Sunday, January 31, 2010

Beauty of the world

I don’t read the paper or watch the news. I don’t keep up with world events, or even local ones. I think it is all too sad. It breaks my heart when I hear about people killing babies. It breaks my heart when I hear about how horrible mankind is.

We do not have to be mean towards each other. We do not have to get ahead of someone else to feel better about ourselves.

I think if more people realized how happy it makes them to make someone else happy, this world would be a much better place.

I don’t understand why people enjoy breaking peoples trust so much, is it a game to them? Someone opens up and tells them their thoughts and their feelings, and then they go and maliciously tell others about them.

I just don’t understand people.

I think that is why I do so well on my own. I see the beauty in the earth; I see how amazing everything around me is. Everything is so precious and so alive.

I think we should all try and look for the beauty around us more often. I think if those that read this start, and get others to do it; we could possibly change a few people’s lives.

The world is too beautiful of a place to only focus on the bad and the negative.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

not answering the phone

I don’t want to be the call you make because it is habit. I don’t want you to call and tell me about your day because you feel that is what happens after work. I want to be in your day, and I want you to talk to me because you want to do it. Because you enjoy talking to me. Because I mean that much to you, that you have to call me every day and hear about my day.

And I don’t want to answer the phone and here you talk the entire time. I may not be a talker, but I have things to say as well. And if you care about me, and if you are calling because you care about what I have to say and not to hear yourself talk, it wouldn’t be a problem.

I deserve more respect than you are willing to give me. I DESERVE more than you are giving me. You are giving me nothing. I keep giving to you, I give you my attention, I give you someone that you can talk to, and I give you everything I can give. And you take it, selfishly.

You never give anything to me. You never make sure to tell me how beautiful I am or how much I mean to you.

I cannot have a relationship with someone when they treat me the way you have.

Awhile ago I would have thought otherwise. I would have thought that I needing these things would be me being needy, and I would have ignored the feel that tells me I need to stick up for myself.

You need to realize that I am not being dramatic or needy or bugging you. You need to realize I am being realistic. I am not going to give someone the best that I can give unless they are willing to give me the best of themselves.

And I know the best of you. I know how sweet you can be. I know that you can give me what I would like. Right now you are so lost in yourself that you cannot give me what I need.

You need to figure out that you are lucky you get my attention, it is not I who is lucky when you call me.

You need to figure out how important I am, and how amazing of a person I am.

Because right now, you haven’t figured that out; you think you are the prize, when really, I am.

Until you figure this out, I don’t think I will be picking up your calls.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

hard time writing

I am not much of a talker, I mean, I can be if you give me coffee or sugar or something of that sort; but normally I don’t talk very much. That is why I like blogging so much. I can blurt out how I am feeling and what I think and know I am safe behind the computer screen. The people that comment are nice and always positive, and that boosts my confidence immensely.

But lately I haven’t been able to express how I feel. I type stuff out, and then erase it because it doesn’t sound write. I try again, and again. I have tried from different angles. I have tried to express different feelings; but I just can’t.

The only thing that gets out is that I can’t express how I am feeling, or what is going on with me. So, I am thinking and trying to let it just come to me. Because honestly, that’s how I usually write. I think and it hits me. What is right just hits me. and I think part of why I am having so much trouble, is because right now I am just so confused with everything I thought I knew as a fact. I am trying to let it go and not hold on so tightly but that is really hard for me.

I have everything balanced perfectly in my life. I thought I did at least.

So bare with me, because I am trying to write, it just isn’t coming.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Growing up

In my eyes, my sister will always be the little girl that broke my tea set. She was the bratty kid that would never share with me, but expected me to share with her all of the time.

She will always be the little kid that would spend the night at friends houses with me, and start crying to ruin the night.

In my eyes she will always be the girl that cried in school until I went to her class and gave her a hug and held her and told her it would all be alright.

She will always be my little sister that I need to protect.

But tonight, she went to her first formal dance; and for the first time, I noticed that she is no longer a kid, she is almost an adult, someone that I go to for advice. I consider her one of my best friends.

I worked all day today, and when I came home she was waiting to put on her dress. She wanted me there when she got ready. I did her make-up and giggled and goofed off. We had fun taking pictures because my grandma wanted to feel like she was there (we even took some of Jenn putting on her deodorant!). She got dressed, with the special bra for the dress and everything. We went downstairs and took a million more pictures. We giggled and giggled, and in the van we went (with our mom) to her friend’s house to see her off and take more pictures.

I made sure she didn’t fall in her fancy shoes and watches as my grown up sister hugged and greeted her friends.

We went home, and that was that.

