reasons

Ladies and gents! The reason why I have been working so hard this summer!

I didn’t do too well in my classes. But, I have figured out why. Now, as of now I am expelled from school and in order to get back in I have to appeal and here is the letter I wrote, this should explain a few things. (there is one part I have highlighted because I have to work on it. I also have to read through and edit it once more, so if you find mistakes please tell me)

Throughout my schooling I have never been one to get into trouble. I never got detention, always turned assignments in, and had never even skipped a class; and then I got into college. My first year was pretty decent. There were a couple troubled spots but for the majority I did well. I could improve those spots, and everything would be well. But then as I entered my second year of college something scary happened.
I started skipping my classes, for no reason other than I didn’t want to be there; completely not like me. I could not concentrate in the classes and decided I could not handle it. I felt too overwhelmed and decided that I must take time off of school to figure out what was wrong with me. That is when I withdrew from all of my classes. It was during that time I realized it did not matter what I wanted or how I felt, I simply needed to go to school and do my best, and I need to better myself. I then worked everything out so I was able to go to school once again in the spring.
I decided since going to class overwhelmed and I had been skipping I would take online classes. Everything was going well for most of the semester and then for some reason I lost focus. I was not doing the assignments, just because I didn’t feel like doing them. I couldn’t force myself to do them, I would much rather go to a movie with a friend than sit down and write a paper or read an assignment. I didn’t understand what was wrong, I knew it was not like me, but for some reason I was not able to sit down and focus on school.
When I realized I did not pass my classes, I did a lot of thinking. I need to be in school. Failing my classes is not acceptable to me; it is a waste of money, money that a lot of people that are actually going to pass their classes could use. I was (and still am) very angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I was not able to come up with the reason for my short comings; and then it hit me.
All of my life I have known what I want for my big picture. My plan was to become an attorney. I would go to community college, transfer to a university, and then off to law school. During my first year in college that changed, and by the time I started my second year of college I no longer wanted that as my career. I had a hard time focusing because I had nothing to focus on. I felt very lost for the first time in my life. I believe everyone goes through this at some point or another in their life.
I then talked to a very good friend of mine and he helped me figure some stuff out. There is a painter that used to be on PBS named Bob Ross. Ross focuses on painting bushes and trees and streams, and does not focus on the big pictures. He knows that while he works on the small details, making them his goal, the big picture will work itself out. My friend helped me realize that I do not have to work on the big pictures; I just have to focus painting the bushes, getting my generals. He helped me find what I need to focus on, and that was my problem.
As soon as I found out that I had done very poorly in my classes I came up with a way to save money so I can take two classes in the fall. My goal is to get the credits that are needed to raise my GPA, and once that is done I will focus on getting my generals. I will focus on the small goals (such as passing my classes) and leave the big picture up to God. I am determined to do as well as I know I can. This was my wake up call, and I do not need another one.

cat toys

Suddenly I find that life has taken a turn (mostly for the better) and I have no free time. I am working all day, almost every day and then I get home and have to clean and do laundry and sleep. I am finding that I have almost no time to even hang out with friends. So my goal is to post on days I don’t work, so about twice a week. I am sorry if you feel neglected but we all know life takes president over posting.

I am so busy I don’t even have time to read other peoples blogs! Eek! So now, an actual post.
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I am house sitting this week. it is rather exciting, I get my own place until Friday. That means that I have to do a lot of cleaning tomorrow… but.. that’s okay; totally worth it.

You know the twist tie you get from the bread? Ya know, the one that keeps the bag closed? Well, I found it in the dog bowl. So super awesome Me, decided to take it out and put it on the counter, only to walk back into the kitchen and find it in the dog bowl again. err… weird. So, I took it out again and placed it on the counter. This happened a couple times before I realized it was the cat doing this.. yea.. not my brightest moment.

So I kept taking it out, he kept putting it in. then, one morning I woke up and found it in the water bowl. I almost peed my pants with laughter. I am not used to cats, so these super cute things they do, come as a surprise. Since I am oh so mature, I put the twist tie in the cats food bowl. I thought I had out witted the cat.

A couple days later I was sitting on my computer. And guess what I watch?

