I find that since I am getting older, my bra is more common as a place to store things. My pedomeder is in there every day. tampons are stored, sometimes my ID and credit card. It amuses me I have grown so casual about what I have in my bra.. good thing my chest needs as much extra padding as it can get.
I am going to MCTC this fall. Its about a mile from my house so it will be easy for me to walk or bike there. which will save money on transportation. On the rainy/bad/lazy days I can always take a bus as well. I will be going to a degree in social work, focusing on young children.
I told Gord that for every pound I lose he will be spending $3 on me. it is a great motivator. So far he needs to spend $12 and its only been a week.. so things are starting to look good on that front.
My sister had her baby! I have pictures, I just haven’t uploaded them yet, but this weekend I will make sure to do that. I tell him that I am his favorite person so when he is older he will unconsciously know I am his favorite…
I get to see Kristen on Sunday! Meeting at the library. Gotta get stuff done! like the application for MCTC and the baby pictures. Its also good to get out of the house.
My house is clean! Well sort of. but it is better than it was! I need to do laundry, but I have all weekend and next week to do that. I still have clean socks so I am OK for now.
I get to nanny again next week! I am sooo excited. I love those kids very much, and I miss them a lot when I don’t get to see them.
Anywho, my nails are probably dry now so I can get up and do something. OH! That reminds me! I also started doing ZUMBA! Which is super fun. AND I my be going to Disney land!!! And Gord and I are going to NY for new years! EEKK! A lot going on. just the way I like it.
The first time Gordon and I met, I had lost a lot of weight and was very proud of myself for doing it. I did it for me. I did it to be healthy and to have a better life. The second time he saw me I had lost even more.
And then he told me he is not ‘physically attracted to me’ he prefers ‘athletically fit women’
So pretty much everything I am not.
He said this at the end of November. Since then I have not been able to lose any weight. I have though, managed to gain a lot of it back.
I look in the mirror and all I think about is how ugly and fat I am. there are times when I think about it and end up crying (sorta like today). Because I don’t know what to do.
He loves me, and I love him. but he doesn’t want to touch me. at all. The thought of touching me grosses him out (he has never said that, its just what I have in my head).
I need to get over this somehow (if that is possible) because I want to be healthy. For myself. And to be honest, I want him to want me as well.
I want to have sex. Lots and lots of sex. But he barely can even kiss me.
Because I am ugly and fat.
And I am trying to change that, but its not working; and I am struggling with it more and more as time goes on.
So I had a dream about a purse. It was beautiful and robins egg blue and square and amazing. In my head I still picture it and I want it SO BADLY, but I cannot find the purse of my dreams anywhere.
Socializing is hard. I enjoy being alone. I honestly do. but every weekend there are different people that want to see me that I haven’t seen in months. And although this makes me seem like I am awesome and people obviously love me, its hard. how did I get so many friends? I don’t need them all. But they are all important to me, that is why I go out with them all. And to be honest, once I do go out with them, I have a great time and am glad I was forced out of my house.
Speaking of which, is a total mess. Has been for awhile now, due to having to socialize.
There are a few of you –ahem Dago and Pepin- that I have sent emails to and have not yet heard a response which makes me worry.
I don’t know if I announced this on my blog or not yet but, I told Gord that either we will be engaged by the end of the year, or I am walking away. I don’t mind a long engagement but I do mind being in a relationship that’s not going anywhere.
I am throwing my sister a baby shower. Yes I am. the baby could be here any minute now (she isn’t due until March 16th but doctor said she could pop any time now, the baby is in THAT position).
I am nannying still, and omg the THREE kids amaze me every day.
….I also now have a car seat in my car Monday thru Friday…
I hope everyone is having a great February and a great year so far! Im off to take a bubble bath.
Don’t judge.
My alarm clock wakes me up in the morning at 8am every day; and every day I turn it off and tell myself I should sleep in, I am not ready for the day yet. And I go back to sleep and when I wake up all refreshed and ready for the day I get out of bed and figure out my plan (I like having a plan). And then I look at the clock and its always around 8:10am.
Yea, my body lets me sleep in for a whopping 10 minutes. And I elliptical it, because that is what my body is telling me it wants and shower and yadda yadda boring every day stuff.
Well today, I woke up and was exhausted. So I went back to bed.
And when I woke up I still felt exhausted, so I looked at the clock, it was 11:00am. so I forced myself out of bed and I forced myself on the elliptical.
And my body yelled at me. and told me NO I CANT DO THIS TODAY. Which was odd, so I told myself YES YOU CAN but I couldn’t, I felt horrible so after 2 minutes I got off. And I was hot, like super hot. Not like a ‘I worked out so hard’ hot it was a ‘I think I have a fever’ hot.
And it hit me.
I am getting sick. I have a sore throat that I was ignoring, and I have had the flemmy thing going on for a few days and yesterday I was coughing.
So I am in bed. and it is 12:02pm and I have to shower and get ready for work soon. But I just want to just lay here and lay here until Sunday.
Here is a picture for reading my boring story
Two posts in one month… wow I must be going crazy!
I wanted to update everyone on how the 400 miles in a year is going. To be honest, its going very slow. So far I am only at 13.5 miles. BUT I think that is a great start! And my goal is to do 20 miles by the end of January, and I am on track for that. and then I need 40 miles in February and in march to be on track to 400 this year; so I have my work cut out for me.
Also! I am thinking about going to school to become a sonography (ultrasound) tech. I still have things to work out but as for now I am thinking of moving into a dorm room in the fall and living off of student loans for 3 years to go to school and get a career in ultrasounds! I am very excited for it; but I have not decided anything yet. But right now, in all honesty, it feels like a great fit for me.
I am being responsible again this year, and it is off to a good start. I feel like being positive and going after the things you want really does work out. I just have to commit to something and follow through..which is much harder than it sounds. But I am started off on the right foot with disciplining myself on the elliptical.
Please wish me luck in all that I am aiming for, I am going to need a lot of support in order to accomplish it.
Cheers
J.
