YAY!!!

Guess who is going to be with me on new years?!

LUCAS!!!!

My favorite little person, EVER!!

he is coming tomorrow and will be with us for a week. no joke, this is how it went down.


-ring ring-

brother: 'ello
Lucas' mom: do you want Lucas for a week?
B: of course, why?
LM: i will be there tomorrow afternoon, we will drop him off at your house with everything he needs, you need to pick up food and diapers and wipes though, and we will leave him there for the week we are in town, got that?
B: HELL YES!!


so we went out, got food (another story for a different blog, maybe tomorrow?) and now just have to wait for him to come!!

3 positive things
1. i am an aunt.
2. Lucas is coming.
3. Lucas will be HERE tomorrow at this time.

lost and found

Everyone around here knows how um…often I misplace items. It is not very uncommon for me to ask where my ID is, or if anyone has seen my car key, people expect me to look for something before I leave the house.

When I was in high school in order to stop this trend, I decided to carry a purse. I would just throw everything that I needed in this handy dandy contraption and not worry about finding it, until I had to dig in the bottomless hole to find a pen, or a piece of paper. and I will admit, it did help out a bit; I knew everything was in one place, and I didn’t have to worry about taking it out of my pants pocket or having it fall out of whatever I had placed it in.

Then I started to just lose the entire purse. I would set it somewhere so that I knew where it was, and make sure to leave it there until I needed it, well then I would forget where THERE was. I would have to search the house the this damn bag before I could go anywhere, do anything. And if someone moved it? Oh God, the world would stop moving until I found it.

I would forget it in dressing rooms, and at tables in restaurants. Any place I had to set this bag down, I would forget it. I forgot it in classrooms almost on a daily base.

So I stopped caring a purse. I consolidated what I carried around to a more simpler list: drivers license, school ID, debit card. And that is all. No need to carry around my iPod and camera and tide to go stick, I didn’t carry around cards and lists and a mini book in case I was bored. No more gum wrappers or reciets that I would only look at to throw in the trash.

Much much more simpler, and now I do not even have to take time every once in a while to clean out The Hole. Or worry about leaving it some place.

Now, I know I am back to what I originally had, but it works out. See it is winter so I keep it in my jacket pocket and don’t worry about it. My aunt gave me a handy dandy credit card holder so I just shove everything in there. In the summer I will have to make sure to come up with some sort of system so that I do not spend time looking for my most plastic.

3 positive things!
1.BOOK CLUB!!
2. I wrote out a to-do list and have one more thing to do on it
3. ice skating tomorrow!

not knowing

The boyfriend and I are going through some troubled times, I do not know if he wants me anymore. My heart is breaking with every second I do not hear from him. with every second that I do not know what he wants.

I know what I want.

I want his arms around me, the safety of knowing he is there for me (oh god I am starting to cry).

I got out of the house, made sure to get away from the computer so I could get my mind off of him, it did not work too well.

I went to barns and noble and headed to the teen section, and of course they are all about the perfect boy and finding him and heartbreak. Like the story was written for me. I had to leave before I started crying.

I am a strong person, I am not a crier, so why can I not stop these tears? I mean he hasn’t even broken up with me yet. And he may not.

He may just need some space.

I just don’t know, and the not knowing is what hurts so bad.

fear

I fear The End is near...

cant sleep...

it is 4am..not much going on...

just cant sleep..

i just want to know...

i just want to know.

masturbation/ alone

I feel alone.
There is no one out there that understand me completely.
There is no one out there that has the same problems as me, the same issues.
There is no one out there that thinks like me.
There is no one out there that has the same past as me.
No one that has the family I have
Has learned the lessons I have learned.
We are all alone in this world.
That is a scary thought.
Maybe that is why I cant sleep


Does anyone else wonder if God masturbates? Seriously. Does he watch girls in the shower and jerk it? Think about it, he is the one that made it so that people could masturbate, and I am sure he is a sexual beast just like the rest of us. He is always ‘watching over us’ so why not get some enjoyment out of it? Instead of simply listening to us bitch and moan our way through life he could get some enjoyment. While some lonely chick *cough cough* cries in the shower he could rub one out. Anyway…



3 positive things!

