update

Hello my loves! You know? I thought I would update you with what is going on in my life!

So, here is a random post with what I am thinking and feeling and all of that gibberish.

I am working, but plan on quitting my job. I will be giving my 2 week notice on April 23^rd, making my last day the day before my grandma and I go to DC!!! Which I am super excited about. I also now have an elliptical in my bedroom! And I love it! and I can only last 10 minutes on it at a time (you shush), but I used it three times today, and it is getting easier. It makes me feel really good. Well, it makes me feel horrible at the time, but afterwards… I love it.

My best friend is with my exboyfriend. She told me about it abruptly, and hasn’t said anything since then. she has a lot of ‘splaining to do. too bad she refuses to talk to me, gosh darn her. but, I feel I have done what I can, and have made it clear I am willing to try to work things out with her. so the ball is and has been, in her court.

I am obsessed with dresses. And leggings. Yes. I love them.

Heracio is doing well, he is out of food right now. I would rather not talk about how his mother was too lazy to go to the pet store for him. he should learn how to do that stuff on his own! He is 3 now!

And so is LUCAS! It is crazy, it seems like I was visiting him yesterday in the ICU.

If I pause. Rest at all, throughout the day, I get terribly sad. I start thinking about how I have no intimate friends, because the one that I had is acting shaddy. And Kristen, I love her, but its just not the same (please don’t take that the wrong way). and so the only intimate relationship I have is Gord. And I sort of don’t like that. but I wont just post an ad on craigslist to look for a best friend. So I just do things like clean out the fridge, and organize cupboards, and run on the elliptical. And shop online.

I am also volunteering, and trying really hard to figure out what makes me happy, but ya know, I cant just come up with that over night.

So yes. There are some ups and downs going on right now, which is normal. I am simply living life the way it is meant to be lived.

stay positive

So. sometimes life is sort of rough, and I tend to tumble a lot, and its not always pretty. So here is my list of 15 positive things right now; because in all honestly it is not the positive things I am focusing on.

1. I have been introduced to the Evert brothers and mumford and sons.. and let me tell you they are better than most other music out there.
2. Once my background clears, I will be volunteering, because I have such a shady past ya know
3. Hello there, the new lovely elliptical that will be in my bedroom in less than 72 hours. It is nice to have a best friend again.
4. I cooked on Sunday and 1 of the 2 new recipes were good.
5. My passport will be here in 3-5 weeks, not like I am counting down or anything.
6. Heracio is hopefully going to be a therapy pet someday soon.
7. Only 50ish more days working at trugreen!
8. I have been waking up before 9am.. every day except today (hey no judging!)
9. Spring is here! Dresses are here! Yippie!
10. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast (no worries it was honey bunches of oats)
11. Maggie had surgery and is still alive
12. Whenever I look in the mirror I am surprised at how beautiful I am.
13. When things get hard, I surprise myself with how strong I am.
14. I am not on any medication
15. Gord is going to be tired tonight, so I am going to tuck us in; which means he is the little spoon.

In the blink of an eye

Somedays I feel that I am the most amazing person on the face of this planet, and Gordon is lucky that I allow him so much time with me. he is lucky someone as beautiful and charming and as caring as me, would allow him so much attention and affection.

And then there are days like today; well to be honest it’s been a rough couple of weeks. I look in the mirror and am all ‘meh this could change and omg what’s with my eyes why do I look 80?’ and the fact that the scale has decided to not only stay the same, but lie to me and say I have gained a pound since last week.

So I take a shower and cry. And sulk. And cry some more.

Because I just want to accept myself on the outside for how it looks. I love myself on the inside, and I think I am a much better person than 99% of the population, but on the outside I suck.

I could think of a million things I could change about myself on the outside. And I don’t know how to stop thinking like this. Even though I try, every single day, to accept myself for how I look, and now for how I want to look.

I stand up for every single women because, we are beautiful just the way we are, but days like today make it hard to believe that fact is the same for me.

I want to be healthy, and fit, and I want Gord to tell me ‘omg I cant stand to be without you for another minute. GET TO VANCOUVER NOW.’