I see the cat pick up the twist tie, put it in its teeth to carry, jump off the counter, walk over to where I am sitting. And very nonchalantly, place it in my handbag.

NOT COOL!!!

So, after I calmed down and stopped laughing, I decided to simply leave it in my handbag, just in case.

baking

I baked.

For fun.

What is happening to me?

I was using my stumble button (for those of you with firefox I would strongly recommend it) and found this recipe.

We had all the ingredients and I actually got REALLY excited to bake them.

It is super simple and they are pretty good.

They are not the best things out there, but hey, I am the one that baked them.
I was then so excited with how they turned out I sent Kristen a plateful.

I hope her family likes them. (btw- the picture was taken after I put the press and seal stuff on it)

Bestie- you would have gotten some also but you don’t like coconut. The main ingredient.

I must be turning into Betty Crocker over here, waking up excited to bake.

I also cleaned out my closet today! Nothing exciting was found though.

P.S- I am working on the fountain pic Sage, I just honestly keep forgetting about it until the wee hours of the morning.

P.S the pictures? taken with my cell phone!

red light, green light.

After working for six days straight, it is hard to sit still. I work in retail so I am on my feet all day and running around. After that many days you get used to it. Today I didn’t have to work and I didn’t know what to do. I sort of woke up and got dressed and ran out and got stuff for my lunches this week. I then came home and twirled my thumbs and decided to clean my bedroom.

I got to the point that a person vacuums. It’s not bad, and relatively easy (I don’t like the cleaning part before it). My mom has this SUPER AWESOME vacuum that has a red light on it, and when that light turns green that means the carpet is clean.

Great idea right? That way you know when the floor is clean and you got all of the crumbs and everything up.

Well not so great when the damn thing won’t turn green.

I think I was vacuuming the same spot for 15 minutes before I came to the realization that the magic light is broken.

I just hope my mom doesn’t mind that my dirty floor broke it.

mothers day.. a little late.

*I wrote this awhile ago but didn’t like how it sounded, so I am reworking it and posting it now*

Mothers Day is coming up, just a couple weeks away. Go moms!

Well, I always come up with gift ideas for everyone and always attach my sister’s name to it, or say it’s from her. It’s just how it works. Well, for the past two years my sister is in charge of the mother’s day gift. Yes, I do pay for it since my sister doesn’t have a job; but it is her responsibility to come up with a great gift for our mom.

My sister found the perfect gift.

The other day our parents went out shopping for parenty things (toilet paper, eggs, milk, shovels, ya know)

And they came home and my mother told my sister about this outdoor fountain she wants really bad, but my father says she does not need a fountain for her garden.

PERFECT MOTHERS DAY GIFT!!!!!

So my sister and I tell my parents we are going out shopping, to target and leave the house. We are full of giggles and excitement.

We get to wal-mart, the store my sister tells me it is at and go to the garden center. We don’t see the fountain my mom talked about. So we ask a sales associate about it.

Me: hi, my parents were here yesterday and they saw a fountain, I was wondering where the fountains are?
Lady: oh sure they are right over there

She points at a wall FULL of fountains.
Crap.
The lady is nice and stays there, in case we need help and I ask my sister what the fountain looked like.

We have no idea. All we know is the price. So we tell this lady the price. There are no fountains that cost that.

Are we sure it is the right wal-mart?
Yup.

So I call my dad up and ask him about it, tell him we just want to see it.

Yea the fountain is at Fleet Farm (my fav store ever, almost).

Oops. Wrong store.

So we ventured over to fleet farm and got this darn fountain.

Totally awesome by the way.

Well, in our excitement of getting this fountain and not wanting our parents to go out and buy it. We then gave it to my mom, just a little early.

The fountain is now in the living room. Because she says it’s to pretty to get put outside.


(its STILL in the living room)

friendly ghost

Lucas is walking!!! Well, he has been for a couple weeks but I thought I would tell you about the best Nephew Ever, just so all of you are updated.

You know when you have those dreams and you wake up and are like ‘uhhhh what?’ and there is no way you can explain it because no matter how hard you try, it is just so weird people won’t get it.

Let me give you an example.

