Push up Bras

I went shopping today. I decided I wanted a couple fancier shirts, since I like dressing up.

So we got to the store and the shirts would fit, but my boobs would look small.

So my mom and sister decided I needed a push up bra, I was not against it.

So off to find push up bras we went.

And we found some.

And so I put on the push up bra. And started giggling.

I had a boob crack.

Without having to squish my boobs together.

I went out of the dressing room, and was giggling and my mom and sister rolled their eyes at me ‘yea that is what happens’ they checked it out, saw the bra fit well. And they ushered me back into the dressing room so I could put on my nonboob crack making bra.

And I giggled some more.

When we got home, I took a shower and got dressed again, and you best believe my boob crack is showing.

True story

I have a true story to tell you.

I was saving it, for just about now.

Last year I didn’t get anything from Santa, according to my parents, I am too old for him. Well, you guys know me; I tend to not always believe what my parents say.

So anyway...

I was at work, about a month ago, and there was this lady, very friendly, she is checking out and I am helping her, and I go to give her the change. And guess who is with her; SANTA!!!!

So, me being me can’t stop looking at him. And she is smiling (kind of like a smile that this happens a lot). And I am all ‘have a nice day’ and I turn around so I am not staring at them. And I whisper to the coworker next to me ‘OMG. I think I just met Santa, look!’

And we turned around to look at them, and I am all smiling and gleeful, and I look and she whispered something to Santa, and turns around and she WINKS at me.

MRS. FREAKING CLAUSE WINKED AT ME!!!!!!!!!!

(Insert your jealous face pictures here)

So now, last week.

A friend of mine, Dago, told me ‘Jessica. I was talking to Santa..’

Yea, you can imagine my excitement at that, but there is more

‘Santa asks me about the kids he is not so sure about, and he brought you up....’

(Yea excitement growing)

‘And I said you were good, so he gave me something to give to you. So watch for it in the mail’


OMG!!!!! I get excited when I find Waldo, or squish bugs; can you IMAGINE my excitement because of this?!?

And to think, my parents said I was too old for Santa, please, no one is ever too old for Santa. All you have to do is believe.

pieces in a bucket

I hate when everything is going good, and then poof, something small happens and everything falls apart. And you are left standing there trying to hold the pieces together.

So you stand there, holding the pieces. Knowing you are what is keeping everything from getting lost; you know that if it is lost, everyone else will fall apart and you have to stop that. You cannot allow anyone else to fall apart.

So you are standing there, with your arms full of all these pieces, and some of them are sharp, and some are small. And a few are slipping and you do your best to hold on tighter but some fall through, and you can’t reach for them because then the others will fall. So you allow yourself to believe it’s okay, you can go without those pieces.

Because that will just add personality and flare to this once you get all of the pieces put back together again.

And as you stand there, your arms are getting heavier and you are looking around for help but no one else can really help, they are too self centered to really care that you need help. And a couple looks at you and wants to help, but they just don’t understand what they can do to help you. So you tell them it is okay, you are doing fine. And they watch you, and try to figure out a way to help.

And others are just looking and moving on.

And finally someone says ‘HEY! Why not put the pieces in a bucket! You can let them go, and they will be there and you can search for glue, and go about your day, and they will still be there when you have the time!’ and so you find a bucket, a pretty bucket with a bird on it. And you put all of the pieces in the bucket. And you stretch your arms, and are really glad they are in there. And you look down at them, and realize you can’t just leave them. You cannot go about your day with everything to pieces like that. And others do not understand, they think you should just let go and leave them. So you start carrying the bucket with you. And it starts getting scratched up and not so pretty, but you don’t care. That bucket is yours to carry around, and some day, you hope to be able to put the pieces back together and to be almost hole again.

short.

Text convo.

Stacy: I have something for you the next time I see you!
Me: oh?
Stacy: YEA! A big hug!
Me: I am so excited! Just what I needed!

There is a reason I have the friends I do.

My Day

I did something amazing today. I know a lot of people are going to be upset, even mad about what I did. But I honestly had to do it for myself. And for once I put myself first, and just took care of me.

