to have a relationship with me

We all know I am different, everyone is different. But I am quirky. I am myself no matter where I am, and a lot of times people do not like that.

But ladies and gents, this is for the boys that want me out there.

I do not want flowers. Please, no flowers when you pick me up. Instead, get me something fun that I can use time and time again. Flowers will die and fall apart in a week or so, you only want me to remember you for a week? Get me a coloring book and crayons. That way every time I color I will think of you. Get me those capsules that grow into dinosaurs, that way we can watch them grow together and then have dino wars. Be original. Save the flowers for your mom on mother’s day.

If you want to surprise me climb into bed while I am sleeping and wrap your arms around me so I wake up with you next to me. Make me French toast, often. Kiss me. Touch me. When the time comes, love me.

Be nice to me and treat me with respect after time, after we have gotten to know each other, that doesn’t mean you should stop respecting me as much. That doesn’t mean to get angry and blow up at me. That means to stay calm and talk things over with me, like you used to.

Take me on adventures. I know I will take you on many; I want to be the passenger sometimes as well.

Never let me win. I can win on my own, thank you.

Introduce me to your friends (when the time comes) and since I will be super nervous, let me hold your hand the entire time. Don’t be squeamish around them.

If I want chocolate I will tell you. So please no chocolate, I would much rather have dinosaur capsules.

Please don’t show up late or ditch me. I am not like other girls, I am on time. I hate waiting for people that are late, so please don’t do that.

When I get sad, stay by my side. I may not want to talk, but that is where you should be.

I need my freedom. Do not keep tabs on me. If you text me or call me asking me where I am in a demanding way, I will run and hide. I am independent. I am strong. Please remember I have you in my life because I want you there, not because I need a man to control me and watch me.

Get jealous over me. Show me you care. Show me you don’t want me flirting with other guys, because I will do it, just to watch your reaction (hey I am a girl).

When you want me to yourself pull me away from others and tell me.

Be sweet. Tell me how you are feeling, even if you don’t want to.

Be open with me, communication is everything.

Make sure you want me for me. Not so you can change a few things so I am who you want me to be.

Waldo

When all of that drama was going on with my family, I had to find ways to get out of the house. One of those ways I got out was to bug Stacy a lot. One day she was over at a bookstore, guess that showed me?

We were there for a long time, and I really could stay there for hours. At one point, I decided to find Waldo. He was well hidden and I had to ask someone that worked there for help in finding him, they eagerly gave me assistance. I then sat, in the children’s section, on a bench and looked for Waldo, for half an hour. He may have hid from me, but I get the last laugh.

A couple days ago, I was helping these women at work, and I looked up and there was Santa. Red shirt, wire glasses, full gray beard, jolly cheeks. I am not going to lie, I completely freaked out, and I think I must have turned 5. Once they started walking away I turned to my coworker and whispered “I think that man is Santa” she agreed that it looked like him but that was all. I looked back at Santa again to see that Mrs. Clause whisper in his ear and then he turned and winked at me.

I think that is a sign I will be getting where Waldo is like I am asking for.

monsters

I was in the back room at work. And there, not even half a foot in front of me stood a large monster on his eight legs. I could tell by the way he was moving he has been injured. I looked around, but no one was there to see what I was witnessing. I walked past it giving it ‘they eye’ and sizing it up to size. I knew I had to be sneaky if I wanted to survive this monster. I turned back, sharply, trying to surprise this creature. I stomped the ground, and I think I may have seen his eyes roll. He was not intimidated by me; even though he should me. I ROAREEDDD as loud as I could, making him fear me. He stood his ground. In shock, I didn’t know what else to do, besides take him head on. I looked around, once more for anyone to help me in the battle that is now unavoidable. I made my great dinosaur noises and stomped forward.

It was then that I stomped on the wounded cricket.

I had to make sure it was dead, didn’t want it suffering any longer (it was wounded).

I recommend pretending to be a dinosaur to anyone that has to kill bugs. Makes it much more enjoyable. Just please, don’t eat them.

I'm Still Alive!

HI!!!! I am still alive, just super busy.

I don’t even have time to read blogs!! Or simply read in general.

It is getting crazy, and I love it.

I am starting my own business… a cupcake selling business. I am starting with selling them to family and friends, and just getting word out about them, I am also working on a website and that way I can ship them around the States. The company name is Settas Famous Cupcakes. They are magical. I make everything from scratch, using recipes I have found and then changed.

