I have a true story to tell you.
I was saving it, for just about now.
Last year I didn’t get anything from Santa, according to my parents, I am too old for him. Well, you guys know me; I tend to not always believe what my parents say.
So anyway...
I was at work, about a month ago, and there was this lady, very friendly, she is checking out and I am helping her, and I go to give her the change. And guess who is with her; SANTA!!!!
So, me being me can’t stop looking at him. And she is smiling (kind of like a smile that this happens a lot). And I am all ‘have a nice day’ and I turn around so I am not staring at them. And I whisper to the coworker next to me ‘OMG. I think I just met Santa, look!’
And we turned around to look at them, and I am all smiling and gleeful, and I look and she whispered something to Santa, and turns around and she WINKS at me.
MRS. FREAKING CLAUSE WINKED AT ME!!!!!!!!!!
(Insert your jealous face pictures here)
So now, last week.
A friend of mine, Dago, told me ‘Jessica. I was talking to Santa..’
Yea, you can imagine my excitement at that, but there is more
‘Santa asks me about the kids he is not so sure about, and he brought you up....’
(Yea excitement growing)
‘And I said you were good, so he gave me something to give to you. So watch for it in the mail’
OMG!!!!! I get excited when I find Waldo, or squish bugs; can you IMAGINE my excitement because of this?!?
And to think, my parents said I was too old for Santa, please, no one is ever too old for Santa. All you have to do is believe.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
pieces in a bucket
I hate when everything is going good, and then poof, something small happens and everything falls apart. And you are left standing there trying to hold the pieces together.
So you stand there, holding the pieces. Knowing you are what is keeping everything from getting lost; you know that if it is lost, everyone else will fall apart and you have to stop that. You cannot allow anyone else to fall apart.
So you are standing there, with your arms full of all these pieces, and some of them are sharp, and some are small. And a few are slipping and you do your best to hold on tighter but some fall through, and you can’t reach for them because then the others will fall. So you allow yourself to believe it’s okay, you can go without those pieces.
Because that will just add personality and flare to this once you get all of the pieces put back together again.
And as you stand there, your arms are getting heavier and you are looking around for help but no one else can really help, they are too self centered to really care that you need help. And a couple looks at you and wants to help, but they just don’t understand what they can do to help you. So you tell them it is okay, you are doing fine. And they watch you, and try to figure out a way to help.
And others are just looking and moving on.
And finally someone says ‘HEY! Why not put the pieces in a bucket! You can let them go, and they will be there and you can search for glue, and go about your day, and they will still be there when you have the time!’ and so you find a bucket, a pretty bucket with a bird on it. And you put all of the pieces in the bucket. And you stretch your arms, and are really glad they are in there. And you look down at them, and realize you can’t just leave them. You cannot go about your day with everything to pieces like that. And others do not understand, they think you should just let go and leave them. So you start carrying the bucket with you. And it starts getting scratched up and not so pretty, but you don’t care. That bucket is yours to carry around, and some day, you hope to be able to put the pieces back together and to be almost hole again.
So you stand there, holding the pieces. Knowing you are what is keeping everything from getting lost; you know that if it is lost, everyone else will fall apart and you have to stop that. You cannot allow anyone else to fall apart.
So you are standing there, with your arms full of all these pieces, and some of them are sharp, and some are small. And a few are slipping and you do your best to hold on tighter but some fall through, and you can’t reach for them because then the others will fall. So you allow yourself to believe it’s okay, you can go without those pieces.
Because that will just add personality and flare to this once you get all of the pieces put back together again.
And as you stand there, your arms are getting heavier and you are looking around for help but no one else can really help, they are too self centered to really care that you need help. And a couple looks at you and wants to help, but they just don’t understand what they can do to help you. So you tell them it is okay, you are doing fine. And they watch you, and try to figure out a way to help.
And others are just looking and moving on.
