

And I started to calm down. And I felt him kiss my forehead. And his arms were wrapped around me, and it felt amazing. And perfect.

And I loved every minute of it.

And I really mean, I loved every minute of it. because it was super hot in the room (probably because I was nice and set the temp to 80 degrees before we went to bed) and with me getting all frisky with his hand being on my lower back for a little while. I did not get any sleep.

But him not getting any sleep made me feel better.

And tonight, I am not nervous. And you best believe his arm better be around me again. because that is the only way I want to sleep.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

nervous

I am starting to get nervous about Gord coming. Meeting for the first time. I am not worrying about the rational things, like him liking me or us having chemistry. I am more worried about things like:

What if he pictured me taller?
What happens if he doesn’t find me attractive?
Omg what happens if he doesn’t show up and I am just stranded at the airport and there is a blizzard and it turns into a horror movie?
What if my breath spells?
What if I forget my deodorant? Would it be awkward to borrow his?
What if he decides he doesn’t like me upon seeing me in person?

Ya know, these are the thing EVERY person should worry about when meeting their boyfriend for the first time at the airport.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

happy list

I have a lot to be happy about right now; and to be honest I don’t really have anything to make me unhappy. So, I thought I would make a list of 10 things that make me unbelievably happy right now.

1. I found a website that allows me to watch tv series online, so I am watching buffy from episode one (I am on episode 6 right now! Yippie!)
2. Christmas is almost here. Which is never ever a bad thing, but this is especially good for me. because once Christmas is here I will REALLY stop Christmas shopping. Since I don’t really have any other choice.
3. I am getting along well with my family right now.
4. Heracio makes me smile every day. mostly because his cage looks like a disaster and if I fix it, he gets uberly pissed and fixes it how he wants it (which is a mess).
5. I already know what my new years resolutions are going to be.
6. I have pictures all over my room that I have taken, and I LOVE looking at them all of the time.
7. I get to go to my grandmas for Christmas, I haven’t been there for a very very long time.
8. I have goals right now, and am looking in to a few things.
9. I painted my nails with sparkle nail polish today. I thought it would be fun for Christmas (and then will be taken off).
10. Gord will be here NEXT TUESDAY. He will be here next week. yippie! I will write more about that later.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

no worries

I am not going to lie, I like the fact that Gord has money. It means I know he will get me something for my birthday. It means if I ever tell him ‘I would like to go to Vancouver RIGHT NOW’ I will have a ticket. I know if anything happens to me, and he needs to come here, he doesn’t have to worry about the money to get here.

It means the mini-roadtrip we are taking in 3 weeks will be a lot more luxurious than I am used to. if he had the same income I do, we would be staying in Minnesota, in an adequate hotel. But we are staying in suites. We made dinner reservations at a restaurant that has a dress code.

And I am not worried about affording anything, because I know he can afford it. Will I treat him to dinner a few times? Yes. Do I have to? No. but it will make me feel good to treat him, and I think he will like that I never expect him to pay.

I will have enough money to pay for myself, for everything we do. Because I feel that is what is right. It is extremely nice of him to take care of everything, but I know he is doing it because he wants to, not because he has to. And I think that is how it should be.

Monday, December 6, 2010

fuck.. wait what?

I find that I like the word fuck right now. I have no idea why. I am not a curser, in fact, if someone curses around me it is usually followed by a ‘no cursing!’ from me. but in my head its
Fuck this.
Fuck that.
Fuck it.
And I have no idea why. I have even started cursing aloud when I am by myself. But do not fear, I know I must keep up the ‘no cursing’ rule, so I would never ever curse in front of anyone else. At least not yet.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

nutshell

I got off of work today at 5pm. I drove home, and by 5:24 I was already in pajamas. I sat down at my computer, and tried to decide to eat dinner, or skip it. I can’t help but check my email every few hours just to see if she decided to make contact with me. After not wanting anything to do with me, she decided to send a thank you card. A fucking thank you card, telling me she appreciated me going to her apartment and checking it out. To tell me she was happy I could see it.

I shouldn’t have opened that letter. I saw her return address and knew it wouldn’t be good. Gord is going to be here at the end of the month. You know how exciting that is to say? The end of the month and he will be here. Less than 30 days. It seems sort of unreal. He has always simply been over the phone. But he will be here. I will be able to taste him and touch him. I am a wee nervous about the touching part, but it will be okay. I haven’t decided either way on how much touching we will be doing, I am doing the ‘wait and see’ thing.

I decided to have thanksgiving left over’s for dinner. It was pretty good. For lunch I brought pizza rolls to work. I think everyone was a bit jealous.

I am in bed now, showered and in pajamas. I have to catch up on my DVR.

Tomorrow if it is nice enough out, I would like to walk to the pirate ship park. And then I can come home and get ready for work.

I have to find a way to stop missing her. It is not good for me.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

guest post

Sometimes I have really BRILLIANT ideas that no one really accepts as brilliant. I have a lot of beliefs, and I feel everyone else has just as many as me (at least that is what I like to think). So, I set out a quest to get some beliefs out of Gord. Apparently this is all that he believes in because he started getting cranky at me for continually pestering him about needing to believe in more. So, for your viewing pleasure here is his list. Aka my VERY FIRST guest post (it still counts even though the guest didn’t really know he was guest posting)!


1. I believe bacon tastes great with breakfast
2. I believe in a cold beer after a hard days work
3. I believe in a glass of wine after a good meal
4. I believe a man should be paid what he is worth; not a penny more, or a penny less
5. I believe in fairness
6. And honesty
7. I believe in people that are honorable
8. I believe respect is something that is earned
9. I believe in working hard
10. I believe in Murphy’s Law
11. I believe sometimes you should just stay in bed because the day is not going to go your way
12. I believe you cannot expect other people to treat you well, if you are not going to treat them well.
13. I believe in euthanasia and abortion
14. I believe romance is not dead in this world, its just that a lot of people have forgotten it

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

must know

Things you may not know about me but should:

1. I see everything in picture form. It doesn’t matter if I have my camera handy or not, I am always thinking ‘omg… that would make an amazing picture’; sometimes that feeling gets so strong I have to stop and take a picture with my phone.
2. I refuse to be mean to someone. I believe there is a difference between being mean and standing up for ones self.
3. I am loud. And I don’t care if people look at me because of it.
4. i always give people the benefit of the doubt. I see things through their eyes as much as I can. It takes something very big for me to decide I don’t like someone, but once I decide that, there is no going back.
5. I am much better at spending money than saving it, I have no self control when I am shopping. That is why I refuse to get a credit card.
6. I watch Ellen everyday.. it takes me about 20 minutes to get through one episode.
7. I buy all of my books because that is cheaper than paying off my library fine.
8. I think about Christmas year round.
9. Heracio is my pet rabbit. My next pet after him will be a dog.
10. I do not like waiting. When something feels right, I want it to happen in that moment. I don’t like waiting until a certain time or date.
11. I am 21 ½. Yes, I did celebrate.
12. I enjoy eating. But I am learning to control that.
13. In high school I was quiet because I knew I was different but didn’t want anyone to dislike me because of it. now that I am older I am more myself than ever before, and I find people like me more.
14. Sometimes I pretend to be mad when really I am hurting.
15. I finished my Christmas shopping well before thanksgiving this year.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Battling the Day

Gord is busy. He runs a company. The time he can spend talking to me is limited. That is how it was when him and I started talking, and that is how it always has been. This will not be changing. These are facts. These are things that I live with and I deal with because I want to be with him.