But none of that is going to happen overnight. Life takes time; it’s the longest thing we ever go through. And I want to just get to my goal weight without my body protesting against me. And I want to go to sleep with Gord every single night.

I just want to accept myself for how I am, and not be so hard on myself.

I get told as long as I live a healthy lifestyle, which I am doing, everything else will fall into place. I just wish it would fall into place overnight.

Stacy and I

I forget sometimes that people that care about me and know me read this blog, and I hate to say it, but I am too busy to talk to them and give them detail events of everything. So, this is what happened with Stacy and I. Its long, and makes me cry. but this is my side of the story.
---



Alright, this is the story of what happened with stacy and I. I know that there are two sides to every story, and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I in no way expect you to take any sides at all, or even get involved. But this is what I feel happened.

Her and I were fighting, and we emailed back and forth and came up with things that both of us have to change. She wanted me to make more of an effort to talk to her, and be the one to initiate conversations and texts, and she also wanted me to tell her more about what was going on in my life. She felt like she was getting left behind. I wanted her to listen more, and talk less. Because I felt like she didn’t care, so I didn’t say much.

So we go together at perkins a few nights later (I invited her) and she said a lot of really hurtful things, and it got to the point where I told her I was leaving and asked if she was staying, or leaving with me. she said she would go, I went home and started crying. this was back in September.

In late September she sent me a text saying she decided to move out on her own. I felt blindsided because she didn’t talk to me about it, or ask how I felt about it. I know I have no say in what she did, but it would have been nice just to be included. So, I didn’t say any of that. I simply said that makes sense since she can, and asked her when she was going to sign the lease and move in. she told me her dad and her already signed the lease, and she was moving in October first.

I congratulated her and was happy for her. it was a big step, and she needed the support of her friends. I texted her every couple of days asking her what she was up to or how she was, and she would respond with one word answers. Which, as you know, is not normal for her. I knew that she didn’t want to talk, so I just let it be, I was doing what I said I would, I was making an effort to talk to her.

She didn’t have time to get together with me. she was too busy working and whatnot, but her and Kristen would always hang out. I felt that she didn’t really want to spend time with me, and that something was going on that she wasn’t telling me. but I didn’t say anything, because she already wasn’t talking to me and I didn’t want to start a fight.

Finally I told her I should maybe come over after work one night to bring over all of the stuff I had for our apartment (because remember I was supposed to move in). there was TONS of stuff that my aunt and grandparents had gotten for her and I. she agreeded to that, and that night she didn’t really talk to me. I enjoyed her company and although she was really quiet, it felt really good to hang out with my best friend. We were in bed, about to go to sleep and I told her that I have really missed her, and I enjoyed spending time with her. she responded with ‘umm okay’.

And then the next day, I had to get up and go to work, and off I went. The next time I heard from her was an invitation I got in the mail. A open house to HER new apartment. I was hurt because I thought maybe she would wait until I moved in, or at least include me in the party planning? Maybe talk to me about it? but she didn’t do any of that.

So, again, I kept my feelings to myself, because a good friend supports her friend no matter what. And stacy needed support, and again, this was a really big step. moving out on her own and everything.

So my family and I went to her party, and I was surprised that I had a really good time. everyone left except for Kristen, stacy, my sister, Robbie, and i. and we played games and had a really great time. Kristen brought me home, and on the way we were talking about how great the night was and how much fun it was hanging out together again, and how fun Robbie was, and how stacy and him should really talk again.

The next day I tried texting stacy, and I got one word responses. After a few days of this, I asked her if she was mad. she told me yes. I was EMBARRASING around Robbie…um what? Apparently she didn’t like some of the things I said, and she didn’t like how I acted.

At this point I had had enough of her treating me so horribly. I told her I acted like myself, and I will not change who I am to make other people happy. she couldn’t think of anything that I did that was embarrassing, just that I was. And if you are embarrassed by something someone does, you usually remember. My sister says its simply because I had no problem talking to Robbie, and stacy is jealous of that.
But anywho back to the texts. I told stacy as her friend, I deserve much more respect than she has been giving me and I deserve to be treated better. She responded with ‘ok’. I told her if she didn’t want me moving in with her, I was completely fine with that, because her and mine friendship means a lot more to me than moving in together. She simply had to tell me. she didn’t respond to me.

