Saturday, December 26, 2009

Push up Bras

I went shopping today. I decided I wanted a couple fancier shirts, since I like dressing up.

So we got to the store and the shirts would fit, but my boobs would look small.

So my mom and sister decided I needed a push up bra, I was not against it.

So off to find push up bras we went.

And we found some.

And so I put on the push up bra. And started giggling.

I had a boob crack.

Without having to squish my boobs together.

I went out of the dressing room, and was giggling and my mom and sister rolled their eyes at me ‘yea that is what happens’ they checked it out, saw the bra fit well. And they ushered me back into the dressing room so I could put on my nonboob crack making bra.

And I giggled some more.

When we got home, I took a shower and got dressed again, and you best believe my boob crack is showing.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

True story

I have a true story to tell you.

I was saving it, for just about now.

Last year I didn’t get anything from Santa, according to my parents, I am too old for him. Well, you guys know me; I tend to not always believe what my parents say.

So anyway...

I was at work, about a month ago, and there was this lady, very friendly, she is checking out and I am helping her, and I go to give her the change. And guess who is with her; SANTA!!!!

So, me being me can’t stop looking at him. And she is smiling (kind of like a smile that this happens a lot). And I am all ‘have a nice day’ and I turn around so I am not staring at them. And I whisper to the coworker next to me ‘OMG. I think I just met Santa, look!’

And we turned around to look at them, and I am all smiling and gleeful, and I look and she whispered something to Santa, and turns around and she WINKS at me.


(Insert your jealous face pictures here)

So now, last week.

A friend of mine, Dago, told me ‘Jessica. I was talking to Santa..’

Yea, you can imagine my excitement at that, but there is more

‘Santa asks me about the kids he is not so sure about, and he brought you up....’

(Yea excitement growing)

‘And I said you were good, so he gave me something to give to you. So watch for it in the mail’

OMG!!!!! I get excited when I find Waldo, or squish bugs; can you IMAGINE my excitement because of this?!?

And to think, my parents said I was too old for Santa, please, no one is ever too old for Santa. All you have to do is believe.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

pieces in a bucket

I hate when everything is going good, and then poof, something small happens and everything falls apart. And you are left standing there trying to hold the pieces together.

So you stand there, holding the pieces. Knowing you are what is keeping everything from getting lost; you know that if it is lost, everyone else will fall apart and you have to stop that. You cannot allow anyone else to fall apart.

So you are standing there, with your arms full of all these pieces, and some of them are sharp, and some are small. And a few are slipping and you do your best to hold on tighter but some fall through, and you can’t reach for them because then the others will fall. So you allow yourself to believe it’s okay, you can go without those pieces.

Because that will just add personality and flare to this once you get all of the pieces put back together again.

And as you stand there, your arms are getting heavier and you are looking around for help but no one else can really help, they are too self centered to really care that you need help. And a couple looks at you and wants to help, but they just don’t understand what they can do to help you. So you tell them it is okay, you are doing fine. And they watch you, and try to figure out a way to help.

And others are just looking and moving on.

And finally someone says ‘HEY! Why not put the pieces in a bucket! You can let them go, and they will be there and you can search for glue, and go about your day, and they will still be there when you have the time!’ and so you find a bucket, a pretty bucket with a bird on it. And you put all of the pieces in the bucket. And you stretch your arms, and are really glad they are in there. And you look down at them, and realize you can’t just leave them. You cannot go about your day with everything to pieces like that. And others do not understand, they think you should just let go and leave them. So you start carrying the bucket with you. And it starts getting scratched up and not so pretty, but you don’t care. That bucket is yours to carry around, and some day, you hope to be able to put the pieces back together and to be almost hole again.

Saturday, December 19, 2009


Text convo.

Stacy: I have something for you the next time I see you!
Me: oh?
Stacy: YEA! A big hug!
Me: I am so excited! Just what I needed!

There is a reason I have the friends I do.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My Day

I did something amazing today. I know a lot of people are going to be upset, even mad about what I did. But I honestly had to do it for myself. And for once I put myself first, and just took care of me.

It was hard to do, to turn off my phone and just let everything slide. To not talk to anyone, and to give myself peace.

A lot of my time is dedicated to being the glue that holds people together. It may be a certain person, or a certain thing about that person. it may be being the entertainment of the group. It is part of who I am, and what God wants of me. but sometimes everyone just needs to let go and allow others to hold themselves together and just rest.

Today was amazing. I did nothing. I watched TV, woke up late, cuddled with my bunny, ran to the bank. That made my entire day. I didn’t have to fix anyones problems or listen to anyone complain. I just took care of me.

I loved it.

It meant I ditched my friends. I didn’t let them know I wasn’t going. I just didn’t show. And I know that is terrible but i needed to do it.

I did something for me.

And I am very proud of that.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I do well with a pattern, with a schedule. I like knowing what I will be doing next week at this time. I like knowing when I will be free to sleep in, when I can take a nap, when I will have time to dance around my room. I like that.

I like knowing when others are going to be free so I can catch up with them. when they will be away so I shouldn’t text them. I like knowing when I will see them next.

I need everything set. I need that consistency.

When I do not get that, I feel lost.

Right now work keeps changing my schedule. Working days sometimes, nights other times. It is driving me crazy. it is messing with when I get to talk to people, when I can stay up late. It is messing with my showering schedule.

And then other peoples schedules are changing as well, and so I don’t know those either. I don’t know when I will get to talk to people next or when I should text them or not.

I just don’t know.

And I am really chill, and it just is what it is, but at the end of the day when I am trying to relax I cannot turn off my brain. Because I don’t have a schedule. Because I don’t know what I will be doing in 24 hours.

I love the holidays, but I am ready for my normal schedule to be back.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

My Sisters Keeper

Last night I watched the movie ‘My Sisters Keeper’ and it really made me think (as I am sure is the case with most people that watch it). The plot is about a girl that has cancer, and her parents engineer a child that will meet her genes and therefore can give blood and kidneys and whatever the daughter with cancer needs; there is also an older brother mixed in.

There is a point in the movie where we get to hear what the child with cancer is thinking. She is telling her brother that she is sorry for needing so much attention. She is sorry that because her family is so concentrated on making sure she doesn’t die, they didn’t realize he was dyslexic; causing him to be sent away for a year so he could get help.

She tells the father that she is sorry for taking away the love of his life. That since his wife (her mom) is always concerned about making sure she lives. She gave up her job; she gave up her life to make sure this child did not die.

She tells the engineered child sorry as well. And thanks her for everything she has given up. She tells her she is sorry for needing so much.

She tells the mother how thankful she is and how it is time to let go. Because the disease will not only kill her, but it will kill the family.

It made me so sad, I sat there in my friends living room and tried my hardest not to cry (a few tears fell though). I felt so sorry for all of these kids. For the mother and father.

The mother was trying her hardest to save this child, but lost sight of her other children. They all know their mother loves them, but it was just so sad. The dad sat back and watched, because he loves the mother so much, he is willing to do anything to make her happy. But she was so focused on this child; she lost sight of everything else.

I understand where the mother was coming from, and why she was acting this way. I would probably act the same way. But at the same time, I hope watching this movie taught me that if I have children, and one of them gets sick, I must not forget about my other children. All of them need attention and must feel wanted.

The engineered child is a completely different story. The movie did not really dig into how she felt about being born simply to give to her sister. And how the giving started at birth. She had procedures when she was 5, hospitalized when she was six due to complications, more procedures when she was 11. I just, I don’t know how I would feel if I knew I was born simply to give everything to my sister. It is an honor to be able to save someone in such a big way, but it is also scary. I would always wonder to myself if my parents would still love me the same if I was not a match for my sister, if they would try again, and push me aside like they did the older brother.

There would be so much running through my mind. So many questions, so many what ifs. It would drive me crazy.

And this movie makes me wonder if I would ever do the same thing. If a child is sick, would I engineer another kid to make sure she matched her sister? I don’t know. I suppose no one really knows until they are put in that position.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Last night I was talking to a friend, and he was telling me how he is sick of girls wanting him for attention. That is all they do is fight for his attention, and he is getting sick of it. He is that guy, the guy that walks in a room and every girls head turns and they then think of a plan to get as close as possible and show these other girls they are boss, and are getting this incredible guy. They tease him, and do all the things a girl does and then they leave him. Because that is all they really wanted, was to show that they could get his attention.

And this made his very sad.

And this made me sad as well, because there was nothing I could do to help him. And I hate that feeling.

He is one of those guys that ‘needs space’ when they deal with stuff like this, and so I have to just leave him alone while he figures this out.

I like helping people. I like cheering people up, that is what I like to do. I like fixing people’s problems. The reason that I am so well liked and people go to me so much is because I am so good at making them feel better, it is sort of my thing. Those that are around me know I am going to brighten up their day. If I mean to or not.

