bad relationships

I have issues with my dad, which is not a secret to anyone.

Well, a couple weeks ago he decided that he wanted a relationship with me. And I was all for it, I have always wanted a father. I wanted to be able to have someone to turn to for those important decisions. The tension in the house because of the nonexistent relationship is enough to drive the rest of the family crazy.
Because of this I just stick around in my bedroom or go out. I try to make it easier on everyone, since I did not think anything could change. I keep quiet around my father while he belittles me and I make sure if he asks me to do something I do it. I try to keep the peace.

Well back to a month or so ago we had a ‘family meeting’ (my parents force us all in the same room and tell us how horrible we are doing and tell us everything that we are doing wrong and tell my brother and i if we don’t want to help out with the dishes and stuff we can find an apartment-and I totally would NOW if I could afford to support myself). During this family meeting my father started crying and was talking about how he wanted to change the way things were between him and I and he wanted to make peace and him and I can do things together to bond. He was crying.
So I opened myself up and became vulnerable to him once again (I had closed off all feelings towards him to protect myself from the hurt that he so often caused). He seemed to be making an effort to be nice to me (not call me names or yell as soon as I enter a room), but other than that there was no real change.
I would ask him to go places with me, nothing exciting because due to lack of funds, I cannot go on many exciting adventures.

‘hey dad want to go to the school with me?’
‘dad want to run to target with me?’
‘I am going to the bank want to come?

All questions resulted in a no. so I talked to my mom, she told me to back off and just wait for him to ask me to go somewhere or start a conversation. So I backed off. I stayed away as to avoid a confrontation of any type, and left well enough alone.

Fast forward to last week.
I think he had a bad day. So the name calling started up again. I just ignored it. He fell back into old patterns. Putting me down whenever he could, making sure I know he does not want me around. He tells my mom to not buy the things I like (I am a vegetarian so I eat differently than my family). When I enter a room to talk to him he ignores me, doesn’t even glance at me, he simply stares at the TV or something until I leave, when I talk he pretends he doesn’t hear me. It is like he is trying his hardest to push me away, out of his life.

I made myself vulnerable to him. I opened up and was welcoming him into my life. I had planned on embracing a relationship with my father.

It comes down to the fact that I am rather sensitive to the way my father treats me. And I had just turned off all feelings toward him, but when he cried I opened myself up. I have to protect myself. I cannot allow one man to bring me down (and he is, he really is). So therefore I have to decide if I want to continue to be open and allow him to treat me that way, and hope one day he changes. Or to simply turn off all feeling when it comes to him again and just accept the fact that I do not have a loving father.

cuddles

You know how some nights you just want to cuddle? You do not want to be alone, or on your half of the bed. You want to wrap your arms around your lover, and fall asleep in their embrace. You want to feel them breathing in and out as you fall asleep, their chin on your head. You just want to be smooshed together, as if you were one.

Well last night was one of those nights, and my cuddle pillow just was not working. The boyfriend would have worked as a perfect fix to this problem. But since he is in Michigan and I am in Minnesota, and he doesn’t want me driving all that way for a day…


And my cuddle buddy (aka the bestie) was sleeping in her own bed. My other option was my sister, and she has been cranky lately so I did not want to bother her. The option I came up with?



CHARLIE!!!

Let me tell you Charlie’s story. You know that store build-a-bear? Yea, I got him from there when I was I think a sophomore in high school. it was a thing my friends and I got into. He has TONS of clothes, his own closet, his own tent and sleeping bag. He has 2 careers. Sunglasses, tons of shoes, tons of hats, numerous outfits, boxers; pretty much everything a child’s doll would have.

Anyway, so I changed Charlie into some boxers (special for valentines day!!) and pajama pants (yes he has pajamas also) and cuddled away. Once I had him in my arms I feel asleep pretty fast.

When I woke up, I changed him into an outfit, put his glasses back on (hey I wear glasses so why cant he? And when he doesn’t have his glasses on? that means he is wearing contacts, just like me J) and before I left to the library for the day I wrapped him in his blanket, just in case he missed my cuddle.




My sister and I did some shopping, and while we were out she asked me if I missed my nephew, because her and my mom saw Charlie, and laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

I don’t see what they thought was so funny, I was just a little lonely last night..


(and if you are wondering, Charlie is a Koala.)

toothpaste

I have my own toothpaste tube. My family shares one, and I have my own. And I HIDE it. Not because I am selfish and don’t like sharing (I am actually really easy going and done mind sharing at all. If you need something and I have it, you can take it. No worries), I have my own tube because I am a picky toothpaste person.

Let me tell you about it. You know how you squeeze from the middle, NOT HAPPENING WITH MY TUBE! No way, you squeeze from the end. And as the toothpaste goes down, you bend it over, making it so it is easier to squeeze from the end.

The hard crusty stuff around the cap, and covering the hole making it impossible to get any toothpaste out? That is also banned when it comes to my tube. No hard toothpaste, no need to clean the hole in order to squeeze out the magical cleaning agent. Everything is perfect.
With my tube the cap goes right back on when you are done using it, not in the garbage the first time it gets unscrewed.