It was hard to do, to turn off my phone and just let everything slide. To not talk to anyone, and to give myself peace.

A lot of my time is dedicated to being the glue that holds people together. It may be a certain person, or a certain thing about that person. it may be being the entertainment of the group. It is part of who I am, and what God wants of me. but sometimes everyone just needs to let go and allow others to hold themselves together and just rest.

Today was amazing. I did nothing. I watched TV, woke up late, cuddled with my bunny, ran to the bank. That made my entire day. I didn’t have to fix anyones problems or listen to anyone complain. I just took care of me.

I loved it.

It meant I ditched my friends. I didn’t let them know I wasn’t going. I just didn’t show. And I know that is terrible but i needed to do it.

I did something for me.

And I am very proud of that.

schedule

I do well with a pattern, with a schedule. I like knowing what I will be doing next week at this time. I like knowing when I will be free to sleep in, when I can take a nap, when I will have time to dance around my room. I like that.

I like knowing when others are going to be free so I can catch up with them. when they will be away so I shouldn’t text them. I like knowing when I will see them next.

I need everything set. I need that consistency.

When I do not get that, I feel lost.

Right now work keeps changing my schedule. Working days sometimes, nights other times. It is driving me crazy. it is messing with when I get to talk to people, when I can stay up late. It is messing with my showering schedule.

And then other peoples schedules are changing as well, and so I don’t know those either. I don’t know when I will get to talk to people next or when I should text them or not.

I just don’t know.

And I am really chill, and it just is what it is, but at the end of the day when I am trying to relax I cannot turn off my brain. Because I don’t have a schedule. Because I don’t know what I will be doing in 24 hours.

I love the holidays, but I am ready for my normal schedule to be back.

My Sisters Keeper

Last night I watched the movie ‘My Sisters Keeper’ and it really made me think (as I am sure is the case with most people that watch it). The plot is about a girl that has cancer, and her parents engineer a child that will meet her genes and therefore can give blood and kidneys and whatever the daughter with cancer needs; there is also an older brother mixed in.

There is a point in the movie where we get to hear what the child with cancer is thinking. She is telling her brother that she is sorry for needing so much attention. She is sorry that because her family is so concentrated on making sure she doesn’t die, they didn’t realize he was dyslexic; causing him to be sent away for a year so he could get help.

She tells the father that she is sorry for taking away the love of his life. That since his wife (her mom) is always concerned about making sure she lives. She gave up her job; she gave up her life to make sure this child did not die.

She tells the engineered child sorry as well. And thanks her for everything she has given up. She tells her she is sorry for needing so much.

She tells the mother how thankful she is and how it is time to let go. Because the disease will not only kill her, but it will kill the family.

It made me so sad, I sat there in my friends living room and tried my hardest not to cry (a few tears fell though). I felt so sorry for all of these kids. For the mother and father.

The mother was trying her hardest to save this child, but lost sight of her other children. They all know their mother loves them, but it was just so sad. The dad sat back and watched, because he loves the mother so much, he is willing to do anything to make her happy. But she was so focused on this child; she lost sight of everything else.

I understand where the mother was coming from, and why she was acting this way. I would probably act the same way. But at the same time, I hope watching this movie taught me that if I have children, and one of them gets sick, I must not forget about my other children. All of them need attention and must feel wanted.

The engineered child is a completely different story. The movie did not really dig into how she felt about being born simply to give to her sister. And how the giving started at birth. She had procedures when she was 5, hospitalized when she was six due to complications, more procedures when she was 11. I just, I don’t know how I would feel if I knew I was born simply to give everything to my sister. It is an honor to be able to save someone in such a big way, but it is also scary. I would always wonder to myself if my parents would still love me the same if I was not a match for my sister, if they would try again, and push me aside like they did the older brother.

There would be so much running through my mind. So many questions, so many what ifs. It would drive me crazy.

And this movie makes me wonder if I would ever do the same thing. If a child is sick, would I engineer another kid to make sure she matched her sister? I don’t know. I suppose no one really knows until they are put in that position.