A couple nights ago I had a dream I was a ghost. But for some reason J and Grant (ghost hunters...hello. everyone should know that) could see me and we decided to play tricks on the other members of the crew. And so,they would send them to a certain area and I would go through the walls (like Casper!) And since they couldn’t see me I would touch them, or move things or pull on their jackets. Anything to freak them out. They were convinced the place was haunted. So they would call Jason and Grant and tell them about how crazy the EMF detector was and how they should get up there so they could experience it as well. And then of course they would come up and we would laugh our heads off. Because we are very mature.

Well then someone from TAPS called Sam and Dean (supernatural) and so there was this big case because I was a ghost but I wasn’t like normal ghosts. And so they didn’t do their magic with me because I apparently could help them later on, and I was hot and we all know how Dean is...

And it went on from there.

Crazy right?

Why was I the ghost?

And why did I have to be DEAD before I got to experience an actual paranormal investigation.

shopping trip

Last week I went on an adventure.

For those of you that know me, you know my vibrator broke. The top that turned it on came apart. And I fixed it for a couple days but then it was making me mad, so that was the end of that. I ended up going back to my roots and getting off my using things I found around the house.

Until Wednesday.

I decided to go to the sex store, all by myself, without telling anyone, and pick out a new toy.

So that morning I woke up, got ready and drove to the nearest toy store for adults. I wasn’t nervous at all. The people that work there deal with this every day. To them it’s not a big deal.

I parked my car. And got scared. I must have sat in my car for a good 20 minutes before getting the courage to walk inside. As I did that, I felt as if everyone that was passing me had their eyes on me, and they were shaking their head in disapproval. So, I stuck my nose a little further in the air and pushed the door open.

I was greeted with a woman asking for my ID. As I handed it to her I wondered if she noticed my hand shaking. She Okayed me to enter the store and I skipped to the ‘woman’s toys’ section. As I browsed the store I giggled in my head as a passed the ‘anal bead’ section and a couple of the other toys, thank goodness none escaped out of my lips.

I looked at the toys and ventured around for a little while looking for something to catch my eye. The woman must have thought I looked suspicious because she came up and asked me if I wanted help with anything. I told her no, I was just looking and she said ok. She then told me if I wanted to see how anything worked I could bring it up to her and she would show me!!! Oh the jokes that entered my head... I told her thank you and continued looking.

I finally found a toy that I was looking for and walked very slowly to the register. She then asked me if I wanted to check it out and test it before I bought it. I told her it would be ok. She then told me that if it doesn’t work I can’t return it. I told her to get some batteries.

She put the batteries in it and turned it on. She then handed it to me asking ‘is this strong enough’. At this point I said thank you to God for not making me a blusher. I told her yes, it would be fine. And she then commented on how people need different things and that matters and I agreed with her and I caught myself in a conversation about the strength of vibrators.

I then paid and walked out of the store.

With my black bag.

Happy as can be. I was no longer embarrassed about having this toy in my hand.

When I got home I actually didn’t rush to my bedroom. I had a conversation with my mom and talked to her for a little while and then went up to my room and tried out my new toy.

Well, it wouldn’t turn on. I am not kidding you.

I freaked out, I know it worked in the store; I had the batteries the right way (alright so I may have tried all ways and no matter what it didn’t work). I was not happy. I was looking for the receipt so I could call and ask her what was wrong with it. And just at that moment I got it to work.

A smile spread across my face and I settled into my bed, ready for some action.

*note to friends- I didn’t tell you guys any of this because I wanted you to be surprised as you read this blog post. Don’t get mad please.

letting go

When Adam and I broke up I did not change my relationship status on facebook or myspace. Because that would finalize it. That would mean he is officially not mine any more (crying already) and I did not want that at all. I know we had broken up and I was single, I made that well known. But he still made my day brighter. I still enjoyed talking to him just as much, and we still talked like a couple.

One of the most amazing things about Adam is that he doesn’t want sex, he wants to make love. He doesn’t want to just get off, he wants the connection of being with someone, and he wants that closeness, that intimacy. For him it is a very big deal. It’s about showing how you feel, showing that person how much you love them.

I am the only girl Adam has ever wanted to any of that with.