And finally someone says ‘HEY! Why not put the pieces in a bucket! You can let them go, and they will be there and you can search for glue, and go about your day, and they will still be there when you have the time!’ and so you find a bucket, a pretty bucket with a bird on it. And you put all of the pieces in the bucket. And you stretch your arms, and are really glad they are in there. And you look down at them, and realize you can’t just leave them. You cannot go about your day with everything to pieces like that. And others do not understand, they think you should just let go and leave them. So you start carrying the bucket with you. And it starts getting scratched up and not so pretty, but you don’t care. That bucket is yours to carry around, and some day, you hope to be able to put the pieces back together and to be almost hole again.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
short.
Text convo.
Stacy: I have something for you the next time I see you!
Me: oh?
Stacy: YEA! A big hug!
Me: I am so excited! Just what I needed!
There is a reason I have the friends I do.
Stacy: I have something for you the next time I see you!
Me: oh?
Stacy: YEA! A big hug!
Me: I am so excited! Just what I needed!
There is a reason I have the friends I do.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
My Day
I did something amazing today. I know a lot of people are going to be upset, even mad about what I did. But I honestly had to do it for myself. And for once I put myself first, and just took care of me.
It was hard to do, to turn off my phone and just let everything slide. To not talk to anyone, and to give myself peace.
A lot of my time is dedicated to being the glue that holds people together. It may be a certain person, or a certain thing about that person. it may be being the entertainment of the group. It is part of who I am, and what God wants of me. but sometimes everyone just needs to let go and allow others to hold themselves together and just rest.
Today was amazing. I did nothing. I watched TV, woke up late, cuddled with my bunny, ran to the bank. That made my entire day. I didn’t have to fix anyones problems or listen to anyone complain. I just took care of me.
I loved it.
It meant I ditched my friends. I didn’t let them know I wasn’t going. I just didn’t show. And I know that is terrible but i needed to do it.
I did something for me.
And I am very proud of that.
It was hard to do, to turn off my phone and just let everything slide. To not talk to anyone, and to give myself peace.
A lot of my time is dedicated to being the glue that holds people together. It may be a certain person, or a certain thing about that person. it may be being the entertainment of the group. It is part of who I am, and what God wants of me. but sometimes everyone just needs to let go and allow others to hold themselves together and just rest.
Today was amazing. I did nothing. I watched TV, woke up late, cuddled with my bunny, ran to the bank. That made my entire day. I didn’t have to fix anyones problems or listen to anyone complain. I just took care of me.
I loved it.
It meant I ditched my friends. I didn’t let them know I wasn’t going. I just didn’t show. And I know that is terrible but i needed to do it.
I did something for me.
And I am very proud of that.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
schedule
I do well with a pattern, with a schedule. I like knowing what I will be doing next week at this time. I like knowing when I will be free to sleep in, when I can take a nap, when I will have time to dance around my room. I like that.
I like knowing when others are going to be free so I can catch up with them. when they will be away so I shouldn’t text them. I like knowing when I will see them next.
I need everything set. I need that consistency.
When I do not get that, I feel lost.
Right now work keeps changing my schedule. Working days sometimes, nights other times. It is driving me crazy. it is messing with when I get to talk to people, when I can stay up late. It is messing with my showering schedule.
And then other peoples schedules are changing as well, and so I don’t know those either. I don’t know when I will get to talk to people next or when I should text them or not.
I just don’t know.
And I am really chill, and it just is what it is, but at the end of the day when I am trying to relax I cannot turn off my brain. Because I don’t have a schedule. Because I don’t know what I will be doing in 24 hours.
I love the holidays, but I am ready for my normal schedule to be back.
I like knowing when others are going to be free so I can catch up with them. when they will be away so I shouldn’t text them. I like knowing when I will see them next.
I need everything set. I need that consistency.
When I do not get that, I feel lost.
Right now work keeps changing my schedule. Working days sometimes, nights other times. It is driving me crazy. it is messing with when I get to talk to people, when I can stay up late. It is messing with my showering schedule.
