Thursday, March 26, 2009


I have been taking a lot of pictures lately and thought i would share some with you. they are super random, but i like them all. i was going to also put some up of my vacation but it took long enough to get these formatted and worked the way i enjoy.

This is me showing off my smarts. If you click to enlarge you can see why it only has *46* states

This is Betty, she comes every morning and sits outside of my window. She is super big, can't wait to watch her grow and throw rocks at her for waking me up too early. I like opening my window and whistling at her; this morning after the 'cat-call' she flew away, guess shes not that kind of girl...

Charlie!!! he is rocking a California look right there, showing off some chest hair. If you look close you can even see his boxers...showing off for the ladies .

this is my dear sister...God bless her..she sure is challenged..

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


My sister and I are driving around and everything is going fine. The rain keeps pouring down making it a little hard to see, but thank goodness for windshield wipers. Due to the road conditions no one is going the speed limit, but I am OK with that.

I find it interesting that in Minnesota we can drive in blizzards and be cool with everything but as soon as it rains we don’t know how to react…

Up ahead there is a stop light; it just turned red so the cars are starting to slow down. I can see the red brake lights getting closer and closer.

I start pushing my foot on the break, nothing is happening.

Wet roads, cars are getting closer and closer to us.

My foot has no affect..

My life is now flashing before my eyes.

I am praying that my family will not morn my death, that they will move on.

And then something magical happens.

We start to stop.

That’s when I remember…

My sister is driving.

Monday, March 23, 2009

short story

once upon a time there was a girl that had a car with a sunroof. her car was making weird noises and when her father looked at it he said to only drive it to work and back, until he fixed it.

so the girl had not been anywhere since Saturday. she lives in a state that has been raining for two days. today she looked out the front door and saw her sunroof was open.

it had been open since Saturday.

she ran outside and closed the sunroof but it was too late, the inside is already soaking wet.

the end.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


We have a fake spider in my house; it is about the size of a fifty cent piece, and black. We have had it for about a year now; and for some reason it just won’t go away. I find it in different places all the time.

Sometimes it is in-between dish clothes in the draw; sometimes it moves so that it is under the sink by the dog treats; other times it is on the floor next to the fridge.

Every time it moves it seems to found it with a shock to my heart and a jump backwards, often followed by laughter from the other room.

Now, I am not afraid of spiders. I do not know why this one makes me jump.

This weekend my mother and sister are out of town. That means it is my father, brother and myself. This damn spider is showing up everywhere.

My father found it on his coffee pot, and then it was on my sandwich. I did a quick jump back, trying to act like I stepped on something and it was not the damn spiders fault for my reaction. I then took the spider off my sandwich and set it on the counter. Then went and made sure my dad knew how I reacted. We chit chatted for a couple minutes and then I went back to get my sandwich. I then jumped at the spider that was right next to my plate. No joke.

About an hour later I was sitting on the floor with my dog and out of the corner of my eye I saw a large black thing. I made sure not to react this time and pretend I didn’t notice it, I am done jumping from this plastic spider. I turned and was petting my dog and out of the corner of my eye I see the damn thing crawling towards me.

This one was real. I jumped up and screamed (don’t know why. I am not afraid of spiders normally); I then asked my dad to squish it. Through his laughter he handed me some socks (sorry mom) and I smooshed the thing.

Now I have gotten rid of one of them, not I just have to find a way for the plastic one to ‘get lost’.

Had a blast of vaca!!! I have a couple stories to tell from it, just wanted to get this one out while I remembered.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

on vaca

Hi everyone! I am typing this out Saturday morning, still on vacation (left Saturday).

As of now (Wednesday) I will be:
Freaking out about no computer
Super horny
Wondering about all of you and wondering what I am missing
Thinking about how I will be missing HNT, my favorite day of the week
Thinking about the newbie and missing him tons
Laughing at Stacy’s fear of the bears at night
(I plan on tricking her again saying I felt a mouse)
Stacy and I most likely are arguing like crazy
Stacy will be hogging the ENTIRE bed!!
I will be thinking about the newbie
I will be walking around outside
Trying to tame the wild cats (I am awesome at it)
I will be thinking about the newbie
I will be freaking out at how many twitters I am missing
I will be playing tetris in my sleep
I will be really missing the newbie.

Hope you are all having fun! I know I am! I love vacation!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

socks. stay far away!

Can I be honest with you? I am falling for the newbie.
And I am scared about that.

So. I hate socks; actually let’s get a little deeper.

I hate feet.

I think all feet are ugly, yes even yours. And don’t even try to say ‘well look at your feet’ because I am the first to admit that my feet are ugly.

Sorry, it’s just the truth. And if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

M y hatred for socks goes a long way, ever since I was a child. I wear then as little as possible. Even in the winter I will wear some stilettos when its -20 degrees outside and my feet will freeze but, it is much better to not feel my feet then to wear socks.

Why do I hate socks? I think they are disgusting. Your feet sweat. DON’T EVEN TELL ME THEY DON’T!! Feet sweat; end of story. And if you are wearing socks the sweat just goes in those socks, the socks soak it up and then your feet are sitting in the sweat. And then a couple hours later, your feet sweat again and your socks soak it up again.

