I am a terrorist.

I don’t think my mother loves me, I think she just wants me to leave. And to not return.

I have a theory: my mother sees me as a terrorist

Terrorists: bring new ideas
I: bring new ideas

Terrorists: have different hobbies than those around them (unless they are surrounded by other terrorists)
I: enjoy things that neither my parents nor my siblings enjoy

Terrorists: people find them unpleasant to be around
I: am found by my mother, to be unpleasant to be around

Terrorists: are never invited to anything
I: am also excluded from things my sister and mother go to

Terrorists: are not talked to. We simply tell them how much we dislike them, and see them as wrong
I: am also not conversed with, but my mother makes sure to tell me that I cannot do anything right, and that she does not like anything I do

Terrorists: practice and practice to try and do everything perfectly, so that nothing can go wrong, but something always seems to go wrong
I: no matter how hard I try to be perfect for my mother, I seem to always get something wrong

Terrorists: we talk about their failures, we make sure to tell everyone that will listen how they screwed up
I: am talked about when I do something wrong. My mother makes her rounds on the phone to inform everyone about what I have done.

Terrorists: we find fault in everything they say
I: always say something wrong according to my mother

Terrorists: have extreme views, that are much different from our own
I: have very strong views that are much different than my mothers

Terrorists: we want them far away from us
I: am not wanted around my mother

I think the proof speaks for itself. I am a terrorist in my mothers’ life. Too bad I am not willing to go and hijack a plane just yet.

comments on comments

Max said...
Write about some thing funny, or exciting!
July 8, 2010 7:23 PM



Dear Max,
Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog. I am sorry I have not written to meet your standard of ‘funny or exciting’. If you look on the right side of the screen you can see all of my past blog posts, maybe some of those will be what you are looking for.

As it happens, right now it is summer. I am busy. And I know that is not an excuse, but to be honest, nothing ‘funny or exciting’ is really happening that is blog worthy. Thank you for the advice, and if you come up with anything that is ‘funny or exciting’ that you think I should write about, please let me know.
Thank you.
Jessica




Prateek said...
Sounds a lot like me. You should go through my blog post:
http://prateek203.tumblr.com/post/657099950/tired

We've very same thoughts, specially about being good to others...
June 29, 2010 1:14 AM


Prateek-
I HAVE stopped by your blog! and I TOTALLY agree with you! some of the things you have said I am like ‘woah that sounds like what I think, but cannot find the words to say it’. I really do enjoy your blog, and thank you for reading.

days 4-9

(I should clear up that I am writing these to Gordon, he is doing them as well, but his are not mine to post)

Day 04 → something you have to forgive someone for. (Wednesday)

I have to forgive my brother for abandoning me. I don’t think I ever will.




Day 05 → something you hope to do in your life. (Thursday)

I want to be a mom. Either adopt or have them myself, doesn’t matter to me. I know that I will be a great mother.




Day 06 → something you hope you never have to do. (Friday)

I never want to let people down. It really upsets me when I let someone down, way more than it should. I want to please everyone, and it doesn’t matter what that means for me, as long as the other person is happy.





Day 07 → someone who has made your life worth living for. (Saturday)

You. Everything feels like it makes sense and connects with you. You teach me so much about myself, EVERY DAY. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to eat healthy that way when we have kids, I won’t complain about it, and they will be healthier because of it. You make sure I know its okay if I do things for myself, and its okay if those things interfere with the time you and I have together, because you won’t get upset and you won’t make me feel bad for them. You have taught me that there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect just the way I am. Every day with your kindness, and how much love you have for me, it makes me a more confident and better person.

Day 08 → someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (Sunday)

My father.





Day 09 → someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (Monday)

I think I am the drifter. I get bored with people, and unless they put in a really big effort and make me talk to them and make me hang out with them, I drift away. I have been friends with Stacy and Kristen for such a long time because they FORCE me to hang out with them, and that is a really good thing. I can’t think of anyone that has drifted away from me that I didn’t want to let go of. But I know there are people that I drifted away from that are not happy about that.

Day 2 and 3

Day 2
Something you love about yourself.

I love that I can overcome any challenge that gets handed to me. no matter how big it is, I won’t back down. I guess it can be considered ‘stubborn’ but really, I don’t think it is.


Day 3
What is something you have to forgive yourself for?

I have to forgive myself for making mistakes. When I do something, I put all of me into it. When I play travian, when I get REALLY involved in travian I put everything into it. I put my heart into it. I put my personality out there (that’s why I get so upset and you are all ‘love it’s just a game’ but I put a lot of ME into the game). I have to learn that it’s okay to put myself entirely out there, and if something goes wrong and I do something wrong, its okay. I am still me. Not being in school is a mistake, I KNOW that. But I know me, and I know if I go back right now I will just fuck up again. So I have to find focus and passion. And then I can go back. Because I will go back. When I am ready. I made a mistake with you, and I lied. And I know it’s something I did, and it changed us (I know we don’t talk about it, but I know we both know it). I just know it won’t happen again, and I do things to show you it won’t happen again. Because that is all I can do.

I make a lot of mistakes. I think it’s because I am so passionate, and I don’t think before I act. So something I have to forgive myself for putting myself out there, and making those mistakes. Because it’s okay. And I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

30 day challenge

Day One
Something you hate about yourself.



This is easy for me, there are so many things that I hate about myself. Tomorrow will be a lot harder.

I hate that I care so much about what other people think of me. It takes a lot of courage for me to be myself. I am really different and awkward. I am super quiet when I am not comfortable. I am always thinking about what other people think about me. wondering if they see me as normal. I hate that I have such a hard time being myself. Standing up for what I believe in, and doing things for me.

