A story you say..

Would you all like a story? Okay, since I am not in the mood to argue, I will share one with you.

Of course it is about when Gord was here, what else would I have a story about that I feel like sharing?

Gord was here. And I was all nervous, but I wanted everything to be amazing (which it ended up being). So. I brought a gift for him to open to break the ice. so he opened his package, which of course was his smitten mitten (a mitten with two arm holes, so you can hold hands while outside walking without freezing your hand off!).

He opened it, and I explained what it was, and then he smiled and put his hand inside it… and asked for my hand.. so I hid it.

No. I am not kidding.

I told you! I was nervous!

And it just dawned on me like two nights ago.. that I rejected him. but I think is okay, because now whenever I think about it, I smile and laugh at the fact that I rejected him and he is still around.

Oh how I love that man.

lemons

I do not like lemons. I love cooking with lemons, and I love squeezing lemon into my water, but lemons, by themselves? Way too tart/sour for me.

So when life gives me lemons. I freak out. I want to run. I want to get away, there is crying and me trying to run as hard as I can. but I am not a runner (yet), so I get stuck with the lemons. And lately? Against all of my careful planning, life is full of lemons.

And I am going to be honest, I am having a hard time getting the taste out of my mouth, and my face? Oh yea, totally making the sour face pretty much constantly.

And things just seem to be getting worse. Much worse, not better. So I need to decide what I can do with all of these lemons, and here is what I have decided.

1. I am letting go. So, I have a lot of lemons that are not pleasant, and the more they stick around, the worse they are going to become. So I am going to get rid of them, I am going to detach myself from them as much as possible.

2. I am going to stay busy, because if I am busy and constantly moving, it will be harder for them to aim at me.

3. Since I cannot do anything about some of them right now, I am going to let them be. I wont touch them, or look at them, and hopefully they will leave me alone. And then later on, I will be able to just brush them off of me as well.

This will take time and to be honest I have no idea how long I will be able to keep it up. but this is my plan.

update

Hello my loves! You know? I thought I would update you with what is going on in my life!

So, here is a random post with what I am thinking and feeling and all of that gibberish.

I am working, but plan on quitting my job. I will be giving my 2 week notice on April 23^rd, making my last day the day before my grandma and I go to DC!!! Which I am super excited about. I also now have an elliptical in my bedroom! And I love it! and I can only last 10 minutes on it at a time (you shush), but I used it three times today, and it is getting easier. It makes me feel really good. Well, it makes me feel horrible at the time, but afterwards… I love it.

My best friend is with my exboyfriend. She told me about it abruptly, and hasn’t said anything since then. she has a lot of ‘splaining to do. too bad she refuses to talk to me, gosh darn her. but, I feel I have done what I can, and have made it clear I am willing to try to work things out with her. so the ball is and has been, in her court.

I am obsessed with dresses. And leggings. Yes. I love them.

Heracio is doing well, he is out of food right now. I would rather not talk about how his mother was too lazy to go to the pet store for him. he should learn how to do that stuff on his own! He is 3 now!

And so is LUCAS! It is crazy, it seems like I was visiting him yesterday in the ICU.

If I pause. Rest at all, throughout the day, I get terribly sad. I start thinking about how I have no intimate friends, because the one that I had is acting shaddy. And Kristen, I love her, but its just not the same (please don’t take that the wrong way). and so the only intimate relationship I have is Gord. And I sort of don’t like that. but I wont just post an ad on craigslist to look for a best friend. So I just do things like clean out the fridge, and organize cupboards, and run on the elliptical. And shop online.

I am also volunteering, and trying really hard to figure out what makes me happy, but ya know, I cant just come up with that over night.

So yes. There are some ups and downs going on right now, which is normal. I am simply living life the way it is meant to be lived.

stay positive

So. sometimes life is sort of rough, and I tend to tumble a lot, and its not always pretty. So here is my list of 15 positive things right now; because in all honestly it is not the positive things I am focusing on.

1. I have been introduced to the Evert brothers and mumford and sons.. and let me tell you they are better than most other music out there.
2. Once my background clears, I will be volunteering, because I have such a shady past ya know
3. Hello there, the new lovely elliptical that will be in my bedroom in less than 72 hours. It is nice to have a best friend again.
4. I cooked on Sunday and 1 of the 2 new recipes were good.
5. My passport will be here in 3-5 weeks, not like I am counting down or anything.
6. Heracio is hopefully going to be a therapy pet someday soon.
7. Only 50ish more days working at trugreen!
8. I have been waking up before 9am.. every day except today (hey no judging!)
9. Spring is here! Dresses are here! Yippie!
10. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast (no worries it was honey bunches of oats)
11. Maggie had surgery and is still alive
12. Whenever I look in the mirror I am surprised at how beautiful I am.
13. When things get hard, I surprise myself with how strong I am.
14. I am not on any medication
15. Gord is going to be tired tonight, so I am going to tuck us in; which means he is the little spoon.

In the blink of an eye

Somedays I feel that I am the most amazing person on the face of this planet, and Gordon is lucky that I allow him so much time with me. he is lucky someone as beautiful and charming and as caring as me, would allow him so much attention and affection.

And then there are days like today; well to be honest it’s been a rough couple of weeks. I look in the mirror and am all ‘meh this could change and omg what’s with my eyes why do I look 80?’ and the fact that the scale has decided to not only stay the same, but lie to me and say I have gained a pound since last week.

So I take a shower and cry. And sulk. And cry some more.

Because I just want to accept myself on the outside for how it looks. I love myself on the inside, and I think I am a much better person than 99% of the population, but on the outside I suck.

I could think of a million things I could change about myself on the outside. And I don’t know how to stop thinking like this. Even though I try, every single day, to accept myself for how I look, and now for how I want to look.

I stand up for every single women because, we are beautiful just the way we are, but days like today make it hard to believe that fact is the same for me.

I want to be healthy, and fit, and I want Gord to tell me ‘omg I cant stand to be without you for another minute. GET TO VANCOUVER NOW.’

But none of that is going to happen overnight. Life takes time; it’s the longest thing we ever go through. And I want to just get to my goal weight without my body protesting against me. And I want to go to sleep with Gord every single night.

I just want to accept myself for how I am, and not be so hard on myself.

I get told as long as I live a healthy lifestyle, which I am doing, everything else will fall into place. I just wish it would fall into place overnight.