So in actuality when wearing socks you are surrounded by sweat.

So don’t tell me socks aren’t gross. And don’t ask me to pick up your dirty socks; because more than likely I will treat them like the plague.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

breaking hearts.

Dear Adam,
I know you are busy and I feel awful for doing this, but I know you do not like confrontation and I can only take so much of your passiveness.
We used to have a great relationship, you respected me tremendously, and I felt as if you would always be there for me. you would do anything to make me happy, you would do anything I asked of you. I have cried over you so much, I have cried over the situation and the lack of communication from you.
You do not tell me anything, I know nothing about what is going on in your life right now. As your girlfriend I deserve to know. When you are busy that is all it will take is a simple message telling me that, telling me when you will be available to talk, but you will not give that to me.
I feel as if you are stinging me along on your ride. You do not want to lose me, but you do not want me there either.
Actions speak louder than words. Your actions are breaking my heart. I love you, I really do. If you asked me I would drive down to see you, all 10 hours just to be with you for a couple minutes. I would do anything you ask of me. but I do not think you would do the same for me.
I feel as if you are not in this relationship as much as I am. I think that I have to give you the freedom that you already have. I have to stop holding on to you. I have to let you go. I have to be strong for both of us and finally say what we both know was coming.
I love you. you are the first guy that I have ever felt safe with. you are the first guy I have ever wanted (and still want) to have inside of me. you are the first guy I have ever felt secure enough to show my body to (even if it was not all of it). being with you was a great thing for me. you are a great person and I will never stop loving you.
Right now, writing this out I am surprised by the tears that keep flowing down and the pain that I feel. But I believe I am doing what is best for you. I have taken myself out of the equation and am solving the problem.
You have been avoiding me, you can say that you are busy but we both know if you wanted you would make time for me. we both know you want freedom and you do not like being tied down. I tied you down. We both know that we care about one another. I am trying to do what is best for you, even if that means I am in so much pain.
I am so sorry. But I think you want me to let you go. I think that you have wanted that for some time now, you just wouldn’t say it.
I will always be here for you. and if you change your mind and decide that you want me, I will take you back in a heartbeat.
I still believe that we really do complete each other. we really do balance each other out.
And you are my best friend.
I just feel you want me to let you go, so now I have.
I would really appreciate a long message from you explaining everything from your point of view, some insight as to how you feel, but I do not think you will give me that.

I am sorry.
I will always love you.

Always yours

Friday, March 6, 2009

all better :)

Doing homework right now, feeling very motivated.

I went and visited the bestie that made everything better.
There is nothing I can do about my brother or my sister, so I just have to let that be and let go of it.
The BF is a person and I cannot control him, no matter how much I want to. I am a strong person and he cannot bring be down. He is one MAN, I am so much better. I know if we break up we will still be friends (once the heartbreak is over) and he will be a positive influence in my life. So, I simply have let go. I love him and will always love him, him being my first serious relationship and all, ya know.
I am smiling and I know I am not depressed, I am rather happy. My mother does not understand how much time school takes up, and that is OK. She has the right to believe whatever she wants, and I cannot change that. I know that I am happy and I know why I do things, therefore I have to let go of the negativity that her talking to me brought.

Wewh. See? I have worked it all out. I can only control me, and I know that I am a great person. So I have to let it all go. And that is what I have done.

So I will continue with school and everything, and I will make an effort to hang out with my family more (I guess that is what I will be changing).

I have kind of gone off track with my New Year resolutions due to laziness. Oops.

Hope everyone is having as great of a day as I am!

Oh! And thank you to everyone that has been commenting. I read your guys’ blogs, but I have a hard time coming up with something to say as a comment and I don’t want to nerd out and say something like ‘oh I love you! Just wanted you to know I read what you wrote’. But yea, I love the comments and I love knowing people ARE reading my blog. Makes me feel better knowing there are people that have gone through harder stuff then me and they have survived, so I know I can.

*this is the most random blog I have written I think. Just didn’t like all that negativity from yesterday.

*confession? I think praying helped me figure this all out. Thank you God!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

long one.

I always thought people that were in relationships were sort of weak. Why the hell would you need someone that you can’t part with? Why in the world would you depend on someone emotionally? It took me a long time to believe in love, I thought it was just propaganda. The government getting people to feel a certain way, to try and get people to think they needed love so that is what they focus on, and that leaves the government open to do what they want. But I was wrong, oh so wrong.
The boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months. I love him with all my heart; I would do anything for him. I lean on him for emotional support. He is one of those guys that don’t really share their feelings, but I like to think I can read him rather well. I know what he is going to say most of the time before he says it, and I understand him.
But something crazy? He understands me! I thought that was not possible. And then a couple weeks ago we were talking and he said stuff about me that I was like ‘whoa how do you know that?’ and it’s just because he knows me better than I know myself at times. I have grown emotionally dependent on him. He is my sunshine, my face lights up when I talk to him.