But sometimes I hate it. I want him to stay in bed and forget about his coffee. I want him to tell me it is all right, and no matter what happens he loves me. I want him to make me feel better. I want to sit on the phone and just know he is there when I am ready to talk. When I am ready to cry.

But he is busy. He has work to do. and so he has to get up in the morning and get his coffee, so he can start on his day.

And I have to battle the day without him.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

ex bestie


This picture makes me sad.

I think it was taken when everyone in the picture was having a lot of fun. Everyone was happy and excited about what was going on. We were all talking and laughing.

This was the last time I saw my best friend.
And let me tell you, I miss her more than I am willing to admit.

At this point in time I don’t even consider her a friend, because of how she has been acting.

That picture is the last memories I may ever have with her.

Monday, November 8, 2010

perfect fit

I opened the blinds in my bedroom for the first time in a very long time today, and would you like to know what I see? A finch; and that is about the time I realize I have never seen one before so how in the world do I know it is really a finch? Because I simply just know it is.

That is sort of how I got a guinea pig. I heard the name somewhere or read it, but I had never seen one. But I knew I would LOVE it if I got one. So, for Christmas one year I got one, and I realized how much I loved it. the guinea pig was perfect for me, and it just felt right.

I make a lot of decisions on what feels right. Its how I decide on most large purchases.

That’s how I picked out my car. I KNEW it was right for me, it just fit me so well. Its also how I make important, life changing decisions. My job at trugreen just FEELS right. It fits me, and its not perfect but it is definitely meant to be.

Sometimes I do things that people don’t understand. My parents didn’t understand why I wanted a guinea pig. No one understood why I loved the car so much and why I was so hell bent on buying that one.

But it all worked out.

It is time for Gord and I to meet. It feels right. I feel that it is supposed to happen now.

I am not a patient person, I will be the first to admit that. so when I decided I was FINALLY ready to meet him and his reaction is ‘well, we will have to look at when we can meet up’ and he has to talk to people and I am supposed to talk to people but probably won’t. we need to plan things out and yadda yadda.

Gosh darn businessmen and their careful planning.

So, I would like this ASAP, tomorrow would be perfect. But he would like it to be around new years, and his birthday (January third). And so we will have to talk to our people and get back to each other. And plan. And plan. And plan.

And can I be honest? I am going through stages or worry

‘omg first kiss! what if I am not good at this stuff?’
‘I am so not having sex yet, what if he gets mad?’
‘eekk!! What if we hate each other?’
‘what if I am nervous so I ramble and he falls asleep with my rambling?’

And then there are the other stages where I KNOW everything will be alright. This is the first step of us expanding our relationship. He will visit here and then i will get a passport so I can visit him, and see the things he loves. And in time, we will decide what is best for us. And I KNOW, I simply KNOW this is what is meant to be. It feels right. And there is no need for me to get mad that we have to wait so long, and I don’t have to worry about being smelly. It will be perfect and better than I have imagined.

Because it is time. And it is right.
And I can hardly wait for everything to happen… I just wish it could happen RIGHT NOW.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Love

Dear Gord,
I really want to update our site today but you said you wanted to do it. and if I am being honest, I like reading your posts more than I like doing them. I made an omelet for breakfast; well it was more scrambled eggs with green pepper and cheese mixed in. but I tired.

You know when we first started talking, and you said something about not being in a hurry to meet, and we will do it when I am ready, but you also said I had to be fair to you; you couldn’t wait forever. And you said something about waiting five years. And in my head I was like ‘yikes, five years I will be 25 and I will still be really young. Maybe we should forget about this because I don’t know if I will be ready’ but I didn’t. because I am sort of selfish when it comes to you.

I have a confession, I have a lot of energy right now, but I have decided I don’t want to do anything. Other than dance, and write this to you. so, I think that is productive enough. Because when you see me dancing, you will realize how entertaining it is. Trust me.

I am amazed at us. I am amazed at everything we have gone through and how strong we are because of it. I am amazed at your ability to love me JUST the way I am.

When my grandma was here last week she made a comment about how happy I am, and how I just seem to ‘glow’. And I laughed and said it was just because I was happy to see her. But I think her and I both know its because of you. by you being yourself, you teach me things every day. you have helped me grow as a person so much this past 10 months.

I am glad we don’t fight. Because I don’t like fighting, and getting all worked up and getting angry at people. I really hate that.

I don’t know what I would do without you. you brighten up my days. you make me smile and laugh every day (even when you are exhausted). I would not change a thing about you.

Thank you for being in my life and being such a powerful presence.

I love you with all of my heart, and I hope we continue to grow together and experience all of life’s obstacles together.

Your Love,
Jessica

( I would have mailed this to you.. but I think it may be your turn on the penpal thing)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

stories that are short.

Short stories:

I thought the T. Swift cd came out on Tuesday… so I had my lazy day on Monday, and was going to go out and get it on Tuesday and start packing and whatnot. Well, then I found out it actually came out on Monday –insert squeal here-!!!!! So, I got dressed and in my wet hair (I had just gotten out of the shower) I went to the bank. And I thought it was awfully nice that the lady asked me if it was raining out. And it was sprinkling a little, but not as hard as it looked like with my wet hair. So I explained about T.Swift and then realized she was giving me a crazy look because she was asking about the rain because of the umbrella I had in my hand..

I was going out to take pictures today. And I had my camera ready, and I found the shoe that I wanted, and searched and searched for the other shoe. I had no idea where it went, it should have been right there next to the other shoe. I looked down, thinking maybe I missed it; and found the shoe… on my foot.

I hope you are all having a good week!! this lazy week sure is going slow!

Tata!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

coffee table Love

Stacy has moved into the apartment, and i will be moving in December 1st. we have everything we need, other than a coffee table. so My Love, Gord, said he would like to get that for us as a moving in present.

