realization

Sometimes things just hit you. they are there in the background and nothing changes, and you just realize HOLY CRAP; this is how things are.

Yesterday I realized how alone I am. I live by myself. I have no close friends, my family seems to not want anything to do with me anymore, and my boyfriend lives in Canada. Kristen, is always doing something with school or busy with family (that’s what happens when you have such a large family).

I have no one to invite over in the middle of the night, or day. I have no one to help do my dishes or bring me over dinner once in a while. I have no one here. I am utterly alone.

I live by myself, I take care of myself. I have no one to lean on. I cant be lazy for a day and say ‘hey I don’t really feel like making dinner’ because if I don’t feel like making dinner, I don’t eat. Its that simple.

Honestly, I don’t like it. I hate not having anyone here. I have even thought about becoming friends with Stacy again JUST to have someone that will be here whenever I need it.

But, I am not that desperate.

I am lonely. I want someone here with me. I want someone to lean on, and to be there to pester me and to annoy me. and to make messes I have to clean.

I miss having someone around. Maybe I didn’t think this through all the way. maybe I should have not moved out on my own. Maybe I cant do it. I don’t know. I think it is sinking in that there is NO ONE to depend on me, but myself. And if I screw up its on me. and I don’t have someone waiting for me at home to help clean up the mess afterwards.