1.The car I hit yesterday on the way to work had no damage
2.I don’t have to work today
3.The AAR’s CD comes out today.

sleep

i find it hard to sleep.

i know i am not the only one.

i will crawl into my bed now, get comfortable, and lay there for an eternity.

and then eventually my eyes will close and i will relax into a state of bliss.

and then in what seem like minutes, i will be woken up to the family wandering around the house.


insomnia.

Baby.

**this is a personal topic that I have not talked about at all before. Just something that ya know, I FEEL. And since this is my blog I get to decide what to write about. Lucky you.
***also, this may make me sound like a crazy person. Please take this as your warning.

I have never been one of those crazy ladies that likes babies, that coos whenever there is a young one in the room. I have never felt the urge to hold every child that was willing to sit still in my arms. I have never felt that, just not my cup of tea. I felt no need to have children, I am fine without them. Why does everyone see the need to populate the world with little minions of themselves out there? Again, no thank you ma’am.

And then Lucas was born. Lucas is my nephew. The best nephew ever, yes EVER. The moment I saw him in his little box in the little ‘we aren’t supposed to be born yet’ section of the hospital, I could not help but love him. looking at his little face, he was only about 2 pounds, but he was strong. He held his daddies finger (my brother) and would hold on. he was a little ball of innocents. A little ball for me to love. As an aunt I cannot do much, except spoil him. since money is tight right now, I cannot spoil him with materialistic items like I would like to do. Instead I can be here for him when he gets older, love him all the time and just be the best person I can be for the little man.
That would be a lot easier to do if he did not live in Texas. He moved there when he was a couple months old (2 weeks after he left the hospital) and we have only seen him once since then. I miss him. I really do. I feel that I have so much love to give and no one to give it to.

Lucas has changed my life. He is not even a year old yet, but he has done it. He changed the way I see babies. He has changed the way I look at people that want kids.

I now want a child. Now, don’t think I have gone all crazy. I do not want one now, just some time in my life.

I want to love that baby that came from me (or adopted) I want to feel their innocents in my body, through my soul, touching my heart. I want that. I want to have the power to change a poopy diaper and know that I am helping that little thing survive the day. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby until he goes back to sleep. I want to love it. I simply want something to love. Something to love and call my own.

I want to be the person a child goes to when they have had a bad day. I want to be the answer to all of their problems. I want to teach a child life lessons. I want a child to teach ME life lessons. I want to be able to say ‘yea that one, yea the one in the teenage mutant ninja turtle shirt, shes mine. Her father dressed her today…’ I want to get up in the morning knowing there is more than me that needs to be take care of. I want to take care of bullies on the play ground. I want to watch their t-ball games or dance classes, whatever they want to get in to, I will be supportive.

I want to be able to stop the pain with a kiss, to say it is all right and have them believe me. I want to get upset and mad and irritated at something the little one did. I want to revolve my life around the child. I want to make them happy. I want to stop their pain. I want to protect them from all of the dangers in the world until they are ready to experience it.

I want to go shopping for her first sports bra. Get him ready for his first date. I want to be the embarrassing mom that tells them she loves her kids when dropping them off at the movies.

I want to freak out when they drive for the first time, do the break thing on the passengers side. I want to make them feel better with trips to a favorite store or long drives in the country. I want to listen to their endless gossip about people I do not know.

I want to cry at their wedding, take millions of pictures of that day, tell embarrassing stories about their childhood.

I want to help them make the BIG decisions. I want my words to influence them.

I want to trust them to make the right decisions in life when I am not around. I want them to believe in a higher power. I want them to be all that they can be. I want them to be able to survive this world.

I want to watch them grow from small little piles of poop and boogers to sophisticated woman and men. I want to be proud of them, and I want them to be proud of me.

I want them to be stronger than I am.
I want them to need me.

So there it is, I am retracting all of those statements I have made previously about not wanting a child. Because, I do want one.

Thank you Lucas for showing me this. I love you.

no topic here.

Mother Flo came today. Exciting. NOT. On the positive side, and least I know my vibrator didn’t impregnate me.