Him and I were talking about what Stacy and I want, and it seemed we were all three on the same page. something simple that can hold storage.

And then Gord and I both did a google search.. and the thoughts of this being easy diminished. he showed me this:


... and that is not at all what Stacy and I were thinking.

So, since I am the nicest girl ever I tried to steer him in the right direction with this piece:

My Love informed me that was not a coffee table.. but an ottoman, since I am young and hip -ahem- I educated him on this being the new trend; he still doesnt seem to be too fond of trends that are from 1940 and beyond.

I am still playing nice and I found a piece that is a good match for what we both want:


... and Mr. Picky does really like the wood on something like this.. but he doesn't really like the top of it.


And this is picking out a coffee table for a place he isnt even living in. this is making me nervous for the day (if the day comes) that him and I decorate a house we will be living in together.

Well, at least he goes on a hunting trip for a week.. that would be enough time to decorate a house.. right?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

positive me is back!

I think part of growing up is feeling inadequate.

You feel like your body is inadequate, because you do not look like the airbrushed girls in magazines.
There is something you can always do better at work, and you feel like you fall short no matter how hard you work.
You always feel like you let down your friends. Whether its because you don’t have enough time to spend with them, or because you are too busy when they need you the most.

Would you guys like to know a secret? That may not really be a secret at all, but I like to think it is?

I battle with low self-esteem. I know I am an amazing person, I know I am not perfect, but I am myself, and I am true to myself, and that to me, is perfect.

Before Gord and I were well, Gord and I, he told me he only used to go for the perfect girls. HELLO I am far from perfect. And there is this nagging voice in the back of my head that I am not perfect, so I will not be good enough for him. but then I remind myself that he is with me. and he loves me for me, not for my body. he doesn’t love me for sex (good thing since I live about 3000 miles away). And he loved me before he even knew what I looked like. And by eating healthy and exercising, I can change my body; but I will never have a perfect body. and I like to think that he is okay with that because he loves me.

Lately I have been posting super negative posts. And I noticed it, but haven’t taken the time to fix it. and this post IS FIXING THAT. Because I HATE when I get all negative Nancy.

So. here is to being positive, again. And this is me vowing to talk more about my body issues and all of that important stuff on this here blog. Because like I have said before, this blog is meant to talk about everything. I know I am not the only one that has these issues. And I know, if I realize I am not alone I feel better; so talking about my issues and the areas that I feel are inadequate will help other people feel better and not so alone, than I am all for it!

(of course I will be putting a positive spin on it!)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

forever ends

I can’t think about it. All of the memories we made together, all of the experiences we had together. I think about how hard I have tried to change things and to make them right, and knowing nothing I have done has saved us.

I feel as if we both have failed at this. We promised each other change, and neither of us allowed it to happen.

It is hard to accept when forever ends.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

taboo no more.

When I started this blog, I decided nothing would be off-limits. I would talk about whatever I wanted, however I felt I wanted to talk about it. Gord is a very private person; him and I had a conversation and he said that he will not tell me I cannot write about sex, but he is not comfortable with it himself. He would not stop me from writing about it, and I can do as I wish.

Since he is not comfortable with it, I decided not to write about it. but lately I have been thinking; I write about sex because it seems so taboo for women to masturbate, and even more taboo for them to talk about it.

So I have decided to open up the SEX door again, and share my stories with all of you.

I never got aroused or turned on my fingering or penetration myself with some toy. It was just sort of ‘meh I should do it to prepare myself for sex’ but then somewhere along the lines I found I really enjoy using one small vibe as a dildo, and placing another one on my clit. The orgasms aren’t as intense, but I enjoy the feeling of having something inside me.

Since I seem to kill all of my vibes, it was only a matter of time before the one I was using on my clit buzzed out (teehee). That left me with either fingering myself, or buying a new toy.

HELLLOOOO new toy!!!

….it turned out to be a horrible toy, and I have not used it since the day a bought it (yea yea I rush home to try the new toys out when I get them, so what).

So I just decided my clit was fine and dandy. It gets the job done.

Well, lately I find that I FREAKING LOVE fingering myself with a vibe on my clit.

Oh my gosh. Again, orgasm is not as strong, but I LOVE the feeling.

And isn’t masturbating all about the feeling?

Monday, September 13, 2010

maybe i am wrong

I see myself as a really great person. I feel that I have great morals, I hold myself to a high standard. I am honest, I care about others. I love everyone and do not judge. I see myself as a very nice, very caring person.

But could I be wrong?

Over this past week or two, friends and family have been coming out of the woodwork and telling me how horrible of a person I am. I have been getting told how selfish and rude I am. I have been getting told that I don’t care about anyone but myself and am pushing all of my friends away in order to get what I want.

I like to believe that all of the people that tell me those things are wrong. they do not know me or simply want to believe I am a horrible person to make themselves feel better. I hold myself up and stay strong. I stay true to what I believe and ignore what they say.

But, I have a confession.

I am starting to doubt myself. If all of these people see me as such a horrible person, if they see me as so selfish and such a self centered person, maybe they are right. There is the saying ‘maybe its not everyone else, maybe its you’ that may hold true here.

The people that I have in my corner are becoming fewer and fewer but the other side of the ring is growing stronger and gaining fans all of the time.

I do not see myself as a bad person. I see myself as the type of person I would look up to; but what if I am wrong and am looking up to selfish people that push everyone down in order to get on top?

Monday, September 6, 2010

how to rest

The slow but steady steps to becoming sick:

Day one: nose is sniffly and people ask if you are getting sick, the only way to handle this step: DENY DENY DENY!

Day two: nose is still sniffly and your voice sometimes decides to play hide and seek. The best way to deal with this is to ignore the signs and continue to tell yourself and anyone that asks that you are NOT getting sick.

Day three: go to sleep at 11pm and wake up at 4pm, its not because you are sick. It is because you had to catch up on your sleep. When people say you look pale, just say you are losing your tan.

Day four: wake up feeling like cement. Head feels heavier than the world. Sleep sleep sleep. Voice is now full on a ‘sick voice’. People say you look like crap, and you do not have the strength to do anything. You are not sick, you simply are relaxing on the holiday.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

in summary

I am overwhelmed right now with my family. My father will be staying home from now on (well he goes to work, but then comes here at night) and my brother is back staying with us.

And I have to endure living here until early spring. And I know I can do it, but it is not going to be easy.

I think I have grown up a lot on this blog. I used to come here and write everything that was happening here before I thought anything out, or had a chance to absorb the situation. Now I have learned to take everything in, and then if there is need to write about it, I can.