I worked it out that I would be able to move in December first. I told stacy that, and I told stacy that I should apply to the place so that way everything was set up. I asked her when she would be available so she could go with me, since you know, I would be living there with her. she told me she wouldn’t have time to go with me.

So about a week or so later I went with my mom. Her and I signed the papers and they said all I have to pass is the background check since stacy already is approved and lives there.

However long later, I got a call saying that I was approved, and all that needs to be done is to have stacy, her cosigner and me sign the lease again so we are all three on it.

All of a sudden stacy was saying her and I have things to talka bout before that happens, I said that’s fine, and asked her when we could get together to talk things over then. she told me she didn’t have time. I said that we needed to talk things over so I could pack my stuff and get everything settled and I had to make arrangements to start moving, she told me I shouldn’t be in such a rush we had time. it was November first, I had a month. I told her I didn’t want to pack and then have her change her mind. so I needed some sort of commitment from. She told me ‘you are just clinging to this’. I asked her what she was talking about. She said I was freaking her out and she needed time to think. We continued texting for four hours. It sounded like she was just saying what her mom and dad were telling her to say, the converstion didn’t sound like her at all. And it ended with ‘you neeed to let me know tomorrow when we can get together to talk about everything or when I can pick up my stuff’

She didn’t respond to that.

I haven’t heard from her since that day.

I have tried to text her, and she wont respond. I wrote in m blog about how much I miss her, and how horrible and empty I feel without her in my life, and she didn’t respond to that.

I miss her so much. I miss her every day. there are so many things that are happening that SHE should be part of. and that I should be part of. and its all wrong, this is all wrong. and I hate it. but I also don’t want to be friends with someone that treats me the way she was treating me. and I don’t know what else to do. I know if I apologize for how things are, then that means she has the power again, which is what she wants. And we are back to her treating me like crap, and belittling me and her hurting me again. so SHE needs to talk to me first, and make an effort so that way things will change.

Gah. You know, its still to the point that I am sitting here crying as I write this out. It just hurts not having her in my life. There is so much that I want to tell her, and that I want to ask her. and its just horrible. and I hate it, but I don’t know how to change things.

And I know there are spelling and grammatical errors in this, but I have to switch loads of laundry and get ready for work, I am behind now, this took me much longer than I thought it would to write out.

One New Year Resolution

I get into these phases where I want to do more with my life, I want to help more people and discover more of the world. I want to take more risks, and worry less what people think of me. I have decided that this, this is the year to do just that.

2011 is the year of not worrying about my future, and what I am going to do when I grow up. I am not going to worry about anything other than exploring who I am, and discovering things I want to discover.

I already have a few of my adventures planned, and ready to go; I am just waiting for the dates to get here.

In April I am quitting my job, and getting another part time job, so I have the flexibility to go on adventures and vacations and spend time with my friends and see my family.

In May I am going on a TRAIN to Washington DC with my grandmother to explore this countries past, and practice my photography skills.

In June I am going to see GLEE LIVE.

In July I will be going to see BACKSTREET BOYS eeekk!!! (super great seats for that one).

I am not sure what I am going to do for August yet, but I am hoping a trip to Vancouver –hint hint-

And in September I am going on a cruise with my aunt.

I hope it to be a good year, with lots of adventures and exploring, and discovering more about me. and come next year, I will take responsibility for my future again.

Age

it is no secret that Gord is older than me. by about 15 years. And to me, that doesn’t matter. I love him and want to be with him. I find that we complement each other very well, and are sort of the ying to each other’s yang.

But he feels like he would hold me back. He doesn’t want to travel, and he doesn’t want me to have to take care of him. At this moment in time he does not see us getting married, or having kids. He can’t really picture a future with us.

But he wants to be with me, and he loves me more than he has loved before. And he sees us as really well together. He just doesn’t see us having a future.

And when we talk about this, I but on my brave face and I pretend that it doesn’t hurt me. The man that I want to be with, doesn’t see himself with me.