Granny is in town this weekend, doing Christmas shopping ya know.
I have to hit her up for more money to help pay for school.

Boyfriend and I have lasted four months FOUR MONTHS. Too bad all we did yesterday was argue. I hate hate hate arguing with him. and he had a reason to be mad, but he also needs to give me attention. It takes a lot to get him mad, and I mean a lot. So we shall see how this plays out…

Almost done Christmas shopping! And I have a Christmas party on Sunday to go to. Woot woot. I will be home around 8 though, no worries.

I may be a little grouchy, but I am trying to stay positive.

I hope you all are having an excellent day!

shopping done easy.

When I started this blog I thought I would come up with something interesting to say every day. I thought I would update it every day, I thought I could be one of those interesting bloggers that people love and feel connected with and want to come back and check me out, again and again.

I personally do not think that is happening. But my other goal was to focus on a topic and write about that, to make me a better writer.
And that has happened.


Now for the topic..


What to get people for Christmas when you have NO money (for those that I am buying for, you may not want to read this, because then you may know what you are getting) .

1.Do you have any pictures with the person? Well, if you do give them a picture frame (I am sure you have one around the house, or maybe even use one that you have displayed, just please dust it off first) with a picture of the two of you in it!! And then whenever you go over to their house make sure they display it, and comment on how great you like it, and how wonderful the frame is. This is a gift that will keep giving.


2.Who doesn’t love getting a letter from someone telling them how much they mean to you? so get that pen and paper out, and start writing!


3.Now ladies, we all have those clothes in our closet that still have the tags on them..you know you are not going to wear them, its been 4 months since you bought that shirt. Why not give it to a friend? *please make sure they were not with you when you purchased said item, that could look bad.


4.Make them a coupon! ‘one free hug’ or something like that ‘one free evening alone with me’ . because you know without those coupons you would so make your friends pay to hang out with you.


5.For those sex addicts out there..go to your local teen annex and get a handful of condoms and some lube. Put them in a nifty basket and you have a perfect gift basket to make sure they are having safe sex!


6.If you do not like any of my ideas, just stay in, tell people your car doesn’t work in the cold weather and avoid all life forms until the season is over.


Now, 3 positive things.
3. I am almost done Christmas shopping
2. I went to uptown yesterday
1. I have clean socks

i think this makes me the best friend.

This is an ode to my friend. I told her to pick the topic, since she was sitting next to me, and I didn’t know what to write about.

The topic chosen (actually the next words out of her mouth)

Why do I want to work at Michael?

(I really don’t, but she does, and she is filling out an application and is in a pickle with that question)

So here goes.

Have you ever walked into the scrapbook section at Michaels and you just felt OVERWHELMED with all the choices? All of the themes you can come up with simply from that one isle? That one isle! I wish I could simply cut the pages out there, just use what I need and then once I am done with the page they can clean everything up and I will go up to the register and pay, for what they can see I took. Heh.

I also enjoy going to Michaels when I am having a bad day. The store is nice and quiet, and lets my creative side take over (if I have one) I can look at all of the displays and stand and pretend like I am deciding on aqua blue or semi-aqua blue markers, and no one will bother me. that’s right, I will be left alone. Take that annoying family members that shall not be named! I can stand in the isle for as long as I would like and simply ignore the looks from everyone walking past.

Have you ever gone into a store and decided to walk around with your Ipod on? ya know, trying to educate some of the not so lucky, on some great bands. Because we all know most of the good artists are not heard on the radio. And all of a sudden you are singing along in your head, and you see someone trying to make eye contact with you because apparently the words of the song have moved their way out of your lips? Well, at Michaels you can sing as loud as you want, and no one will say a word.

There is also the discount right? Who is going to pass that up…

Now, I am supposed to be doing three positive things in each blog, and so far I have not done that so here goes.

1. I am at the library.
2. My granny paid my debt so I can now go to school.
3. I just wrote a blog confessing how nerdy I am.

family ties.