My father is back.
And it started off pretty decent. But now my mother has decided she is NOT being nice to him at all, so in return he takes that out on me. when no one else is home other than him and I, he simply pretends I am not here. He will not acknowledge my presence at all. And when people are around, he makes sure that if he speaks to me he says things that he knows will affect me. he says things that are not nice, things that bring me down.

My brother is also back.
He was supposed to only be here for a few nights… that was over two weeks ago. I do not talk to him. in return, whenever I pass him and no one is in earshot he says something really nice like ‘fucking bitch’ or ‘stuck up whore’ you know, really nice things to say to someone. and at first I didn’t take that personally, because he is an alcoholic and it is NOT my brother right now. But after a few weeks of this, it sort of gets to you.

With my father around, there is starting to be a rift between my sister and I. my sister and I are just like any other siblings we will yell at each other and have really bad attitudes with each other, and five minutes later we will be going out shopping together because we are bored.
With my father around, my sister treats me badly, so I treat her equally as bad back. and then my father yells at me and makes sure that I know it is not okay to treat my younger sister that way. and then you know, five minutes later when I ask my sister to go to target he makes this HUGE deal out of the fact that just a little while ago I was treating her like crap and that I shouldn’t treat people like that and then expect them to want to do anything with me. so my sister of course, will not go with me.

My mother has changed as well.
When my mother and I are alone together, she is very sweet and very nice. She makes sure to ask about what I am doing and what I have going on. but as soon as my sister or father are around she makes sure to point out all of the things I am doing that she does not like. She will point out how I did not clean up my toast crumbs from the morning. Or how I was too loud when I came home the night before. She will often use the line ‘you need to help out around here more otherwise you can find someplace else to live’.


In the mist of all of this, stacy and I are not talking. And I love her and she is still my best friend, but I just feel like her and I need some space right now, because I keep hurting her feelings and she keeps hurting mine. And friends just need space sometimes. So I don’t have her house to escape to.

and I KNOW Gord will listen to me, but then I feel like I am complaining and being a debby downer, and I really do not want that to happen. I know he does not like hearing about the bad stuff, so I just don’t tell him.

so, my Dear Blog reads, I turn to you. to vent and to let it all out. I turn to you, because you are the best listeners for right now.

I thank you for reading, and sticking with me, even though sometimes I am rather boring and dramatic.

I love you all.

update

When first starting to talk to someone they hit on you, a lot. You say you are naked and they get all excited and are like ‘oohhh’ and their ermm interest is peaked. There is tons and tons of heavy flirting that goes on, making both people feel amazing.

But as time goes on, and the person that was hitting on you realizes he has you, its no longer important to flirt and be all interested in your nakedness. I think these signs mean the two people are now a couple that has settled into each other and are comfortable, and no longer feel the need to impress each other.
-----
I have found a full time job!!! I am now an auditor. It is exciting but also super boring. I do the same thing over and over and over again. but I am getting paid fairly well and HELLO that means in the spring everything will be set up and worked out so stacy and I can move out.

We have to wait until spring to do it because.. this job does a ‘seasonal lay-off’ because they do lawn care and well, in Minnesota no one needs their lawn mowed in the middle of winter. So after winter has passed we will move out. EEKKK!!

-----

Stacy and I are not talking right now. She was not being very nice, and it just sort of built up and built up and I sort of, very meanly, told her what I thought. She then sent me an email apologizing. A few days later we went out for ice cream, and she pretty much attacked me. she was not nice at all. I didn’t say much because I wasn’t in the best of moods, and I knew if I started talking I would say some mean things that I would later regret. So I was just quiet. And she ate SUPER slow so I couldn’t leave. and finally she said some things and I had had enough, and I told her I was leaving, she could stay there or leave with me. all I wanted to do was cry. She said some extremely mean things. Her and I have not talked since.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

saving VS camera

I very rarely spend money on myself. I can go out and go shopping, and buy something for my mom because it reminded me of her and something for my sister because she wanted it. But if I buy something for myself I feel bad. I know there are other things I could use the money for. I could pay off student loans or save it, always something better than spending something on myself.

I feel that when I do decide I want a new outfit or a pair of shoes and to actually spend a wee bit of money on it, that I have to justify it.

A few weeks ago I bought the Nikon D3000 camera. It is a decent priced camera; it’s not expensive for a camera, but it’s also not cheap.

After I purchased it my father and mother both yelled and me and could not believe I would spend that much money on a camera. They told me how irresponsible it was for me to get it, when I have student loans, and when I could save it so I can move out faster.

And when Stacy found out, she also gave me slack for it. She let me know that I SHOULD NOT have purchased it because I need to save money so we can move out faster. She let me know there are things that are more important than the camera.

The camera is estimated to be here tomorrow, and I can’t help but feel bad about getting it. I feel as if I shouldn’t have purchased it, and I should have saved the money instead. I feel like buying something that is going to keep me so happy, and so excited about something, is not something that is a priority.

And then I think about how hard I try to stay happy. How back in 2009 I made it my goal to be more happy and more positive, and how happier I am because of it. And when I am happy, I feel I am healthier and extremely confident. Laughing and smiling and being FUN to be around, makes putting such a big effort into being happy worth it.

So I think about how excited I am for this camera, and how much I paid for it. I think about how happy it is going to make me, and how everyone else is much happier around me, when I am happy. I think about how proud of myself I am when someone compliments a picture that I have taken.

I still feel guilty about buying MY camera; but the guilt is worth my happiness.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Payback

-This post is in this format because this is the only way I could get the person to agree to me posting the story-

The other day my friend was making dinner, and like usual, as his water began to boil his girlfriend called with hints of being naked and exploring her body. so, he did the gentlemanly thing, that his girlfriend really appreciates and turned the burner off to get frisky with his girlfriend.

They are getting frisky, and the moaning begins.. and then it ends. And they are left panting and oh so happy.

He gets out of bed, and begins making dinner, with his girl still on the phone. He turns on the burner.. and notices heat on his member.

The heat is getting worse

He finally tells his girlfriend

‘ohhh I think I got hot sauce on me’

Being the smart ass that she is she asked him where he was talking about

‘oohh I think you know’ was his response

She laughed. And laughed and laughed.
As her boyfriends member burned.

I think the term ‘payback is a bitch’ fits nicely here.

Monday, August 2, 2010

for your pleasure...






I thought I would give you all more pictures to look at.
I am super excited to announce in 7-10 business days, the Nikon D3000 SLR camera, will be mine; and in my hands.

Friday, July 30, 2010

(i cant think of a title right now)

I don’t like being strong all of the time.

I am the one everyone turns to when they need someone to tell them it will be okay. I make jokes and find the one thing that makes someone feel better. I help people find themselves again, I teach them how to be happy and how to have confidence.