I am really thankful to have such an amazing relationship with my sister, and that I still get to take care of her. I cant wait until she comes home and tells me all about her night.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Mon Amour

10 things I am in love with:

1. I am completely in love with music. Listening to my IPod through headphones, feeling distant from the world, getting lost in my own. I love knowing no one else can hear what I hear. They don’t know the thoughts that are running through my head, or the songs that are creating them.
2. I love waking up in the morning to messages. Messages telling me good morning, or things that I had missed in the night.
3. I love waking up in the morning, even though I am not a morning person. The crisp air, the birds singing, knowing there is a day ahead of me with new things to discover and learn.
4. I love being naked. I love feeling comfortable enough in my skin that I can walk around my room naked and not caring if someone walks in on me. I love the feel of my sheets against my skin. The way my blanket feels when I wrap it against myself.
5. I am in love with remembering things that made me happy as a child. Going to the book store and reading ‘Where’s Waldo’ or squishing bugs. Making forts and pretending to be a pirate, I never want to be too old for those things.
6. I am in love with the lake. I am in love with how no matter how cold it is and how scared I am because it is dark out, I feel comforted by being there. The peace that washes over me by being by it.
7. I absolutely am in love with VHS tapes (especially Disney ones). Getting to get up and dance and sing along to the music that flows through the TV. The random memories of watching it when I was a child. Remembering eating cheerios or walking up to the TV during my favorite parts.
8. I am in love with not caring. Letting things not bother me. I have come to terms with the fact that some people simply will not live up to my expectation, and I will not make excuses for them. I feel a weight has been lifted since I no longer feel the need to work things out so I can care about them the way I care about people.
9. I love getting told about dreams people have had about me. How exciting it is to know they think about me enough that I am in their unconscious.
10. I am in love with the beauty of the world. I know there is more bad out there than good, but I have chosen to look at the good and the beauty. I will focus on the good, and hope to make even more of it. I have faith that the world is a beautiful place and I will find that beauty everywhere I go.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

new friends

I really love the group of friends I have collected over the past four months. I never really think I am that interesting, honestly, it surprises me how many people read this blog. When I see my stats I get all excited, and it really is great for my confidence.

I posted what I posted about my dad, and I thought about taking it down. Sometimes things are just too close to the heart. But this blog is a safe haven for me; I should not worry about what others think when I post what I am feeling or thinking. Everything I post has a lot of meaning to me. I think and figure things out, and then I type.

One of my new friends and I were talking. And I said ‘I know my father loves me, and I love him. And that is all that really matters.’ And he told me that really is all that matters; the rest is just life getting in the way. I had never thought about it that way, but it is so true.

My other friend and I were talking about it. He said it made him sad, not my intention at all, but if it made him sad, that means he cares about me, and that means more than I will ever let on. He and I were talking about how all of this horrible stuff went down, and how awful my relationship with my father is, and simply all of what is going on. How I feel about my father and how he treats me so poorly.

But then, the next day, I had to help my dad with a really silly computer issue, and I gladly helped my father and called him silly. Excepting that he was willing to be a father to me, even though that moment was short.

My friend commented on the fact that I was willing to accept that so quickly and change how I saw my father that fast, he was amazed by it. I think he said something about being strong enough to do that. I just said that I had to; I only have one father; so when the good moments come I have to snatch them up. I can’t let them get away because of the way I feel, they are so few and so far in between I have to make sure to take them all.

He said he doesn’t think he would be able to do that and it was my choice to think like that. And it showed me how strong I am. People always tell me I am strong, I get told I am a survivor all of the time, I just don’t feel that. I feel that I am just normal. But talking to him, he always (I don’t know if he means to or not) but he shows me how strong I truly am, in a way that has never been shown to me before.

I am thankful for the new people I have in my life, and am very grateful for the support system all of my friends have created for me. I know I would not be the same if it weren’t for all of them (old and new).

*off topic, that post created my first anonymous blog comment. That thrilled me to death.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Last year I had a list of resolutions, and I don’t think any of them happened. This year I didn’t have any resolutions but one, and I don’t even think that is a very good one. But, since I like having resolutions, I am going to give it a go again.

1. Wear my contacts more.
2. Read at least 12 books this year (hey, it doesn’t seem like a lot, but I tend to start a book and then not finish it).
3. Only have ice cream once a month

Oh, I also decided I am going to try to do a ‘month in review’ on here. I figure its only 12 times a year, and I should be able to manage it.

OH! And! I had over 100 blog hits last month. Yay! That makes me super happy, thank you to all that read.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Dear dad,
I am sorry I have caused you so much trouble. I am sorry I am not the daughter that you want. I am sorry I am not like Jennifer.

I wish you understood me, and did not see me as some horrible person. More, I wish I was not some horrible person that has been forced into your life.

The day I was born, you were mad, you were out ice fishing and you didn’t want to stop. You wanted mom to wait as long as she could before taking her to the hospital. So it started before I was born.

I am sorry that I cause so much tension in the house. I am sorry you are mother always argue about the way you treat me.

I am sorry I cannot be like my brother and sister. I am sorry I enjoyed reading and doing well in school, and you just did not understand that. I am quiet and thoughtful, you do not understand that either.

You have a lot of anger toward me, and I am sorry for that. I am sorry that you cannot see the amazing person that I am. That you cannot see all good things about me, instead you focus on the things you dislike, and you soak in them, and allow them to take over what you know about me.

I am sorry you do not want to have a relationship or even talk to me.

I am sorry I cannot give you what you want.

I am sorry I make your life so horrible, if I could, I would change that.

I am sorry God decided to make us father and daughter; and that you are not up to the challenge of finding out why.

I wish things were different between you and I. I wish I could call you dad without mentally cringing.

I don’t really know what I can say other than that I am sorry for being such a disappointment to you.