And I couldn’t cheer him up. He was all broody and in a state of thoughtfulness and he wouldn’t really talk it out with me, because that is just the kind of guy he is.

I hope he figures it out. And decides not to let people use him. Because he is a great guy and I enjoy every time I get to talk to him, and I don’t like seeing him sad and broody.

I don’t understand women. I don’t understand getting a guy that you are not at all interested in, just so you can show him off for the night. I don’t understand the need to use men like that. If I am talking to someone, and giving them MY time and MY attention, it means I like them, that I find them interesting. it has nothing to do with beating the other girls in the room.

Women are just so shallow.

It makes me sad.

I wish I could teach them how to love themselves and that in order to be happy, they do not need to be on the arm of some guy.

Anyway… I digress

Thursday, November 12, 2009

well, here goes

When I was in 10th grade I was diagnosed with depression, meaning the chemicals in the brain are not balanced correctly and cause me to be sad, have no motivation, become socially withdrawn, get bad grades, and a bunch of other things.

When we went to the doctor he prescribed the lowest dose of antidepressants, and told me to take half a pill a day. These pills made it so I couldn’t feel anything. I hated it, so I stopped taking them. Somehow I got better, and went on my way.

When we went to the doctor, he informed me it will more than likely come and go throughout my life. Well, it is back.

I am trying my hardest to sort of ignore it and hope it goes away, but that is really not working. I have known for some time now, but it is now getting to the point that it is getting hard to go out at all and be social.

I am having a hard time finding the motivation to study for class, or work on my cupcake site (thus it is still not up and running).

I am trying my hardest to go out, and do something productive each day, it is just hard.

(Crap starting to cry)

Last time, back in 10th grade no one noticed the differences. But this time around, people already have. I know that I have a lot of support from many different people. And I know I will get through this, it will just take time.

Doing all the silly little things I do, is my way of making sure I am happy. So when I make dinosaur noises, or color in a coloring book, that is my way of being happy.

And I am trying really hard to be happy.

Blogging helps a lot, because it allows me to express how I am feeling. It also helps that I have such an amazing support system of friends.

So thank you to all that have noticed. There is no need to worry, but I do appreciate you noticing and making time for me. Even if I am sort of a burden right now.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen through my eyes.

Guys, I am going to tell you right here, right now why girls are in love with him.

Straight up, girls are selfish. We want to be the first thing you think about when you wake up, the only one you are thinking about while wanking off, the last thing you think about before you go to sleep; and if that is not enough we also want to be the center of your dreams.

We want attention; we want to be texted just because a song reminded you of us. We want to be on your mind all the time, and when you are buying shampoo we want to be called because you want to mix things up and try a new one, and you want our opinion.

We want to come first, before you. We want you to think about our well being, that is why we sometimes do stupid/crazy things. When we come up with the idea to make out in the rain, we want you to be willing to do it because it’s what we want, and after there will be much needed cuddling to warm up. We also do it to push you, to see how far you are willing to go for us.

We want to feel protected. If a guy looks at us the wrong way we may not say anything, but we want you to wrap your arm around us tighter. If a guy grabs our asses we want you to yell at him and tell him to back up. If we are scared, we want you to laugh at us and tell us how silly we are being. Even though we can tell in your voice you are thinking of the fastest way you can get to us.

We tell you what we are doing, and why we are doing it because we want you to care. We want you to know everything because in case of an emergency you can be there for us.

We are really simple (kinda, sorta, not really) we want you to be there for us at all times. We want to come first, and we want to be your number one priority.

To summarize: we like our boys whipped.

I just told you what Edward Cullen is to Bella Swan.

People refer to it as stalking, but it really is not. He CARES about Bella so much; he has to make sure she is safe at all times. He will do anything to protect her. He cannot see his life without her. Yes, he is obsessed with her, but that is why we love him so much. We want our guy to be like that.

So if you wish to hate on Edward Cullen, all of us ladies know it is simply because you are jealous of him.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

pass me the bottle

Sometimes I wish I was a drinker. That way when everything gets tough and hard to deal with, I can just drown my sorrows in a bottle of whatever I feel like having.

After this semester I don’t think I will be going back to school. I just do not feel like it is the right place for me at this moment. I will do the full time job thing, and then once I figure some stuff out I will go back. Because I want a degree and I want to better myself, but I just feel like right now is not the time for school. I have always been in school (sort of) and I just feel like I want to explore other things right now and go back to that.

I wish I could bottle my love and give it away like that, I have so much of it, I just don’t know what to do with it all. I feel like if I don’t do anything with it I will waste it. So, I just make sure to treat my friends well and give them as much as they will accept without it scaring them.

I have to update my blog roll thingy, a lot of those blogs don’t exist anymore, and one or two I don’t read. And there are tons I read that are not up there yet.

I think with my age and what I feel and how I am doing things, I am on track pretty well. Even if I get told I have an old soul.

It is okay that I don’t know what I want to do ahead of time for more than two hours, right?

Friday, October 30, 2009


Hi, how are you today?

I have no idea what I am going to write about, but I feel it is in my best interest to write something.

My father decided to start disconnecting the router for the internet before he went to bed, leaving me internetless for up to 12 hours (I know, I don’t know how I survived either). Well, this messed up the internet. And so it has not worked for 3 days now. Why? Because he messed something up with it so now a man has to come out and clean up the damage he has done. He is really upset that he doesn’t have internet. I find it humorous. Take that for trying to be mean.

A friend of mine got me the leaked copy of Midnight Sun, I feel like a total rebel when I read it; but let me tell you, the book is amazing. It is only the first ten chapters though, so I have to be careful not to read it too fast. That said, I am finishing it tonight.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I have no idea what I am doing. My Granny and I were supposed to go to a scary house, but she canceled last night. My mom still wants to go, but I don’t know if I can handle going with my mom. I love my mom and all, but she just… I can’t really describe it.

School, work and socializing. That is about all I am doing right now. I feel the need for an adventure. So I may have to come up with one soon.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

love is a choice

You do not get to decide of your heart breaks or not. You cannot control someone else. Once you are in love you do not get a choice, once you are in love you do not get to decide that you want out of it. You can’t wake up one day and be like ‘today I will not love him’. It just does not work that way. When someone decides they do not want to be with someone, or that it simply is not working out, they go through heartbreak. There are tears and lots and lots of words and the most horrible pain that someone can experience. It then takes time, of not talking to that person and getting over them to stop feeling that love for someone.

And even then you are still in love with them, but the time apart and the not talking about them or two them allows your heart to sort of go into hibernation and forget about what you felt for that person. If you love someone, if you truly love someone, I do not think you ever stop loving them. The love may change, but it is still love.

I believe you can decide who you want to love, and who you decide to fall for. You have to want it, you have to want the love, and you have to want that person. If you really do not want to fall for someone, you won’t. You never hear about people that are not attractive to each other starting out as friends and then becoming lovers, because they do not find each other interesting in a romantic way, therefore they will not fall for each other. If someone is your friend and you are interested in them romantically, and you allow yourself to fall, you will. It is as simple as that. So when people say ‘you can’t help who you fall for’ I believe they are wrong.

In order to fall in love with someone, you have to want to be in love with them, you have to want them as more than a friend. It is as simple as that.

But once you are in love, once you have allowed yourself to fall, you do not get to decide if you want to stay in love with them or not. Because you are in love, you are now stuck loving them, if you want to or not. When people break up with each other it is so hard because their heart is breaking, and it is hard, but they have decided they no longer want to be with that person. I do not think it has anything to do with not wanting to love that person. I believe that once you love someone you will always love them.

When you break up with someone there is the heartbreak and the pain and the tears and the sleepless nights because it hurts so much because you are trying not to love them. That is what you are doing, and that my friends, is impossible. Once you are in love you do not get a choice. You had a choice whether or not you wanted to get to that point, but once there, that is it.

And I believe once you are in that Love place, you will always be there, it may be a different kind of love, but it will still be there. It takes time to get over someone because it is not you really ‘getting over them’ but really, it is you trying to forget about your love for them. Over time, you forget about how you feel when talking to them, how amazing they make you feel. Your heart hibernates the love for them.

When you see that person again you will remember that love, it may have turned into a different love, but whenever a person runs into an ex it is hard because they still love them.

So in conclusion:
You can help who you fall for, but once you have fallen and are in love, you do not get the choice of falling out of love.

*note: upon reading this I see i repeated myself like crazy, and if I edit and take the time to not repeat myself, it would only be a couple sentences long. But, it is late, and I am tired. so instead of editing it, I am going to bed. Night.

Saturday, October 17, 2009



It seems I am not alone.

One of my top blogs (I do not do favorites) allows you to email the girl in charge, and she may or may not post what you email in. I wrote something and thought ‘meh why not just send it to her’ and so I did.