And then other peoples schedules are changing as well, and so I don’t know those either. I don’t know when I will get to talk to people next or when I should text them or not.
I just don’t know.
And I am really chill, and it just is what it is, but at the end of the day when I am trying to relax I cannot turn off my brain. Because I don’t have a schedule. Because I don’t know what I will be doing in 24 hours.
I love the holidays, but I am ready for my normal schedule to be back.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
My Sisters Keeper
Last night I watched the movie ‘My Sisters Keeper’ and it really made me think (as I am sure is the case with most people that watch it). The plot is about a girl that has cancer, and her parents engineer a child that will meet her genes and therefore can give blood and kidneys and whatever the daughter with cancer needs; there is also an older brother mixed in.
There is a point in the movie where we get to hear what the child with cancer is thinking. She is telling her brother that she is sorry for needing so much attention. She is sorry that because her family is so concentrated on making sure she doesn’t die, they didn’t realize he was dyslexic; causing him to be sent away for a year so he could get help.
She tells the father that she is sorry for taking away the love of his life. That since his wife (her mom) is always concerned about making sure she lives. She gave up her job; she gave up her life to make sure this child did not die.
She tells the engineered child sorry as well. And thanks her for everything she has given up. She tells her she is sorry for needing so much.
She tells the mother how thankful she is and how it is time to let go. Because the disease will not only kill her, but it will kill the family.
It made me so sad, I sat there in my friends living room and tried my hardest not to cry (a few tears fell though). I felt so sorry for all of these kids. For the mother and father.
The mother was trying her hardest to save this child, but lost sight of her other children. They all know their mother loves them, but it was just so sad. The dad sat back and watched, because he loves the mother so much, he is willing to do anything to make her happy. But she was so focused on this child; she lost sight of everything else.
I understand where the mother was coming from, and why she was acting this way. I would probably act the same way. But at the same time, I hope watching this movie taught me that if I have children, and one of them gets sick, I must not forget about my other children. All of them need attention and must feel wanted.
The engineered child is a completely different story. The movie did not really dig into how she felt about being born simply to give to her sister. And how the giving started at birth. She had procedures when she was 5, hospitalized when she was six due to complications, more procedures when she was 11. I just, I don’t know how I would feel if I knew I was born simply to give everything to my sister. It is an honor to be able to save someone in such a big way, but it is also scary. I would always wonder to myself if my parents would still love me the same if I was not a match for my sister, if they would try again, and push me aside like they did the older brother.
There would be so much running through my mind. So many questions, so many what ifs. It would drive me crazy.
And this movie makes me wonder if I would ever do the same thing. If a child is sick, would I engineer another kid to make sure she matched her sister? I don’t know. I suppose no one really knows until they are put in that position.
There is a point in the movie where we get to hear what the child with cancer is thinking. She is telling her brother that she is sorry for needing so much attention. She is sorry that because her family is so concentrated on making sure she doesn’t die, they didn’t realize he was dyslexic; causing him to be sent away for a year so he could get help.
She tells the father that she is sorry for taking away the love of his life. That since his wife (her mom) is always concerned about making sure she lives. She gave up her job; she gave up her life to make sure this child did not die.
She tells the engineered child sorry as well. And thanks her for everything she has given up. She tells her she is sorry for needing so much.
She tells the mother how thankful she is and how it is time to let go. Because the disease will not only kill her, but it will kill the family.
It made me so sad, I sat there in my friends living room and tried my hardest not to cry (a few tears fell though). I felt so sorry for all of these kids. For the mother and father.
The mother was trying her hardest to save this child, but lost sight of her other children. They all know their mother loves them, but it was just so sad. The dad sat back and watched, because he loves the mother so much, he is willing to do anything to make her happy. But she was so focused on this child; she lost sight of everything else.
I understand where the mother was coming from, and why she was acting this way. I would probably act the same way. But at the same time, I hope watching this movie taught me that if I have children, and one of them gets sick, I must not forget about my other children. All of them need attention and must feel wanted.
