(i cant think of a title right now)

I don’t like being strong all of the time.

I am the one everyone turns to when they need someone to tell them it will be okay. I make jokes and find the one thing that makes someone feel better. I help people find themselves again, I teach them how to be happy and how to have confidence.

I am the one that downplays how serious it is when the doctor says ‘you might have cancer’.

I am always the one that says it is going to be okay, just wait a few days. I make sure to find something good in the moment.

I fix everyone’s problems.

I take the pain away that everyone else is feeling. I make sure everyone is okay and that they can sleep at night.

Sometimes it’s just too much.

I feel that if I need someone to tell me it’s going to be alright, or to stay up and make sure I fall asleep, that I am seen as weak. I make sure that I take care of how I am feeling and evaluate what I need and how I can be happy, before I tell anyone about it.

But sometimes, like tonight, I wish I didn’t have to fix everyone.

I want to just be normal. I want to be the one that gets to scream and freak out when the car is sliding on ice. I don’t want to be the one that calmly gives directions on how to stop it.

I want to be the one that does something SO IRRESPONSIBLE that people think I am the stupidest person on earth. But instead I am the one helping that person get back on solid ground.

Sometimes life is just too much for one person.

I wish I could be strong enough to be the person that needs someone to lean on.

an adventure i dont want to have again.

I got a haircut today.
It was horrible (not the haircut.. well to be honest I haven’t looked at that yet, but the experience was horrible).

I walked in to the salon and there was a lady waiting I went up to the counter and she goes ‘haircut?’ and I said yes. She said she could take me right away, and pointed to the chair I should sit in.

And then I told her what I wanted. She fought me on it.
‘are you sure you want to go that short?’
‘yea, I am sure.’
‘sure you don’t want it right here? With your hair being wavy, it will get shorter when it dries’
(WAVY HAIR?!? HELLOOO its super curly!)
I said I was sure I wanted it that short.

Then I said maybe some side bangs.. and that was another argument.

And then she starts cutting. No small talk. She looks angry. The only thing I really have to look at is the mirror. And I TRY not to catch her eyes.. but I am super bad at that.

So we kept making awkward eye contact. With her angry face, and scissors in her hand.

It took her about 15 minutes and she was done. she asked if I wanted bangs and I said ‘yea I think side bands would finish the look’

She then told me side bangs were a bit more to take care of and take more time, and asked if I was sure I wanted to deal with that.

‘no lady, I don’t want to deal with my hair at all to be honest. But since my boyfriend is against me shaving my head, I don’t really have a choice. So yes. Side bangs please’

(ok ok that’s just what I said in my head)

So I got side bangs. And I don’t know if I like them. because I am a wee scared to look in the mirror.

I don’t think I want this woman to cut my hair again.

parkshore pavilion

In late March I wanted to go on an adventure; and it seemed an adventure was in my horizon. I went downstairs and on the kitchen table there was a map, of trails around this area. I was excited and got trail mix because serious hikers eat trail mix.

I ended up getting lost, I had to call someone for directions when it came time to go home. but for the few hours I was there? I really had an amazing time, here are some of the pictures I took when I got lost and had an adventure.

I am a terrorist.

I don’t think my mother loves me, I think she just wants me to leave. And to not return.

I have a theory: my mother sees me as a terrorist

Terrorists: bring new ideas
I: bring new ideas

Terrorists: have different hobbies than those around them (unless they are surrounded by other terrorists)
I: enjoy things that neither my parents nor my siblings enjoy

Terrorists: people find them unpleasant to be around
I: am found by my mother, to be unpleasant to be around

Terrorists: are never invited to anything
I: am also excluded from things my sister and mother go to

Terrorists: are not talked to. We simply tell them how much we dislike them, and see them as wrong
I: am also not conversed with, but my mother makes sure to tell me that I cannot do anything right, and that she does not like anything I do

Terrorists: practice and practice to try and do everything perfectly, so that nothing can go wrong, but something always seems to go wrong
I: no matter how hard I try to be perfect for my mother, I seem to always get something wrong

Terrorists: we talk about their failures, we make sure to tell everyone that will listen how they screwed up
I: am talked about when I do something wrong. My mother makes her rounds on the phone to inform everyone about what I have done.

Terrorists: we find fault in everything they say
I: always say something wrong according to my mother

Terrorists: have extreme views, that are much different from our own
I: have very strong views that are much different than my mothers

Terrorists: we want them far away from us
I: am not wanted around my mother

I think the proof speaks for itself. I am a terrorist in my mothers’ life. Too bad I am not willing to go and hijack a plane just yet.

comments on comments

Max said...
Write about some thing funny, or exciting!
July 8, 2010 7:23 PM



Dear Max,
Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog. I am sorry I have not written to meet your standard of ‘funny or exciting’. If you look on the right side of the screen you can see all of my past blog posts, maybe some of those will be what you are looking for.

As it happens, right now it is summer. I am busy. And I know that is not an excuse, but to be honest, nothing ‘funny or exciting’ is really happening that is blog worthy. Thank you for the advice, and if you come up with anything that is ‘funny or exciting’ that you think I should write about, please let me know.
Thank you.
Jessica




Prateek said...
Sounds a lot like me. You should go through my blog post:
http://prateek203.tumblr.com/post/657099950/tired

We've very same thoughts, specially about being good to others...
June 29, 2010 1:14 AM


Prateek-
I HAVE stopped by your blog! and I TOTALLY agree with you! some of the things you have said I am like ‘woah that sounds like what I think, but cannot find the words to say it’. I really do enjoy your blog, and thank you for reading.

days 4-9

(I should clear up that I am writing these to Gordon, he is doing them as well, but his are not mine to post)

Day 04 → something you have to forgive someone for. (Wednesday)

I have to forgive my brother for abandoning me. I don’t think I ever will.




Day 05 → something you hope to do in your life. (Thursday)

I want to be a mom. Either adopt or have them myself, doesn’t matter to me. I know that I will be a great mother.




Day 06 → something you hope you never have to do. (Friday)

I never want to let people down. It really upsets me when I let someone down, way more than it should. I want to please everyone, and it doesn’t matter what that means for me, as long as the other person is happy.





Day 07 → someone who has made your life worth living for. (Saturday)

You. Everything feels like it makes sense and connects with you. You teach me so much about myself, EVERY DAY. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to eat healthy that way when we have kids, I won’t complain about it, and they will be healthier because of it. You make sure I know its okay if I do things for myself, and its okay if those things interfere with the time you and I have together, because you won’t get upset and you won’t make me feel bad for them. You have taught me that there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect just the way I am. Every day with your kindness, and how much love you have for me, it makes me a more confident and better person.

Day 08 → someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (Sunday)

My father.





Day 09 → someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (Monday)

I think I am the drifter. I get bored with people, and unless they put in a really big effort and make me talk to them and make me hang out with them, I drift away. I have been friends with Stacy and Kristen for such a long time because they FORCE me to hang out with them, and that is a really good thing. I can’t think of anyone that has drifted away from me that I didn’t want to let go of. But I know there are people that I drifted away from that are not happy about that.