And apparently, according to the ladies over there, I am a good writer. Which makes me puff my chest up with pride and hold my chin just a little higher. Because, that means, this blog is helping (remember I started this to help me become a better writer).

So, without further ado, here is the link

Please keep in mind I mixed fiction with reality.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

done being lazy

I am where I am because of me. My choices, what I wanted to do at the time. What I felt was worth sacrificing to do what I did at the time. When I go out with my friends instead of studying, that is my choice. If I do poorly on a test it is because I may have studied, but I did not study enough. I want to be successful in my cupcake business so I have to work hard at it. I have to decide what is worth working hard for.

The same goes for relationships. They are work; I have to decide what ones are worth my time and what ones I want to develop. If I am going to work hard at a relationship the other person has to be as devoted as I am. I have been neglecting the Best Friend. Why? Because for some reason I have not been telling her a lot about what has been going on. That is going to end today.

I have to study A LOT more in order to do well in the class. And I can do well, I need to do well for me, I need to pass the class.

I have to get the website up and running for some reason I have been dragging my feet on that. Why? I have no idea!

I think I am used to failure, from myself and others that ends today. I can do this, and I will. I have to decide I want to be successful and I have done that.

Now I need to change my way of thinking, I need to stop being SO LAZY and actually work.

It is that simple.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

to have a relationship with me

We all know I am different, everyone is different. But I am quirky. I am myself no matter where I am, and a lot of times people do not like that.

But ladies and gents, this is for the boys that want me out there.

I do not want flowers. Please, no flowers when you pick me up. Instead, get me something fun that I can use time and time again. Flowers will die and fall apart in a week or so, you only want me to remember you for a week? Get me a coloring book and crayons. That way every time I color I will think of you. Get me those capsules that grow into dinosaurs, that way we can watch them grow together and then have dino wars. Be original. Save the flowers for your mom on mother’s day.

If you want to surprise me climb into bed while I am sleeping and wrap your arms around me so I wake up with you next to me. Make me French toast, often. Kiss me. Touch me. When the time comes, love me.

Be nice to me and treat me with respect after time, after we have gotten to know each other, that doesn’t mean you should stop respecting me as much. That doesn’t mean to get angry and blow up at me. That means to stay calm and talk things over with me, like you used to.

Take me on adventures. I know I will take you on many; I want to be the passenger sometimes as well.

Never let me win. I can win on my own, thank you.

Introduce me to your friends (when the time comes) and since I will be super nervous, let me hold your hand the entire time. Don’t be squeamish around them.

If I want chocolate I will tell you. So please no chocolate, I would much rather have dinosaur capsules.

Please don’t show up late or ditch me. I am not like other girls, I am on time. I hate waiting for people that are late, so please don’t do that.

When I get sad, stay by my side. I may not want to talk, but that is where you should be.

I need my freedom. Do not keep tabs on me. If you text me or call me asking me where I am in a demanding way, I will run and hide. I am independent. I am strong. Please remember I have you in my life because I want you there, not because I need a man to control me and watch me.

Get jealous over me. Show me you care. Show me you don’t want me flirting with other guys, because I will do it, just to watch your reaction (hey I am a girl).

When you want me to yourself pull me away from others and tell me.

Be sweet. Tell me how you are feeling, even if you don’t want to.

Be open with me, communication is everything.

Make sure you want me for me. Not so you can change a few things so I am who you want me to be.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


When all of that drama was going on with my family, I had to find ways to get out of the house. One of those ways I got out was to bug Stacy a lot. One day she was over at a bookstore, guess that showed me?

We were there for a long time, and I really could stay there for hours. At one point, I decided to find Waldo. He was well hidden and I had to ask someone that worked there for help in finding him, they eagerly gave me assistance. I then sat, in the children’s section, on a bench and looked for Waldo, for half an hour. He may have hid from me, but I get the last laugh.

A couple days ago, I was helping these women at work, and I looked up and there was Santa. Red shirt, wire glasses, full gray beard, jolly cheeks. I am not going to lie, I completely freaked out, and I think I must have turned 5. Once they started walking away I turned to my coworker and whispered “I think that man is Santa” she agreed that it looked like him but that was all. I looked back at Santa again to see that Mrs. Clause whisper in his ear and then he turned and winked at me.

I think that is a sign I will be getting where Waldo is like I am asking for.

Monday, October 5, 2009


I was in the back room at work. And there, not even half a foot in front of me stood a large monster on his eight legs. I could tell by the way he was moving he has been injured. I looked around, but no one was there to see what I was witnessing. I walked past it giving it ‘they eye’ and sizing it up to size. I knew I had to be sneaky if I wanted to survive this monster. I turned back, sharply, trying to surprise this creature. I stomped the ground, and I think I may have seen his eyes roll. He was not intimidated by me; even though he should me. I ROAREEDDD as loud as I could, making him fear me. He stood his ground. In shock, I didn’t know what else to do, besides take him head on. I looked around, once more for anyone to help me in the battle that is now unavoidable. I made my great dinosaur noises and stomped forward.

It was then that I stomped on the wounded cricket.

I had to make sure it was dead, didn’t want it suffering any longer (it was wounded).

I recommend pretending to be a dinosaur to anyone that has to kill bugs. Makes it much more enjoyable. Just please, don’t eat them.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I'm Still Alive!

HI!!!! I am still alive, just super busy.

I don’t even have time to read blogs!! Or simply read in general.

It is getting crazy, and I love it.

I am starting my own business… a cupcake selling business. I am starting with selling them to family and friends, and just getting word out about them, I am also working on a website and that way I can ship them around the States. The company name is Settas Famous Cupcakes. They are magical. I make everything from scratch, using recipes I have found and then changed.

My specialty (the reason you should order from me when I get the website up) is baking the cupcakes in an actual cup, that you can keep. That is right, a CUPcake. Tee hee.

I already have orders rolling in and I am working on shipping them to my grandma to make sure I can do is successfully. I have a plan, and I love it.

Once the website is up and running and making an income for myself I will work on opening up a cupcake shop. Because, if you remember correctly, Minnesota has NO cupcake shops. We are a deprived state I tell ya.

Please come and visit again, I have a plan worked out on how I can blog more regularly and keep you guys up to date.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

My family is CRAZY!

I think twelve days is long enough to make you wait for an update about what is going on.

My family is crazy and I need to get away. As soon as possible.

They are pretending my dad never said any of that stuff, acted in that way. My brother, mom and I were talking and my brother asked her if my father was serious about what he said. She said she doesn’t know, but she has to take care of herself and Jennifer. So, as of now, no one knows if my father is going to leave or not. All we know is that he is acting as if it never happened. He has also decided that after the winter (remember I live in Minnesota, they are pretty horrible here) he will go back to trucking. CRAZY. This drama and stress is not good for anyone. I have decided that I need to really look out for what is best for me (go me!) and move out as soon as possible to escape the drama and stress of this family. I know moving out will be stressful and VERY challenging, but it is what is best for me.

I think I will get another part time job. So that way I will be working about 45ish hours a week and I should be able to afford to move out. I have gone on an interview, and I really hope I got the job.That will give me enough flexibility to continue with school part time. It may take longer to finish school, but that is okay.

My mom and sister seem to be fine; they have also decided to pretend none of the D stuff happened.

Do you guys remember Adam? He and I talk every day. And it’s a complicated relationship dynamic, he wants me and I want him but he can’t be in a relationship. He thinks he can’t give me what I need or what I deserve. So he won’t allow us to be in a relationship together. If I had it my way I would be in Michigan with him right now. But that is okay. I think over time I will be able to convince him that I know what I want, and that is him.

I don’t really talk to any of the other guys. That phase of me going from guy to guy was horrible, and I believe that was me on the rebound and looking for someone to replace Adam ASAP. I know no one will ever be able to do that though.

Adam also understands me in a way that no one else ever has. Whenever something happens I know that he will make me feel better. I know he will lift my spirits and when him and I talk for those couple of hours at least, he will make me feel like the most amazing person in the world and I will forget everything that is going on.

I hope he hurries in trying to do what is best for me, and just allows me to get what I want.

If it were not for Adam, I don’t think I would be as strong as I am.

P.S thank you Sage for linking me, it really meant a lot. And for those that commented with advice and letting me know my family is in your thoughts and prays, that really means a lot. I love the blogger community and how we (well mostly you guys) are there for everyone, even strangers. It really means a lot. Thank you.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

More info

I cannot think about what is going on. I think about it enough to analyze the situation, figure out a plan. And that is all. If I allow myself to get emotional I know I will break down. My father is ruining everything. He ruined me a long time ago. I have already accepted that and at twenty am fixing myself.