The engineered child is a completely different story. The movie did not really dig into how she felt about being born simply to give to her sister. And how the giving started at birth. She had procedures when she was 5, hospitalized when she was six due to complications, more procedures when she was 11. I just, I don’t know how I would feel if I knew I was born simply to give everything to my sister. It is an honor to be able to save someone in such a big way, but it is also scary. I would always wonder to myself if my parents would still love me the same if I was not a match for my sister, if they would try again, and push me aside like they did the older brother.
There would be so much running through my mind. So many questions, so many what ifs. It would drive me crazy.
And this movie makes me wonder if I would ever do the same thing. If a child is sick, would I engineer another kid to make sure she matched her sister? I don’t know. I suppose no one really knows until they are put in that position.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
loneliness
Last night I was talking to a friend, and he was telling me how he is sick of girls wanting him for attention. That is all they do is fight for his attention, and he is getting sick of it. He is that guy, the guy that walks in a room and every girls head turns and they then think of a plan to get as close as possible and show these other girls they are boss, and are getting this incredible guy. They tease him, and do all the things a girl does and then they leave him. Because that is all they really wanted, was to show that they could get his attention.
And this made his very sad.
And this made me sad as well, because there was nothing I could do to help him. And I hate that feeling.
He is one of those guys that ‘needs space’ when they deal with stuff like this, and so I have to just leave him alone while he figures this out.
I like helping people. I like cheering people up, that is what I like to do. I like fixing people’s problems. The reason that I am so well liked and people go to me so much is because I am so good at making them feel better, it is sort of my thing. Those that are around me know I am going to brighten up their day. If I mean to or not.
And I couldn’t cheer him up. He was all broody and in a state of thoughtfulness and he wouldn’t really talk it out with me, because that is just the kind of guy he is.
I hope he figures it out. And decides not to let people use him. Because he is a great guy and I enjoy every time I get to talk to him, and I don’t like seeing him sad and broody.
I don’t understand women. I don’t understand getting a guy that you are not at all interested in, just so you can show him off for the night. I don’t understand the need to use men like that. If I am talking to someone, and giving them MY time and MY attention, it means I like them, that I find them interesting. it has nothing to do with beating the other girls in the room.
Women are just so shallow.
It makes me sad.
I wish I could teach them how to love themselves and that in order to be happy, they do not need to be on the arm of some guy.
Anyway… I digress
And this made his very sad.
And this made me sad as well, because there was nothing I could do to help him. And I hate that feeling.
He is one of those guys that ‘needs space’ when they deal with stuff like this, and so I have to just leave him alone while he figures this out.
I like helping people. I like cheering people up, that is what I like to do. I like fixing people’s problems. The reason that I am so well liked and people go to me so much is because I am so good at making them feel better, it is sort of my thing. Those that are around me know I am going to brighten up their day. If I mean to or not.
And I couldn’t cheer him up. He was all broody and in a state of thoughtfulness and he wouldn’t really talk it out with me, because that is just the kind of guy he is.
I hope he figures it out. And decides not to let people use him. Because he is a great guy and I enjoy every time I get to talk to him, and I don’t like seeing him sad and broody.
I don’t understand women. I don’t understand getting a guy that you are not at all interested in, just so you can show him off for the night. I don’t understand the need to use men like that. If I am talking to someone, and giving them MY time and MY attention, it means I like them, that I find them interesting. it has nothing to do with beating the other girls in the room.
Women are just so shallow.
It makes me sad.
I wish I could teach them how to love themselves and that in order to be happy, they do not need to be on the arm of some guy.
Anyway… I digress
Thursday, November 12, 2009
well, here goes
When I was in 10th grade I was diagnosed with depression, meaning the chemicals in the brain are not balanced correctly and cause me to be sad, have no motivation, become socially withdrawn, get bad grades, and a bunch of other things.
