road rage

I think I may have developed road rage today. And sort of ruined a few people’s days because of it, normally I am a very calm driver, but here is what happened.

I was driving along on the highway and I saw the car behind me was catching up; I couldn’t get over because there was a car in my way. So I was passing that car first. I looked behind me and the car behind me was RIGHT ON MY ASS. So I was finishing passing this car, and looked behind me again, and the woman in the car was making gestures at me… so… I decided not to get over for the women. And to slow down a wee bit. I am by no means a slow driver. I was going 70 in a 55 zone. When I saw how rude the lady was, I slowed down to 65. So really, not too slow. And if she would have waited for me to pass the car, I would have gotten over so I wasn’t in her way.

She was behind me when my exit came up, still on my bum. So I decided to go on an adventure and stay in front of her… we went about 5 more minutes and she passed me and totally tailgated a freaking SEMI truck. I watched her cut off another car to pass the semi truck, and then was on the ass of the next car that was in front of her…

To be honest, I think she totally deserved to have her day ruined by me. she needs to learn how to allow cars time to get over because she gets pissy.

I turned around and was stuck in rush hour traffic (I LOVE getting stuck in traffic.. gives me time to listen to more music). I got off the highway and was going through a stoplight by my house, a car was turning right. My light was green so I was going… they were going as well. They weren’t stopping.. I was stepping on my breaks and honked my horn (first time I got to honk at someone!!! yay!!! Go me!!!!) they stopped and I went. When I turned around I saw there was a state trooper behind them that turned on its lights and had now stopped the car that almost ran into me.

I don’t think those people had a very good day today either.

the post about the boyfriend

Gordon lives in Vancouver; he does construction work and is 35.

He is amazing at loving me.

Him and I met online.. in a game..

It happened really fast. Him and I were just talking, I simply enjoyed talking to him. And we would spend hours chatting and laughing with each other. And then one night he told me ‘yea I got asked out today and I told the girl I was taken’.

And my red flags came up.

And I freaked.

I knew that was his way of telling me he was interested in me.

I was over Adam, and really was enjoying being single and not trying to replace Adam at all. I was happy just being by myself and flirting up a storm.

I don’t remember what I told him. I knew I liked that he said that about me, he planted the seed for me to think about being with him or not.

We chatted as much as possible. I think he lost a lot of sleep because of it.

A few days later I was in a skype chat full of people him and I both knew. Sex came up. And me, being single, didn’t feel the need to hold back. I really do enjoy talking about sex, so I did. He came on, and got upset. He would never ever try to control me in any way, but he asked me ‘if I were in a chat with all women and said the things you said, would you like it?’ and of course I would not.

But I told him I was not his girlfriend. And he can get upset all he would like and I understood, but him and I were friends. So, he asked me to be more.

And that is how we became official.

About 3 days later we exchanged I love you’s.

Everything with him happened really fast. And I am willing to go to Vancouver for him, I am willing to move out there. But I would like to take my time. I do not want to rush into anything. I am 21 years old. And Gord and I talk about marriage and things we are going to do with our kids and how we are going to raise them all the time. And I LOVE talking about that stuff, but I sort of want to really take my time in making it happen.

I have found my fairytale, and I am in no hurry to find out how it ends.

Tomorrow

I feel as if I am not understood today. I feel that my thoughts and my feelings are getting tangled and I try to express them but people look at me all funny.

Today is a hard day. And I think I am going to now accept that. And I am just going to allow myself to cry if it comes out. And I am going to allow myself to be sad.

Because tomorrow is a different day, and tomorrow I will be happy. Because there is nothing to be sad about.

Crazy Feelings

I am finding men do not listen. They think they do, but really, they don’t. You tell them you are not going to start an argument you simply want them to understand how you feel. And so you say how you feel.

And they get all defensive and it is like you are poking them with a stick.

You try and explain yourself again, explain that you do not want to fight, that you just want them to understand. And you word it differently and you try to have patience, but they simply do not understand it.

No matter how many different ways I word it, he still does not understand. All he does is get all defensive as if I am attacking him because I feel a certain way.

The only reason why I brought up how I feel is because I know how I feel IS crazy and it DOESN’T make sense; and I honestly know that how I feel is wrong and stupid, and I want him and I to both be aware of that. That way when the issue comes up again, we can address it and not fight. We can address the underlining issue that is really bothering me (because let’s face it, we mostly argue because of how I feel) and we will move on much faster.

So my word of advice.

If a women tells you ‘dear, I don’t want to fight. But I feel it is important that I tell you how I feel, that way you understand’ DO NOT get aggressive and feel the need to defend yourself.

More than likely, she knows how freaking crazy she is. Just accept what she has told you and move on.

Dreams

Gord and I sometimes talk about our childhoods. And he had an amazing childhood; as normal as it gets.

My childhood was a little less than normal. I went through a lot that most people wouldn’t have survived. But I stayed strong. I made sure to be very selective about who I hung out with so that I did not get into drugs or alcohol.

I made sure I stayed pure so that I would not be able to have children at a young age. I knew that if I had a child when I was young, it would have a lot of struggles that were not necessary.

I was VERY selective about boys, to the point that I did not find any that were worthy of my attention.