Part of who I am, what I am about, and what God wants of me is to fix people; to heal their pain when I can. But I know I cannot help my mother in any way. I can’t get rid of that feeling that the man she has been with since she was 16, is leaving. He doesn’t care anymore, and is ruining his family. He is tearing them apart, and I hate that I have no control over what is happening.

My sister, his favorite, the one that loves him more than anything, told me that when he leaves, if he does it, she will have nothing to do with him. She hates what he is doing. The way he is abandoning our mother and making her feels so horrible. Her father is destroying everything that she knows.

I don’t know if it’s better being older or younger in the case of a divorce. Since we are older, we know what is going on and know how to handle it better. We are capable of grasping the situation and helping out in whatever little way we can. If we were younger we would just think my dad left, my mom cried for days and days and things got harder. We wouldn’t be able to grasp how hurtful his actions are, we wouldn’t be able to understand that my father is being completely selfish and not caring about his wife and children.

I have a theory; I think he is going through a midlife crisis. He is sick of supporting a family and sees freedom as leaving all of that. It makes sense; I just hope he knows when he decides he wants his family back, we won’t be there.

He doesn’t care the affect he will have on my sister. He is showing her how undependable men are. She will see him as her example and may have trust and/or commitment issues. She trusts him more than any other male, and he is destroying everything she knows. I think my sister in the long run will be affected the most out of everyone.

My mother is a strong woman. But her heart is broken. She feels as if her walls are crashing in. my father is destroying everything she has built. Everything she has worked for, he is taking a sledge hammer and destroying it.

My father also refuses to give my mom any money. He is still living with us, but he says he needs to save ‘his’ money so he can move out. He won’t give her money for bills, groceries, gas, my sister, etc. he doesn’t care what she has to do.
My mom is looking for an apartment, and I am looking for a full time job. I think it would be easier on my mom if she just had my sister and her to take care of. And Stacy and I will simply have to move u our schedule of when we move out, I hope it all works out.

I have no respect for my father. I can’t even look at him. He is acting as if nothing has happened. He is acting as if he is not destroying everything. If you make too much noise though, or do something he doesn’t like, he gets aggressive. He has set up a rule; the internet is only connected when he wants to use it (or is gone). And we no longer have cable.

I have been staying away from home, going to the library all day, going over to Stacy’s, simply not being home.

That means I can’t talk to me mom right now, but I think that is okay. I think she wants space anyway; I know if I were in her shoes I would want space.

My mom hasn’t told any of the relatives. My sister and I are giving her until this weekend to tell my grandma, after that we will tell her. We know it’s not our place to tell, but my mom needs her mom.

I know if I am in the same room as my father and he tells me something, I will go off on him, I won’t be able to just sit there and take it. I just don’t work that way. That is another reason why I have stayed away.

I am looking at it with the mentality that it WILL work itself out. I will find a full time job and still be able to find a way to go to school. Stacy and I will find an apartment, my mom will find an apartment and we will all be fine.

The part that hurts me the most is not being able to take away their hurt, but I know that it will be okay someday.

So there it is, that is what is going on, I am sure I will be posting a lot about it. And I think that is pretty understandable. As you can tell, I am holding up a guard as to my emotions about it. I think if I let that down I will break down.

Monday, August 31, 2009


Last night my father informed my mom he will be finding an apartment, moving out, and filing for divorce.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


I am teaching myself to be an optimist. I started it HERE and it seems that finally I am able to be happier by thinking positively. So, here is my list of the little things that make me happy.

1. Waking up to text messages.
2. French toast
3. The feeling of my bunny snuggling to my chest.
4. My chalk board
5. Visits at work
6. Catching fish
7. Knowing I am amazing
8. Snuggling with my sister
9. Introducing people to new music
10. Laughing at myself and others

I find that I am more and more in love with myself every day. I love where I am right now in my life. I love how happy I am. I love how I am doing what I want without thinking about others. I love how I have really changed my outlook on everything.

Monday, August 10, 2009

glimmer of hope

You know those impossible situations, the ones you think you will NEVER get out of, the ones that make you lift your head to the sky and whisper ‘please God, please just let me survive this moment’ and you pull yourself together, and you reach as far into what is going on, and you simply immerse yourself into the problem, into the event you do not think you will get out of.

Once you are in that moment fully surrounded by the situation at hand and after you have prayed there is always that glimmer of hope. That sliver of a chance that you WILL survive this and you will be stronger for it. You feel that even if everything goes wrong you will recover and be able to have a great story to tell and a great lesson learned.

That feeling that you have to try your hardest and you have to have something more than yourself helping you in order to pull through.

That feeling that gets you through the impossible and allows you to move on in your life, allowing you to overcome this battle that you have.

And when that moment is over, when that fight is over, and you are catching your breath and sitting still until your heart rate goes back to normal. You get a smile on your face, and you think to yourself ‘wow, I really just did that’.

I love that. I love knowing that I am stronger than I thought I was. I love knowing God is there helping me through everything.

And to take this one step further; I really enjoy looking back and smiling, remember how hard the situation seemed, and smiling because now, looking back, that mountain is no more than a hiccup in life.

Friday, August 7, 2009

things that make me happy.

alright, this is the bunny. He has taken to humping my arm, and if i push him away he tries to bite me. Now, I googled it and found that bunnies that are not fixed do this, he is fixed. So if anyone knows why he is doing this please let me know.

this is a northern. it is the biggest fish i caught on vacation. Fishing was pretty horrible to be honest. the weather was bad and we didnt catch anything really. i had my grandma hold it so i could take a clear picture. We have no cupcake shoppes in Minnesota. the closest i can get are ice cream cupcakes. so not the same. i contacted a bakery in Michigan and asked if they would ship to me... it was a no go. i love how pretty they are. makes me happy looking at them (no joke i cant stop smiling when i see pictures-yes i took more than one- of them).

This of course, is my Nephew Lucas. LOOK HOW BIG HE IS!!!!! he is no longer in an infant car seat!!! and i am really hopeing that is just water in there.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


I am doing the last minute emails and messages and last minute things that need to be taken care while I am out of town. I have started getting into the blogging thing again. I have so much to read still though. I have blogs from a month ago that I have not read yet. When I get back things should calm down for a week or two and then I will be back in school, something I am very scared about.

It’s a little after three AM, and I am wide awake, I have a majority of my stuff packed, and I am very excited about leaving in the afternoon tomorrow. My family keeps joking around about the Bestie driving ‘if you leave my 1pm than you will be there by 11pm’….. it’s a three hour drive. I am excited, the Bestie and I have not spend nearly as much time together as we should be. I am worried that our guys will get in the way of us bonding during this week. I am also very very excited about having a bed buddy, for an entire week! who wouldn’t love that?

I am worried about leaving my beloved Bunny (whom is named Hershey) for a week with my sister, I don’t know if she will give him enough attention or not. I guess the only thing to do is to find out.

I feel as if I am slowly figuring things out. The pieces are slowly getting put together again. I do not know what I want to do with my life as of yet, but I know what I want to do with the time that I have right now. I have amazing friends that will stick with me through anything,. I have developed a very great support system of friends and I absolutely do not know what I would do without them.

I will see you all when I get back in a week.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


So my sister and I went to the humane society and were just looking at everything, no intention of adopting (as is the norm). We saw the dogs, and the cats. We then swooped by to see the rabbits. There was a man that was holding one, telling me how awesome it was (he seemed a little off his rocker) and I knew my sister would want to hold the rabbit, so I asked if he minded if I held it.

He said sure and handed the rabbit over. I went into one of the safety rooms, and my sister followed.

We both fell in love with this rabbit. We started texting our mom, telling her we were coming home with a rabbit, she told us to just not come home (she did not like the idea). My sister and I could not leave without this cute little bunny, no way.

We knew if we could get our mom to hold the bunny, she wouldn’t make us take it back, but that would be hard. We also had to make sure we could return it if we couldn’t talk her into it.

We asked questions, filled out the paperwork and then the lady asked me if we lived with parents... we did. She said that in order to adopt the rabbit one of our parents had to come in and see the bunny and okay it.... not possible.

So, she put the rabbit on a hold for us, for 24 hours so we could try to get our mom or dad to come in. my sister and I then advised a plan.

We would call the guy my sister babysits for and have HIM come in and pretend to be her dad (my step dad). so, we got a hold of him, and as luck would have it he was driving this way, so he wouldn’t mind stopping in.

so our 'dad' got there and held the bunny, and LOVED him. We talked to the same lady, and finished the paperwork for the adoption.

WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! We now had our very own bunny!!!!!!!!

We then brought him in the house and my mom was NOT HAPPY. She told us to take him back. NOW. She wouldn’t even look at him. We did our sad faces, let the bunny say hi to the dogs and pretty much just gave the bunny a lot of attention. Finally my mom looked at the paperwork and said if my dad said yes, we could keep him.

