I have issues with my dad, which is not a secret to anyone.
Well, a couple weeks ago he decided that he wanted a relationship with me. And I was all for it, I have always wanted a father. I wanted to be able to have someone to turn to for those important decisions. The tension in the house because of the nonexistent relationship is enough to drive the rest of the family crazy.
Because of this I just stick around in my bedroom or go out. I try to make it easier on everyone, since I did not think anything could change. I keep quiet around my father while he belittles me and I make sure if he asks me to do something I do it. I try to keep the peace.
Well back to a month or so ago we had a ‘family meeting’ (my parents force us all in the same room and tell us how horrible we are doing and tell us everything that we are doing wrong and tell my brother and i if we don’t want to help out with the dishes and stuff we can find an apartment-and I totally would NOW if I could afford to support myself). During this family meeting my father started crying and was talking about how he wanted to change the way things were between him and I and he wanted to make peace and him and I can do things together to bond. He was crying.
So I opened myself up and became vulnerable to him once again (I had closed off all feelings towards him to protect myself from the hurt that he so often caused). He seemed to be making an effort to be nice to me (not call me names or yell as soon as I enter a room), but other than that there was no real change.
I would ask him to go places with me, nothing exciting because due to lack of funds, I cannot go on many exciting adventures.
‘hey dad want to go to the school with me?’
‘dad want to run to target with me?’
‘I am going to the bank want to come?
All questions resulted in a no. so I talked to my mom, she told me to back off and just wait for him to ask me to go somewhere or start a conversation. So I backed off. I stayed away as to avoid a confrontation of any type, and left well enough alone.
Fast forward to last week.
I think he had a bad day. So the name calling started up again. I just ignored it. He fell back into old patterns. Putting me down whenever he could, making sure I know he does not want me around. He tells my mom to not buy the things I like (I am a vegetarian so I eat differently than my family). When I enter a room to talk to him he ignores me, doesn’t even glance at me, he simply stares at the TV or something until I leave, when I talk he pretends he doesn’t hear me. It is like he is trying his hardest to push me away, out of his life.
I made myself vulnerable to him. I opened up and was welcoming him into my life. I had planned on embracing a relationship with my father.
It comes down to the fact that I am rather sensitive to the way my father treats me. And I had just turned off all feelings toward him, but when he cried I opened myself up. I have to protect myself. I cannot allow one man to bring me down (and he is, he really is). So therefore I have to decide if I want to continue to be open and allow him to treat me that way, and hope one day he changes. Or to simply turn off all feeling when it comes to him again and just accept the fact that I do not have a loving father.