He has been avoiding/ignoring me for 2 weeks now. No reason why. We were talking and then all of a sudden nothing. And I told him I could tell something was going on; he asked me what that was. I said I didn’t know he should tell me. Since then we haven’t had any conversation. I do not know what he wants. I told him I would simply stop contacting him but until he tells me otherwise I am still his. I hope he can’t ignore me forever.
I have been keeping busy with schoolwork and going to bed early so I can keep my mind occupied, but it’s hard. We usually talk around 2:30 when he gets off of work, and so I automatically make sure I am free then. And then I don’t talk to him, and I get sad. But then I have to remind myself to stay strong and he cares about me. He just needs some space right now, or maybe he needs to figure out a way to tell me what it is he wants to tell me. I have no idea.
I haven’t really talked to my friends about this, except for my online friends (KO and Bludbath) because the best friend doesn’t like talking about the boyfriend, and whenever I bring up the boyfriend to the bestie she tells me I talk about him too much. So I have been pretty much alone.
Last night I was going to bed, it was like 11pm (yea way too early). And I had my iPod on shuffle and it was going to turn off in an hour and I was almost asleep. And then I was jolted awake by ‘stupid boy’ by Keith Urban. The Boyfriend is being a stupid boy. I deserve more than he is giving me. I started crying, I am talking sobs where your entire body moves, it was bad. So I of course got up, turned off the iPod and grabbed my computer. I knew there would be no message from boyfriend; he had been sleeping for hours. But I thought maybe someone would be on to talk to, there was no one. So I played some games, read some blogs, and went to bed.
This emotional stuff is physically exhausting. I refuse to break up with boyfriend because I want him. And if he wants to break up with me he can do it. I refuse to give him what he wants and allow him to not do the hard part.
I really miss him, I can’t even explain it. I go from being good and strong to thinking about something about him and crying. If he is going to break my heart I wish he would stop taking the band aid off slowly and just rip it off, I have always been that kind of girl.
I just want him to tell me what is going on so I know. I need him, and I hate that.

As I was writing things all out my mother came in to my room and accused me of being depressed. Apparently I spend too much time alone in my bedroom and I am not smiling as much anymore. I told her what she wanted me to change then since she ‘has her concerns’ she told me nothing, just forget she came in here. I do not spend much time with my family because they argue and yell a lot; really that’s about all that they do. My mom said that I am having trouble doing things out in society, since I do not work as much (they cut my hours, if it were up to me I would be working A LOT more), and I am taking online classes (a completely different reason for that as well, and it is only for this semester). She says I do not hang out with my friends, THEY DO NOT INVITE ME ANYMORE, and I have no money to go out. So if they invite me it has to be to hang out at someone’s house, and then I go. My mother told me if I am not happy maybe it’s time for me to move on. um..So you are kicking me out? ‘no I am just saying maybe you need to move on in order for you to be happy’ WTF ‘so you are giving me the same option as my pot head alcoholic brother?’ ‘No I didn’t say anything like that, I just want you to be happy’ so what do you want from me? ‘Nothing just pretends I never came up here.’ Yea so now I have to make an effort to go and get harassed by my father and mother and sister all at the same time. OH! And she told me since it has been two days since Twix’s passing I must be depressed because I haven’t done anything with his cage.’s been two days. Couldn’t you give me a break? Like seriously mom?

My parents gave my brother until April first to move out. He is trying to change, he really is. It’s like they are simply scared of change and since they only know him as the son always on drugs they do not accept it. I have to let my brother go, I think that he moving out will be what is best for him. He will have to be accountable for him actions and fix his problems. Something my parents have always done for him (btw, another issue I have always taken care of myself, I have never really spent much time with my family, they are not like me. so why in the world all of a sudden am I supposed to conform to be like them?)

My sister is on birth control, she is 16. I am the one that took her to get it because I care about her. Although others tell me that if I care about her I would not take her, she would have to figure it out on her own. Apparently my sister doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore (this is what my mom said) because I confronted her about being able to hear her bed moving in the kitchen and my room. I guess I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that. Btw, her bedroom door is shut when her BF is over, that is a big no-no in preventing teen pregnancy, but apparently my parents don’t

So to sum it up here is what I have going right now.
1. BF is ignoring me.
2. Mom thinks I am depressed because I am not smiling enough
3. Brother is kicked out
4. Sister is not talking to me.
Yet! It rocks to be me right now!

Sad thing? All I have been doing is school stuff and working for the past couple of weeks. Apparently being poor means I am depressed. Go me!

Monday, March 2, 2009


Dedication to

I get home from work, say hi to my brother and father who are downstairs, and go up to my room.

I then get an IM from my brother.

Bro: JESS!!!!!
Me: yea?
Bro: twix died.
(I am shocked I don’t really know what to say, twix is my guinea pig, about 5 years old)
Me: what?
Bro: yea mom put him in the garage.

I begin to cry. I am bawling and I go into my sisters room to get the phone, still crying.

Sister: whats wrong?
Me: twix died.
Sister: oh yea I know.
(she then turns to watch the TV)

I call the bestie, thinking she will cry with me. she will be as upset as me.

Me: (BAWLING) twix d-d-died.
Bestie: what?
Me: twix d-d-died.
Bestie: oh. Well that’s sad.