Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Guess who is going to be with me on new years?!


My favorite little person, EVER!!

he is coming tomorrow and will be with us for a week. no joke, this is how it went down.

-ring ring-

brother: 'ello
Lucas' mom: do you want Lucas for a week?
B: of course, why?
LM: i will be there tomorrow afternoon, we will drop him off at your house with everything he needs, you need to pick up food and diapers and wipes though, and we will leave him there for the week we are in town, got that?

so we went out, got food (another story for a different blog, maybe tomorrow?) and now just have to wait for him to come!!

3 positive things
1. i am an aunt.
2. Lucas is coming.
3. Lucas will be HERE tomorrow at this time.

Monday, December 29, 2008

lost and found

Everyone around here knows how um…often I misplace items. It is not very uncommon for me to ask where my ID is, or if anyone has seen my car key, people expect me to look for something before I leave the house.

When I was in high school in order to stop this trend, I decided to carry a purse. I would just throw everything that I needed in this handy dandy contraption and not worry about finding it, until I had to dig in the bottomless hole to find a pen, or a piece of paper. and I will admit, it did help out a bit; I knew everything was in one place, and I didn’t have to worry about taking it out of my pants pocket or having it fall out of whatever I had placed it in.

Then I started to just lose the entire purse. I would set it somewhere so that I knew where it was, and make sure to leave it there until I needed it, well then I would forget where THERE was. I would have to search the house the this damn bag before I could go anywhere, do anything. And if someone moved it? Oh God, the world would stop moving until I found it.

I would forget it in dressing rooms, and at tables in restaurants. Any place I had to set this bag down, I would forget it. I forgot it in classrooms almost on a daily base.

So I stopped caring a purse. I consolidated what I carried around to a more simpler list: drivers license, school ID, debit card. And that is all. No need to carry around my iPod and camera and tide to go stick, I didn’t carry around cards and lists and a mini book in case I was bored. No more gum wrappers or reciets that I would only look at to throw in the trash.

Much much more simpler, and now I do not even have to take time every once in a while to clean out The Hole. Or worry about leaving it some place.

Now, I know I am back to what I originally had, but it works out. See it is winter so I keep it in my jacket pocket and don’t worry about it. My aunt gave me a handy dandy credit card holder so I just shove everything in there. In the summer I will have to make sure to come up with some sort of system so that I do not spend time looking for my most plastic.

3 positive things!
2. I wrote out a to-do list and have one more thing to do on it
3. ice skating tomorrow!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

not knowing

The boyfriend and I are going through some troubled times, I do not know if he wants me anymore. My heart is breaking with every second I do not hear from him. with every second that I do not know what he wants.

I know what I want.

I want his arms around me, the safety of knowing he is there for me (oh god I am starting to cry).

I got out of the house, made sure to get away from the computer so I could get my mind off of him, it did not work too well.

I went to barns and noble and headed to the teen section, and of course they are all about the perfect boy and finding him and heartbreak. Like the story was written for me. I had to leave before I started crying.

I am a strong person, I am not a crier, so why can I not stop these tears? I mean he hasn’t even broken up with me yet. And he may not.

He may just need some space.

I just don’t know, and the not knowing is what hurts so bad.


I fear The End is near...

cant sleep...

it is 4am..not much going on...

just cant sleep..

i just want to know...

i just want to know.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

masturbation/ alone

I feel alone.
There is no one out there that understand me completely.
There is no one out there that has the same problems as me, the same issues.
There is no one out there that thinks like me.
There is no one out there that has the same past as me.
No one that has the family I have
Has learned the lessons I have learned.
We are all alone in this world.
That is a scary thought.
Maybe that is why I cant sleep

Does anyone else wonder if God masturbates? Seriously. Does he watch girls in the shower and jerk it? Think about it, he is the one that made it so that people could masturbate, and I am sure he is a sexual beast just like the rest of us. He is always ‘watching over us’ so why not get some enjoyment out of it? Instead of simply listening to us bitch and moan our way through life he could get some enjoyment. While some lonely chick *cough cough* cries in the shower he could rub one out. Anyway…

3 positive things!