When we went to the doctor he prescribed the lowest dose of antidepressants, and told me to take half a pill a day. These pills made it so I couldn’t feel anything. I hated it, so I stopped taking them. Somehow I got better, and went on my way.
When we went to the doctor, he informed me it will more than likely come and go throughout my life. Well, it is back.
I am trying my hardest to sort of ignore it and hope it goes away, but that is really not working. I have known for some time now, but it is now getting to the point that it is getting hard to go out at all and be social.
I am having a hard time finding the motivation to study for class, or work on my cupcake site (thus it is still not up and running).
I am trying my hardest to go out, and do something productive each day, it is just hard.
(Crap starting to cry)
Last time, back in 10th grade no one noticed the differences. But this time around, people already have. I know that I have a lot of support from many different people. And I know I will get through this, it will just take time.
Doing all the silly little things I do, is my way of making sure I am happy. So when I make dinosaur noises, or color in a coloring book, that is my way of being happy.
And I am trying really hard to be happy.
Blogging helps a lot, because it allows me to express how I am feeling. It also helps that I have such an amazing support system of friends.
So thank you to all that have noticed. There is no need to worry, but I do appreciate you noticing and making time for me. Even if I am sort of a burden right now.
When we went to the doctor he prescribed the lowest dose of antidepressants, and told me to take half a pill a day. These pills made it so I couldn’t feel anything. I hated it, so I stopped taking them. Somehow I got better, and went on my way.
When we went to the doctor, he informed me it will more than likely come and go throughout my life. Well, it is back.
I am trying my hardest to sort of ignore it and hope it goes away, but that is really not working. I have known for some time now, but it is now getting to the point that it is getting hard to go out at all and be social.
I am having a hard time finding the motivation to study for class, or work on my cupcake site (thus it is still not up and running).
I am trying my hardest to go out, and do something productive each day, it is just hard.
(Crap starting to cry)
Last time, back in 10th grade no one noticed the differences. But this time around, people already have. I know that I have a lot of support from many different people. And I know I will get through this, it will just take time.
Doing all the silly little things I do, is my way of making sure I am happy. So when I make dinosaur noises, or color in a coloring book, that is my way of being happy.
And I am trying really hard to be happy.
Blogging helps a lot, because it allows me to express how I am feeling. It also helps that I have such an amazing support system of friends.
So thank you to all that have noticed. There is no need to worry, but I do appreciate you noticing and making time for me. Even if I am sort of a burden right now.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Edward Cullen
Edward Cullen through my eyes.
Guys, I am going to tell you right here, right now why girls are in love with him.
Straight up, girls are selfish. We want to be the first thing you think about when you wake up, the only one you are thinking about while wanking off, the last thing you think about before you go to sleep; and if that is not enough we also want to be the center of your dreams.
We want attention; we want to be texted just because a song reminded you of us. We want to be on your mind all the time, and when you are buying shampoo we want to be called because you want to mix things up and try a new one, and you want our opinion.
We want to come first, before you. We want you to think about our well being, that is why we sometimes do stupid/crazy things. When we come up with the idea to make out in the rain, we want you to be willing to do it because it’s what we want, and after there will be much needed cuddling to warm up. We also do it to push you, to see how far you are willing to go for us.
We want to feel protected. If a guy looks at us the wrong way we may not say anything, but we want you to wrap your arm around us tighter. If a guy grabs our asses we want you to yell at him and tell him to back up. If we are scared, we want you to laugh at us and tell us how silly we are being. Even though we can tell in your voice you are thinking of the fastest way you can get to us.
We tell you what we are doing, and why we are doing it because we want you to care. We want you to know everything because in case of an emergency you can be there for us.
We are really simple (kinda, sorta, not really) we want you to be there for us at all times. We want to come first, and we want to be your number one priority.
To summarize: we like our boys whipped.
I just told you what Edward Cullen is to Bella Swan.
