Operaton

Operation scare the crap out of myself is working well.

Let me tell you where I have been the past month.

I moved into the city. On Franklin and Park Ave. I have an AMAZING apartment that I love very very much. I moved in and unpacked and it is perfect for me. I truly do love it.

I also went to Vancouver and stayed with le Boyfriend. I love him so gosh darn much. We are so amazing together, it always makes me sad when I BUT little does he know, I will be staying for a month in December. And so he will have to put up with all of my crap then. muahaha. We had a wonderful time, and I really hope it works out with him and I. but if it doesn’t, I will not have any regrets.

I also got to see Lucas!!! He and I hung out, and went down slides and saw duckies. I love that little guy.

I have bookclub tonight, the book was okay. not something I would recommend to anyone though.

I am at the library now, I hope to have my internet set up next week so I can update you all more!

Toodles!

July 7th

As of July 7th 2011 my life will be changed. I will have my own apartment. I will have a place to call my own. I will have to go to my moms house to do my laundry.

I will have a 600 square foot studio apartment, with a teeny tiny kitchen and a teeny bathroom. With not enough closet space, and it is all mine.

I will have a bay window, and hardwood floors and a decorate fireplace. I will live in an old building with old woodwork.

I will have bills and I will have to be responsible.

And then, 9 days later my life will be changing even more.

I will be going to Vancouver and visiting Gord. And this is the visit where we talk about what it will take for me to stay there longer. What kind of visa I need to get. This will be the visit where we decide the future of our relationship.

This is the year for changes. And I am making them happen. and honestly, I don’t think I have ever been happier.

the one were i gush

I would like to tell you about my Saturday, but don’t worry I will skip the boring bits.

I don’t know if you know, but my sister moved out. The day after she graduated high school and moved in with her boyfriend. They live about an hour away, so I don’t really see her anymore. The week before this happened I took her out for breakfast and told her how much she means to me and that it is important that her and I stay in touch, and stay friends.

She was in town this past weekend.
And it has only been about 2 weeks since I have seen her, but OMG I missed her so damn much.

So I kidnapped her.

We went to the humane society and pet soft warm animals, and pined over the puppies, knowing neither of us can have one any time soon.

And then we went and I showed her where my apartment is. And we got scared, because it may be a little sketchy.

And then we got lost.
And ended up like 40 minutes away from where we were supposed to be. And I got to hear all about her life. All about what she is doing and things she does. And I was so glad that I took that time to visit her. Because she is going through a lot. And she shouldn’t be going through any of it, but she is. And she will be. So I just sit back and watch. But I loved that she talked to me, and spent time with me. And most important, she opened up to me, and told me all about it. I didn’t ask, I didn’t probe, and I didn’t talk down. I listened and she kept opening up more and more.

And honestly, that was a great feeling. I think she needs someone she can talk to and that person can be me.

And I will have a couch for her to sleep on soon enough.

Paying the rent

When you sleep until 10:30 in the morning, there isn’t much time to get things done. like putting away clothes or playing with Heratio. Or writing blog posts.

The cunucks did not win the Stanley cup last night, just as I predicted. And Vancouver did have a riot last night, just as Gord had predicted.

I am sort of freaking out right now. I decided I can afford to live on my own, in the city. So I went apartment searching and found The Perfect Place for me. and got approved to move there.

Who can pass up an apartment (studio) that has a bay window, wood floors, granite countertops (albeit it’s a small kitchen), and a decorative fireplace.

I know I couldn’t.

So now I am all omg I cant afford this omg I cant do this omg I am going to be swallowed by bills.

Because that’s just how I am.

Even though, I know I can afford it.

So I am in the freaking out stage right now. And the packing stage. And the sleeping until 10:30am stage.

I am going second hand shopping on Saturday to find the perfect couch to go with my perfect new house.
I suppose I should start getting ready for work now.. gotta pay the rent somehow.

do you want me

I am moving into the city. Yes. Minneapolis for four months, and I can hardly wait.

My plan? Move to the city, because OMG I LOVE IT THERE and grow as a person and have my own space, and just love life and deal with the stress that everyone deals with and just be normal. and then when I am laid off, I will put everything in storage, and travel around and visit Gord and my aunt and grandma. And it will be lovely.

And then, depending on what happens I will either be roommates with Gord or roommates with my coworker Jeni come January.

So, we shall see what happens.

I am rather exhausted. I could really use a nap, but am trying not to.

I sent a rather sexual picture to Gord and I asked if it turned him on and he said ‘maybe’. Way to make your girlfriend feel like you don’t want her sexually. If that is your goal, you have achieved it. no need to try harder.

And you know? it sucks that I feel that way. because that is important to me. and to be honest, one of the reasons I am losing weight and am working so hard at it, is because I want him to want me.

Because I know he loves me, but does he want me sexually? I have no idea. I don’t feel like he does though.

My room is a mess, but doesn’t napping sound better than cleaning?

I am excited about all of the upcoming adventures, just hate having to wait for them all to happen.

OH! And! I will be visiting Gordie July 16-21st.

Yippers!!

Super excited about that as well.

Anywho, that is sort of an update. I hope everyone is well. Love you all!

back in MN

I told Gord I am ready to end the distance. I told him its time for us to figure out if we can work together in the same city, or not.

