trust

Confession?

I don’t trust anyone. You may think I trust you but really, I don’t. The people that I am supposed to trust showed me that if I trust someone, they will abuse me. I learned at a young age to just keep everything to myself, because if I don’t tell anyone what is really going on with me, than no one will know. And then I can’t get hurt by someone that has betrayed my trust.

There are things I do, that make it so people believe I trust them. I tell people small details about my life. I learned that if I tell my mom small things, she thinks I am telling her things, and that I trust her. So, instead of telling her about getting harassed by some boy in school, I would just tell her that I dropped my pencil in math class and had to pick it up. If I tell her a mundane story, she also believes that nothing really exciting happened. I learned that works for all people.

I let people believe I trust them, because people need that. People need to feel needed.

I am really good at psychology. I am really talented at getting inside someones heads. Figuring out what they need to be happy. And 90% of the time, I can either point them in that direction or give them what will make them happy.

When you let someone in, and decide that you want them to be in your life in a major way, I am learning these tricks don’t work. I am learning that they can see right through the not trusting. They can see right through the giving small details thing. And what would really make them happy is me actually trusting them. Not trying to trick them into believing I trust them.

It’s hard. There is so much that comes along with trusting someone. You give up control; you give yourself to that person.

And right now, I am terrified that I will never be able to trust someone that much. And I am trying so hard right now to do that, but, there is like, a wall that is holding me back. I want to be able to trust him, and I know I can. But when I go to do it, I see a wall with everything that has happened to me in the past.

I need to find a way to stop bringing up the past, to stop thinking about it and hiding behind it. Because I know, I can trust him.

I just have to trust myself enough to give him that trust.