Wednesday, February 18, 2009

getting off

**TMI ahead, Baby sister, this is a post I would advise you not to read and definitely do not share with the parents**

So, I am a virgin. Well a virgin it terms of not having sex with a man (or female, dirty birdies). But, I do know how to take care of myself. That said, I have a hard time using my hand, in fact I cannot get to the magic land when I use only my hand; so when I started masturbating (such a dirty word) I would use household objects (we won’t talk about what). But as time went on, aka I turned 18; I decided to go to a sex shop.
I ended up forcing my friends to go with me (there were at my house, I was going with or without them, I think they were just as adventurous as me, they were just scared to admit it). All four of us piled up in my car, and headed for the special shop.
We got there 10 minutes or so before they closed. We were all giggly and were very timid about looking at all of the merchandise. I found a GREAT vibrator to tickle my fancy. So, I paid for my purchase and out the door we went.
When we got back to my house, we took it out of the package and placed the batteries in it. We passed it around; the friends all agreed that this would be the last time they wanted to see it. I then tried to kick them out, not an easy task if you know my friends.
I then went to my bedroom and had a fantastic time. Nemesis (the BF named it) and I had many adventures. Until he broke, and I needed a replacement.
One of my online friends told me of a website, he said I should order one from there, and so I did. I ordered him right before Christmas and told my family that I had ordered one of their Christmas gifts from online, so when the package comes to please just put it in my bedroom, they followed my orders.

Now nothing really happened, no one asked me what it was. I think they pretty much figured it out, and hello it is not something anyone wants to hear their daughter talk about.
Well last night, I was putting something down next to my desk, and I noticed something behind it. It was one of those big envelopes for papers that you are not supposed to fold (like a manila envelope only it was white), I picked it up and saw that it was from ‘Lovers Lane’ (the site I ordered from). It said it was to Jessica ______(insert last name) and that it was to only be opened by Jessica, no one else.
The envelope was open.

Let me repeat that, someone in my family (usually my mom or dad gets the mail) had opened this envelope that said Lovers Lane on the outside.
Would you like to know what was in the envelope, and what someone in my family saw?
I catalog of sex toys and lingerie.
Addressed to me.
And then they hid it in my room.
They opened my mail, and then hide it from me in my room.

So now, someone in my family knows about what I did, and I don’t care about that. HELLO 19 and a virgin. They should be proud of me. Sex toys are much better than STDs.
But I couldn’t get off last night, couldn’t even take Mr. Pleasures out of the drawer, would you like to know why?

Images of my dad wanking off to the images in *my* catalog flooded my mind.


  1. Dude. I can so feel for you. My dad went through my shit all the time. Drove me nuts.

    Maybe rent a PO box? :)

  2. Po box for sure.

    lol@ image of dad!