I didn’t word it like that though. but we shall see how it works. Because I am ready to figure things out, and I am honestly sick of the distance. I want to be with him, in the same room as him. not just talk to him on the phone.

So, we shall see how that goes.

I am back in Minnesota now. The trip was amazing. I loved the train, and the city. I found that I love cities a lot.

I gave my two week notice at work, I don’t think I told you about that. yea, I gave it. and the branch manager was so upset, that he offered to create a new position just for me, that way I would have the flexibility to travel like I want.

I hope you are well.

DC trip

I am in DC right now, with my grandma. Sitting on my bed, eating almond and wheat thin sandwiches. I love this city.

I think I just love cities. I love walking around, and exploring. I love finding the little hidden things. I love asking for the time, just to talk to locals. I love getting lost, and finding my way again. I love LOVE love taking the metro. I love commuting.

I love cities. I loved Chicago, and now I love DC as well. I really would love to live in one for just a little while –hint hint-

We went to Arlington cemetery today that was amazing. I didn’t want to be the weird one that starts crying, but its so overwhelming. Seeing graves everywhere you look. All of those lost lives, for our freedom. It makes me mad that there are so many wars, and it makes me sad for those that have lost so much. So many young men.

And then after that, we went to Georgetown. Were I shopped, to you know, get rid of feeling sad? And I loved it. I love shopping. I got a few cute things.

Tomorrow we go home, on the train. So we will arrive in MN around midnight on Sunday.

I am sorry I have been neglecting you. I just haven’t had time. I am working crazy hours, but I will try harder. Maybe I will have to put blogging on my to-do list. I do love this, so I will have to try harder.

needing

I told you I didn’t like needing people. I didn’t mind when people needed me, but I work really hard at not needing anyone.

But you wanted me to need you. and I wanted so desperately to need someone and to be needed. I wanted to be normal and not in charge of fixing everyone and everything.

And now you are thinking about leaving. And we don’t know what that will mean for us. It will be more challenging than what we are doing now, we know that. you won’t be around to tell me I am pretty and to tell me you love me. you won’t be able to comfort me when I cant stop crying. will you be able to tuck me in at the end of each night?

You came here and I fell so deeply in love with you. and for once I felt normal. I felt so loved and so needed. I need your love so damn much. If you aren’t around my little world will be shattered.

And I am so scared right now. What if you decide you don’t need me and you go away?

This may just have to do with money to you; but it changes everything for us. If you decide to go away does that mean I am second in your life? Does it mean you don’t want to be with me anymore? what does it mean for our future?

I told you I didn’t like needing people, but you made me feel safe and you made it OK to need you. so why are you even thinking about leaving our comfort zone?

restless

I feel restless a lot of the time; I think everyone feels like this. I just wonder if I am doing the right thing. Because there are so many things I could change right now. So many things that I could decide aren’t right for me, I could change my mind about one thing and everything could change. And then I could maybe be happier or I could be more miserable. Its enough to make a person go crazy!

I am not allowed to talk about Stacy anymore. because whenever I talk about her it just makes me sad. How can someone you never saw yourself without pick a guy over you? even if she doesn’t realize that’s what she was doing, that’s what she was doing. And I cant talk about it or think about it without crying and getting upset.

and the fact that Gord doesn’t see him and I having a future together. And he makes it so clear that him looking at condos has nothing to do with me. and I KNOW that, and he makes sure to always point it out. Does he know that this hurts me? I know it doesn’t have to do with me, him and I are nowhere near getting a place together. But why does he always have to point it out? Is he really happy with me? does he really want to be with me?

and I am really happy with myself right now. I am exercising and eating super healthy. And I may not be happy with my weight, but I love how I look and have so much confidence and faith in myself. And I LOVE running.

The high from running. Hating it and not being able to breathe and pushing yourself so hard you feel like you are going to throw up. but you don’t care and you keep pushing yourself and pushing yourself. because you can do it. and you WILL do it. and you don’t care what your body is telling you. you don’t care that you cant feel your legs. And you are going to throw up. and then you finish. And you run to the bathroom and sit on the edge of the tub in case you throw up. and you don’t. and you catch your breath. And then you realize that you just pushed yourself so freaking hard. and if you can push yourself that hard in running, you can do anything.

But then you feel restless again. which brings to the beginning of this post again.

23 days left

So. as of today, I will be giving my two weeks notice in 23 days. I am deliriously happy about this. That means no more putting up with a crappy boss who has to be the center of attention.

This week she has decided I am not allowed to talk -_-
Really?
So I am super happy about this. AND they have me working overtime like crazy so that is extra money to spend..erm I mean save.

I really have to clean my bedroom, but I am having a hard time finding the time to do it.

My granny is going to be here tomorrow, too bad I have to work all day. but we will be going out for dinner on Sunday to celebrate birthdays (mine being one of them) .

Running sucks. But I am still doing it every day. I am trying to get my mile under 18 minutes (hey! I have never ran before in my life, so it’s a big deal!) and having trouble. I got advice from an experienced worker outer, so I hope to have that by next week.

I am thinking about starting a tumblr, and posting my outfit every day on there. because I send a picture to Gord everyday with my outfit already, so why not post it online for everyone to see how cute I am?