loneliness

Last night I was talking to a friend, and he was telling me how he is sick of girls wanting him for attention. That is all they do is fight for his attention, and he is getting sick of it. He is that guy, the guy that walks in a room and every girls head turns and they then think of a plan to get as close as possible and show these other girls they are boss, and are getting this incredible guy. They tease him, and do all the things a girl does and then they leave him. Because that is all they really wanted, was to show that they could get his attention.

And this made his very sad.

And this made me sad as well, because there was nothing I could do to help him. And I hate that feeling.

He is one of those guys that ‘needs space’ when they deal with stuff like this, and so I have to just leave him alone while he figures this out.

I like helping people. I like cheering people up, that is what I like to do. I like fixing people’s problems. The reason that I am so well liked and people go to me so much is because I am so good at making them feel better, it is sort of my thing. Those that are around me know I am going to brighten up their day. If I mean to or not.

And I couldn’t cheer him up. He was all broody and in a state of thoughtfulness and he wouldn’t really talk it out with me, because that is just the kind of guy he is.

I hope he figures it out. And decides not to let people use him. Because he is a great guy and I enjoy every time I get to talk to him, and I don’t like seeing him sad and broody.

I don’t understand women. I don’t understand getting a guy that you are not at all interested in, just so you can show him off for the night. I don’t understand the need to use men like that. If I am talking to someone, and giving them MY time and MY attention, it means I like them, that I find them interesting. it has nothing to do with beating the other girls in the room.

Women are just so shallow.

It makes me sad.

I wish I could teach them how to love themselves and that in order to be happy, they do not need to be on the arm of some guy.

Anyway… I digress

well, here goes

When I was in 10th grade I was diagnosed with depression, meaning the chemicals in the brain are not balanced correctly and cause me to be sad, have no motivation, become socially withdrawn, get bad grades, and a bunch of other things.

When we went to the doctor he prescribed the lowest dose of antidepressants, and told me to take half a pill a day. These pills made it so I couldn’t feel anything. I hated it, so I stopped taking them. Somehow I got better, and went on my way.

When we went to the doctor, he informed me it will more than likely come and go throughout my life. Well, it is back.

I am trying my hardest to sort of ignore it and hope it goes away, but that is really not working. I have known for some time now, but it is now getting to the point that it is getting hard to go out at all and be social.

I am having a hard time finding the motivation to study for class, or work on my cupcake site (thus it is still not up and running).

I am trying my hardest to go out, and do something productive each day, it is just hard.

(Crap starting to cry)

Last time, back in 10th grade no one noticed the differences. But this time around, people already have. I know that I have a lot of support from many different people. And I know I will get through this, it will just take time.

Doing all the silly little things I do, is my way of making sure I am happy. So when I make dinosaur noises, or color in a coloring book, that is my way of being happy.

And I am trying really hard to be happy.

Blogging helps a lot, because it allows me to express how I am feeling. It also helps that I have such an amazing support system of friends.

So thank you to all that have noticed. There is no need to worry, but I do appreciate you noticing and making time for me. Even if I am sort of a burden right now.

Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen through my eyes.

Guys, I am going to tell you right here, right now why girls are in love with him.

Straight up, girls are selfish. We want to be the first thing you think about when you wake up, the only one you are thinking about while wanking off, the last thing you think about before you go to sleep; and if that is not enough we also want to be the center of your dreams.

We want attention; we want to be texted just because a song reminded you of us. We want to be on your mind all the time, and when you are buying shampoo we want to be called because you want to mix things up and try a new one, and you want our opinion.

We want to come first, before you. We want you to think about our well being, that is why we sometimes do stupid/crazy things. When we come up with the idea to make out in the rain, we want you to be willing to do it because it’s what we want, and after there will be much needed cuddling to warm up. We also do it to push you, to see how far you are willing to go for us.

We want to feel protected. If a guy looks at us the wrong way we may not say anything, but we want you to wrap your arm around us tighter. If a guy grabs our asses we want you to yell at him and tell him to back up. If we are scared, we want you to laugh at us and tell us how silly we are being. Even though we can tell in your voice you are thinking of the fastest way you can get to us.

We tell you what we are doing, and why we are doing it because we want you to care. We want you to know everything because in case of an emergency you can be there for us.

We are really simple (kinda, sorta, not really) we want you to be there for us at all times. We want to come first, and we want to be your number one priority.

To summarize: we like our boys whipped.

I just told you what Edward Cullen is to Bella Swan.

People refer to it as stalking, but it really is not. He CARES about Bella so much; he has to make sure she is safe at all times. He will do anything to protect her. He cannot see his life without her. Yes, he is obsessed with her, but that is why we love him so much. We want our guy to be like that.

So if you wish to hate on Edward Cullen, all of us ladies know it is simply because you are jealous of him.

pass me the bottle

Sometimes I wish I was a drinker. That way when everything gets tough and hard to deal with, I can just drown my sorrows in a bottle of whatever I feel like having.

After this semester I don’t think I will be going back to school. I just do not feel like it is the right place for me at this moment. I will do the full time job thing, and then once I figure some stuff out I will go back. Because I want a degree and I want to better myself, but I just feel like right now is not the time for school. I have always been in school (sort of) and I just feel like I want to explore other things right now and go back to that.

I wish I could bottle my love and give it away like that, I have so much of it, I just don’t know what to do with it all. I feel like if I don’t do anything with it I will waste it. So, I just make sure to treat my friends well and give them as much as they will accept without it scaring them.

I have to update my blog roll thingy, a lot of those blogs don’t exist anymore, and one or two I don’t read. And there are tons I read that are not up there yet.

I think with my age and what I feel and how I am doing things, I am on track pretty well. Even if I get told I have an old soul.

It is okay that I don’t know what I want to do ahead of time for more than two hours, right?