one hurdle

I enjoy masturbating. I enjoy masturbating, a lot. About 3 times a day, more times on a good day. when I am stressed out, I masturbate. When I am sad I masturbate, when I have a headache or am sick, I think you can guess what I do.

There is nothing other than being too tired to do it that stops me. it is easy to put me in the mood, and unless I am super tired, I will be up for it. why not? Why not have an orgasm?

So, I am used to doing it whenever I want, as often as I want. But being in a relationship has changed that. I try to wait until he is home from work, and we can do it together. That means usually we can do it at night (after 9- have to wait for those free minutes to kick in). so about once a day. Monday thru Fridays, weekends are rather easy as we have all day.

I can do it whenever I want, I know that. but I always feel a wee bit selfish when I do it without him. because his sex drive is just as high as mine (maybe even higher…) and I know how hard he works and how much he enjoys doing it together as well. So, I try to wait. But once a day, five days a week is NOT enough for me. I need more.

And we can do it twice at night, but then after the second time he gets exhausted and falls asleep within 15 minutes, and I sort of like to talk a little more than that. so, we can play my favorite game ‘Jessica gets to orgasm and you get to listen’, but then I feel like a tease (and hey, lets face it, I am a tease).

This is just one of the hurdles we face in a long distance relationship.

At least I get to think about him whenever I masturbate.

productivity

Things I did today (because I know you all care)
• At work today I totally put together a sailboat (twas fake), I think I am ready to take on the real thing now.
• I made an egg today for lunch and followed my instincts, when I smelled something burning I flipped the egg (my cooking skills are improving!)
• I realized today when mothers day is this year.
• I laughed really hard at ‘sneaky gays’ via Sue Sylvester’s (sp) news broadcast
• When I was running my errands I wore my winter jacket.
• After being cold in my bedroom for about a week now, I finally got the courage to shut my bedroom window
• I shed a tear or two when thinking about how often Gord works, and how little I get him
• Smiled when I saw gas prices are starting to go down again
• Laughed at my dog when she had to go outside in the rain
• Decided I love mini peanut butter cups (yum)

Wewh, what a productive day. now I am starving and have to go to the grocery store and decide what to have for dinner..

list of 10

It is time again for a positive/happy/ in love with list. Because I am having a rather downer of a day, and need something to cheer me up.

1. The trees are green! Yay!!
2. I love being in a book club! I love getting together with them and meeting new friends and having a grand ‘ol time.
3. I am really in love with Disney’s ‘I just can’t wait to be king’ song from the lion king. I must say, I do a phenomenal job of acting out that song. Eye rolls and ROARS and everything.
4. I am really lucky that Heracio is such a cuddly bunny. I love wrapping him in my arms and giving him a kiss or two or ten.
5. Naps with Maggie (or dog)!!!! I love how she cuddles up to me.
6. My plans for hiking!!! I found a trail about an hour from my house. And the next day I have off and Gord has to work.. I am totally going out there for an adventure.
7. Hot showers! Even if it is 80 degrees outside, I still love hot showers
8. Have you tried my spaghetti? It is amazing!
9. I am up to 18 followers! That is amazing to me!
10. Listening to Gord breathe makes me happy. I have no idea why. But just listening to him has a calming effect on me. Sometimes during the day I wish I could just hear him breathe.

road rage

I think I may have developed road rage today. And sort of ruined a few people’s days because of it, normally I am a very calm driver, but here is what happened.

I was driving along on the highway and I saw the car behind me was catching up; I couldn’t get over because there was a car in my way. So I was passing that car first. I looked behind me and the car behind me was RIGHT ON MY ASS. So I was finishing passing this car, and looked behind me again, and the woman in the car was making gestures at me… so… I decided not to get over for the women. And to slow down a wee bit. I am by no means a slow driver. I was going 70 in a 55 zone. When I saw how rude the lady was, I slowed down to 65. So really, not too slow. And if she would have waited for me to pass the car, I would have gotten over so I wasn’t in her way.

She was behind me when my exit came up, still on my bum. So I decided to go on an adventure and stay in front of her… we went about 5 more minutes and she passed me and totally tailgated a freaking SEMI truck. I watched her cut off another car to pass the semi truck, and then was on the ass of the next car that was in front of her…

To be honest, I think she totally deserved to have her day ruined by me. she needs to learn how to allow cars time to get over because she gets pissy.

I turned around and was stuck in rush hour traffic (I LOVE getting stuck in traffic.. gives me time to listen to more music). I got off the highway and was going through a stoplight by my house, a car was turning right. My light was green so I was going… they were going as well. They weren’t stopping.. I was stepping on my breaks and honked my horn (first time I got to honk at someone!!! yay!!! Go me!!!!) they stopped and I went. When I turned around I saw there was a state trooper behind them that turned on its lights and had now stopped the car that almost ran into me.

I don’t think those people had a very good day today either.

the post about the boyfriend

Gordon lives in Vancouver; he does construction work and is 35.

He is amazing at loving me.

Him and I met online.. in a game..

It happened really fast. Him and I were just talking, I simply enjoyed talking to him. And we would spend hours chatting and laughing with each other. And then one night he told me ‘yea I got asked out today and I told the girl I was taken’.