I am the one that downplays how serious it is when the doctor says ‘you might have cancer’.

I am always the one that says it is going to be okay, just wait a few days. I make sure to find something good in the moment.

I fix everyone’s problems.

I take the pain away that everyone else is feeling. I make sure everyone is okay and that they can sleep at night.

Sometimes it’s just too much.

I feel that if I need someone to tell me it’s going to be alright, or to stay up and make sure I fall asleep, that I am seen as weak. I make sure that I take care of how I am feeling and evaluate what I need and how I can be happy, before I tell anyone about it.

But sometimes, like tonight, I wish I didn’t have to fix everyone.

I want to just be normal. I want to be the one that gets to scream and freak out when the car is sliding on ice. I don’t want to be the one that calmly gives directions on how to stop it.

I want to be the one that does something SO IRRESPONSIBLE that people think I am the stupidest person on earth. But instead I am the one helping that person get back on solid ground.

Sometimes life is just too much for one person.

I wish I could be strong enough to be the person that needs someone to lean on.

Monday, July 26, 2010

an adventure i dont want to have again.

I got a haircut today.
It was horrible (not the haircut.. well to be honest I haven’t looked at that yet, but the experience was horrible).

I walked in to the salon and there was a lady waiting I went up to the counter and she goes ‘haircut?’ and I said yes. She said she could take me right away, and pointed to the chair I should sit in.

And then I told her what I wanted. She fought me on it.
‘are you sure you want to go that short?’
‘yea, I am sure.’
‘sure you don’t want it right here? With your hair being wavy, it will get shorter when it dries’
(WAVY HAIR?!? HELLOOO its super curly!)
I said I was sure I wanted it that short.

Then I said maybe some side bangs.. and that was another argument.

And then she starts cutting. No small talk. She looks angry. The only thing I really have to look at is the mirror. And I TRY not to catch her eyes.. but I am super bad at that.

So we kept making awkward eye contact. With her angry face, and scissors in her hand.

It took her about 15 minutes and she was done. she asked if I wanted bangs and I said ‘yea I think side bands would finish the look’

She then told me side bangs were a bit more to take care of and take more time, and asked if I was sure I wanted to deal with that.

‘no lady, I don’t want to deal with my hair at all to be honest. But since my boyfriend is against me shaving my head, I don’t really have a choice. So yes. Side bangs please’

(ok ok that’s just what I said in my head)

So I got side bangs. And I don’t know if I like them. because I am a wee scared to look in the mirror.

I don’t think I want this woman to cut my hair again.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

parkshore pavilion

In late March I wanted to go on an adventure; and it seemed an adventure was in my horizon. I went downstairs and on the kitchen table there was a map, of trails around this area. I was excited and got trail mix because serious hikers eat trail mix.

I ended up getting lost, I had to call someone for directions when it came time to go home. but for the few hours I was there? I really had an amazing time, here are some of the pictures I took when I got lost and had an adventure.






Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I am a terrorist.

I don’t think my mother loves me, I think she just wants me to leave. And to not return.

I have a theory: my mother sees me as a terrorist

Terrorists: bring new ideas
I: bring new ideas

Terrorists: have different hobbies than those around them (unless they are surrounded by other terrorists)
I: enjoy things that neither my parents nor my siblings enjoy

Terrorists: people find them unpleasant to be around
I: am found by my mother, to be unpleasant to be around

Terrorists: are never invited to anything
I: am also excluded from things my sister and mother go to

Terrorists: are not talked to. We simply tell them how much we dislike them, and see them as wrong
I: am also not conversed with, but my mother makes sure to tell me that I cannot do anything right, and that she does not like anything I do

Terrorists: practice and practice to try and do everything perfectly, so that nothing can go wrong, but something always seems to go wrong
I: no matter how hard I try to be perfect for my mother, I seem to always get something wrong

Terrorists: we talk about their failures, we make sure to tell everyone that will listen how they screwed up
I: am talked about when I do something wrong. My mother makes her rounds on the phone to inform everyone about what I have done.

Terrorists: we find fault in everything they say
I: always say something wrong according to my mother

Terrorists: have extreme views, that are much different from our own
I: have very strong views that are much different than my mothers

Terrorists: we want them far away from us
I: am not wanted around my mother

I think the proof speaks for itself. I am a terrorist in my mothers’ life. Too bad I am not willing to go and hijack a plane just yet.

Friday, July 9, 2010

comments on comments

Max said...
Write about some thing funny, or exciting!
July 8, 2010 7:23 PM



Dear Max,
Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog. I am sorry I have not written to meet your standard of ‘funny or exciting’. If you look on the right side of the screen you can see all of my past blog posts, maybe some of those will be what you are looking for.

As it happens, right now it is summer. I am busy. And I know that is not an excuse, but to be honest, nothing ‘funny or exciting’ is really happening that is blog worthy. Thank you for the advice, and if you come up with anything that is ‘funny or exciting’ that you think I should write about, please let me know.
Thank you.
Jessica




Prateek said...
Sounds a lot like me. You should go through my blog post:
http://prateek203.tumblr.com/post/657099950/tired

We've very same thoughts, specially about being good to others...
June 29, 2010 1:14 AM


Prateek-
I HAVE stopped by your blog! and I TOTALLY agree with you! some of the things you have said I am like ‘woah that sounds like what I think, but cannot find the words to say it’. I really do enjoy your blog, and thank you for reading.

Monday, July 5, 2010

days 4-9

(I should clear up that I am writing these to Gordon, he is doing them as well, but his are not mine to post)

Day 04 → something you have to forgive someone for. (Wednesday)

I have to forgive my brother for abandoning me. I don’t think I ever will.




Day 05 → something you hope to do in your life. (Thursday)

I want to be a mom. Either adopt or have them myself, doesn’t matter to me. I know that I will be a great mother.




Day 06 → something you hope you never have to do. (Friday)

I never want to let people down. It really upsets me when I let someone down, way more than it should. I want to please everyone, and it doesn’t matter what that means for me, as long as the other person is happy.





Day 07 → someone who has made your life worth living for. (Saturday)

You. Everything feels like it makes sense and connects with you. You teach me so much about myself, EVERY DAY. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to eat healthy that way when we have kids, I won’t complain about it, and they will be healthier because of it. You make sure I know its okay if I do things for myself, and its okay if those things interfere with the time you and I have together, because you won’t get upset and you won’t make me feel bad for them. You have taught me that there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect just the way I am. Every day with your kindness, and how much love you have for me, it makes me a more confident and better person.

Day 08 → someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (Sunday)

My father.





