**this is a personal topic that I have not talked about at all before. Just something that ya know, I FEEL. And since this is my blog I get to decide what to write about. Lucky you.
***also, this may make me sound like a crazy person. Please take this as your warning.
I have never been one of those crazy ladies that likes babies, that coos whenever there is a young one in the room. I have never felt the urge to hold every child that was willing to sit still in my arms. I have never felt that, just not my cup of tea. I felt no need to have children, I am fine without them. Why does everyone see the need to populate the world with little minions of themselves out there? Again, no thank you ma’am.
And then Lucas was born. Lucas is my nephew. The best nephew ever, yes EVER. The moment I saw him in his little box in the little ‘we aren’t supposed to be born yet’ section of the hospital, I could not help but love him. looking at his little face, he was only about 2 pounds, but he was strong. He held his daddies finger (my brother) and would hold on. he was a little ball of innocents. A little ball for me to love. As an aunt I cannot do much, except spoil him. since money is tight right now, I cannot spoil him with materialistic items like I would like to do. Instead I can be here for him when he gets older, love him all the time and just be the best person I can be for the little man.
That would be a lot easier to do if he did not live in Texas. He moved there when he was a couple months old (2 weeks after he left the hospital) and we have only seen him once since then. I miss him. I really do. I feel that I have so much love to give and no one to give it to.
Lucas has changed my life. He is not even a year old yet, but he has done it. He changed the way I see babies. He has changed the way I look at people that want kids.
I now want a child. Now, don’t think I have gone all crazy. I do not want one now, just some time in my life.
I want to love that baby that came from me (or adopted) I want to feel their innocents in my body, through my soul, touching my heart. I want that. I want to have the power to change a poopy diaper and know that I am helping that little thing survive the day. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby until he goes back to sleep. I want to love it. I simply want something to love. Something to love and call my own.
I want to be the person a child goes to when they have had a bad day. I want to be the answer to all of their problems. I want to teach a child life lessons. I want a child to teach ME life lessons. I want to be able to say ‘yea that one, yea the one in the teenage mutant ninja turtle shirt, shes mine. Her father dressed her today…’ I want to get up in the morning knowing there is more than me that needs to be take care of. I want to take care of bullies on the play ground. I want to watch their t-ball games or dance classes, whatever they want to get in to, I will be supportive.
I want to be able to stop the pain with a kiss, to say it is all right and have them believe me. I want to get upset and mad and irritated at something the little one did. I want to revolve my life around the child. I want to make them happy. I want to stop their pain. I want to protect them from all of the dangers in the world until they are ready to experience it.
I want to go shopping for her first sports bra. Get him ready for his first date. I want to be the embarrassing mom that tells them she loves her kids when dropping them off at the movies.
I want to freak out when they drive for the first time, do the break thing on the passengers side. I want to make them feel better with trips to a favorite store or long drives in the country. I want to listen to their endless gossip about people I do not know.
I want to cry at their wedding, take millions of pictures of that day, tell embarrassing stories about their childhood.
I want to help them make the BIG decisions. I want my words to influence them.
I want to trust them to make the right decisions in life when I am not around. I want them to believe in a higher power. I want them to be all that they can be. I want them to be able to survive this world.
I want to watch them grow from small little piles of poop and boogers to sophisticated woman and men. I want to be proud of them, and I want them to be proud of me.
I want them to be stronger than I am.
I want them to need me.
So there it is, I am retracting all of those statements I have made previously about not wanting a child. Because, I do want one.
Thank you Lucas for showing me this. I love you.