My head keeps going in circles, is he with me now because he doesn’t want to break my heart? Because he doesn’t want to be alone? Is he with me now because it is habit for him, and he doesn’t want to break that habit yet?

Is he just prolonging my heartbreak?

Am I being stupid by hoping and being positive that this will pass, and he will overcome this age thing, at least enough to give us a chance to try and have a future together?

I want to be with him, and I will fight with everything I have to make him and I work. And we may not last forever, but I just want the chance to TRY and see if we can last. I want him to allow us to go on the adventure of our relationship together. And if we don’t work, it would be a learning experience for him and I. but he wont even let us have that change right now.

So, I am trying not to think about it, and being brave and pretending that it doesn’t hurt that he doesn’t see us having a future, because I really want to enjoy everything about him while I can.

mirror

I just got done standing in front of the mirror. My body on display, for me, so I could inspect it, and take note of all of the things that I like and dislike.

And it makes me mad at myself. Because I am working so hard at changing my body, and you can see such a big difference, and you can see my hard work. but I am still not satisfied. And instead of thinking about how much I have accomplished, my mind went to how much I still have to do.

I am worried my body will never be what I want it to be, and I will never be happy with what I see in the mirror. And I hate that about myself. Because I know I am beautiful, and I know how talented and how amazing of a person I am. So why can I not just be happy with what I see in the mirror?

the little brat

May we talk about my sister for a minute or 10?

I love her so freaking much. I look at her and I see how different from me she is. She is much rougher around the edges, and refuses to correct her grammar, even though I politely point out what she does wrong. she hates reading, but sometimes buys books ‘just in case’ she will like it.

I had a great day at work the other day, and decided to take her out somewhere. It surprised me how happy I was to have her next to me. we share secrets, share plans we refuse to tell our mom about. We laughed, and danced. And we just got each other.

I think its just a sister thing, I don’t have to explain to her when I talk to myself, or why I am doing something strange; she just knows.

I love going out with her. I love our little ‘dates’ together. I love how well we take care of each other, and how amazing it is that we are always looking out for each other.

There are times that I really dislike some of her decisions she makes, and I don’t always like her. but I am glad she is my sister, and I would be extremely lonely without her.

Yippie! pictures!

Gord and I in Chicago, right next to the GIANT bean.

This is Gord and I, getting muddy on a walk in Des Moines
(I think I enjoyed that a bit more than him)

PIZZA!!!

Gordie with his coffee, of course.

Me! on our way to Chicago.

This is the first bed Gordie and I cuddled in.


Overall, I had an amazing time on this trip. I loved all of our little adventures, and holding Gords hand. Everything was perfect, and exceeded all of my expectations. I really love this man.

more time

The trip went very well. I honestly have never been happier. Being with him every day was amazing to me. I loved waking up with him, and going to sleep with him. I loved waking up in the middle of the night because he moved around and I need to reposition my cuddle position. I loved holding hands and touching him. I loved how he kissed me on my forehead every night before we went to sleep. Everything was perfect.

I don’t want to be without him. I want to be with him, I want him to come home from work to find me waiting for him. I want to try cooking so he will have one less thing to do when he gets home from work. I want to take care of him and make his life easier. I want to get a passport and have an adventure. I feel that I am young enough, I can quit my full time job and go and see him for an extensive period of time, so we can figure out if we are right for each other.

I brought this up with him last night, and his thoughts were much different from mine. He had a great time, but our age difference really bothered him; and he is not sure we can overcome it. He is not sure if he can see us in 20 years together. He asked for time, he is not ready for me to visit him yet (he just left here two days ago). He wants us to take our time, and to see how things go.

I did the ‘be strong and not let him know how horrible this sounds to you’ thing. I told him he has to be fair to me, and if he decides it’s not going to work out, he has to tell me right away.

But it made me incredibly sad. Sitting here going over this again, and with him not being on the phone, I can let out how I am feeling, and I can cry.

I want him to hold me, and tell me he is sorry for saying that, that he loves me and he doesn’t care about how young I am. But I know that isn’t realistic, and life does not work that way. So we are taking our time, and I am praying as hard as I can, that our age difference is not something that we cannot overcome.