restless

I feel restless a lot of the time; I think everyone feels like this. I just wonder if I am doing the right thing. Because there are so many things I could change right now. So many things that I could decide aren’t right for me, I could change my mind about one thing and everything could change. And then I could maybe be happier or I could be more miserable. Its enough to make a person go crazy!

I am not allowed to talk about Stacy anymore. because whenever I talk about her it just makes me sad. How can someone you never saw yourself without pick a guy over you? even if she doesn’t realize that’s what she was doing, that’s what she was doing. And I cant talk about it or think about it without crying and getting upset.

and the fact that Gord doesn’t see him and I having a future together. And he makes it so clear that him looking at condos has nothing to do with me. and I KNOW that, and he makes sure to always point it out. Does he know that this hurts me? I know it doesn’t have to do with me, him and I are nowhere near getting a place together. But why does he always have to point it out? Is he really happy with me? does he really want to be with me?

and I am really happy with myself right now. I am exercising and eating super healthy. And I may not be happy with my weight, but I love how I look and have so much confidence and faith in myself. And I LOVE running.

The high from running. Hating it and not being able to breathe and pushing yourself so hard you feel like you are going to throw up. but you don’t care and you keep pushing yourself and pushing yourself. because you can do it. and you WILL do it. and you don’t care what your body is telling you. you don’t care that you cant feel your legs. And you are going to throw up. and then you finish. And you run to the bathroom and sit on the edge of the tub in case you throw up. and you don’t. and you catch your breath. And then you realize that you just pushed yourself so freaking hard. and if you can push yourself that hard in running, you can do anything.

But then you feel restless again. which brings to the beginning of this post again.