And my red flags came up.

And I freaked.

I knew that was his way of telling me he was interested in me.

I was over Adam, and really was enjoying being single and not trying to replace Adam at all. I was happy just being by myself and flirting up a storm.

I don’t remember what I told him. I knew I liked that he said that about me, he planted the seed for me to think about being with him or not.

We chatted as much as possible. I think he lost a lot of sleep because of it.

A few days later I was in a skype chat full of people him and I both knew. Sex came up. And me, being single, didn’t feel the need to hold back. I really do enjoy talking about sex, so I did. He came on, and got upset. He would never ever try to control me in any way, but he asked me ‘if I were in a chat with all women and said the things you said, would you like it?’ and of course I would not.

But I told him I was not his girlfriend. And he can get upset all he would like and I understood, but him and I were friends. So, he asked me to be more.

And that is how we became official.

About 3 days later we exchanged I love you’s.

Everything with him happened really fast. And I am willing to go to Vancouver for him, I am willing to move out there. But I would like to take my time. I do not want to rush into anything. I am 21 years old. And Gord and I talk about marriage and things we are going to do with our kids and how we are going to raise them all the time. And I LOVE talking about that stuff, but I sort of want to really take my time in making it happen.

I have found my fairytale, and I am in no hurry to find out how it ends.

Tomorrow

I feel as if I am not understood today. I feel that my thoughts and my feelings are getting tangled and I try to express them but people look at me all funny.

Today is a hard day. And I think I am going to now accept that. And I am just going to allow myself to cry if it comes out. And I am going to allow myself to be sad.

Because tomorrow is a different day, and tomorrow I will be happy. Because there is nothing to be sad about.

Crazy Feelings

I am finding men do not listen. They think they do, but really, they don’t. You tell them you are not going to start an argument you simply want them to understand how you feel. And so you say how you feel.

And they get all defensive and it is like you are poking them with a stick.

You try and explain yourself again, explain that you do not want to fight, that you just want them to understand. And you word it differently and you try to have patience, but they simply do not understand it.

No matter how many different ways I word it, he still does not understand. All he does is get all defensive as if I am attacking him because I feel a certain way.

The only reason why I brought up how I feel is because I know how I feel IS crazy and it DOESN’T make sense; and I honestly know that how I feel is wrong and stupid, and I want him and I to both be aware of that. That way when the issue comes up again, we can address it and not fight. We can address the underlining issue that is really bothering me (because let’s face it, we mostly argue because of how I feel) and we will move on much faster.

So my word of advice.

If a women tells you ‘dear, I don’t want to fight. But I feel it is important that I tell you how I feel, that way you understand’ DO NOT get aggressive and feel the need to defend yourself.

More than likely, she knows how freaking crazy she is. Just accept what she has told you and move on.

Dreams

Gord and I sometimes talk about our childhoods. And he had an amazing childhood; as normal as it gets.

My childhood was a little less than normal. I went through a lot that most people wouldn’t have survived. But I stayed strong. I made sure to be very selective about who I hung out with so that I did not get into drugs or alcohol.

I made sure I stayed pure so that I would not be able to have children at a young age. I knew that if I had a child when I was young, it would have a lot of struggles that were not necessary.

I was VERY selective about boys, to the point that I did not find any that were worthy of my attention.

I got made fun of a lot, and got called stuck up. I had very good morals at a young age, and really did not care what anyone had to say about me.

I look at my relatives and see what I do not want to become. I see how their everyday life is; and as horrible as this may sound, I know that I am better than them. I know that I am capable of much greater things then they are capable of. I know that so far, I have lived my life with more dignity and respect than most people will ever be able to muster up.

Tonight I realized that I did all of this so that my children could have a much better childhood then me. When I have kids I can be the great example that they can look up to.

I think unconsciously my maternal instinct has been there all along. Making sure the kids that I didn’t even think about would have an incredible mom.

And I want those kids, which I actually have started to think about, to have the childhood that they deserve. I want them to have everything that they could ever dream about.

Boring

I promise I have not forgotten about all of you, but the fact is that I have become boring.

I wake up in the morning and go to work. I come home from work and do some cleaning, maybe read a little. Go for a walk and then relax in the evening and go to bed.

Honestly, nothing to blog about.

I am turning into an adult and I am fighting it full force.

I am a wee bit sick right now, so I have been sleeping all day. and let me tell you, I do enjoy sleeping.

On my 21st birthday I got drunk, and had a blast. I learned I am a very very happy and social and touchy drunk.

Easter was exciting, I got an easter basket.

Gord and I are doing wonderfully.

My life is honestly really boring right now.

And I absolutely love it.

positive and happy

I Sort of got sucked into a negative spell these past weeks, so I am doing a positive happy list.

10 positive things that make me happy.

1.Going to the lake and walking around, enjoying the fresh air and being by the lake
2. going on picnics
3. Gord lets me be bossy
4. my stationary collection is expanding weekly (now I just need more addresses!)
5. Lucas MAY be visiting us in May
6. Heracio and his girlfriend are getting along well
7. I cleaned out my closet so now I have room for new clothes
8. I think I found my favorite ice cream
9. I have an amazing boyfriend
10. I am completely and madly in love