My specialty (the reason you should order from me when I get the website up) is baking the cupcakes in an actual cup, that you can keep. That is right, a CUPcake. Tee hee.

I already have orders rolling in and I am working on shipping them to my grandma to make sure I can do is successfully. I have a plan, and I love it.

Once the website is up and running and making an income for myself I will work on opening up a cupcake shop. Because, if you remember correctly, Minnesota has NO cupcake shops. We are a deprived state I tell ya.

Please come and visit again, I have a plan worked out on how I can blog more regularly and keep you guys up to date.

Cheers,
Jessica

My family is CRAZY!

I think twelve days is long enough to make you wait for an update about what is going on.

My family is crazy and I need to get away. As soon as possible.

They are pretending my dad never said any of that stuff, acted in that way. My brother, mom and I were talking and my brother asked her if my father was serious about what he said. She said she doesn’t know, but she has to take care of herself and Jennifer. So, as of now, no one knows if my father is going to leave or not. All we know is that he is acting as if it never happened. He has also decided that after the winter (remember I live in Minnesota, they are pretty horrible here) he will go back to trucking. CRAZY. This drama and stress is not good for anyone. I have decided that I need to really look out for what is best for me (go me!) and move out as soon as possible to escape the drama and stress of this family. I know moving out will be stressful and VERY challenging, but it is what is best for me.

I think I will get another part time job. So that way I will be working about 45ish hours a week and I should be able to afford to move out. I have gone on an interview, and I really hope I got the job.That will give me enough flexibility to continue with school part time. It may take longer to finish school, but that is okay.

My mom and sister seem to be fine; they have also decided to pretend none of the D stuff happened.


Do you guys remember Adam? He and I talk every day. And it’s a complicated relationship dynamic, he wants me and I want him but he can’t be in a relationship. He thinks he can’t give me what I need or what I deserve. So he won’t allow us to be in a relationship together. If I had it my way I would be in Michigan with him right now. But that is okay. I think over time I will be able to convince him that I know what I want, and that is him.

I don’t really talk to any of the other guys. That phase of me going from guy to guy was horrible, and I believe that was me on the rebound and looking for someone to replace Adam ASAP. I know no one will ever be able to do that though.

Adam also understands me in a way that no one else ever has. Whenever something happens I know that he will make me feel better. I know he will lift my spirits and when him and I talk for those couple of hours at least, he will make me feel like the most amazing person in the world and I will forget everything that is going on.

I hope he hurries in trying to do what is best for me, and just allows me to get what I want.

If it were not for Adam, I don’t think I would be as strong as I am.

P.S thank you Sage for linking me, it really meant a lot. And for those that commented with advice and letting me know my family is in your thoughts and prays, that really means a lot. I love the blogger community and how we (well mostly you guys) are there for everyone, even strangers. It really means a lot. Thank you.

More info

I cannot think about what is going on. I think about it enough to analyze the situation, figure out a plan. And that is all. If I allow myself to get emotional I know I will break down. My father is ruining everything. He ruined me a long time ago. I have already accepted that and at twenty am fixing myself.

Part of who I am, what I am about, and what God wants of me is to fix people; to heal their pain when I can. But I know I cannot help my mother in any way. I can’t get rid of that feeling that the man she has been with since she was 16, is leaving. He doesn’t care anymore, and is ruining his family. He is tearing them apart, and I hate that I have no control over what is happening.

My sister, his favorite, the one that loves him more than anything, told me that when he leaves, if he does it, she will have nothing to do with him. She hates what he is doing. The way he is abandoning our mother and making her feels so horrible. Her father is destroying everything that she knows.

I don’t know if it’s better being older or younger in the case of a divorce. Since we are older, we know what is going on and know how to handle it better. We are capable of grasping the situation and helping out in whatever little way we can. If we were younger we would just think my dad left, my mom cried for days and days and things got harder. We wouldn’t be able to grasp how hurtful his actions are, we wouldn’t be able to understand that my father is being completely selfish and not caring about his wife and children.

I have a theory; I think he is going through a midlife crisis. He is sick of supporting a family and sees freedom as leaving all of that. It makes sense; I just hope he knows when he decides he wants his family back, we won’t be there.

He doesn’t care the affect he will have on my sister. He is showing her how undependable men are. She will see him as her example and may have trust and/or commitment issues. She trusts him more than any other male, and he is destroying everything she knows. I think my sister in the long run will be affected the most out of everyone.

My mother is a strong woman. But her heart is broken. She feels as if her walls are crashing in. my father is destroying everything she has built. Everything she has worked for, he is taking a sledge hammer and destroying it.