Well, my family ran out of toothpaste, so I shared my tube with them. everything seemed to be going well, every time I brush my teeth I fix the tube so that it is seems it is being squeezed from the bottom, there was no hard toothpaste, and the cap was getting placed next to the tube until I went to the bathroom and screwed it back on.

It seemed I could live with this sharing the toothpaste thing.

Until a couple days ago.
I couldn’t find the toothpaste

No need to freak out, I am sure it is somewhere. As my brother walked past the bathroom I yelled out in a [sheer panic] very calm voice ‘hey you have you seen the toothpaste?’ his answer was something like ‘I don’t brush my teeth, I drink enough alcohol that my teeth get clean without it’ or he may have said no, whatever you would like to think was his answer.
I then searched like a [crazy lady] really relaxed go with the flow person for this stupid toothpaste. And I found it. In the downstairs bathroom.

With the cap not screwed on.
Toothpaste (not yet hard) around the outside.
And squeezed from the middle.

Seriously, is my family trying to kill me here? I am trying to be nice and share MY toothpaste. Maybe sharing isn’t what caring is all about, maybe being selfish and forcing your family to get their own toothpaste and you hiding your own tube is the way to go. I am sure that will show them I care.

what i did wrong.

How to tell if the best friend is in a good mood: ask her how she is doing. If the reply is something along the lines of:

Jessica: hi! How are you doing?
Best Friend: fine? Ok whatever.


Than you know something is wrong and you can either:
a. Pry, and try to get it out of them
b. Ignore it and move on to the next subject
c. Tell them you have to go and poop, so they think you are busy and they will not interrupt you while you play Tetris.

What I did wrong? I went with option A when I should have gone with C

I hope you are all having a great day! Sorry for the lack of posts lately, just that nothing interesting is happening. Pretty much just working (HAHA) and going to school.

time goes by so fast..

Things that Jessica should do before work today:
-essay for western civilization
-discussion’s for 3 classes
-finish the book for book club
-wash sheets

Things Jessica will do before work today:
-play tetris
- stare at the screen thinking about doing school work
-waste time writing a blog
-laugh at anything that moves

I hope you enjoy your day!

3 positive things:
1.Nothing is due until Sunday
2.My friends cannot beat my score in tetris
3.I ate breakfast

story time!

I am in a horrible mood today. So instead of telling you about today, I will tell you some stories from this past week.


The besties and I went to Perkins for lunch the other day (after studying really hard in the library). I went to pay for my meal and I couldn’t find my magic money maker. I know I had it, before we left the library I checked to make sure I had the plastic card in my handy dandy awesome wallet thing. Well I went to pay, and it was not in there. Crap. Now what? I ask my friends if they have seen it, they haven’t. But one of them pipes up and says she saw it at the library. Alright so I am thinking I left it there. Or maybe someone stole it from my pocket, something. So I am thinking about how I don’t want to cancel this card and get a new one because I have the number almost memorized (damn online shopping). And right before the I completely freak out the lady behind the counter hands me back my card and tells me thank you. Yup I had already handed her the card.


When my brother moved out awhile back my parents told him ‘you are not ready to move out. So if you come back you will not have a room’ you see, my sister and I shared a room. So when he moved out my sister took over his room. So, he has been back since about November now, he sleeps on the couch. He has a dresser in the mudroom. Well, it was his choice to move out; he knew what he would have to come back to. Well, he is always complaining about not having his own space and how people are always in ‘his room’ AKA the living room when he wants to sleep. So, my father being the awesome guy he is set up a tent in the dining room (this shows how much we eat at the table) and put a sign on the tent door stating that it is my brothers apartment. My brother being the ungrateful child that he is has not slept in the tent once. He took the blankets and pillows out of the tent and is still sleeping on the couch. I guess he doesn’t want his own space that bad after all…


I had a third story to tell, but now that I am sitting here writing I can’t remember it.

Goober.

I would like to review a new product (ok it is actually really old, but I just had it for the first time).

So you know the Smackers stuff called ‘goober’ were they have the peanut butter AND jelly in one jar? They have it in like stripes, and let me tell you it looks pretty awesome.

Well I picked some of that up the other day when I was out doing some shopping. I have always wanted to try it, but have never gotten then chance.

Now I was putting it on toast and at first when you put it on the knife and spread it around you don’t see really any jelly. It looks just like a peanut butter sandwich. In my always positive mind I may or may not have thought ‘well that is stupid. Why would people but it if it just turns in to peanut butter’?

Fellow blog readers. I tell you I was wrong, oh so wrong.

The stuff is freaking AWESOME!!!

You taste the jelly AND the peanut butter. The product allows you to save time by only having to put ONE thing on your bread. It is a little more expensive than regular peanut butter but if you add the jelly in there I think you actually save money.

I cant wait for my next GOOBER sandwich!

I had my doubts, but I am a believe now.