Day 09 → someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (Monday)

I think I am the drifter. I get bored with people, and unless they put in a really big effort and make me talk to them and make me hang out with them, I drift away. I have been friends with Stacy and Kristen for such a long time because they FORCE me to hang out with them, and that is a really good thing. I can’t think of anyone that has drifted away from me that I didn’t want to let go of. But I know there are people that I drifted away from that are not happy about that.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Day 2 and 3

Day 2
Something you love about yourself.

I love that I can overcome any challenge that gets handed to me. no matter how big it is, I won’t back down. I guess it can be considered ‘stubborn’ but really, I don’t think it is.


Day 3
What is something you have to forgive yourself for?

I have to forgive myself for making mistakes. When I do something, I put all of me into it. When I play travian, when I get REALLY involved in travian I put everything into it. I put my heart into it. I put my personality out there (that’s why I get so upset and you are all ‘love it’s just a game’ but I put a lot of ME into the game). I have to learn that it’s okay to put myself entirely out there, and if something goes wrong and I do something wrong, its okay. I am still me. Not being in school is a mistake, I KNOW that. But I know me, and I know if I go back right now I will just fuck up again. So I have to find focus and passion. And then I can go back. Because I will go back. When I am ready. I made a mistake with you, and I lied. And I know it’s something I did, and it changed us (I know we don’t talk about it, but I know we both know it). I just know it won’t happen again, and I do things to show you it won’t happen again. Because that is all I can do.

I make a lot of mistakes. I think it’s because I am so passionate, and I don’t think before I act. So something I have to forgive myself for putting myself out there, and making those mistakes. Because it’s okay. And I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

Monday, June 28, 2010

30 day challenge

Day One
Something you hate about yourself.



This is easy for me, there are so many things that I hate about myself. Tomorrow will be a lot harder.

I hate that I care so much about what other people think of me. It takes a lot of courage for me to be myself. I am really different and awkward. I am super quiet when I am not comfortable. I am always thinking about what other people think about me. wondering if they see me as normal. I hate that I have such a hard time being myself. Standing up for what I believe in, and doing things for me.

I hate that my past has such a big impact on my everyday life. I get scared sometimes, and I would never admit this to anyone, but I get scared that because of my past I will never be able to be a good person. and I know I am a great person, it just comes naturally to me. but I am always worried it is never enough, because I must have done something horrible to go through the things I went through.

I hate my body. I hate that I hate my body.

You told me once that you used to only go for girls that were perfect. And I hate that I will never be perfect, so I may not be enough for you.

I hate that I cannot express my hatred aloud because it is considered a sin in the bible. So I don’t talk about things if I dislike them. I keep everything inside of me, because I do not want to sin.

I hate how easy it is for me to come up with so many bad things about myself, but its hard to come up with things I view as good about myself.

Monday, June 14, 2010

my fault

I am sorry I haven’t been around very much recently, it is all my fault, I know that.

Lucas was here! We got to see him for a few hours. I got a kiss and a hug, I cannot believe he is almost three!

The gym and I are become great friends! I have a hard time though when there are a lot of other people around.. I am jealous and I like not having to share it.

I spent the night at Kristens house on Saturday, twas fun but not enough tequila.

I have become a lazy texter.

I went on some adventures earlier this summer and I have pictures and I am making it my goal this week to get those up here and show you! I think some of them are pretty good!

I will be house sitting in July, I am nervous about it because the lady doesn’t have internet OR cable OR air conditioning!

I am proud to say that I am doing well in the bookclub. I am enjoying meeting new people and going new places.

So far, my summer is really going well. I hope the rest of the year goes this well!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

sisters

My sister goes grocery shopping with my mom and picks out the cereal that she would like to have. Then she comes home and before anyone else (really only me) can see it, she hides that box.

I know she hides it because every couple of weeks I wake up and get really excited; I see a box of some REALLY AWESOME cereal on the counter and get a bowl out. I get all excited and plan on filling my bowl to the brim with this awesome cereal, only to pick up the box and find it empty.

So, I do what anyone in my situation would do. I get my favorite cereal knowing that my sister doesn’t like it, and put it in the cupboard. I eat it in the mornings and enjoy waking up to cereal.

Well, yesterday (Friday) I had cereal and knew there was only enough in the box for one more bowl. So I was going to wake up on Saturday morning and have it.

The plans got changed.

My dad came home, and as it turns out his favorite cereal is the same as my favorite cereal.

I had to have toast for breakfast this morning.

I think I am going to hide cereal as well.

Or look harder and find where my sister hides hers.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

one hurdle

I enjoy masturbating. I enjoy masturbating, a lot. About 3 times a day, more times on a good day. when I am stressed out, I masturbate. When I am sad I masturbate, when I have a headache or am sick, I think you can guess what I do.

There is nothing other than being too tired to do it that stops me. it is easy to put me in the mood, and unless I am super tired, I will be up for it. why not? Why not have an orgasm?

So, I am used to doing it whenever I want, as often as I want. But being in a relationship has changed that. I try to wait until he is home from work, and we can do it together. That means usually we can do it at night (after 9- have to wait for those free minutes to kick in). so about once a day. Monday thru Fridays, weekends are rather easy as we have all day.

I can do it whenever I want, I know that. but I always feel a wee bit selfish when I do it without him. because his sex drive is just as high as mine (maybe even higher…) and I know how hard he works and how much he enjoys doing it together as well. So, I try to wait. But once a day, five days a week is NOT enough for me. I need more.

And we can do it twice at night, but then after the second time he gets exhausted and falls asleep within 15 minutes, and I sort of like to talk a little more than that. so, we can play my favorite game ‘Jessica gets to orgasm and you get to listen’, but then I feel like a tease (and hey, lets face it, I am a tease).

This is just one of the hurdles we face in a long distance relationship.

At least I get to think about him whenever I masturbate.

Friday, May 7, 2010

productivity

Things I did today (because I know you all care)
• At work today I totally put together a sailboat (twas fake), I think I am ready to take on the real thing now.
• I made an egg today for lunch and followed my instincts, when I smelled something burning I flipped the egg (my cooking skills are improving!)
• I realized today when mothers day is this year.
• I laughed really hard at ‘sneaky gays’ via Sue Sylvester’s (sp) news broadcast
• When I was running my errands I wore my winter jacket.
• After being cold in my bedroom for about a week now, I finally got the courage to shut my bedroom window
• I shed a tear or two when thinking about how often Gord works, and how little I get him
• Smiled when I saw gas prices are starting to go down again
• Laughed at my dog when she had to go outside in the rain
• Decided I love mini peanut butter cups (yum)

Wewh, what a productive day. now I am starving and have to go to the grocery store and decide what to have for dinner..