My father also refuses to give my mom any money. He is still living with us, but he says he needs to save ‘his’ money so he can move out. He won’t give her money for bills, groceries, gas, my sister, etc. he doesn’t care what she has to do.
My mom is looking for an apartment, and I am looking for a full time job. I think it would be easier on my mom if she just had my sister and her to take care of. And Stacy and I will simply have to move u our schedule of when we move out, I hope it all works out.

I have no respect for my father. I can’t even look at him. He is acting as if nothing has happened. He is acting as if he is not destroying everything. If you make too much noise though, or do something he doesn’t like, he gets aggressive. He has set up a rule; the internet is only connected when he wants to use it (or is gone). And we no longer have cable.

I have been staying away from home, going to the library all day, going over to Stacy’s, simply not being home.

That means I can’t talk to me mom right now, but I think that is okay. I think she wants space anyway; I know if I were in her shoes I would want space.

My mom hasn’t told any of the relatives. My sister and I are giving her until this weekend to tell my grandma, after that we will tell her. We know it’s not our place to tell, but my mom needs her mom.

I know if I am in the same room as my father and he tells me something, I will go off on him, I won’t be able to just sit there and take it. I just don’t work that way. That is another reason why I have stayed away.

I am looking at it with the mentality that it WILL work itself out. I will find a full time job and still be able to find a way to go to school. Stacy and I will find an apartment, my mom will find an apartment and we will all be fine.

The part that hurts me the most is not being able to take away their hurt, but I know that it will be okay someday.

So there it is, that is what is going on, I am sure I will be posting a lot about it. And I think that is pretty understandable. As you can tell, I am holding up a guard as to my emotions about it. I think if I let that down I will break down.

D.

Last night my father informed my mom he will be finding an apartment, moving out, and filing for divorce.

happy

I am teaching myself to be an optimist. I started it HERE and it seems that finally I am able to be happier by thinking positively. So, here is my list of the little things that make me happy.

1. Waking up to text messages.
2. French toast
3. The feeling of my bunny snuggling to my chest.
4. My chalk board
5. Visits at work
6. Catching fish
7. Knowing I am amazing
8. Snuggling with my sister
9. Introducing people to new music
10. Laughing at myself and others

I find that I am more and more in love with myself every day. I love where I am right now in my life. I love how happy I am. I love how I am doing what I want without thinking about others. I love how I have really changed my outlook on everything.

glimmer of hope

You know those impossible situations, the ones you think you will NEVER get out of, the ones that make you lift your head to the sky and whisper ‘please God, please just let me survive this moment’ and you pull yourself together, and you reach as far into what is going on, and you simply immerse yourself into the problem, into the event you do not think you will get out of.

Once you are in that moment fully surrounded by the situation at hand and after you have prayed there is always that glimmer of hope. That sliver of a chance that you WILL survive this and you will be stronger for it. You feel that even if everything goes wrong you will recover and be able to have a great story to tell and a great lesson learned.

That feeling that you have to try your hardest and you have to have something more than yourself helping you in order to pull through.


That feeling that gets you through the impossible and allows you to move on in your life, allowing you to overcome this battle that you have.

And when that moment is over, when that fight is over, and you are catching your breath and sitting still until your heart rate goes back to normal. You get a smile on your face, and you think to yourself ‘wow, I really just did that’.

I love that. I love knowing that I am stronger than I thought I was. I love knowing God is there helping me through everything.

And to take this one step further; I really enjoy looking back and smiling, remember how hard the situation seemed, and smiling because now, looking back, that mountain is no more than a hiccup in life.

things that make me happy.

alright, this is the bunny. He has taken to humping my arm, and if i push him away he tries to bite me. Now, I googled it and found that bunnies that are not fixed do this, he is fixed. So if anyone knows why he is doing this please let me know.





this is a northern. it is the biggest fish i caught on vacation. Fishing was pretty horrible to be honest. the weather was bad and we didnt catch anything really. i had my grandma hold it so i could take a clear picture. We have no cupcake shoppes in Minnesota. the closest i can get are ice cream cupcakes. so not the same. i contacted a bakery in Michigan and asked if they would ship to me... it was a no go. i love how pretty they are. makes me happy looking at them (no joke i cant stop smiling when i see pictures-yes i took more than one- of them).





This of course, is my Nephew Lucas. LOOK HOW BIG HE IS!!!!! he is no longer in an infant car seat!!! and i am really hopeing that is just water in there.