3 positive things.
1. I am rocking this school thing.
2. I am annoying the best friend.
3. It is not snowing right now.

no drama here

I fell off the bandwagon (actually its really not a bandwagon its just something I want to do for myself, but you get the point) and I got all negative. So I am SORRY, I am trying really hard to be positive but I have to remind myself constantly to do it. And just because I am positive out loud, does not mean the same thing is happening in my head.

So.

An update? Parents seem to be fine now, maybe it was just an argument due to all of the stress? I don’t know, I am not married so I have not idea. And if that is a NORMAL married thing, to throw out the D word, then I don’t want to get married.

School starts tomorrow!! Yikes! I withdrew from all of my classes last semester because I could no handle all of the pressure. And this semester I have decided I WILL do great. I WILL get good grades. And you know why? Because I can. And I know I can. And that is all there is to it.

Quick Lucas story (here is Lucas' story) the first time he crawled? He was crawling to me!!! now doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy?

Alrighty, well I have things I gots ta do today.

So 3 positive things:
1.i have a relatively stress free day today
2.i just got out of the shower, so that means I don’t smell
3.school starts tomorrow

not daddys little girl.

Last October my father quit his job announced to the family he was going to some special school to become a truck driver, and then travel around the country. It is what he has always wanted to do. He did not talk to my mother (his wife) about any of it. He just simply did.

This left my mother shocked and not knowing what to do. She fell apart. I took care of the house and made sure my sister was taken care of. I helped out in any way that I could, and listened to her as she talked about all of the problems in her life. With my father gone she lost her partner, she lost the person she talks to the most and she did not even have a warning that it was going to happen. He just vanished.

It took a long time for everyone in the family to adjust. And finally we had done it. We knew he would be home in a couple weeks; my parents got a cell phone plan so they could keep in touch, and they were happy. Sort of.

It is not secret that I do not get along with my father. Simply put, when my father has a problem I get blamed for it. Maybe not in so many words, but he will yell at me and point out everything that I had done wrong. He will be little me and make sure I know who is boss. We do not get along. I was extremely happy when he left, there would be no one yelling at me or anything. I could finally walk free from his dictatorship. The shackles have finally been taken off.

Now fast forward to October of last year (2008 for those math whizzes out there) my father came home and announced he quit his job. Yup. No warning, did not tell my mother, did not care it was right before Christmas, did not take my mother’s feeling in to consideration, nothing. Great. That made for a happy household. Pretty much no one said anything about the topic, we just let it be.
He left for a new job in the beginning of December and I may have made it known how grateful I was that he was leaving again, the house would once again go from a place that could be compared to hell, to something that resembles a home. My mother was not too happy about me being ecstatic. She made sure to remind me my father is the one that pays for the roof over my head and the bread in my tummy. She also made sure to tell me all about how she loses her life partner and how I could never understand that. She also cried; a crying mother is the worst thing in the world, I felt horrible. It did not change the way I felt, just made it so I did not show that I was happy about my father playing Houdini again.

Well, my father came home for Christmas, and announced he was not happy with the job he was at so he will not be going back there. My mother was devastated, like she does not have enough to worry about. She now, AGAIN has to worry about how the bills are going to be paid, great.

So we are going to fast forward to about 20 minutes ago... I was in the kitchen eating some mashed potatoes for dinner (I know ya’ll are jealous) and they started having a very loud discussion. About my dad not being happy and maybe leaving the family. As in divorce. Because he is not happy. Why wouldn’t he be happy?

He might not be happy because I always stay away from him when he is home; I want him to have a good time with his family so I stay away. The only time I leave my room is when I am hungry; I guess that does not go over to well with him. He may not be happy because his oldest son is an alcoholic (blog for some other time).

If I was not around I think he would be happier. If he did not have his middle child either battling him or avoiding him, I think he would be happy. My mother said the real reason he decided to be a truck driver is so him and I would not be around each other, and that would mean I didn’t have to move out when I could not afford it. She said he was doing it because he thought it was what is best for me. It is my fault she lost her partner, the reason he abandoned her.

So if my parents get a divorce, would it be my fault?

baby crazy,

Since Lucas is here, I thought I would have some touching stories to tell, about how cute he is and how he just makes my world go ‘round. I thought I would tell you all about how much I wish I could just keep him forever, all to myself. I thought I would tell you how it makes my maternal instincts come out, and I love that. I thought it would make me feel how badly I want a child one day.

Well I was wrong.

Lucas, I love him to death, and I really do miss him when he is gone. But he cries and whines and poops and that is about all, oh and he eats.

Nothing else!

He needs constant attention, because you have to watch to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. If he is not sleeping, he is crying. Unless you do something stupid/ play the same music for the millionth time. Gah!!

Now don’t get me wrong, if he could live with us, I WOULD LOVE THAt; we would adapt and chillax with him. But he is just so much work. humpf. I am really glad I do not have a kid.

They take a lot of time, and let’s be real, I am 19 years old, I am way too selfish to have a child right now. I need my ME time.

To all those moms out there? You are awesome. I bow down to each and every one of you. its hard work.