Random stories

I just got home from work, I said hi to the doggies and my brother and went upstairs. Around 11pm I decided I was hungry and was going to go to the gas station. I went downstairs and didn’t see my brother. I figured he went out for the night or was in the bathroom jerking off or something. I opened the garage door and walked outside, and noticed something wrong.
My car was not there.
Hmm…now where could that be… I don’t think I misplaced it….
I went upstairs and got the number for my brothers cell phone, he didn’t answer. My sister was nice enough to text him saying to get home, and me being the bitch that I am went and woke my mom up, just in case he did not come home. We went to the living room and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally a decade (or maybe 20 minutes) later my brother walks in the door. And I ask him.
‘so let me get this straight…your boss had an emergency so they call you, someone that has worked there for 10 days so while I was at work you searched my room until you found my extra car key. And then when I got home you waited until you thought I was in bed for the night and took my car. So you could help your manager’ his response? ‘Yup’.


Thanksgiving dinner.
Everything is going fine. And then my brother starts talking about taking something out of my sisters room. I laugh and cannot wait to see what he has to say. my sister goes ‘yea and you took the one I wanted!’. I am sitting there waiting for my grandparents reaction, they just carry on eating. I whisper in my sisters ear ‘did he take the chocolate flavored condom?’. She nods to confirm my suspicions. Don’t you love thanksgiving…

dear______

Dear _______,
Please keep the perfect days and the beautiful sunsets and send him to me. You can take away my most valued music, whatever you would like, no price is too high (even though I do not think you can put a price on his life). All I want is his love.

I do not think he would mind if you sent him to me, I think he might actually really enjoy it. I have some things I would like to do if I got to be with him. I would wrap my arms around him for starters, and put my head on his chest, and just take all of him in; his smell, the beating of his heart, the way his chest rises and falls as he inhales and exhales. No movement would go unnoticed. I would put my hands on both sides of his face and reach up to kiss him. I would be able to taste him, feeling our lips connecting would be better than any drug.

When you send him please make sure to poke holes in the boxes, oh wait better make sure he is already assembled, I am not good on assembling things and I want him to be in the same condition when I get to admire him for the first time as what he was before. Because I like him for the way he is, he does not have to change at all to make me happy. So please make sure he is in one box.

If you would like I will spring for the pizza (his favorite food) that way he will not be hungry when he gets here, and we will not have to waste time standing in line at some sort of fast food place. I promise I will not harass him at first about not liking milk (because HELLO everyone likes milk), I will even cook for him if he would like a home cooked meal, I cannot guaranty it will be edible, but I will try my hardest.

I will try my hardest to be the best I can be, because I know he is greater than me, and he might be settling with me, but I will be the best I can be. Because he deserves the best, he is the best.

Heck if you promise to send him to me, I will even splurge on overnight shipping, please let me know what you decide.

Thank you,
Jessica

time for a change.

I notice that I as a person have a tendency to focus on the negative. And that is not always a bad thing, but, I am trying to change myself for the better.

So yes, I will probably focus on the negative, but I will not talk about it.
Talking about the negative will only bring negative things on. and while there is a lot of drama in my life and all that rubbish, I am simply going to not pay attention to it anymore.

I know that stories of my brothers stupidity are entertaining, so if I feel like telling you a story that will have you peeing yourself with laughter I will bring him up.

But that will be purely for your enjoyment. Other than that I am going to focus on the positive. So in celebration to my new way of thinking, I am making a list of a bunch of good qualities I have. And at the end of each blog I will post 3 positive things that are going on. because I think reminding myself of the good things will be good for me, and will help keep me positive.

-I am a really great color-er
-I can make people laugh
-I am a pretty darn good hugger
-I have had the same besties for a very long time now
- have you seen my boobs? Hello, awesome.
-I am caring
-snow is coming!!
-Taylor Swifts CD is awesome.
- I have a job interview on Thursday!! Eekk!
-I can walk in heels
-I can read, and write.
-I have an ipod
-I know how to fish
- I am a great listener
-I stand up for what I believe in
-I am supportive
- I can sing along to the radio, with almost every song!
- I am unique.
-dude! I have curly hair!
- I have people that care about me
- I am employed

You know? Maybe I should pick the guitar up again.. I was doing really well with teaching myself chords until I got bored…hm..