I hate that my past has such a big impact on my everyday life. I get scared sometimes, and I would never admit this to anyone, but I get scared that because of my past I will never be able to be a good person. and I know I am a great person, it just comes naturally to me. but I am always worried it is never enough, because I must have done something horrible to go through the things I went through.

I hate my body. I hate that I hate my body.

You told me once that you used to only go for girls that were perfect. And I hate that I will never be perfect, so I may not be enough for you.

I hate that I cannot express my hatred aloud because it is considered a sin in the bible. So I don’t talk about things if I dislike them. I keep everything inside of me, because I do not want to sin.

I hate how easy it is for me to come up with so many bad things about myself, but its hard to come up with things I view as good about myself.

my fault

I am sorry I haven’t been around very much recently, it is all my fault, I know that.

Lucas was here! We got to see him for a few hours. I got a kiss and a hug, I cannot believe he is almost three!

The gym and I are become great friends! I have a hard time though when there are a lot of other people around.. I am jealous and I like not having to share it.

I spent the night at Kristens house on Saturday, twas fun but not enough tequila.

I have become a lazy texter.

I went on some adventures earlier this summer and I have pictures and I am making it my goal this week to get those up here and show you! I think some of them are pretty good!

I will be house sitting in July, I am nervous about it because the lady doesn’t have internet OR cable OR air conditioning!

I am proud to say that I am doing well in the bookclub. I am enjoying meeting new people and going new places.

So far, my summer is really going well. I hope the rest of the year goes this well!

sisters

My sister goes grocery shopping with my mom and picks out the cereal that she would like to have. Then she comes home and before anyone else (really only me) can see it, she hides that box.

I know she hides it because every couple of weeks I wake up and get really excited; I see a box of some REALLY AWESOME cereal on the counter and get a bowl out. I get all excited and plan on filling my bowl to the brim with this awesome cereal, only to pick up the box and find it empty.

So, I do what anyone in my situation would do. I get my favorite cereal knowing that my sister doesn’t like it, and put it in the cupboard. I eat it in the mornings and enjoy waking up to cereal.

Well, yesterday (Friday) I had cereal and knew there was only enough in the box for one more bowl. So I was going to wake up on Saturday morning and have it.

The plans got changed.

My dad came home, and as it turns out his favorite cereal is the same as my favorite cereal.

I had to have toast for breakfast this morning.

I think I am going to hide cereal as well.

Or look harder and find where my sister hides hers.

one hurdle

I enjoy masturbating. I enjoy masturbating, a lot. About 3 times a day, more times on a good day. when I am stressed out, I masturbate. When I am sad I masturbate, when I have a headache or am sick, I think you can guess what I do.

There is nothing other than being too tired to do it that stops me. it is easy to put me in the mood, and unless I am super tired, I will be up for it. why not? Why not have an orgasm?

So, I am used to doing it whenever I want, as often as I want. But being in a relationship has changed that. I try to wait until he is home from work, and we can do it together. That means usually we can do it at night (after 9- have to wait for those free minutes to kick in). so about once a day. Monday thru Fridays, weekends are rather easy as we have all day.

I can do it whenever I want, I know that. but I always feel a wee bit selfish when I do it without him. because his sex drive is just as high as mine (maybe even higher…) and I know how hard he works and how much he enjoys doing it together as well. So, I try to wait. But once a day, five days a week is NOT enough for me. I need more.

And we can do it twice at night, but then after the second time he gets exhausted and falls asleep within 15 minutes, and I sort of like to talk a little more than that. so, we can play my favorite game ‘Jessica gets to orgasm and you get to listen’, but then I feel like a tease (and hey, lets face it, I am a tease).

This is just one of the hurdles we face in a long distance relationship.

At least I get to think about him whenever I masturbate.

productivity

Things I did today (because I know you all care)
• At work today I totally put together a sailboat (twas fake), I think I am ready to take on the real thing now.
• I made an egg today for lunch and followed my instincts, when I smelled something burning I flipped the egg (my cooking skills are improving!)
• I realized today when mothers day is this year.
• I laughed really hard at ‘sneaky gays’ via Sue Sylvester’s (sp) news broadcast
• When I was running my errands I wore my winter jacket.
• After being cold in my bedroom for about a week now, I finally got the courage to shut my bedroom window
• I shed a tear or two when thinking about how often Gord works, and how little I get him
• Smiled when I saw gas prices are starting to go down again
• Laughed at my dog when she had to go outside in the rain
• Decided I love mini peanut butter cups (yum)

Wewh, what a productive day. now I am starving and have to go to the grocery store and decide what to have for dinner..

list of 10

It is time again for a positive/happy/ in love with list. Because I am having a rather downer of a day, and need something to cheer me up.

1. The trees are green! Yay!!
2. I love being in a book club! I love getting together with them and meeting new friends and having a grand ‘ol time.
3. I am really in love with Disney’s ‘I just can’t wait to be king’ song from the lion king. I must say, I do a phenomenal job of acting out that song. Eye rolls and ROARS and everything.
4. I am really lucky that Heracio is such a cuddly bunny. I love wrapping him in my arms and giving him a kiss or two or ten.
5. Naps with Maggie (or dog)!!!! I love how she cuddles up to me.
6. My plans for hiking!!! I found a trail about an hour from my house. And the next day I have off and Gord has to work.. I am totally going out there for an adventure.
7. Hot showers! Even if it is 80 degrees outside, I still love hot showers
8. Have you tried my spaghetti? It is amazing!
9. I am up to 18 followers! That is amazing to me!
10. Listening to Gord breathe makes me happy. I have no idea why. But just listening to him has a calming effect on me. Sometimes during the day I wish I could just hear him breathe.