Saturday, September 12, 2009

My family is CRAZY!

I think twelve days is long enough to make you wait for an update about what is going on.

My family is crazy and I need to get away. As soon as possible.

They are pretending my dad never said any of that stuff, acted in that way. My brother, mom and I were talking and my brother asked her if my father was serious about what he said. She said she doesn’t know, but she has to take care of herself and Jennifer. So, as of now, no one knows if my father is going to leave or not. All we know is that he is acting as if it never happened. He has also decided that after the winter (remember I live in Minnesota, they are pretty horrible here) he will go back to trucking. CRAZY. This drama and stress is not good for anyone. I have decided that I need to really look out for what is best for me (go me!) and move out as soon as possible to escape the drama and stress of this family. I know moving out will be stressful and VERY challenging, but it is what is best for me.

I think I will get another part time job. So that way I will be working about 45ish hours a week and I should be able to afford to move out. I have gone on an interview, and I really hope I got the job.That will give me enough flexibility to continue with school part time. It may take longer to finish school, but that is okay.

My mom and sister seem to be fine; they have also decided to pretend none of the D stuff happened.

Do you guys remember Adam? He and I talk every day. And it’s a complicated relationship dynamic, he wants me and I want him but he can’t be in a relationship. He thinks he can’t give me what I need or what I deserve. So he won’t allow us to be in a relationship together. If I had it my way I would be in Michigan with him right now. But that is okay. I think over time I will be able to convince him that I know what I want, and that is him.

I don’t really talk to any of the other guys. That phase of me going from guy to guy was horrible, and I believe that was me on the rebound and looking for someone to replace Adam ASAP. I know no one will ever be able to do that though.

Adam also understands me in a way that no one else ever has. Whenever something happens I know that he will make me feel better. I know he will lift my spirits and when him and I talk for those couple of hours at least, he will make me feel like the most amazing person in the world and I will forget everything that is going on.

I hope he hurries in trying to do what is best for me, and just allows me to get what I want.

If it were not for Adam, I don’t think I would be as strong as I am.

P.S thank you Sage for linking me, it really meant a lot. And for those that commented with advice and letting me know my family is in your thoughts and prays, that really means a lot. I love the blogger community and how we (well mostly you guys) are there for everyone, even strangers. It really means a lot. Thank you.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

More info

I cannot think about what is going on. I think about it enough to analyze the situation, figure out a plan. And that is all. If I allow myself to get emotional I know I will break down. My father is ruining everything. He ruined me a long time ago. I have already accepted that and at twenty am fixing myself.

Part of who I am, what I am about, and what God wants of me is to fix people; to heal their pain when I can. But I know I cannot help my mother in any way. I can’t get rid of that feeling that the man she has been with since she was 16, is leaving. He doesn’t care anymore, and is ruining his family. He is tearing them apart, and I hate that I have no control over what is happening.

My sister, his favorite, the one that loves him more than anything, told me that when he leaves, if he does it, she will have nothing to do with him. She hates what he is doing. The way he is abandoning our mother and making her feels so horrible. Her father is destroying everything that she knows.

I don’t know if it’s better being older or younger in the case of a divorce. Since we are older, we know what is going on and know how to handle it better. We are capable of grasping the situation and helping out in whatever little way we can. If we were younger we would just think my dad left, my mom cried for days and days and things got harder. We wouldn’t be able to grasp how hurtful his actions are, we wouldn’t be able to understand that my father is being completely selfish and not caring about his wife and children.

I have a theory; I think he is going through a midlife crisis. He is sick of supporting a family and sees freedom as leaving all of that. It makes sense; I just hope he knows when he decides he wants his family back, we won’t be there.

He doesn’t care the affect he will have on my sister. He is showing her how undependable men are. She will see him as her example and may have trust and/or commitment issues. She trusts him more than any other male, and he is destroying everything she knows. I think my sister in the long run will be affected the most out of everyone.

My mother is a strong woman. But her heart is broken. She feels as if her walls are crashing in. my father is destroying everything she has built. Everything she has worked for, he is taking a sledge hammer and destroying it.

My father also refuses to give my mom any money. He is still living with us, but he says he needs to save ‘his’ money so he can move out. He won’t give her money for bills, groceries, gas, my sister, etc. he doesn’t care what she has to do.
My mom is looking for an apartment, and I am looking for a full time job. I think it would be easier on my mom if she just had my sister and her to take care of. And Stacy and I will simply have to move u our schedule of when we move out, I hope it all works out.

I have no respect for my father. I can’t even look at him. He is acting as if nothing has happened. He is acting as if he is not destroying everything. If you make too much noise though, or do something he doesn’t like, he gets aggressive. He has set up a rule; the internet is only connected when he wants to use it (or is gone). And we no longer have cable.

I have been staying away from home, going to the library all day, going over to Stacy’s, simply not being home.

That means I can’t talk to me mom right now, but I think that is okay. I think she wants space anyway; I know if I were in her shoes I would want space.

My mom hasn’t told any of the relatives. My sister and I are giving her until this weekend to tell my grandma, after that we will tell her. We know it’s not our place to tell, but my mom needs her mom.

I know if I am in the same room as my father and he tells me something, I will go off on him, I won’t be able to just sit there and take it. I just don’t work that way. That is another reason why I have stayed away.

I am looking at it with the mentality that it WILL work itself out. I will find a full time job and still be able to find a way to go to school. Stacy and I will find an apartment, my mom will find an apartment and we will all be fine.

The part that hurts me the most is not being able to take away their hurt, but I know that it will be okay someday.

So there it is, that is what is going on, I am sure I will be posting a lot about it. And I think that is pretty understandable. As you can tell, I am holding up a guard as to my emotions about it. I think if I let that down I will break down.