in summary

I am overwhelmed right now with my family. My father will be staying home from now on (well he goes to work, but then comes here at night) and my brother is back staying with us.

And I have to endure living here until early spring. And I know I can do it, but it is not going to be easy.

I think I have grown up a lot on this blog. I used to come here and write everything that was happening here before I thought anything out, or had a chance to absorb the situation. Now I have learned to take everything in, and then if there is need to write about it, I can.

My father is back.
And it started off pretty decent. But now my mother has decided she is NOT being nice to him at all, so in return he takes that out on me. when no one else is home other than him and I, he simply pretends I am not here. He will not acknowledge my presence at all. And when people are around, he makes sure that if he speaks to me he says things that he knows will affect me. he says things that are not nice, things that bring me down.

My brother is also back.
He was supposed to only be here for a few nights… that was over two weeks ago. I do not talk to him. in return, whenever I pass him and no one is in earshot he says something really nice like ‘fucking bitch’ or ‘stuck up whore’ you know, really nice things to say to someone. and at first I didn’t take that personally, because he is an alcoholic and it is NOT my brother right now. But after a few weeks of this, it sort of gets to you.

With my father around, there is starting to be a rift between my sister and I. my sister and I are just like any other siblings we will yell at each other and have really bad attitudes with each other, and five minutes later we will be going out shopping together because we are bored.
With my father around, my sister treats me badly, so I treat her equally as bad back. and then my father yells at me and makes sure that I know it is not okay to treat my younger sister that way. and then you know, five minutes later when I ask my sister to go to target he makes this HUGE deal out of the fact that just a little while ago I was treating her like crap and that I shouldn’t treat people like that and then expect them to want to do anything with me. so my sister of course, will not go with me.

My mother has changed as well.
When my mother and I are alone together, she is very sweet and very nice. She makes sure to ask about what I am doing and what I have going on. but as soon as my sister or father are around she makes sure to point out all of the things I am doing that she does not like. She will point out how I did not clean up my toast crumbs from the morning. Or how I was too loud when I came home the night before. She will often use the line ‘you need to help out around here more otherwise you can find someplace else to live’.


In the mist of all of this, stacy and I are not talking. And I love her and she is still my best friend, but I just feel like her and I need some space right now, because I keep hurting her feelings and she keeps hurting mine. And friends just need space sometimes. So I don’t have her house to escape to.

and I KNOW Gord will listen to me, but then I feel like I am complaining and being a debby downer, and I really do not want that to happen. I know he does not like hearing about the bad stuff, so I just don’t tell him.

so, my Dear Blog reads, I turn to you. to vent and to let it all out. I turn to you, because you are the best listeners for right now.

I thank you for reading, and sticking with me, even though sometimes I am rather boring and dramatic.

I love you all.

update

When first starting to talk to someone they hit on you, a lot. You say you are naked and they get all excited and are like ‘oohhh’ and their ermm interest is peaked. There is tons and tons of heavy flirting that goes on, making both people feel amazing.

But as time goes on, and the person that was hitting on you realizes he has you, its no longer important to flirt and be all interested in your nakedness. I think these signs mean the two people are now a couple that has settled into each other and are comfortable, and no longer feel the need to impress each other.
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I have found a full time job!!! I am now an auditor. It is exciting but also super boring. I do the same thing over and over and over again. but I am getting paid fairly well and HELLO that means in the spring everything will be set up and worked out so stacy and I can move out.

We have to wait until spring to do it because.. this job does a ‘seasonal lay-off’ because they do lawn care and well, in Minnesota no one needs their lawn mowed in the middle of winter. So after winter has passed we will move out. EEKKK!!

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Stacy and I are not talking right now. She was not being very nice, and it just sort of built up and built up and I sort of, very meanly, told her what I thought. She then sent me an email apologizing. A few days later we went out for ice cream, and she pretty much attacked me. she was not nice at all. I didn’t say much because I wasn’t in the best of moods, and I knew if I started talking I would say some mean things that I would later regret. So I was just quiet. And she ate SUPER slow so I couldn’t leave. and finally she said some things and I had had enough, and I told her I was leaving, she could stay there or leave with me. all I wanted to do was cry. She said some extremely mean things. Her and I have not talked since.

saving VS camera

I very rarely spend money on myself. I can go out and go shopping, and buy something for my mom because it reminded me of her and something for my sister because she wanted it. But if I buy something for myself I feel bad. I know there are other things I could use the money for. I could pay off student loans or save it, always something better than spending something on myself.

I feel that when I do decide I want a new outfit or a pair of shoes and to actually spend a wee bit of money on it, that I have to justify it.

A few weeks ago I bought the Nikon D3000 camera. It is a decent priced camera; it’s not expensive for a camera, but it’s also not cheap.

After I purchased it my father and mother both yelled and me and could not believe I would spend that much money on a camera. They told me how irresponsible it was for me to get it, when I have student loans, and when I could save it so I can move out faster.

And when Stacy found out, she also gave me slack for it. She let me know that I SHOULD NOT have purchased it because I need to save money so we can move out faster. She let me know there are things that are more important than the camera.

The camera is estimated to be here tomorrow, and I can’t help but feel bad about getting it. I feel as if I shouldn’t have purchased it, and I should have saved the money instead. I feel like buying something that is going to keep me so happy, and so excited about something, is not something that is a priority.

And then I think about how hard I try to stay happy. How back in 2009 I made it my goal to be more happy and more positive, and how happier I am because of it. And when I am happy, I feel I am healthier and extremely confident. Laughing and smiling and being FUN to be around, makes putting such a big effort into being happy worth it.

So I think about how excited I am for this camera, and how much I paid for it. I think about how happy it is going to make me, and how everyone else is much happier around me, when I am happy. I think about how proud of myself I am when someone compliments a picture that I have taken.

I still feel guilty about buying MY camera; but the guilt is worth my happiness.

Payback

-This post is in this format because this is the only way I could get the person to agree to me posting the story-

The other day my friend was making dinner, and like usual, as his water began to boil his girlfriend called with hints of being naked and exploring her body. so, he did the gentlemanly thing, that his girlfriend really appreciates and turned the burner off to get frisky with his girlfriend.

They are getting frisky, and the moaning begins.. and then it ends. And they are left panting and oh so happy.

He gets out of bed, and begins making dinner, with his girl still on the phone. He turns on the burner.. and notices heat on his member.

The heat is getting worse

He finally tells his girlfriend

‘ohhh I think I got hot sauce on me’

Being the smart ass that she is she asked him where he was talking about

‘oohh I think you know’ was his response

She laughed. And laughed and laughed.
As her boyfriends member burned.

I think the term ‘payback is a bitch’ fits nicely here.

for your pleasure...

I thought I would give you all more pictures to look at.
I am super excited to announce in 7-10 business days, the Nikon D3000 SLR camera, will be mine; and in my hands.