So we had to drive to my dad’s work. My mom then told us we should probably lie and say we found the bunny outside. So we devised a story that the bunny was outside with the dogs, just chilling and when we put our hand down he just came right up to us (the bunny really does do this). So we found my dad, and told him what had happened. He said we should put up some flyers because obviously someone had lost a bunny, and if it is not found we could keep him.

WOOO HOOOO!!!!! Now we really FOR SURE have a bunny.

So, now I am chilling on my bed with the bunny hopping around, really loving his company; while my dad is downstairs searching for missing rabbits.

Monday, July 27, 2009


Lately people have been writing short letters to people. I think I am going to do the same.

Dear God,
Please help me answer some of my questions. I know you are out there, but what religion is the right one for me? it would help me a lot of you could maybe show me a direction in which I should go for this one.

Dear brother,
Your drinking is hurting the entire family; so is your drug use. I know you are a great person but when you drink you turn into a monster. I love you more than you will ever know, but I cant have anything to do with you when you drink.

Dear job market,
If you could please give me an amazing job that I love and gives me more money than I am making now, I promise to treat you really well.

Dear Nephew,
At night I think about how you are sleeping down in texas and how I am missing out on everything in your life. I am sorry I cant be the aunt I want to be, when you are older I hope we get to spend more time together. I love you.

Dear TV,
I don’t have time for you! I am sorry, but when I check out what you have recorded and I have almost 50 hours, I freak out and turn you off. When I turn you off I hope that somehow those shows will go away, but when I come back and there are more, I FREAK OUT.

Dear sewing machine,
I plan on using you more. I hope you are prepared.

Dear sleep,
I like you best when you are at least eight hours or leave me because of a sweet text. I also like you best when I am naked. Thank you for keeping me sane.

Friday, July 24, 2009

cuddling dreams

I have had these amazing dreams lately. I think others would agree with me on that point. They are rather simple, no action, no running around, no sex even(would that constitute as being categorized under action?). they are plain and simple. And I will try and convey one of them to you here.

Usually it starts out with me waking up, with someone next to me. the feeling of the warmth of their body next to mine. In the dream I can tell they love me and I love them as well. Usually his arms are around me, and our legs are touching. He nuzzles my neck with his nose and squeezes his arms around me. I take in his scent and keep my eyes closed. We stay cuddled together, enjoying each others company.We fall back asleep, in our lovers embrace. Eventually I wake up and turn around so I am facing him, and then we cuddle that way for a little while.

It’s a really simple dream, but I love it. and to be honest, it’s the best dream I think I have ever had. And I love that I have them almost every night. I love the feeling that is inside them, being protected and having someone love me so much. And I love knowing that one day this will all happen.

I am getting all gushy now aren’t I? I will stop now.

Sorry for being MIA, everything is super busy.

Friday, July 3, 2009


My adventure.

I had to go and get tabs for my car, a simple enough task. My mom was going with me (I didn’t want to go by myself). She told me to grab my drivers license and off we went. On the way over I was looking at my drivers license and saw the expiration date… February 2009…

Remember I got pulled over? That cop didn’t say anything.. I guess I got really lucky.

So we went to the DMV (it’s a different place than where you get Tabs) and I filled out the paper work, and we waited in line. And waited.

And waited.

There was an old lady and an old man. The lady was very cranky and all mean, but the man was joking around and was funny. He actually seemed nice.

Apparently if your DL expires before you apply for a new card, you have to take the written test again.

There is no way I can pass that test.

So we waited in line.

then we were next in line, and both the people were free. My sister and I were goofing off (she wanted me to get the lady) and trying to see who I would get.

I got the old man.


So I walk up and tell him ‘yea… I looked at my DL today and it was expired…’ he laughed at me and told me ‘yea I hate when that happens’ and then he asked if I had been pulled over and I said yes, for having a light out but the cop didn’t say anything. He was pretty amazed by then.

He then told me how much I had to pay, and to step over there to get my picture taken (it kinda sucked because I ran out of the house with no make up and my hair was up in a pony, so the pic will suck).

And then I had to sign and blah blah blah. And the old man told me ‘with your luck you should hit up the casino soon’ and I laughed at him.

It was funny. And then I left.

Good story right?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Ladies and gents! The reason why I have been working so hard this summer!

I didn’t do too well in my classes. But, I have figured out why. Now, as of now I am expelled from school and in order to get back in I have to appeal and here is the letter I wrote, this should explain a few things. (there is one part I have highlighted because I have to work on it. I also have to read through and edit it once more, so if you find mistakes please tell me)

Throughout my schooling I have never been one to get into trouble. I never got detention, always turned assignments in, and had never even skipped a class; and then I got into college. My first year was pretty decent. There were a couple troubled spots but for the majority I did well. I could improve those spots, and everything would be well. But then as I entered my second year of college something scary happened.
I started skipping my classes, for no reason other than I didn’t want to be there; completely not like me. I could not concentrate in the classes and decided I could not handle it. I felt too overwhelmed and decided that I must take time off of school to figure out what was wrong with me. That is when I withdrew from all of my classes. It was during that time I realized it did not matter what I wanted or how I felt, I simply needed to go to school and do my best, and I need to better myself. I then worked everything out so I was able to go to school once again in the spring.
I decided since going to class overwhelmed and I had been skipping I would take online classes. Everything was going well for most of the semester and then for some reason I lost focus. I was not doing the assignments, just because I didn’t feel like doing them. I couldn’t force myself to do them, I would much rather go to a movie with a friend than sit down and write a paper or read an assignment. I didn’t understand what was wrong, I knew it was not like me, but for some reason I was not able to sit down and focus on school.
When I realized I did not pass my classes, I did a lot of thinking. I need to be in school. Failing my classes is not acceptable to me; it is a waste of money, money that a lot of people that are actually going to pass their classes could use. I was (and still am) very angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I was not able to come up with the reason for my short comings; and then it hit me.
All of my life I have known what I want for my big picture. My plan was to become an attorney. I would go to community college, transfer to a university, and then off to law school. During my first year in college that changed, and by the time I started my second year of college I no longer wanted that as my career. I had a hard time focusing because I had nothing to focus on. I felt very lost for the first time in my life. I believe everyone goes through this at some point or another in their life.
I then talked to a very good friend of mine and he helped me figure some stuff out. There is a painter that used to be on PBS named Bob Ross. Ross focuses on painting bushes and trees and streams, and does not focus on the big pictures. He knows that while he works on the small details, making them his goal, the big picture will work itself out. My friend helped me realize that I do not have to work on the big pictures; I just have to focus painting the bushes, getting my generals. He helped me find what I need to focus on, and that was my problem.
As soon as I found out that I had done very poorly in my classes I came up with a way to save money so I can take two classes in the fall. My goal is to get the credits that are needed to raise my GPA, and once that is done I will focus on getting my generals. I will focus on the small goals (such as passing my classes) and leave the big picture up to God. I am determined to do as well as I know I can. This was my wake up call, and I do not need another one.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

cat toys

Suddenly I find that life has taken a turn (mostly for the better) and I have no free time. I am working all day, almost every day and then I get home and have to clean and do laundry and sleep. I am finding that I have almost no time to even hang out with friends. So my goal is to post on days I don’t work, so about twice a week. I am sorry if you feel neglected but we all know life takes president over posting.

I am so busy I don’t even have time to read other peoples blogs! Eek! So now, an actual post.

I am house sitting this week. it is rather exciting, I get my own place until Friday. That means that I have to do a lot of cleaning tomorrow… but.. that’s okay; totally worth it.

You know the twist tie you get from the bread? Ya know, the one that keeps the bag closed? Well, I found it in the dog bowl. So super awesome Me, decided to take it out and put it on the counter, only to walk back into the kitchen and find it in the dog bowl again. err… weird. So, I took it out again and placed it on the counter. This happened a couple times before I realized it was the cat doing this.. yea.. not my brightest moment.

So I kept taking it out, he kept putting it in. then, one morning I woke up and found it in the water bowl. I almost peed my pants with laughter. I am not used to cats, so these super cute things they do, come as a surprise. Since I am oh so mature, I put the twist tie in the cats food bowl. I thought I had out witted the cat.

A couple days later I was sitting on my computer. And guess what I watch?

I see the cat pick up the twist tie, put it in its teeth to carry, jump off the counter, walk over to where I am sitting. And very nonchalantly, place it in my handbag.


So, after I calmed down and stopped laughing, I decided to simply leave it in my handbag, just in case.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I baked.

For fun.

What is happening to me?

I was using my stumble button (for those of you with firefox I would strongly recommend it) and found this recipe.

We had all the ingredients and I actually got REALLY excited to bake them.

It is super simple and they are pretty good.