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

list of 10

It is time again for a positive/happy/ in love with list. Because I am having a rather downer of a day, and need something to cheer me up.

1. The trees are green! Yay!!
2. I love being in a book club! I love getting together with them and meeting new friends and having a grand ‘ol time.
3. I am really in love with Disney’s ‘I just can’t wait to be king’ song from the lion king. I must say, I do a phenomenal job of acting out that song. Eye rolls and ROARS and everything.
4. I am really lucky that Heracio is such a cuddly bunny. I love wrapping him in my arms and giving him a kiss or two or ten.
5. Naps with Maggie (or dog)!!!! I love how she cuddles up to me.
6. My plans for hiking!!! I found a trail about an hour from my house. And the next day I have off and Gord has to work.. I am totally going out there for an adventure.
7. Hot showers! Even if it is 80 degrees outside, I still love hot showers
8. Have you tried my spaghetti? It is amazing!
9. I am up to 18 followers! That is amazing to me!
10. Listening to Gord breathe makes me happy. I have no idea why. But just listening to him has a calming effect on me. Sometimes during the day I wish I could just hear him breathe.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

road rage

I think I may have developed road rage today. And sort of ruined a few people’s days because of it, normally I am a very calm driver, but here is what happened.

I was driving along on the highway and I saw the car behind me was catching up; I couldn’t get over because there was a car in my way. So I was passing that car first. I looked behind me and the car behind me was RIGHT ON MY ASS. So I was finishing passing this car, and looked behind me again, and the woman in the car was making gestures at me… so… I decided not to get over for the women. And to slow down a wee bit. I am by no means a slow driver. I was going 70 in a 55 zone. When I saw how rude the lady was, I slowed down to 65. So really, not too slow. And if she would have waited for me to pass the car, I would have gotten over so I wasn’t in her way.

She was behind me when my exit came up, still on my bum. So I decided to go on an adventure and stay in front of her… we went about 5 more minutes and she passed me and totally tailgated a freaking SEMI truck. I watched her cut off another car to pass the semi truck, and then was on the ass of the next car that was in front of her…

To be honest, I think she totally deserved to have her day ruined by me. she needs to learn how to allow cars time to get over because she gets pissy.

I turned around and was stuck in rush hour traffic (I LOVE getting stuck in traffic.. gives me time to listen to more music). I got off the highway and was going through a stoplight by my house, a car was turning right. My light was green so I was going… they were going as well. They weren’t stopping.. I was stepping on my breaks and honked my horn (first time I got to honk at someone!!! yay!!! Go me!!!!) they stopped and I went. When I turned around I saw there was a state trooper behind them that turned on its lights and had now stopped the car that almost ran into me.

I don’t think those people had a very good day today either.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

the post about the boyfriend

Gordon lives in Vancouver; he does construction work and is 35.

He is amazing at loving me.

Him and I met online.. in a game..

It happened really fast. Him and I were just talking, I simply enjoyed talking to him. And we would spend hours chatting and laughing with each other. And then one night he told me ‘yea I got asked out today and I told the girl I was taken’.

And my red flags came up.

And I freaked.

I knew that was his way of telling me he was interested in me.

I was over Adam, and really was enjoying being single and not trying to replace Adam at all. I was happy just being by myself and flirting up a storm.

I don’t remember what I told him. I knew I liked that he said that about me, he planted the seed for me to think about being with him or not.

We chatted as much as possible. I think he lost a lot of sleep because of it.

A few days later I was in a skype chat full of people him and I both knew. Sex came up. And me, being single, didn’t feel the need to hold back. I really do enjoy talking about sex, so I did. He came on, and got upset. He would never ever try to control me in any way, but he asked me ‘if I were in a chat with all women and said the things you said, would you like it?’ and of course I would not.

But I told him I was not his girlfriend. And he can get upset all he would like and I understood, but him and I were friends. So, he asked me to be more.

And that is how we became official.

About 3 days later we exchanged I love you’s.

Everything with him happened really fast. And I am willing to go to Vancouver for him, I am willing to move out there. But I would like to take my time. I do not want to rush into anything. I am 21 years old. And Gord and I talk about marriage and things we are going to do with our kids and how we are going to raise them all the time. And I LOVE talking about that stuff, but I sort of want to really take my time in making it happen.

I have found my fairytale, and I am in no hurry to find out how it ends.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Tomorrow

I feel as if I am not understood today. I feel that my thoughts and my feelings are getting tangled and I try to express them but people look at me all funny.

Today is a hard day. And I think I am going to now accept that. And I am just going to allow myself to cry if it comes out. And I am going to allow myself to be sad.

Because tomorrow is a different day, and tomorrow I will be happy. Because there is nothing to be sad about.

Crazy Feelings

I am finding men do not listen. They think they do, but really, they don’t. You tell them you are not going to start an argument you simply want them to understand how you feel. And so you say how you feel.

And they get all defensive and it is like you are poking them with a stick.

You try and explain yourself again, explain that you do not want to fight, that you just want them to understand. And you word it differently and you try to have patience, but they simply do not understand it.

No matter how many different ways I word it, he still does not understand. All he does is get all defensive as if I am attacking him because I feel a certain way.

The only reason why I brought up how I feel is because I know how I feel IS crazy and it DOESN’T make sense; and I honestly know that how I feel is wrong and stupid, and I want him and I to both be aware of that. That way when the issue comes up again, we can address it and not fight. We can address the underlining issue that is really bothering me (because let’s face it, we mostly argue because of how I feel) and we will move on much faster.

So my word of advice.

If a women tells you ‘dear, I don’t want to fight. But I feel it is important that I tell you how I feel, that way you understand’ DO NOT get aggressive and feel the need to defend yourself.

More than likely, she knows how freaking crazy she is. Just accept what she has told you and move on.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Dreams

Gord and I sometimes talk about our childhoods. And he had an amazing childhood; as normal as it gets.

My childhood was a little less than normal. I went through a lot that most people wouldn’t have survived. But I stayed strong. I made sure to be very selective about who I hung out with so that I did not get into drugs or alcohol.

I made sure I stayed pure so that I would not be able to have children at a young age. I knew that if I had a child when I was young, it would have a lot of struggles that were not necessary.

I was VERY selective about boys, to the point that I did not find any that were worthy of my attention.

I got made fun of a lot, and got called stuck up. I had very good morals at a young age, and really did not care what anyone had to say about me.

I look at my relatives and see what I do not want to become. I see how their everyday life is; and as horrible as this may sound, I know that I am better than them. I know that I am capable of much greater things then they are capable of. I know that so far, I have lived my life with more dignity and respect than most people will ever be able to muster up.

