I don’t want this blog to turn into another blog about love, while I love reading them; I just expect this blog to be about more. I want to talk about everything here, and I know I have a lot to say about love, so I made a different blog.
I started it out because I knew I had a lot to say, I selected a different type of format for it because I love reading blogs that are like that.
And then after a while I showed Gordon. And he loved it. And we decided we should do it together. So some days he posts, and some days I post. I really love going there and reading what he wrote, and I know he loves reading what I wrote as well.
We decided not to say who did what post, that way people will never know.
I really love going there on a bad day and rereading what has been posted and knowing how much he loves me, it always helps. We try our hardest to update it every day, but sometimes life gets in the way.
So, if you haven’t checked it out already, go do so now!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
trust
Confession?
I don’t trust anyone. You may think I trust you but really, I don’t. The people that I am supposed to trust showed me that if I trust someone, they will abuse me. I learned at a young age to just keep everything to myself, because if I don’t tell anyone what is really going on with me, than no one will know. And then I can’t get hurt by someone that has betrayed my trust.
There are things I do, that make it so people believe I trust them. I tell people small details about my life. I learned that if I tell my mom small things, she thinks I am telling her things, and that I trust her. So, instead of telling her about getting harassed by some boy in school, I would just tell her that I dropped my pencil in math class and had to pick it up. If I tell her a mundane story, she also believes that nothing really exciting happened. I learned that works for all people.
I let people believe I trust them, because people need that. People need to feel needed.
I am really good at psychology. I am really talented at getting inside someones heads. Figuring out what they need to be happy. And 90% of the time, I can either point them in that direction or give them what will make them happy.
When you let someone in, and decide that you want them to be in your life in a major way, I am learning these tricks don’t work. I am learning that they can see right through the not trusting. They can see right through the giving small details thing. And what would really make them happy is me actually trusting them. Not trying to trick them into believing I trust them.
It’s hard. There is so much that comes along with trusting someone. You give up control; you give yourself to that person.
And right now, I am terrified that I will never be able to trust someone that much. And I am trying so hard right now to do that, but, there is like, a wall that is holding me back. I want to be able to trust him, and I know I can. But when I go to do it, I see a wall with everything that has happened to me in the past.
I need to find a way to stop bringing up the past, to stop thinking about it and hiding behind it. Because I know, I can trust him.
I just have to trust myself enough to give him that trust.
I don’t trust anyone. You may think I trust you but really, I don’t. The people that I am supposed to trust showed me that if I trust someone, they will abuse me. I learned at a young age to just keep everything to myself, because if I don’t tell anyone what is really going on with me, than no one will know. And then I can’t get hurt by someone that has betrayed my trust.
There are things I do, that make it so people believe I trust them. I tell people small details about my life. I learned that if I tell my mom small things, she thinks I am telling her things, and that I trust her. So, instead of telling her about getting harassed by some boy in school, I would just tell her that I dropped my pencil in math class and had to pick it up. If I tell her a mundane story, she also believes that nothing really exciting happened. I learned that works for all people.
I let people believe I trust them, because people need that. People need to feel needed.
I am really good at psychology. I am really talented at getting inside someones heads. Figuring out what they need to be happy. And 90% of the time, I can either point them in that direction or give them what will make them happy.
When you let someone in, and decide that you want them to be in your life in a major way, I am learning these tricks don’t work. I am learning that they can see right through the not trusting. They can see right through the giving small details thing. And what would really make them happy is me actually trusting them. Not trying to trick them into believing I trust them.
It’s hard. There is so much that comes along with trusting someone. You give up control; you give yourself to that person.
And right now, I am terrified that I will never be able to trust someone that much. And I am trying so hard right now to do that, but, there is like, a wall that is holding me back. I want to be able to trust him, and I know I can. But when I go to do it, I see a wall with everything that has happened to me in the past.
I need to find a way to stop bringing up the past, to stop thinking about it and hiding behind it. Because I know, I can trust him.
I just have to trust myself enough to give him that trust.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Yuck
If you have a penis, I would suggest not reading this post.
When I was entering womanhood, and got my period for the first time, it was no big deal. Yes, it was annoying and I hated it and was paranoid about other people noticing. But I went and ran around with my friends until dinner time, and after did homework and everything was normal.
Then as I grew older, the stomach pains began to get worse. So sometimes I would have to stay home, because there was no way I was gallivanting around the neighborhood when I cant move.
And then I got my drivers license and found ice cream fixes everything, especially when my insides are yelling at me to come out.
And then the next year or so I started getting headaches, and getting tired more often and needing AT LEAST 100 hours of sleep a night.
And now, I am finding when it is time for my body to hate me, my nipples are sensitive, and my body aches ALL OVER. What the hell is with this? I have to force myself to move and to get up and go for a walk and leave the house.
This is horrible. I am worried about what it will be like when I am in my 30’s.
When I was entering womanhood, and got my period for the first time, it was no big deal. Yes, it was annoying and I hated it and was paranoid about other people noticing. But I went and ran around with my friends until dinner time, and after did homework and everything was normal.
Then as I grew older, the stomach pains began to get worse. So sometimes I would have to stay home, because there was no way I was gallivanting around the neighborhood when I cant move.
And then I got my drivers license and found ice cream fixes everything, especially when my insides are yelling at me to come out.
And then the next year or so I started getting headaches, and getting tired more often and needing AT LEAST 100 hours of sleep a night.
And now, I am finding when it is time for my body to hate me, my nipples are sensitive, and my body aches ALL OVER. What the hell is with this? I have to force myself to move and to get up and go for a walk and leave the house.
This is horrible. I am worried about what it will be like when I am in my 30’s.
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