They are not the best things out there, but hey, I am the one that baked them.
I was then so excited with how they turned out I sent Kristen a plateful.

I hope her family likes them. (btw- the picture was taken after I put the press and seal stuff on it)

Bestie- you would have gotten some also but you don’t like coconut. The main ingredient.

I must be turning into Betty Crocker over here, waking up excited to bake.

I also cleaned out my closet today! Nothing exciting was found though.

P.S- I am working on the fountain pic Sage, I just honestly keep forgetting about it until the wee hours of the morning.

P.S the pictures? taken with my cell phone!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

red light, green light.

After working for six days straight, it is hard to sit still. I work in retail so I am on my feet all day and running around. After that many days you get used to it. Today I didn’t have to work and I didn’t know what to do. I sort of woke up and got dressed and ran out and got stuff for my lunches this week. I then came home and twirled my thumbs and decided to clean my bedroom.

I got to the point that a person vacuums. It’s not bad, and relatively easy (I don’t like the cleaning part before it). My mom has this SUPER AWESOME vacuum that has a red light on it, and when that light turns green that means the carpet is clean.

Great idea right? That way you know when the floor is clean and you got all of the crumbs and everything up.

Well not so great when the damn thing won’t turn green.

I think I was vacuuming the same spot for 15 minutes before I came to the realization that the magic light is broken.

I just hope my mom doesn’t mind that my dirty floor broke it.

Friday, May 22, 2009

mothers day.. a little late.

*I wrote this awhile ago but didn’t like how it sounded, so I am reworking it and posting it now*

Mothers Day is coming up, just a couple weeks away. Go moms!

Well, I always come up with gift ideas for everyone and always attach my sister’s name to it, or say it’s from her. It’s just how it works. Well, for the past two years my sister is in charge of the mother’s day gift. Yes, I do pay for it since my sister doesn’t have a job; but it is her responsibility to come up with a great gift for our mom.

My sister found the perfect gift.

The other day our parents went out shopping for parenty things (toilet paper, eggs, milk, shovels, ya know)

And they came home and my mother told my sister about this outdoor fountain she wants really bad, but my father says she does not need a fountain for her garden.


So my sister and I tell my parents we are going out shopping, to target and leave the house. We are full of giggles and excitement.

We get to wal-mart, the store my sister tells me it is at and go to the garden center. We don’t see the fountain my mom talked about. So we ask a sales associate about it.

Me: hi, my parents were here yesterday and they saw a fountain, I was wondering where the fountains are?
Lady: oh sure they are right over there

She points at a wall FULL of fountains.
The lady is nice and stays there, in case we need help and I ask my sister what the fountain looked like.

We have no idea. All we know is the price. So we tell this lady the price. There are no fountains that cost that.

Are we sure it is the right wal-mart?

So I call my dad up and ask him about it, tell him we just want to see it.

Yea the fountain is at Fleet Farm (my fav store ever, almost).

Oops. Wrong store.

So we ventured over to fleet farm and got this darn fountain.

Totally awesome by the way.

Well, in our excitement of getting this fountain and not wanting our parents to go out and buy it. We then gave it to my mom, just a little early.

The fountain is now in the living room. Because she says it’s to pretty to get put outside.

(its STILL in the living room)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

friendly ghost

Lucas is walking!!! Well, he has been for a couple weeks but I thought I would tell you about the best Nephew Ever, just so all of you are updated.

You know when you have those dreams and you wake up and are like ‘uhhhh what?’ and there is no way you can explain it because no matter how hard you try, it is just so weird people won’t get it.

Let me give you an example.

A couple nights ago I had a dream I was a ghost. But for some reason J and Grant (ghost hunters...hello. everyone should know that) could see me and we decided to play tricks on the other members of the crew. And so,they would send them to a certain area and I would go through the walls (like Casper!) And since they couldn’t see me I would touch them, or move things or pull on their jackets. Anything to freak them out. They were convinced the place was haunted. So they would call Jason and Grant and tell them about how crazy the EMF detector was and how they should get up there so they could experience it as well. And then of course they would come up and we would laugh our heads off. Because we are very mature.

Well then someone from TAPS called Sam and Dean (supernatural) and so there was this big case because I was a ghost but I wasn’t like normal ghosts. And so they didn’t do their magic with me because I apparently could help them later on, and I was hot and we all know how Dean is...

And it went on from there.

Crazy right?

Why was I the ghost?

And why did I have to be DEAD before I got to experience an actual paranormal investigation.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

shopping trip

Last week I went on an adventure.

For those of you that know me, you know my vibrator broke. The top that turned it on came apart. And I fixed it for a couple days but then it was making me mad, so that was the end of that. I ended up going back to my roots and getting off my using things I found around the house.

Until Wednesday.

I decided to go to the sex store, all by myself, without telling anyone, and pick out a new toy.

So that morning I woke up, got ready and drove to the nearest toy store for adults. I wasn’t nervous at all. The people that work there deal with this every day. To them it’s not a big deal.

I parked my car. And got scared. I must have sat in my car for a good 20 minutes before getting the courage to walk inside. As I did that, I felt as if everyone that was passing me had their eyes on me, and they were shaking their head in disapproval. So, I stuck my nose a little further in the air and pushed the door open.

I was greeted with a woman asking for my ID. As I handed it to her I wondered if she noticed my hand shaking. She Okayed me to enter the store and I skipped to the ‘woman’s toys’ section. As I browsed the store I giggled in my head as a passed the ‘anal bead’ section and a couple of the other toys, thank goodness none escaped out of my lips.

I looked at the toys and ventured around for a little while looking for something to catch my eye. The woman must have thought I looked suspicious because she came up and asked me if I wanted help with anything. I told her no, I was just looking and she said ok. She then told me if I wanted to see how anything worked I could bring it up to her and she would show me!!! Oh the jokes that entered my head... I told her thank you and continued looking.

I finally found a toy that I was looking for and walked very slowly to the register. She then asked me if I wanted to check it out and test it before I bought it. I told her it would be ok. She then told me that if it doesn’t work I can’t return it. I told her to get some batteries.

She put the batteries in it and turned it on. She then handed it to me asking ‘is this strong enough’. At this point I said thank you to God for not making me a blusher. I told her yes, it would be fine. And she then commented on how people need different things and that matters and I agreed with her and I caught myself in a conversation about the strength of vibrators.

I then paid and walked out of the store.

With my black bag.

Happy as can be. I was no longer embarrassed about having this toy in my hand.

When I got home I actually didn’t rush to my bedroom. I had a conversation with my mom and talked to her for a little while and then went up to my room and tried out my new toy.

Well, it wouldn’t turn on. I am not kidding you.

I freaked out, I know it worked in the store; I had the batteries the right way (alright so I may have tried all ways and no matter what it didn’t work). I was not happy. I was looking for the receipt so I could call and ask her what was wrong with it. And just at that moment I got it to work.

A smile spread across my face and I settled into my bed, ready for some action.

*note to friends- I didn’t tell you guys any of this because I wanted you to be surprised as you read this blog post. Don’t get mad please.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

letting go

When Adam and I broke up I did not change my relationship status on facebook or myspace. Because that would finalize it. That would mean he is officially not mine any more (crying already) and I did not want that at all. I know we had broken up and I was single, I made that well known. But he still made my day brighter. I still enjoyed talking to him just as much, and we still talked like a couple.

One of the most amazing things about Adam is that he doesn’t want sex, he wants to make love. He doesn’t want to just get off, he wants the connection of being with someone, and he wants that closeness, that intimacy. For him it is a very big deal. It’s about showing how you feel, showing that person how much you love them.

I am the only girl Adam has ever wanted to any of that with.

When I think about Adam, I can’t think of anything wrong with him, there is nothing I would change about him. He is perfect. He has helped me grow as a person tremendously since we have started talking. He has made me feel more comfortable with my body and much more confident.

Because of him I will stick up for myself more and actually do things for me, and not to please other people.

I had to ask him to let me go, so I could move on.

That was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. Because giving Adam up is like giving up the sky. There is no one in this world that I like more than Adam. The first thing I do in the morning is go online to see if I have anything new from him. I make sure to be online around 2:30 so I can talk to him when he gets home from work. Having five minutes with him is much better than not talking at all.

When I asked him to let me go, I felt as if the world was falling down on me. I can’t talk about it without crying.

I still feel very strongly that he is The One for me, but I can’t sit around and wait for someone that won’t be in an actual relationship with me.

Adam and I are each other’s rocks. And we always will be. I won’t allow him to stop talking to me, he is my best friend and he can’t do that. I need him more than he will ever know. Right now I think he needs space, and I am fine with that. I broke his heart last night and that is the worst thing in the world, I know the pain.

This morning I came online and changed my facebook and myspace status to single.

