Thursday, March 5, 2009

long one.

I always thought people that were in relationships were sort of weak. Why the hell would you need someone that you can’t part with? Why in the world would you depend on someone emotionally? It took me a long time to believe in love, I thought it was just propaganda. The government getting people to feel a certain way, to try and get people to think they needed love so that is what they focus on, and that leaves the government open to do what they want. But I was wrong, oh so wrong.
The boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months. I love him with all my heart; I would do anything for him. I lean on him for emotional support. He is one of those guys that don’t really share their feelings, but I like to think I can read him rather well. I know what he is going to say most of the time before he says it, and I understand him.
But something crazy? He understands me! I thought that was not possible. And then a couple weeks ago we were talking and he said stuff about me that I was like ‘whoa how do you know that?’ and it’s just because he knows me better than I know myself at times. I have grown emotionally dependent on him. He is my sunshine, my face lights up when I talk to him.

He has been avoiding/ignoring me for 2 weeks now. No reason why. We were talking and then all of a sudden nothing. And I told him I could tell something was going on; he asked me what that was. I said I didn’t know he should tell me. Since then we haven’t had any conversation. I do not know what he wants. I told him I would simply stop contacting him but until he tells me otherwise I am still his. I hope he can’t ignore me forever.
I have been keeping busy with schoolwork and going to bed early so I can keep my mind occupied, but it’s hard. We usually talk around 2:30 when he gets off of work, and so I automatically make sure I am free then. And then I don’t talk to him, and I get sad. But then I have to remind myself to stay strong and he cares about me. He just needs some space right now, or maybe he needs to figure out a way to tell me what it is he wants to tell me. I have no idea.
I haven’t really talked to my friends about this, except for my online friends (KO and Bludbath) because the best friend doesn’t like talking about the boyfriend, and whenever I bring up the boyfriend to the bestie she tells me I talk about him too much. So I have been pretty much alone.
Last night I was going to bed, it was like 11pm (yea way too early). And I had my iPod on shuffle and it was going to turn off in an hour and I was almost asleep. And then I was jolted awake by ‘stupid boy’ by Keith Urban. The Boyfriend is being a stupid boy. I deserve more than he is giving me. I started crying, I am talking sobs where your entire body moves, it was bad. So I of course got up, turned off the iPod and grabbed my computer. I knew there would be no message from boyfriend; he had been sleeping for hours. But I thought maybe someone would be on to talk to, there was no one. So I played some games, read some blogs, and went to bed.
This emotional stuff is physically exhausting. I refuse to break up with boyfriend because I want him. And if he wants to break up with me he can do it. I refuse to give him what he wants and allow him to not do the hard part.
I really miss him, I can’t even explain it. I go from being good and strong to thinking about something about him and crying. If he is going to break my heart I wish he would stop taking the band aid off slowly and just rip it off, I have always been that kind of girl.
I just want him to tell me what is going on so I know. I need him, and I hate that.

As I was writing things all out my mother came in to my room and accused me of being depressed. Apparently I spend too much time alone in my bedroom and I am not smiling as much anymore. I told her what she wanted me to change then since she ‘has her concerns’ she told me nothing, just forget she came in here. I do not spend much time with my family because they argue and yell a lot; really that’s about all that they do. My mom said that I am having trouble doing things out in society, since I do not work as much (they cut my hours, if it were up to me I would be working A LOT more), and I am taking online classes (a completely different reason for that as well, and it is only for this semester). She says I do not hang out with my friends, THEY DO NOT INVITE ME ANYMORE, and I have no money to go out. So if they invite me it has to be to hang out at someone’s house, and then I go. My mother told me if I am not happy maybe it’s time for me to move on. um..So you are kicking me out? ‘no I am just saying maybe you need to move on in order for you to be happy’ WTF ‘so you are giving me the same option as my pot head alcoholic brother?’ ‘No I didn’t say anything like that, I just want you to be happy’ so what do you want from me? ‘Nothing just pretends I never came up here.’ Yea so now I have to make an effort to go and get harassed by my father and mother and sister all at the same time. OH! And she told me since it has been two days since Twix’s passing I must be depressed because I haven’t done anything with his cage.’s been two days. Couldn’t you give me a break? Like seriously mom?

My parents gave my brother until April first to move out. He is trying to change, he really is. It’s like they are simply scared of change and since they only know him as the son always on drugs they do not accept it. I have to let my brother go, I think that he moving out will be what is best for him. He will have to be accountable for him actions and fix his problems. Something my parents have always done for him (btw, another issue I have always taken care of myself, I have never really spent much time with my family, they are not like me. so why in the world all of a sudden am I supposed to conform to be like them?)

My sister is on birth control, she is 16. I am the one that took her to get it because I care about her. Although others tell me that if I care about her I would not take her, she would have to figure it out on her own. Apparently my sister doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore (this is what my mom said) because I confronted her about being able to hear her bed moving in the kitchen and my room. I guess I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that. Btw, her bedroom door is shut when her BF is over, that is a big no-no in preventing teen pregnancy, but apparently my parents don’t

So to sum it up here is what I have going right now.
1. BF is ignoring me.
2. Mom thinks I am depressed because I am not smiling enough
3. Brother is kicked out
4. Sister is not talking to me.
Yet! It rocks to be me right now!

Sad thing? All I have been doing is school stuff and working for the past couple of weeks. Apparently being poor means I am depressed. Go me!


  1. You certainly have a lot going on in your life right now. But I can see a couple of things going on that you probably already realize yourself.
    #1 - This is your first 'real' relationship. I remember mine*. The first is particularly hard because you haven't learned to walk the line between giving it your all and holding back everything. If he's been avoiding you for 2 weeks? Unless he gives a reason for the avoidance, it's time to let him go. This has happened to me more times than I can count.
    *The only reason we broke up is that I moved to another state when I was 14. He and I reconnected on Facebook in November and have talked every day since. I never quit loving him, but now what we have is one of the best friendships I could ever imagine. 25 years later. Yeah, I'm 40.
    #2 - Your parents haven't exactly been good role models for healthy relationships. Nuff said.
    #3 - You are young. Enjoy it, but put everything you can into getting a good education. That should be your main focus. Because no matter how wonderful the eventual Mr. Wonderful will be, you need to be prepared to stand on your own. Things happen that you don't forsee, and if you have the confidence that you can take care of yourself? It makes so much difference in how you live your life.

    Yes, I know I ramble. But these are just a few of the lessons I've learned, and am still learning.

  2. gah bar gar er. yea. i know i have to let him go. its hard. but you are right.

    thank you for the advice, much appreciated.