I got made fun of a lot, and got called stuck up. I had very good morals at a young age, and really did not care what anyone had to say about me.

I look at my relatives and see what I do not want to become. I see how their everyday life is; and as horrible as this may sound, I know that I am better than them. I know that I am capable of much greater things then they are capable of. I know that so far, I have lived my life with more dignity and respect than most people will ever be able to muster up.

Tonight I realized that I did all of this so that my children could have a much better childhood then me. When I have kids I can be the great example that they can look up to.

I think unconsciously my maternal instinct has been there all along. Making sure the kids that I didn’t even think about would have an incredible mom.

And I want those kids, which I actually have started to think about, to have the childhood that they deserve. I want them to have everything that they could ever dream about.

Boring

I promise I have not forgotten about all of you, but the fact is that I have become boring.

I wake up in the morning and go to work. I come home from work and do some cleaning, maybe read a little. Go for a walk and then relax in the evening and go to bed.

Honestly, nothing to blog about.

I am turning into an adult and I am fighting it full force.

I am a wee bit sick right now, so I have been sleeping all day. and let me tell you, I do enjoy sleeping.

On my 21st birthday I got drunk, and had a blast. I learned I am a very very happy and social and touchy drunk.

Easter was exciting, I got an easter basket.

Gord and I are doing wonderfully.

My life is honestly really boring right now.

And I absolutely love it.

positive and happy

I Sort of got sucked into a negative spell these past weeks, so I am doing a positive happy list.

10 positive things that make me happy.

1.Going to the lake and walking around, enjoying the fresh air and being by the lake
2. going on picnics
3. Gord lets me be bossy
4. my stationary collection is expanding weekly (now I just need more addresses!)
5. Lucas MAY be visiting us in May
6. Heracio and his girlfriend are getting along well
7. I cleaned out my closet so now I have room for new clothes
8. I think I found my favorite ice cream
9. I have an amazing boyfriend
10. I am completely and madly in love

Boy and Girl

I don’t want this blog to turn into another blog about love, while I love reading them; I just expect this blog to be about more. I want to talk about everything here, and I know I have a lot to say about love, so I made a different blog.

I started it out because I knew I had a lot to say, I selected a different type of format for it because I love reading blogs that are like that.

And then after a while I showed Gordon. And he loved it. And we decided we should do it together. So some days he posts, and some days I post. I really love going there and reading what he wrote, and I know he loves reading what I wrote as well.

We decided not to say who did what post, that way people will never know.

I really love going there on a bad day and rereading what has been posted and knowing how much he loves me, it always helps. We try our hardest to update it every day, but sometimes life gets in the way.

So, if you haven’t checked it out already, go do so now!

trust

Confession?

I don’t trust anyone. You may think I trust you but really, I don’t. The people that I am supposed to trust showed me that if I trust someone, they will abuse me. I learned at a young age to just keep everything to myself, because if I don’t tell anyone what is really going on with me, than no one will know. And then I can’t get hurt by someone that has betrayed my trust.

There are things I do, that make it so people believe I trust them. I tell people small details about my life. I learned that if I tell my mom small things, she thinks I am telling her things, and that I trust her. So, instead of telling her about getting harassed by some boy in school, I would just tell her that I dropped my pencil in math class and had to pick it up. If I tell her a mundane story, she also believes that nothing really exciting happened. I learned that works for all people.

I let people believe I trust them, because people need that. People need to feel needed.

I am really good at psychology. I am really talented at getting inside someones heads. Figuring out what they need to be happy. And 90% of the time, I can either point them in that direction or give them what will make them happy.

When you let someone in, and decide that you want them to be in your life in a major way, I am learning these tricks don’t work. I am learning that they can see right through the not trusting. They can see right through the giving small details thing. And what would really make them happy is me actually trusting them. Not trying to trick them into believing I trust them.

It’s hard. There is so much that comes along with trusting someone. You give up control; you give yourself to that person.

And right now, I am terrified that I will never be able to trust someone that much. And I am trying so hard right now to do that, but, there is like, a wall that is holding me back. I want to be able to trust him, and I know I can. But when I go to do it, I see a wall with everything that has happened to me in the past.

I need to find a way to stop bringing up the past, to stop thinking about it and hiding behind it. Because I know, I can trust him.

I just have to trust myself enough to give him that trust.

Yuck

If you have a penis, I would suggest not reading this post.

When I was entering womanhood, and got my period for the first time, it was no big deal. Yes, it was annoying and I hated it and was paranoid about other people noticing. But I went and ran around with my friends until dinner time, and after did homework and everything was normal.

Then as I grew older, the stomach pains began to get worse. So sometimes I would have to stay home, because there was no way I was gallivanting around the neighborhood when I cant move.

And then I got my drivers license and found ice cream fixes everything, especially when my insides are yelling at me to come out.

And then the next year or so I started getting headaches, and getting tired more often and needing AT LEAST 100 hours of sleep a night.

And now, I am finding when it is time for my body to hate me, my nipples are sensitive, and my body aches ALL OVER. What the hell is with this? I have to force myself to move and to get up and go for a walk and leave the house.

This is horrible. I am worried about what it will be like when I am in my 30’s.