I have met a new guy. And he is incredible, I can find no flaws in him (to be honest, I haven’t even looked). I enjoy talking to him every time we talk and there is potential with him. Do I feel for him as strongly as I feel for Adam? No, but give it time and I may.

The bestie and this guy, let’s call him Sweetie, had been friends for a very long time. He wanted more than friendship with her, but she decided not to pursue that. She believed there was no way a relationship would work due to the fact he lives in AZ. Him and I started talking and hit it off really well. It wasn’t planned or anything. The Bestie has hurt feelings now and she is very upset about the situation. I told her (and Adam) that if she is unable to handle me talking to him and maybe starting a relationship with him, she needs to tell me and I will stop talking to him. The friendship with her is more important than any guy ever will be.

Since she has been so angry with me and yelling at me every time we try to talk, I have been giving her space. I haven’t been talking to her very much and I haven’t been telling her what is going on with me. Because I honestly can’t handle her yelling and being mad at me.

I have told Sweetie the issues and what is going on. The Bestie has taken this to mean something that it is not, and she is very jealous. I will tell her, she is the person I want to tell, but I can’t handle the fighting and her yelling at me.

I will post later about some of the other stuff that is going on. I promise I have a couple good stories to tell as well.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


I do not want this blog to turn into a place where I come and complain about my problems. I want this blog to be just a fun place that I talk about everything, a place I can go to get away from everything and just be happy.

Right now, honestly, I can’t really think of anything good to write about. Yes, there are good things going on, but blog worthy? Not really.

Something that is happening/happened?

I am totally a texter now.

Oh yea. I was doing like 600-1200 a day, but now that is down to a couple hundred. I love it when people randomly text me, just to say hi or to tell me a joke or something.

I love how conversations in text are almost never serious. They are usually just to tell people what you are doing or to say hi. I love that.

I love the simplicity.

I am also finding I enjoy talking on the phone (has to be after 9 though).

Apparently in 2.5/3 weeks my night and weekend minutes was 3500, that is CRAZY! I wouldn’t even classify myself as a phone person.

Need someone to random text? Email me your number and I will for sure text you some craziness.

Friday, May 1, 2009


There is a lot going on right now, so much so I feel as if I am neglecting writing to you all. Here are some clippings of what is going on:

*school is ending in a couple weeks
*the family now knows my baby sister is on birth control
*my grandma is not mad at me anymore for not going up there for Easter
* I am talking to my mom again
*the bestie is so upset at me right now she can’t handle even looking at me
*I feel like a really bad person because I am doing something completely for me
*I am going to be house sitting in June
*Adam and I are still besties
*I made brownies
*I tried the flat bread at subway and really liked it
*my sister and I decided I totally get Dean and she gets Sam if the need ever arises.
*previous statement was then followed by this conversation
Sister: that’s ok because you get a dick and I get someone with an actual heart.
Me: how do you know Sam has a heart? He is part demon. And HELLO Dean has gone to hell, how would you deal with that?
Sister: yea you’re right, that means we don’t know if he has a soul or not. I don’t think he does

*I got a new shirt
*trying to save money for a summer class

I am sorry I cant give you an actual post. Maybe tomorrow?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

first ever tagged thingy

I was making my rounds today, checking out all of the people that have posted something new and a stumbled upon Southern Sages post. it was one of those posts were they answer questions and then tag someone. i always look at these with envy, i never get tagged. i am relatively new to this blog thingy and since i tend to be an introvert and not comment, not many people come to my blog. and that is A-OK with me.

but this morning when i got done reading (and giggling) at his answers the first person he tagged was 'Jess-X' holy cow...that looked like my name. so i clicked it. and guess where it brought me?!? MY BLOG!!! i got tagged!!! i jumped out of my seat (no i am not kidding) and freaked out. i may have squealed in delight.

Southern Sage you totally just made my day, thank you.

Eight Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. end of this semester
2. seeing Lucas again
3. getting dressed
4. seeing a ghost
5. volunteering at the YMCA
6. a picnic sometime this week
7. new music
8. tagging people

Eight things I did yesterday..

1. did the dishes
2. woke up
3. got my fishing pole out
4. got the mail
5. went to target
6. went to a womans health expo
7. talked to Adam
8. got my hair cut

Eight things I wish I could do

1. move to a third world country
2. cure the world from pain
3. find love for the bestie
4. protect my sister
5. get my brother to be clean and sober
6. get straight A's without studying
7. sing like Christina Aguilera
8.marry Kevin Rudolf

Eight TV shows I watch

1. Grays Anatomy
2. Ellen
3. The Real World
4. American Idol (go Adam!!)
5. taking the stage
6. supernatural
7. Tough Love
8. American Dragon: Jake Long

Eight people I tag


The Bestie

Coal Miners Granddaughter

ok i know its not eight people, but thats all i can see right now that read my blog and will do it. so yea.

Monday, April 20, 2009


The song the best describes how I feel about Adam?

Taylor Swift Breathe

some of the lyrics are

'I cant Breathe without you, but I have to'
'Its two AM, feeling like I just lost a friend'

I am letting him go, I am moving on, but its so damn hard. The love that Adam and I have for each other is the love that anyone that believes in love wants. Its what everyone dreams about; but yet we cant be together.

I had a dream last night.

I was getting married. And Adam was walking me down the aisle, and I had on a really big poofy white dress, totally beautiful. And we got to the end, were the girl gets passed on to the next guy. And Adam and I just stood there staring at each other. And then we went in for a hug, and I whispered ‘it should be you’ and he said ‘I know’. When we moved apart we both had tears rolling down our cheeks. People started whispering because of how long Adam and I had been standing there.

Adam then pushed me forward and the other guy took my arm and pulled me away.

I kept looking back at Adam, and he kept looking at me. I then said ‘I’m so sorry. But this, this isn’t right’ and walked out through a side door. I then ran until I found an isolated room and cried and cried.

Adam found me and sat down (I was on the floor in a ball) and pulled me to him. We didn’t say anything and I just cried. After a couple minutes I looked at him and he had tears running down his face; I then wrapped my arms around him.

And we kissed. In the dream it was our first kiss ever. It was short, but was so full of compassion and love that it shocked me. Adam pulled away and that’s when I woke up.

I am big on symbolism. The fact that I was getting pulled to this guy, and I didn’t really want to marry his says a lot. The fact that Adam was the one walking me down the aisle and he is the one I wanted and the one that found me, wow.

I still feel very strongly about the fact Adam and I are going to end up together. I just wish the emptiness of not having him would go away.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

boys and hearts

I am sorry dear blog readers, I have been thinking everything in my head but havent really been giving you guys much attention. I had a blog all planned out about everything that was going on and how I needed to figure it out; but then as I was laying in bed last night i figured it all out. So there is nothing there to report on.

I got my moms mothers day present today, and then gave it to her. I have a hard time waiting.

Do any of you have days where you are sort of sad and gloomy for no reason? I feel like that today. I have no idea why. I am really happy, but I just feel sad.

So.. want me to talk about guys really quick?

Newbie and I are friends, he has to figure stuff out about him before he is ready for a relationship, and I want to be someone he can count on.

Adam and I are still friends.. totally awesome and I have decided that if he ever wants to get back with me he will have to woo me.

Then there is this new guy.. he will be joining the marines in 2011 so I will call him Mr.Marine. he loves me, like, he is very much in love with me and I love that he feels that way. and he is much different than Adam. He tells me how he feels and there is great communication and everything..and I do love him but I think he loves me more. Is that fair to him? and he just got out of a relationship (like 2 days ago) (lets not get into how I was talking to him while he had a girlfriend…) and so its hard. I am afraid I will hurt him even more than he has been hurt already.

But I have decided that if things with him continue and I am happy with him, and he is happy with me I should take the chance if it comes up. because he is a really great guy and he is all caring and thoughtful and real. So yea. Mr.Marine is the new guy that I want..we shall see if it works out.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


9 sock mates on the bed...

13 unmated socks on the desk...

and people wonder why i dont like doing laundry.

had a great birthday. the Bestie and my friends did an awesome job at making it special.
i love them all.

and thank you to those that gave birthday wishes. totally awesome of you.


Sunday, April 5, 2009


its my birthday.. i turn 20 today. its crazy how young i am, i feel much older some days. and then other days i look back and see how little i have accomplished, and how much more growing i will do, and i am glad that i am still young.

the bestie wrote a post about me, so i thought i would give you a link to that so you can read about how great i am.

here is the link

Thursday, March 26, 2009


I have been taking a lot of pictures lately and thought i would share some with you. they are super random, but i like them all. i was going to also put some up of my vacation but it took long enough to get these formatted and worked the way i enjoy.