People refer to it as stalking, but it really is not. He CARES about Bella so much; he has to make sure she is safe at all times. He will do anything to protect her. He cannot see his life without her. Yes, he is obsessed with her, but that is why we love him so much. We want our guy to be like that.
So if you wish to hate on Edward Cullen, all of us ladies know it is simply because you are jealous of him.
Guys, I am going to tell you right here, right now why girls are in love with him.
Straight up, girls are selfish. We want to be the first thing you think about when you wake up, the only one you are thinking about while wanking off, the last thing you think about before you go to sleep; and if that is not enough we also want to be the center of your dreams.
We want attention; we want to be texted just because a song reminded you of us. We want to be on your mind all the time, and when you are buying shampoo we want to be called because you want to mix things up and try a new one, and you want our opinion.
We want to come first, before you. We want you to think about our well being, that is why we sometimes do stupid/crazy things. When we come up with the idea to make out in the rain, we want you to be willing to do it because it’s what we want, and after there will be much needed cuddling to warm up. We also do it to push you, to see how far you are willing to go for us.
We want to feel protected. If a guy looks at us the wrong way we may not say anything, but we want you to wrap your arm around us tighter. If a guy grabs our asses we want you to yell at him and tell him to back up. If we are scared, we want you to laugh at us and tell us how silly we are being. Even though we can tell in your voice you are thinking of the fastest way you can get to us.
We tell you what we are doing, and why we are doing it because we want you to care. We want you to know everything because in case of an emergency you can be there for us.
We are really simple (kinda, sorta, not really) we want you to be there for us at all times. We want to come first, and we want to be your number one priority.
To summarize: we like our boys whipped.
I just told you what Edward Cullen is to Bella Swan.
People refer to it as stalking, but it really is not. He CARES about Bella so much; he has to make sure she is safe at all times. He will do anything to protect her. He cannot see his life without her. Yes, he is obsessed with her, but that is why we love him so much. We want our guy to be like that.
So if you wish to hate on Edward Cullen, all of us ladies know it is simply because you are jealous of him.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
pass me the bottle
Sometimes I wish I was a drinker. That way when everything gets tough and hard to deal with, I can just drown my sorrows in a bottle of whatever I feel like having.
After this semester I don’t think I will be going back to school. I just do not feel like it is the right place for me at this moment. I will do the full time job thing, and then once I figure some stuff out I will go back. Because I want a degree and I want to better myself, but I just feel like right now is not the time for school. I have always been in school (sort of) and I just feel like I want to explore other things right now and go back to that.
I wish I could bottle my love and give it away like that, I have so much of it, I just don’t know what to do with it all. I feel like if I don’t do anything with it I will waste it. So, I just make sure to treat my friends well and give them as much as they will accept without it scaring them.
I have to update my blog roll thingy, a lot of those blogs don’t exist anymore, and one or two I don’t read. And there are tons I read that are not up there yet.
I think with my age and what I feel and how I am doing things, I am on track pretty well. Even if I get told I have an old soul.
It is okay that I don’t know what I want to do ahead of time for more than two hours, right?
After this semester I don’t think I will be going back to school. I just do not feel like it is the right place for me at this moment. I will do the full time job thing, and then once I figure some stuff out I will go back. Because I want a degree and I want to better myself, but I just feel like right now is not the time for school. I have always been in school (sort of) and I just feel like I want to explore other things right now and go back to that.
I wish I could bottle my love and give it away like that, I have so much of it, I just don’t know what to do with it all. I feel like if I don’t do anything with it I will waste it. So, I just make sure to treat my friends well and give them as much as they will accept without it scaring them.
I have to update my blog roll thingy, a lot of those blogs don’t exist anymore, and one or two I don’t read. And there are tons I read that are not up there yet.
I think with my age and what I feel and how I am doing things, I am on track pretty well. Even if I get told I have an old soul.
It is okay that I don’t know what I want to do ahead of time for more than two hours, right?
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