Tuesday, January 6, 2009

not daddys little girl.

Last October my father quit his job announced to the family he was going to some special school to become a truck driver, and then travel around the country. It is what he has always wanted to do. He did not talk to my mother (his wife) about any of it. He just simply did.

This left my mother shocked and not knowing what to do. She fell apart. I took care of the house and made sure my sister was taken care of. I helped out in any way that I could, and listened to her as she talked about all of the problems in her life. With my father gone she lost her partner, she lost the person she talks to the most and she did not even have a warning that it was going to happen. He just vanished.

It took a long time for everyone in the family to adjust. And finally we had done it. We knew he would be home in a couple weeks; my parents got a cell phone plan so they could keep in touch, and they were happy. Sort of.

It is not secret that I do not get along with my father. Simply put, when my father has a problem I get blamed for it. Maybe not in so many words, but he will yell at me and point out everything that I had done wrong. He will be little me and make sure I know who is boss. We do not get along. I was extremely happy when he left, there would be no one yelling at me or anything. I could finally walk free from his dictatorship. The shackles have finally been taken off.

Now fast forward to October of last year (2008 for those math whizzes out there) my father came home and announced he quit his job. Yup. No warning, did not tell my mother, did not care it was right before Christmas, did not take my mother’s feeling in to consideration, nothing. Great. That made for a happy household. Pretty much no one said anything about the topic, we just let it be.
He left for a new job in the beginning of December and I may have made it known how grateful I was that he was leaving again, the house would once again go from a place that could be compared to hell, to something that resembles a home. My mother was not too happy about me being ecstatic. She made sure to remind me my father is the one that pays for the roof over my head and the bread in my tummy. She also made sure to tell me all about how she loses her life partner and how I could never understand that. She also cried; a crying mother is the worst thing in the world, I felt horrible. It did not change the way I felt, just made it so I did not show that I was happy about my father playing Houdini again.

Well, my father came home for Christmas, and announced he was not happy with the job he was at so he will not be going back there. My mother was devastated, like she does not have enough to worry about. She now, AGAIN has to worry about how the bills are going to be paid, great.

So we are going to fast forward to about 20 minutes ago... I was in the kitchen eating some mashed potatoes for dinner (I know ya’ll are jealous) and they started having a very loud discussion. About my dad not being happy and maybe leaving the family. As in divorce. Because he is not happy. Why wouldn’t he be happy?

He might not be happy because I always stay away from him when he is home; I want him to have a good time with his family so I stay away. The only time I leave my room is when I am hungry; I guess that does not go over to well with him. He may not be happy because his oldest son is an alcoholic (blog for some other time).

If I was not around I think he would be happier. If he did not have his middle child either battling him or avoiding him, I think he would be happy. My mother said the real reason he decided to be a truck driver is so him and I would not be around each other, and that would mean I didn’t have to move out when I could not afford it. She said he was doing it because he thought it was what is best for me. It is my fault she lost her partner, the reason he abandoned her.

So if my parents get a divorce, would it be my fault?


  1. whoa, wow.
    I mean I knew some of this, but not to that extent and just wow.
    that's alot dude.
    and no i wouldn't blame yourself. if they do it's because it's not working for them , it's there relationship. i don't want you blaming yourself. thats a tough situation. sorry.
    talk to me anytime you want chica. i am here for you.

  2. Don't you dare blame this on yourself. This is your dad's issue. If he truly cared about his family and his life with ALL of you, then he would work on it, go to counseling, something.

    I don't know the whole history, but I would say that you should in no way blame yourself.