I want to be Physically Attractive

The first time Gordon and I met, I had lost a lot of weight and was very proud of myself for doing it. I did it for me. I did it to be healthy and to have a better life. The second time he saw me I had lost even more.

And then he told me he is not ‘physically attracted to me’ he prefers ‘athletically fit women’

So pretty much everything I am not.

He said this at the end of November. Since then I have not been able to lose any weight. I have though, managed to gain a lot of it back.

I look in the mirror and all I think about is how ugly and fat I am. there are times when I think about it and end up crying (sorta like today). Because I don’t know what to do.

He loves me, and I love him. but he doesn’t want to touch me. at all. The thought of touching me grosses him out (he has never said that, its just what I have in my head).

I need to get over this somehow (if that is possible) because I want to be healthy. For myself. And to be honest, I want him to want me as well.

I want to have sex. Lots and lots of sex. But he barely can even kiss me.

Because I am ugly and fat.

And I am trying to change that, but its not working; and I am struggling with it more and more as time goes on.

bubbles

So I had a dream about a purse. It was beautiful and robins egg blue and square and amazing. In my head I still picture it and I want it SO BADLY, but I cannot find the purse of my dreams anywhere.

Socializing is hard. I enjoy being alone. I honestly do. but every weekend there are different people that want to see me that I haven’t seen in months. And although this makes me seem like I am awesome and people obviously love me, its hard. how did I get so many friends? I don’t need them all. But they are all important to me, that is why I go out with them all. And to be honest, once I do go out with them, I have a great time and am glad I was forced out of my house.

Speaking of which, is a total mess. Has been for awhile now, due to having to socialize.

There are a few of you –ahem Dago and Pepin- that I have sent emails to and have not yet heard a response which makes me worry.

I don’t know if I announced this on my blog or not yet but, I told Gord that either we will be engaged by the end of the year, or I am walking away. I don’t mind a long engagement but I do mind being in a relationship that’s not going anywhere.

I am throwing my sister a baby shower. Yes I am. the baby could be here any minute now (she isn’t due until March 16^th but doctor said she could pop any time now, the baby is in THAT position).

I am nannying still, and omg the THREE kids amaze me every day.

….I also now have a car seat in my car Monday thru Friday…

I hope everyone is having a great February and a great year so far! Im off to take a bubble bath.

Don’t judge.

Sickly

My alarm clock wakes me up in the morning at 8am every day; and every day I turn it off and tell myself I should sleep in, I am not ready for the day yet. And I go back to sleep and when I wake up all refreshed and ready for the day I get out of bed and figure out my plan (I like having a plan). And then I look at the clock and its always around 8:10am.

Yea, my body lets me sleep in for a whopping 10 minutes. And I elliptical it, because that is what my body is telling me it wants and shower and yadda yadda boring every day stuff.

Well today, I woke up and was exhausted. So I went back to bed.

And when I woke up I still felt exhausted, so I looked at the clock, it was 11:00am. so I forced myself out of bed and I forced myself on the elliptical.

And my body yelled at me. and told me NO I CANT DO THIS TODAY. Which was odd, so I told myself YES YOU CAN but I couldn’t, I felt horrible so after 2 minutes I got off. And I was hot, like super hot. Not like a ‘I worked out so hard’ hot it was a ‘I think I have a fever’ hot.

And it hit me.

I am getting sick. I have a sore throat that I was ignoring, and I have had the flemmy thing going on for a few days and yesterday I was coughing.

So I am in bed. and it is 12:02pm and I have to shower and get ready for work soon. But I just want to just lay here and lay here until Sunday.

Here is a picture for reading my boring story