needing

I told you I didn’t like needing people. I didn’t mind when people needed me, but I work really hard at not needing anyone.

But you wanted me to need you. and I wanted so desperately to need someone and to be needed. I wanted to be normal and not in charge of fixing everyone and everything.

And now you are thinking about leaving. And we don’t know what that will mean for us. It will be more challenging than what we are doing now, we know that. you won’t be around to tell me I am pretty and to tell me you love me. you won’t be able to comfort me when I cant stop crying. will you be able to tuck me in at the end of each night?

You came here and I fell so deeply in love with you. and for once I felt normal. I felt so loved and so needed. I need your love so damn much. If you aren’t around my little world will be shattered.

And I am so scared right now. What if you decide you don’t need me and you go away?

This may just have to do with money to you; but it changes everything for us. If you decide to go away does that mean I am second in your life? Does it mean you don’t want to be with me anymore? what does it mean for our future?

I told you I didn’t like needing people, but you made me feel safe and you made it OK to need you. so why are you even thinking about leaving our comfort zone?

restless

I feel restless a lot of the time; I think everyone feels like this. I just wonder if I am doing the right thing. Because there are so many things I could change right now. So many things that I could decide aren’t right for me, I could change my mind about one thing and everything could change. And then I could maybe be happier or I could be more miserable. Its enough to make a person go crazy!

I am not allowed to talk about Stacy anymore. because whenever I talk about her it just makes me sad. How can someone you never saw yourself without pick a guy over you? even if she doesn’t realize that’s what she was doing, that’s what she was doing. And I cant talk about it or think about it without crying and getting upset.

and the fact that Gord doesn’t see him and I having a future together. And he makes it so clear that him looking at condos has nothing to do with me. and I KNOW that, and he makes sure to always point it out. Does he know that this hurts me? I know it doesn’t have to do with me, him and I are nowhere near getting a place together. But why does he always have to point it out? Is he really happy with me? does he really want to be with me?

and I am really happy with myself right now. I am exercising and eating super healthy. And I may not be happy with my weight, but I love how I look and have so much confidence and faith in myself. And I LOVE running.

The high from running. Hating it and not being able to breathe and pushing yourself so hard you feel like you are going to throw up. but you don’t care and you keep pushing yourself and pushing yourself. because you can do it. and you WILL do it. and you don’t care what your body is telling you. you don’t care that you cant feel your legs. And you are going to throw up. and then you finish. And you run to the bathroom and sit on the edge of the tub in case you throw up. and you don’t. and you catch your breath. And then you realize that you just pushed yourself so freaking hard. and if you can push yourself that hard in running, you can do anything.

But then you feel restless again. which brings to the beginning of this post again.

23 days left

So. as of today, I will be giving my two weeks notice in 23 days. I am deliriously happy about this. That means no more putting up with a crappy boss who has to be the center of attention.

This week she has decided I am not allowed to talk -_-
Really?
So I am super happy about this. AND they have me working overtime like crazy so that is extra money to spend..erm I mean save.

I really have to clean my bedroom, but I am having a hard time finding the time to do it.

My granny is going to be here tomorrow, too bad I have to work all day. but we will be going out for dinner on Sunday to celebrate birthdays (mine being one of them) .

Running sucks. But I am still doing it every day. I am trying to get my mile under 18 minutes (hey! I have never ran before in my life, so it’s a big deal!) and having trouble. I got advice from an experienced worker outer, so I hope to have that by next week.

I am thinking about starting a tumblr, and posting my outfit every day on there. because I send a picture to Gord everyday with my outfit already, so why not post it online for everyone to see how cute I am?