1.The car I hit yesterday on the way to work had no damage
2.I don’t have to work today
3.The AAR’s CD comes out today.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


i find it hard to sleep.

i know i am not the only one.

i will crawl into my bed now, get comfortable, and lay there for an eternity.

and then eventually my eyes will close and i will relax into a state of bliss.

and then in what seem like minutes, i will be woken up to the family wandering around the house.


Friday, December 12, 2008


**this is a personal topic that I have not talked about at all before. Just something that ya know, I FEEL. And since this is my blog I get to decide what to write about. Lucky you.
***also, this may make me sound like a crazy person. Please take this as your warning.

I have never been one of those crazy ladies that likes babies, that coos whenever there is a young one in the room. I have never felt the urge to hold every child that was willing to sit still in my arms. I have never felt that, just not my cup of tea. I felt no need to have children, I am fine without them. Why does everyone see the need to populate the world with little minions of themselves out there? Again, no thank you ma’am.

And then Lucas was born. Lucas is my nephew. The best nephew ever, yes EVER. The moment I saw him in his little box in the little ‘we aren’t supposed to be born yet’ section of the hospital, I could not help but love him. looking at his little face, he was only about 2 pounds, but he was strong. He held his daddies finger (my brother) and would hold on. he was a little ball of innocents. A little ball for me to love. As an aunt I cannot do much, except spoil him. since money is tight right now, I cannot spoil him with materialistic items like I would like to do. Instead I can be here for him when he gets older, love him all the time and just be the best person I can be for the little man.
That would be a lot easier to do if he did not live in Texas. He moved there when he was a couple months old (2 weeks after he left the hospital) and we have only seen him once since then. I miss him. I really do. I feel that I have so much love to give and no one to give it to.

Lucas has changed my life. He is not even a year old yet, but he has done it. He changed the way I see babies. He has changed the way I look at people that want kids.

I now want a child. Now, don’t think I have gone all crazy. I do not want one now, just some time in my life.

I want to love that baby that came from me (or adopted) I want to feel their innocents in my body, through my soul, touching my heart. I want that. I want to have the power to change a poopy diaper and know that I am helping that little thing survive the day. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby until he goes back to sleep. I want to love it. I simply want something to love. Something to love and call my own.

I want to be the person a child goes to when they have had a bad day. I want to be the answer to all of their problems. I want to teach a child life lessons. I want a child to teach ME life lessons. I want to be able to say ‘yea that one, yea the one in the teenage mutant ninja turtle shirt, shes mine. Her father dressed her today…’ I want to get up in the morning knowing there is more than me that needs to be take care of. I want to take care of bullies on the play ground. I want to watch their t-ball games or dance classes, whatever they want to get in to, I will be supportive.

I want to be able to stop the pain with a kiss, to say it is all right and have them believe me. I want to get upset and mad and irritated at something the little one did. I want to revolve my life around the child. I want to make them happy. I want to stop their pain. I want to protect them from all of the dangers in the world until they are ready to experience it.

I want to go shopping for her first sports bra. Get him ready for his first date. I want to be the embarrassing mom that tells them she loves her kids when dropping them off at the movies.

I want to freak out when they drive for the first time, do the break thing on the passengers side. I want to make them feel better with trips to a favorite store or long drives in the country. I want to listen to their endless gossip about people I do not know.

I want to cry at their wedding, take millions of pictures of that day, tell embarrassing stories about their childhood.

I want to help them make the BIG decisions. I want my words to influence them.

I want to trust them to make the right decisions in life when I am not around. I want them to believe in a higher power. I want them to be all that they can be. I want them to be able to survive this world.

I want to watch them grow from small little piles of poop and boogers to sophisticated woman and men. I want to be proud of them, and I want them to be proud of me.

I want them to be stronger than I am.
I want them to need me.

So there it is, I am retracting all of those statements I have made previously about not wanting a child. Because, I do want one.

Thank you Lucas for showing me this. I love you.

no topic here.