This is me showing off my smarts. If you click to enlarge you can see why it only has *46* states

This is Betty, she comes every morning and sits outside of my window. She is super big, can't wait to watch her grow and throw rocks at her for waking me up too early. I like opening my window and whistling at her; this morning after the 'cat-call' she flew away, guess shes not that kind of girl...

Charlie!!! he is rocking a California look right there, showing off some chest hair. If you look close you can even see his boxers...showing off for the ladies .

this is my dear sister...God bless her..she sure is challenged..

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


My sister and I are driving around and everything is going fine. The rain keeps pouring down making it a little hard to see, but thank goodness for windshield wipers. Due to the road conditions no one is going the speed limit, but I am OK with that.

I find it interesting that in Minnesota we can drive in blizzards and be cool with everything but as soon as it rains we don’t know how to react…

Up ahead there is a stop light; it just turned red so the cars are starting to slow down. I can see the red brake lights getting closer and closer.

I start pushing my foot on the break, nothing is happening.

Wet roads, cars are getting closer and closer to us.

My foot has no affect..

My life is now flashing before my eyes.

I am praying that my family will not morn my death, that they will move on.

And then something magical happens.

We start to stop.

That’s when I remember…

My sister is driving.

Monday, March 23, 2009

short story

once upon a time there was a girl that had a car with a sunroof. her car was making weird noises and when her father looked at it he said to only drive it to work and back, until he fixed it.

so the girl had not been anywhere since Saturday. she lives in a state that has been raining for two days. today she looked out the front door and saw her sunroof was open.

it had been open since Saturday.

she ran outside and closed the sunroof but it was too late, the inside is already soaking wet.

the end.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


We have a fake spider in my house; it is about the size of a fifty cent piece, and black. We have had it for about a year now; and for some reason it just won’t go away. I find it in different places all the time.

Sometimes it is in-between dish clothes in the draw; sometimes it moves so that it is under the sink by the dog treats; other times it is on the floor next to the fridge.

Every time it moves it seems to found it with a shock to my heart and a jump backwards, often followed by laughter from the other room.

Now, I am not afraid of spiders. I do not know why this one makes me jump.

This weekend my mother and sister are out of town. That means it is my father, brother and myself. This damn spider is showing up everywhere.

My father found it on his coffee pot, and then it was on my sandwich. I did a quick jump back, trying to act like I stepped on something and it was not the damn spiders fault for my reaction. I then took the spider off my sandwich and set it on the counter. Then went and made sure my dad knew how I reacted. We chit chatted for a couple minutes and then I went back to get my sandwich. I then jumped at the spider that was right next to my plate. No joke.

About an hour later I was sitting on the floor with my dog and out of the corner of my eye I saw a large black thing. I made sure not to react this time and pretend I didn’t notice it, I am done jumping from this plastic spider. I turned and was petting my dog and out of the corner of my eye I see the damn thing crawling towards me.

This one was real. I jumped up and screamed (don’t know why. I am not afraid of spiders normally); I then asked my dad to squish it. Through his laughter he handed me some socks (sorry mom) and I smooshed the thing.

Now I have gotten rid of one of them, not I just have to find a way for the plastic one to ‘get lost’.

Had a blast of vaca!!! I have a couple stories to tell from it, just wanted to get this one out while I remembered.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

on vaca

Hi everyone! I am typing this out Saturday morning, still on vacation (left Saturday).

As of now (Wednesday) I will be:
Freaking out about no computer
Super horny
Wondering about all of you and wondering what I am missing
Thinking about how I will be missing HNT, my favorite day of the week
Thinking about the newbie and missing him tons
Laughing at Stacy’s fear of the bears at night
(I plan on tricking her again saying I felt a mouse)
Stacy and I most likely are arguing like crazy
Stacy will be hogging the ENTIRE bed!!
I will be thinking about the newbie
I will be walking around outside
Trying to tame the wild cats (I am awesome at it)
I will be thinking about the newbie
I will be freaking out at how many twitters I am missing
I will be playing tetris in my sleep
I will be really missing the newbie.

Hope you are all having fun! I know I am! I love vacation!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

socks. stay far away!

Can I be honest with you? I am falling for the newbie.
And I am scared about that.

So. I hate socks; actually let’s get a little deeper.

I hate feet.

I think all feet are ugly, yes even yours. And don’t even try to say ‘well look at your feet’ because I am the first to admit that my feet are ugly.

Sorry, it’s just the truth. And if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

M y hatred for socks goes a long way, ever since I was a child. I wear then as little as possible. Even in the winter I will wear some stilettos when its -20 degrees outside and my feet will freeze but, it is much better to not feel my feet then to wear socks.

Why do I hate socks? I think they are disgusting. Your feet sweat. DON’T EVEN TELL ME THEY DON’T!! Feet sweat; end of story. And if you are wearing socks the sweat just goes in those socks, the socks soak it up and then your feet are sitting in the sweat. And then a couple hours later, your feet sweat again and your socks soak it up again.

So in actuality when wearing socks you are surrounded by sweat.

So don’t tell me socks aren’t gross. And don’t ask me to pick up your dirty socks; because more than likely I will treat them like the plague.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

breaking hearts.

Dear Adam,
I know you are busy and I feel awful for doing this, but I know you do not like confrontation and I can only take so much of your passiveness.
We used to have a great relationship, you respected me tremendously, and I felt as if you would always be there for me. you would do anything to make me happy, you would do anything I asked of you. I have cried over you so much, I have cried over the situation and the lack of communication from you.
You do not tell me anything, I know nothing about what is going on in your life right now. As your girlfriend I deserve to know. When you are busy that is all it will take is a simple message telling me that, telling me when you will be available to talk, but you will not give that to me.
I feel as if you are stinging me along on your ride. You do not want to lose me, but you do not want me there either.
Actions speak louder than words. Your actions are breaking my heart. I love you, I really do. If you asked me I would drive down to see you, all 10 hours just to be with you for a couple minutes. I would do anything you ask of me. but I do not think you would do the same for me.
I feel as if you are not in this relationship as much as I am. I think that I have to give you the freedom that you already have. I have to stop holding on to you. I have to let you go. I have to be strong for both of us and finally say what we both know was coming.
I love you. you are the first guy that I have ever felt safe with. you are the first guy I have ever wanted (and still want) to have inside of me. you are the first guy I have ever felt secure enough to show my body to (even if it was not all of it). being with you was a great thing for me. you are a great person and I will never stop loving you.
Right now, writing this out I am surprised by the tears that keep flowing down and the pain that I feel. But I believe I am doing what is best for you. I have taken myself out of the equation and am solving the problem.
You have been avoiding me, you can say that you are busy but we both know if you wanted you would make time for me. we both know you want freedom and you do not like being tied down. I tied you down. We both know that we care about one another. I am trying to do what is best for you, even if that means I am in so much pain.
I am so sorry. But I think you want me to let you go. I think that you have wanted that for some time now, you just wouldn’t say it.
I will always be here for you. and if you change your mind and decide that you want me, I will take you back in a heartbeat.
I still believe that we really do complete each other. we really do balance each other out.
And you are my best friend.
I just feel you want me to let you go, so now I have.
I would really appreciate a long message from you explaining everything from your point of view, some insight as to how you feel, but I do not think you will give me that.

I am sorry.
I will always love you.

Always yours

Friday, March 6, 2009

all better :)

Doing homework right now, feeling very motivated.

I went and visited the bestie that made everything better.
There is nothing I can do about my brother or my sister, so I just have to let that be and let go of it.
The BF is a person and I cannot control him, no matter how much I want to. I am a strong person and he cannot bring be down. He is one MAN, I am so much better. I know if we break up we will still be friends (once the heartbreak is over) and he will be a positive influence in my life. So, I simply have let go. I love him and will always love him, him being my first serious relationship and all, ya know.
I am smiling and I know I am not depressed, I am rather happy. My mother does not understand how much time school takes up, and that is OK. She has the right to believe whatever she wants, and I cannot change that. I know that I am happy and I know why I do things, therefore I have to let go of the negativity that her talking to me brought.

Wewh. See? I have worked it all out. I can only control me, and I know that I am a great person. So I have to let it all go. And that is what I have done.

So I will continue with school and everything, and I will make an effort to hang out with my family more (I guess that is what I will be changing).

I have kind of gone off track with my New Year resolutions due to laziness. Oops.

Hope everyone is having as great of a day as I am!

Oh! And thank you to everyone that has been commenting. I read your guys’ blogs, but I have a hard time coming up with something to say as a comment and I don’t want to nerd out and say something like ‘oh I love you! Just wanted you to know I read what you wrote’. But yea, I love the comments and I love knowing people ARE reading my blog. Makes me feel better knowing there are people that have gone through harder stuff then me and they have survived, so I know I can.

*this is the most random blog I have written I think. Just didn’t like all that negativity from yesterday.

*confession? I think praying helped me figure this all out. Thank you God!