Sunday, February 26, 2012

I want to be Physically Attractive

The first time Gordon and I met, I had lost a lot of weight and was very proud of myself for doing it. I did it for me. I did it to be healthy and to have a better life. The second time he saw me I had lost even more.

And then he told me he is not ‘physically attracted to me’ he prefers ‘athletically fit women’

So pretty much everything I am not.

He said this at the end of November. Since then I have not been able to lose any weight. I have though, managed to gain a lot of it back.

I look in the mirror and all I think about is how ugly and fat I am. there are times when I think about it and end up crying (sorta like today). Because I don’t know what to do.

He loves me, and I love him. but he doesn’t want to touch me. at all. The thought of touching me grosses him out (he has never said that, its just what I have in my head).

I need to get over this somehow (if that is possible) because I want to be healthy. For myself. And to be honest, I want him to want me as well.

I want to have sex. Lots and lots of sex. But he barely can even kiss me.

Because I am ugly and fat.

And I am trying to change that, but its not working; and I am struggling with it more and more as time goes on.

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