I have to go out and get that chick a birthday present now. She is going to love it, and it is going to be JUST WHAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED. Just wait and see.

pathetic.

We as a nation are lazy. Do not try and argue with me, you know it is true. We really are.

We sit with our computers on our laps and our TVs turned on, and complain about wanting more. And more, and even more. We have more than enough. Why do we always have to have the latest thing to make us seem cool or to make us feel better about ourselves. Are we really that materialistic?

Why do I feel the need to have 150 pairs of shoes? A bag in every color? The need to watch all of the NEW shows? If I do not have these things the world will continue to go ‘round, nothing will change.

As a nation we have more than enough. Why are we still producing everything? Maybe what we need is to just stop. Stop consuming so damn much. Get out there and live.

Why do we need so much? I know I am just as bad as the next person. Compared to other nations we have it really well. We do not need to go out and capture our own dinner, we can talk on the phone anywhere. Why do we feel that is not enough?

We are lazy, and we always want more than the next person. And it is pathetic. We are completely self centered.

And I am through with it. I will no longer live my life like that. I will only buy what I need. no extra.

I am going to start limiting my ‘luxuries’ to simply show people you do not need them.


Now, where the hell is my remote..

i love larry king!

I love the rain, I would rather play outside in the rain than on a sunny day. I have always been like that. I love the smell, I love the dampness in the air, I love the feel of the drops when they gently blend themselves onto my skin.

I love rain.

I love jumping in the puddles knowing they may not be there the next day, laughing into the wind. Feeling the rush of blood under my cheeks as they turn red from the cold. Walking around just so I can see my footprints on the ground and knowing I am making a footprint on the world.

When it gets cold out and the leafs start to fall and that rain turns into white fluffy flakes of snow, my appreciation does not change.

I love snow.

. I love the way it looks in the trees. I love getting all of my snow gear on and climbing around in the yard. Sledding was fun when I was younger. I love being able to shovel the driveway, being able to see my hard work the instant I do it. The feeling of snow falling on your tongue, not caring how you look sticking it out and turning up toward the sky. I love it all. Snowmobiles and ice skating. Having a snowball fight with your friends and siblings. Knowing you can use the excuse ‘stuck in the snow’ as an excuse for being late for work.

I love it. Give me a rainy or snowy day over a day full of sunshine anytime, I will be happy.

I guess you can tell I am from Minnesota now….

when i grow up i wanna have boobies

What do you want to be when you grow up? Everyone always asks that, and a majority of the time you hear something spectacular like ‘I want to be a lawyer’ ‘I want to be a teacher’ ‘I want to be a musician’ ‘I want to be a stripper’ ‘I want to be a doctor’ ‘I want to work at hooters’
You know things along those lines. When people ask them The Question they tend to say something that will involve college (most of the time) and something that is deemed as great in society.
Now, I have been thinking…why are those things so great? Because they help people? Because they make good money? Why do people always say that sort of thing when people ask them The Question?

So, when I grow up, what do I want to be? I have set the bar high for myself. My family and friends expect nothing but greatness. The boyfriend thinks that I am already great, and I will go on to do great things. And I know what I want to be.
I may or may not make a lot of money, but that is OK with me.
I will follow my values.
I will try to help people as much as possible.
I will protect those that I can.
It is the perfect thing for me to be. I may or may not need to go to school for it, but that is just fine and dandy.

When I grow up I want to be Me.
I believe I am a good person, someone willing to help others, a confidant for many, stubborn, moody, one day a mom, I am an aunt, a sister, a daughter.
I want the best for myself and I will strive for the best. I will not hurt others. I will stand true to what I value even when it seems the world is against me. I will break down, but I will get up again. I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them.
I don’t mean to brag or anything, but so far I think I am a pretty darn good Me.

blog dos

yup yup it is me again.

i actually had something really great planned out. it was one of those touch your heart blogs. something my friends wouldnt know. but i have chickened out.

i will not be posting it today.

hell and savior

2 posts today!

i have to call the school i have everything on my bed, and i am ready. just have to dial the number and come up with something intelligent to say.


all of that mail? yup. 2 are from the school. at least i have my computer..

