Wednesday, December 29, 2010

first night

You know, they always say your first time is the most nerve wrecking, and it almost always gets better after that.

I found that out last night.

Gord was in the shower and I hurried and changed into my pajamas (hey I didn’t want him walking in on me standing there in the nude and he would be all soapy. Not my kind of story) and got into bed. once in bed, I began to freak out. I have never ever in my entire 21 and ½ years shared a bed with a man, or a boyfriend. And I was freaking out. And I didn’t know if he liked me or not, and I wasn’t sure how it would go. And so I freaked out.

When he got out of the shower he found me sitting in bed wrapped in the blankets, not ready to go to bed. he said he was tired, and leaned over to turn off his light. I turned mine off as well; and the darkness filled the room.

And let me just tell you, I felt instantly better. The next thing I know he tells me ‘lets cuddle love’ and his arm is being wrapped around me, and I am continuing to freak out.

And I am not moving. And stiff. And making sure oh my god don’t move because then he will get interrupted and he may not like that.

And then he told me I could move.

And I started to calm down. And I felt him kiss my forehead. And his arms were wrapped around me, and it felt amazing. And perfect.

And I loved every minute of it.

And I really mean, I loved every minute of it. because it was super hot in the room (probably because I was nice and set the temp to 80 degrees before we went to bed) and with me getting all frisky with his hand being on my lower back for a little while. I did not get any sleep.

But him not getting any sleep made me feel better.

And tonight, I am not nervous. And you best believe his arm better be around me again. because that is the only way I want to sleep.

Thursday, December 23, 2010


I am starting to get nervous about Gord coming. Meeting for the first time. I am not worrying about the rational things, like him liking me or us having chemistry. I am more worried about things like:

What if he pictured me taller?
What happens if he doesn’t find me attractive?
Omg what happens if he doesn’t show up and I am just stranded at the airport and there is a blizzard and it turns into a horror movie?
What if my breath spells?
What if I forget my deodorant? Would it be awkward to borrow his?
What if he decides he doesn’t like me upon seeing me in person?

Ya know, these are the thing EVERY person should worry about when meeting their boyfriend for the first time at the airport.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

happy list

I have a lot to be happy about right now; and to be honest I don’t really have anything to make me unhappy. So, I thought I would make a list of 10 things that make me unbelievably happy right now.

1. I found a website that allows me to watch tv series online, so I am watching buffy from episode one (I am on episode 6 right now! Yippie!)
2. Christmas is almost here. Which is never ever a bad thing, but this is especially good for me. because once Christmas is here I will REALLY stop Christmas shopping. Since I don’t really have any other choice.
3. I am getting along well with my family right now.
4. Heracio makes me smile every day. mostly because his cage looks like a disaster and if I fix it, he gets uberly pissed and fixes it how he wants it (which is a mess).
5. I already know what my new years resolutions are going to be.
6. I have pictures all over my room that I have taken, and I LOVE looking at them all of the time.
7. I get to go to my grandmas for Christmas, I haven’t been there for a very very long time.
8. I have goals right now, and am looking in to a few things.
9. I painted my nails with sparkle nail polish today. I thought it would be fun for Christmas (and then will be taken off).
10. Gord will be here NEXT TUESDAY. He will be here next week. yippie! I will write more about that later.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

no worries

I am not going to lie, I like the fact that Gord has money. It means I know he will get me something for my birthday. It means if I ever tell him ‘I would like to go to Vancouver RIGHT NOW’ I will have a ticket. I know if anything happens to me, and he needs to come here, he doesn’t have to worry about the money to get here.

It means the mini-roadtrip we are taking in 3 weeks will be a lot more luxurious than I am used to. if he had the same income I do, we would be staying in Minnesota, in an adequate hotel. But we are staying in suites. We made dinner reservations at a restaurant that has a dress code.

And I am not worried about affording anything, because I know he can afford it. Will I treat him to dinner a few times? Yes. Do I have to? No. but it will make me feel good to treat him, and I think he will like that I never expect him to pay.

I will have enough money to pay for myself, for everything we do. Because I feel that is what is right. It is extremely nice of him to take care of everything, but I know he is doing it because he wants to, not because he has to. And I think that is how it should be.

Monday, December 6, 2010

fuck.. wait what?

I find that I like the word fuck right now. I have no idea why. I am not a curser, in fact, if someone curses around me it is usually followed by a ‘no cursing!’ from me. but in my head its
Fuck this.
Fuck that.
Fuck it.
And I have no idea why. I have even started cursing aloud when I am by myself. But do not fear, I know I must keep up the ‘no cursing’ rule, so I would never ever curse in front of anyone else. At least not yet.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I got off of work today at 5pm. I drove home, and by 5:24 I was already in pajamas. I sat down at my computer, and tried to decide to eat dinner, or skip it. I can’t help but check my email every few hours just to see if she decided to make contact with me. After not wanting anything to do with me, she decided to send a thank you card. A fucking thank you card, telling me she appreciated me going to her apartment and checking it out. To tell me she was happy I could see it.

I shouldn’t have opened that letter. I saw her return address and knew it wouldn’t be good. Gord is going to be here at the end of the month. You know how exciting that is to say? The end of the month and he will be here. Less than 30 days. It seems sort of unreal. He has always simply been over the phone. But he will be here. I will be able to taste him and touch him. I am a wee nervous about the touching part, but it will be okay. I haven’t decided either way on how much touching we will be doing, I am doing the ‘wait and see’ thing.

I decided to have thanksgiving left over’s for dinner. It was pretty good. For lunch I brought pizza rolls to work. I think everyone was a bit jealous.

I am in bed now, showered and in pajamas. I have to catch up on my DVR.

Tomorrow if it is nice enough out, I would like to walk to the pirate ship park. And then I can come home and get ready for work.

I have to find a way to stop missing her. It is not good for me.