Sunday, August 29, 2010

in summary

I am overwhelmed right now with my family. My father will be staying home from now on (well he goes to work, but then comes here at night) and my brother is back staying with us.

And I have to endure living here until early spring. And I know I can do it, but it is not going to be easy.

I think I have grown up a lot on this blog. I used to come here and write everything that was happening here before I thought anything out, or had a chance to absorb the situation. Now I have learned to take everything in, and then if there is need to write about it, I can.

My father is back.
And it started off pretty decent. But now my mother has decided she is NOT being nice to him at all, so in return he takes that out on me. when no one else is home other than him and I, he simply pretends I am not here. He will not acknowledge my presence at all. And when people are around, he makes sure that if he speaks to me he says things that he knows will affect me. he says things that are not nice, things that bring me down.

My brother is also back.
He was supposed to only be here for a few nights… that was over two weeks ago. I do not talk to him. in return, whenever I pass him and no one is in earshot he says something really nice like ‘fucking bitch’ or ‘stuck up whore’ you know, really nice things to say to someone. and at first I didn’t take that personally, because he is an alcoholic and it is NOT my brother right now. But after a few weeks of this, it sort of gets to you.

With my father around, there is starting to be a rift between my sister and I. my sister and I are just like any other siblings we will yell at each other and have really bad attitudes with each other, and five minutes later we will be going out shopping together because we are bored.
With my father around, my sister treats me badly, so I treat her equally as bad back. and then my father yells at me and makes sure that I know it is not okay to treat my younger sister that way. and then you know, five minutes later when I ask my sister to go to target he makes this HUGE deal out of the fact that just a little while ago I was treating her like crap and that I shouldn’t treat people like that and then expect them to want to do anything with me. so my sister of course, will not go with me.

My mother has changed as well.
When my mother and I are alone together, she is very sweet and very nice. She makes sure to ask about what I am doing and what I have going on. but as soon as my sister or father are around she makes sure to point out all of the things I am doing that she does not like. She will point out how I did not clean up my toast crumbs from the morning. Or how I was too loud when I came home the night before. She will often use the line ‘you need to help out around here more otherwise you can find someplace else to live’.

In the mist of all of this, stacy and I are not talking. And I love her and she is still my best friend, but I just feel like her and I need some space right now, because I keep hurting her feelings and she keeps hurting mine. And friends just need space sometimes. So I don’t have her house to escape to.

and I KNOW Gord will listen to me, but then I feel like I am complaining and being a debby downer, and I really do not want that to happen. I know he does not like hearing about the bad stuff, so I just don’t tell him.

so, my Dear Blog reads, I turn to you. to vent and to let it all out. I turn to you, because you are the best listeners for right now.

I thank you for reading, and sticking with me, even though sometimes I am rather boring and dramatic.

I love you all.

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