mirror

I just got done standing in front of the mirror. My body on display, for me, so I could inspect it, and take note of all of the things that I like and dislike.

And it makes me mad at myself. Because I am working so hard at changing my body, and you can see such a big difference, and you can see my hard work. but I am still not satisfied. And instead of thinking about how much I have accomplished, my mind went to how much I still have to do.

I am worried my body will never be what I want it to be, and I will never be happy with what I see in the mirror. And I hate that about myself. Because I know I am beautiful, and I know how talented and how amazing of a person I am. So why can I not just be happy with what I see in the mirror?

the little brat

May we talk about my sister for a minute or 10?

I love her so freaking much. I look at her and I see how different from me she is. She is much rougher around the edges, and refuses to correct her grammar, even though I politely point out what she does wrong. she hates reading, but sometimes buys books ‘just in case’ she will like it.

I had a great day at work the other day, and decided to take her out somewhere. It surprised me how happy I was to have her next to me. we share secrets, share plans we refuse to tell our mom about. We laughed, and danced. And we just got each other.

I think its just a sister thing, I don’t have to explain to her when I talk to myself, or why I am doing something strange; she just knows.

I love going out with her. I love our little ‘dates’ together. I love how well we take care of each other, and how amazing it is that we are always looking out for each other.

There are times that I really dislike some of her decisions she makes, and I don’t always like her. but I am glad she is my sister, and I would be extremely lonely without her.

Yippie! pictures!

Gord and I in Chicago, right next to the GIANT bean.

This is Gord and I, getting muddy on a walk in Des Moines
(I think I enjoyed that a bit more than him)

PIZZA!!!

Gordie with his coffee, of course.

Me! on our way to Chicago.

This is the first bed Gordie and I cuddled in.


Overall, I had an amazing time on this trip. I loved all of our little adventures, and holding Gords hand. Everything was perfect, and exceeded all of my expectations. I really love this man.

more time

The trip went very well. I honestly have never been happier. Being with him every day was amazing to me. I loved waking up with him, and going to sleep with him. I loved waking up in the middle of the night because he moved around and I need to reposition my cuddle position. I loved holding hands and touching him. I loved how he kissed me on my forehead every night before we went to sleep. Everything was perfect.

I don’t want to be without him. I want to be with him, I want him to come home from work to find me waiting for him. I want to try cooking so he will have one less thing to do when he gets home from work. I want to take care of him and make his life easier. I want to get a passport and have an adventure. I feel that I am young enough, I can quit my full time job and go and see him for an extensive period of time, so we can figure out if we are right for each other.

I brought this up with him last night, and his thoughts were much different from mine. He had a great time, but our age difference really bothered him; and he is not sure we can overcome it. He is not sure if he can see us in 20 years together. He asked for time, he is not ready for me to visit him yet (he just left here two days ago). He wants us to take our time, and to see how things go.

I did the ‘be strong and not let him know how horrible this sounds to you’ thing. I told him he has to be fair to me, and if he decides it’s not going to work out, he has to tell me right away.

But it made me incredibly sad. Sitting here going over this again, and with him not being on the phone, I can let out how I am feeling, and I can cry.

I want him to hold me, and tell me he is sorry for saying that, that he loves me and he doesn’t care about how young I am. But I know that isn’t realistic, and life does not work that way. So we are taking our time, and I am praying as hard as I can, that our age difference is not something that we cannot overcome.