Mother Flo came today. Exciting. NOT. On the positive side, and least I know my vibrator didn’t impregnate me.

Granny is in town this weekend, doing Christmas shopping ya know.
I have to hit her up for more money to help pay for school.

Boyfriend and I have lasted four months FOUR MONTHS. Too bad all we did yesterday was argue. I hate hate hate arguing with him. and he had a reason to be mad, but he also needs to give me attention. It takes a lot to get him mad, and I mean a lot. So we shall see how this plays out…

Almost done Christmas shopping! And I have a Christmas party on Sunday to go to. Woot woot. I will be home around 8 though, no worries.

I may be a little grouchy, but I am trying to stay positive.

I hope you all are having an excellent day!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

shopping done easy.

When I started this blog I thought I would come up with something interesting to say every day. I thought I would update it every day, I thought I could be one of those interesting bloggers that people love and feel connected with and want to come back and check me out, again and again.

I personally do not think that is happening. But my other goal was to focus on a topic and write about that, to make me a better writer.
And that has happened.

Now for the topic..

What to get people for Christmas when you have NO money (for those that I am buying for, you may not want to read this, because then you may know what you are getting) .

1.Do you have any pictures with the person? Well, if you do give them a picture frame (I am sure you have one around the house, or maybe even use one that you have displayed, just please dust it off first) with a picture of the two of you in it!! And then whenever you go over to their house make sure they display it, and comment on how great you like it, and how wonderful the frame is. This is a gift that will keep giving.

2.Who doesn’t love getting a letter from someone telling them how much they mean to you? so get that pen and paper out, and start writing!

3.Now ladies, we all have those clothes in our closet that still have the tags on them..you know you are not going to wear them, its been 4 months since you bought that shirt. Why not give it to a friend? *please make sure they were not with you when you purchased said item, that could look bad.

4.Make them a coupon! ‘one free hug’ or something like that ‘one free evening alone with me’ . because you know without those coupons you would so make your friends pay to hang out with you.

5.For those sex addicts out there..go to your local teen annex and get a handful of condoms and some lube. Put them in a nifty basket and you have a perfect gift basket to make sure they are having safe sex!

6.If you do not like any of my ideas, just stay in, tell people your car doesn’t work in the cold weather and avoid all life forms until the season is over.

Now, 3 positive things.
3. I am almost done Christmas shopping
2. I went to uptown yesterday
1. I have clean socks

Thursday, December 4, 2008

i think this makes me the best friend.

This is an ode to my friend. I told her to pick the topic, since she was sitting next to me, and I didn’t know what to write about.

The topic chosen (actually the next words out of her mouth)

Why do I want to work at Michael?

(I really don’t, but she does, and she is filling out an application and is in a pickle with that question)

So here goes.

Have you ever walked into the scrapbook section at Michaels and you just felt OVERWHELMED with all the choices? All of the themes you can come up with simply from that one isle? That one isle! I wish I could simply cut the pages out there, just use what I need and then once I am done with the page they can clean everything up and I will go up to the register and pay, for what they can see I took. Heh.

I also enjoy going to Michaels when I am having a bad day. The store is nice and quiet, and lets my creative side take over (if I have one) I can look at all of the displays and stand and pretend like I am deciding on aqua blue or semi-aqua blue markers, and no one will bother me. that’s right, I will be left alone. Take that annoying family members that shall not be named! I can stand in the isle for as long as I would like and simply ignore the looks from everyone walking past.

Have you ever gone into a store and decided to walk around with your Ipod on? ya know, trying to educate some of the not so lucky, on some great bands. Because we all know most of the good artists are not heard on the radio. And all of a sudden you are singing along in your head, and you see someone trying to make eye contact with you because apparently the words of the song have moved their way out of your lips? Well, at Michaels you can sing as loud as you want, and no one will say a word.

There is also the discount right? Who is going to pass that up…

Now, I am supposed to be doing three positive things in each blog, and so far I have not done that so here goes.

1. I am at the library.
2. My granny paid my debt so I can now go to school.
3. I just wrote a blog confessing how nerdy I am.