it is a picture of my hell and my savior.

damn TV

do any of you have a DVR? well you have it good. mine is not working. and let me tell you, stressing over the DVR or the fact that i have to play 5000 dollars back to the school by friday, i have picked the DVR.

it is hooked up to my room and my sisters room. and for some reason my remote is not working, so i cant watch any of the programs on there. and i can use my TV to watch shows (meaning i would have to sit through the commercials, can we say torture?)

so i set it up to the 'single' TV mode, that way whatever is on my sisters TV is on mine. since she is out having ice cream with the neighbors i dont think she would mind this set up.

so i wrote her a nice note telling here what i did and went to my room.

everything was set up perfect, i would have to sit through the commercials, but at least i would be able to watch everything!

well..

i walked up to my TV and was going to turn up the volume..but..i accidentally changed the channel. and i cant find ANY remote to turn it back, and of course i need channel 3 to get the satellite thingy up and the TV goes from channel 2 to channel 4. so i am screwed.

so now, i am sitting in my sisters watching all the TV programs from last week. this sucks.

but hey, at least no commercials!!

The Boyfriend.

i have been informed ya'll want to hear about him. i really dont know what to say. but i will admit he is my favorite thing to talk about.

things i like about Boyfriend

-sarcastic, even more than me.
-smart
-can edit my papers (if i get the courage to send them to him, i know he will find A LOT of ways to improve them)
-makes me feel wanted
-loves me
-random (lightning bugs)
-willing to give up sleep for me
-understands my weirdness
- loves fishing
-and camping!!!!!
- will get a long with my friends
-is open minded
- puts up with my stupidity
- makes me laugh
- comforts me
- doesnt mind clammy hands
- allows me to be

i could go on and on and on but i wont....

and just for you- :0

(tee hee he knows what it means)

its that time again..

it is december 24th dinner has been served, and the home made lasagna was delicious (my mom even did one with tofu so i could eat also!) we went to church (she didnt even cry this time) and now it is time to relax, listen to some christmas songs, and go to bed.

at 10:00 its time to go to bed, the earlier you go to bed the sooner santa will come (laugh it up, but yes he still comes)!!

the anticipation for what is to come is overwhelming. sleep is IMPOSSIBLE. after 2 hours of looking at the ceiling thinking about nothing and everything at the same time, my eyes get heavy and i fall alseep.

3am- TIME TO WAKE UP!!!! my sister and i sneak down stairs to see if santa has come..yup. he has. it is now time to quietly look around (we cant touch anything,that gets us in trouble). after walking around for a couple minutes we gather up blankets and pillows and fall asleep next to the tree.

6am- time to wake up and go see if my mom and grandma (the grandparents come down and stay with us) will come downstairs.

6:30-mom and grandma venture downstairs with tired eyes.

7-perfect time to get everyone else up!!

7:15- make coffee for old people and sit quiet and still, so we dont get into trouble.

7:30 video camera is out and we are ready for the festivities to begin!

10am- presents are opened, dad is cranky, grandparents are tired. time to sneak upstairs and go back to bed for the afternoon.

*also note that people dont put presents under the tree until december 23rd because i am known for snooping*

i think i am going to be worse than my kids..i will be waking them up...tee hee.

whats your christmas like?

slacking already

i am a horrible writer. i cant focus..i am not good at describing things...i suck at writing. simple as that.

my goal is to pick a topic and write about that.

i need ideas for topics..
they took the dock out of the lake...i will have to find a different place to sit and think..


i guess i will have to walk along the beach...

i will post again today with an actual topic. not just pictures.

7 days without..

Boyfriend and i decided to not do anything for 7 days.
no masturbating for 7 days.
no orgasms for 7 days.

-gulg-

the damn ideas i come up with..

corny first blog

want to get down to it?
no holding back?
you really want to know me that well?
what if you dont like what i have to write?
what if you find you dont like me?
do you even know me?

this blog will be a sort of way to release whatever i have on my mind. feel free to comment. i am okay with the negative and positive.

i will be using surrnames on here, cuz i think that is pretty cool.

now that the first blog junk is done i will go and think of an actual topic to post about...