Tonight I realized that I did all of this so that my children could have a much better childhood then me. When I have kids I can be the great example that they can look up to.

I think unconsciously my maternal instinct has been there all along. Making sure the kids that I didn’t even think about would have an incredible mom.

And I want those kids, which I actually have started to think about, to have the childhood that they deserve. I want them to have everything that they could ever dream about.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Boring

I promise I have not forgotten about all of you, but the fact is that I have become boring.

I wake up in the morning and go to work. I come home from work and do some cleaning, maybe read a little. Go for a walk and then relax in the evening and go to bed.

Honestly, nothing to blog about.

I am turning into an adult and I am fighting it full force.

I am a wee bit sick right now, so I have been sleeping all day. and let me tell you, I do enjoy sleeping.

On my 21st birthday I got drunk, and had a blast. I learned I am a very very happy and social and touchy drunk.

Easter was exciting, I got an easter basket.

Gord and I are doing wonderfully.

My life is honestly really boring right now.

And I absolutely love it.

Friday, April 2, 2010

positive and happy

I Sort of got sucked into a negative spell these past weeks, so I am doing a positive happy list.

10 positive things that make me happy.

1.Going to the lake and walking around, enjoying the fresh air and being by the lake
2. going on picnics
3. Gord lets me be bossy
4. my stationary collection is expanding weekly (now I just need more addresses!)
5. Lucas MAY be visiting us in May
6. Heracio and his girlfriend are getting along well
7. I cleaned out my closet so now I have room for new clothes
8. I think I found my favorite ice cream
9. I have an amazing boyfriend
10. I am completely and madly in love

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Boy and Girl

I don’t want this blog to turn into another blog about love, while I love reading them; I just expect this blog to be about more. I want to talk about everything here, and I know I have a lot to say about love, so I made a different blog.

I started it out because I knew I had a lot to say, I selected a different type of format for it because I love reading blogs that are like that.

And then after a while I showed Gordon. And he loved it. And we decided we should do it together. So some days he posts, and some days I post. I really love going there and reading what he wrote, and I know he loves reading what I wrote as well.

We decided not to say who did what post, that way people will never know.

I really love going there on a bad day and rereading what has been posted and knowing how much he loves me, it always helps. We try our hardest to update it every day, but sometimes life gets in the way.

So, if you haven’t checked it out already, go do so now!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

trust

Confession?

I don’t trust anyone. You may think I trust you but really, I don’t. The people that I am supposed to trust showed me that if I trust someone, they will abuse me. I learned at a young age to just keep everything to myself, because if I don’t tell anyone what is really going on with me, than no one will know. And then I can’t get hurt by someone that has betrayed my trust.

There are things I do, that make it so people believe I trust them. I tell people small details about my life. I learned that if I tell my mom small things, she thinks I am telling her things, and that I trust her. So, instead of telling her about getting harassed by some boy in school, I would just tell her that I dropped my pencil in math class and had to pick it up. If I tell her a mundane story, she also believes that nothing really exciting happened. I learned that works for all people.

I let people believe I trust them, because people need that. People need to feel needed.

I am really good at psychology. I am really talented at getting inside someones heads. Figuring out what they need to be happy. And 90% of the time, I can either point them in that direction or give them what will make them happy.

When you let someone in, and decide that you want them to be in your life in a major way, I am learning these tricks don’t work. I am learning that they can see right through the not trusting. They can see right through the giving small details thing. And what would really make them happy is me actually trusting them. Not trying to trick them into believing I trust them.

It’s hard. There is so much that comes along with trusting someone. You give up control; you give yourself to that person.

And right now, I am terrified that I will never be able to trust someone that much. And I am trying so hard right now to do that, but, there is like, a wall that is holding me back. I want to be able to trust him, and I know I can. But when I go to do it, I see a wall with everything that has happened to me in the past.

I need to find a way to stop bringing up the past, to stop thinking about it and hiding behind it. Because I know, I can trust him.

I just have to trust myself enough to give him that trust.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Yuck

If you have a penis, I would suggest not reading this post.

When I was entering womanhood, and got my period for the first time, it was no big deal. Yes, it was annoying and I hated it and was paranoid about other people noticing. But I went and ran around with my friends until dinner time, and after did homework and everything was normal.

Then as I grew older, the stomach pains began to get worse. So sometimes I would have to stay home, because there was no way I was gallivanting around the neighborhood when I cant move.

And then I got my drivers license and found ice cream fixes everything, especially when my insides are yelling at me to come out.

And then the next year or so I started getting headaches, and getting tired more often and needing AT LEAST 100 hours of sleep a night.

And now, I am finding when it is time for my body to hate me, my nipples are sensitive, and my body aches ALL OVER. What the hell is with this? I have to force myself to move and to get up and go for a walk and leave the house.

This is horrible. I am worried about what it will be like when I am in my 30’s.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I want my brother back.

The only thing I remember about my first day of high school is my brother. I remember him walking me to my locker, telling me everything I need to know, and telling me not to be nervous or scared. He made sure I had everything I needed, and that I could get the locker open. I remember him walking me to my first hour class to make sure I didn’t get lost. Him and I went through all of my classes again, and he told me to find him if anyone messes with me. At the end of the day, I found him waiting by my locker for me. He wanted to make sure I found the bus and that I didn’t miss it.
A couple weeks into the school year, I decided I didn’t like my locker, and so he shared his locker with me. he didn’t mind that I cleaned it for him, and was always organizing everything. He wanted to make sure that I was taken care of.

I remember my brother always instilling in my sister and I that we must respect everyone. No matter how someone treats you, or talks to you, you must respect them. He taught me to stand up for myself and my sister. He showed me that if anyone does something to my sister that I don’t like, I can tell them to stop.

My brother always made sure I could go to him. If someone at school was being mean to me, or a guy was harassing me, I would go to him. I wouldn’t worry about anything; I knew my brother would make the situation better.

When I was a junior, my brother a senior, he found how amazing alcohol is.

And he is no longer my brother.

I hate the monster that has taken over.
The way he treats his family. The way he threatens my sister, mom, and I. I know that is not my brother.

My brother would never come home high when he knows my grandma is visiting.

My brother would never steal money from my parents in order to get drunk.

I hate when he tells us that he needs beer, more than anything. And he doesn’t care what happens to us, as long as he can drink.

I hate that he will admit he is an alcoholic and that he needs help, but refuse to get any.

I hate how much it hurts the family.

I hate looking at my mom and seeing how sad and how much pain she is in.

I hate that my sister never got to know the brother that I got to know.

I want my brother to see what he is doing, and to care enough to change it.

I want my brother back.