When I think about Adam, I can’t think of anything wrong with him, there is nothing I would change about him. He is perfect. He has helped me grow as a person tremendously since we have started talking. He has made me feel more comfortable with my body and much more confident.

Because of him I will stick up for myself more and actually do things for me, and not to please other people.

I had to ask him to let me go, so I could move on.

That was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. Because giving Adam up is like giving up the sky. There is no one in this world that I like more than Adam. The first thing I do in the morning is go online to see if I have anything new from him. I make sure to be online around 2:30 so I can talk to him when he gets home from work. Having five minutes with him is much better than not talking at all.

When I asked him to let me go, I felt as if the world was falling down on me. I can’t talk about it without crying.

I still feel very strongly that he is The One for me, but I can’t sit around and wait for someone that won’t be in an actual relationship with me.

Adam and I are each other’s rocks. And we always will be. I won’t allow him to stop talking to me, he is my best friend and he can’t do that. I need him more than he will ever know. Right now I think he needs space, and I am fine with that. I broke his heart last night and that is the worst thing in the world, I know the pain.

This morning I came online and changed my facebook and myspace status to single.
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I have met a new guy. And he is incredible, I can find no flaws in him (to be honest, I haven’t even looked). I enjoy talking to him every time we talk and there is potential with him. Do I feel for him as strongly as I feel for Adam? No, but give it time and I may.

The bestie and this guy, let’s call him Sweetie, had been friends for a very long time. He wanted more than friendship with her, but she decided not to pursue that. She believed there was no way a relationship would work due to the fact he lives in AZ. Him and I started talking and hit it off really well. It wasn’t planned or anything. The Bestie has hurt feelings now and she is very upset about the situation. I told her (and Adam) that if she is unable to handle me talking to him and maybe starting a relationship with him, she needs to tell me and I will stop talking to him. The friendship with her is more important than any guy ever will be.

Since she has been so angry with me and yelling at me every time we try to talk, I have been giving her space. I haven’t been talking to her very much and I haven’t been telling her what is going on with me. Because I honestly can’t handle her yelling and being mad at me.

I have told Sweetie the issues and what is going on. The Bestie has taken this to mean something that it is not, and she is very jealous. I will tell her, she is the person I want to tell, but I can’t handle the fighting and her yelling at me.
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I will post later about some of the other stuff that is going on. I promise I have a couple good stories to tell as well.

phoney

I do not want this blog to turn into a place where I come and complain about my problems. I want this blog to be just a fun place that I talk about everything, a place I can go to get away from everything and just be happy.

Right now, honestly, I can’t really think of anything good to write about. Yes, there are good things going on, but blog worthy? Not really.

Something that is happening/happened?

I am totally a texter now.

Oh yea. I was doing like 600-1200 a day, but now that is down to a couple hundred. I love it when people randomly text me, just to say hi or to tell me a joke or something.

I love how conversations in text are almost never serious. They are usually just to tell people what you are doing or to say hi. I love that.

I love the simplicity.

I am also finding I enjoy talking on the phone (has to be after 9 though).

Apparently in 2.5/3 weeks my night and weekend minutes was 3500, that is CRAZY! I wouldn’t even classify myself as a phone person.

Need someone to random text? Email me your number and I will for sure text you some craziness.

clippings

There is a lot going on right now, so much so I feel as if I am neglecting writing to you all. Here are some clippings of what is going on:

*school is ending in a couple weeks
*the family now knows my baby sister is on birth control
*my grandma is not mad at me anymore for not going up there for Easter
* I am talking to my mom again
*the bestie is so upset at me right now she can’t handle even looking at me
*I feel like a really bad person because I am doing something completely for me
*I am going to be house sitting in June
*Adam and I are still besties
*I made brownies
*I tried the flat bread at subway and really liked it
*my sister and I decided I totally get Dean and she gets Sam if the need ever arises.
*previous statement was then followed by this conversation
Sister: that’s ok because you get a dick and I get someone with an actual heart.
Me: how do you know Sam has a heart? He is part demon. And HELLO Dean has gone to hell, how would you deal with that?
Sister: yea you’re right, that means we don’t know if he has a soul or not. I don’t think he does

*I got a new shirt
*trying to save money for a summer class

I am sorry I cant give you an actual post. Maybe tomorrow?