I think twelve days is long enough to make you wait for an update about what is going on.
My family is crazy and I need to get away. As soon as possible.
They are pretending my dad never said any of that stuff, acted in that way. My brother, mom and I were talking and my brother asked her if my father was serious about what he said. She said she doesn’t know, but she has to take care of herself and Jennifer. So, as of now, no one knows if my father is going to leave or not. All we know is that he is acting as if it never happened. He has also decided that after the winter (remember I live in Minnesota, they are pretty horrible here) he will go back to trucking. CRAZY. This drama and stress is not good for anyone. I have decided that I need to really look out for what is best for me (go me!) and move out as soon as possible to escape the drama and stress of this family. I know moving out will be stressful and VERY challenging, but it is what is best for me.
I think I will get another part time job. So that way I will be working about 45ish hours a week and I should be able to afford to move out. I have gone on an interview, and I really hope I got the job.That will give me enough flexibility to continue with school part time. It may take longer to finish school, but that is okay.
My mom and sister seem to be fine; they have also decided to pretend none of the D stuff happened.
Do you guys remember Adam? He and I talk every day. And it’s a complicated relationship dynamic, he wants me and I want him but he can’t be in a relationship. He thinks he can’t give me what I need or what I deserve. So he won’t allow us to be in a relationship together. If I had it my way I would be in Michigan with him right now. But that is okay. I think over time I will be able to convince him that I know what I want, and that is him.
I don’t really talk to any of the other guys. That phase of me going from guy to guy was horrible, and I believe that was me on the rebound and looking for someone to replace Adam ASAP. I know no one will ever be able to do that though.
Adam also understands me in a way that no one else ever has. Whenever something happens I know that he will make me feel better. I know he will lift my spirits and when him and I talk for those couple of hours at least, he will make me feel like the most amazing person in the world and I will forget everything that is going on.
I hope he hurries in trying to do what is best for me, and just allows me to get what I want.
If it were not for Adam, I don’t think I would be as strong as I am.
P.S thank you Sage for linking me, it really meant a lot. And for those that commented with advice and letting me know my family is in your thoughts and prays, that really means a lot. I love the blogger community and how we (well mostly you guys) are there for everyone, even strangers. It really means a lot. Thank you.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
More info
I cannot think about what is going on. I think about it enough to analyze the situation, figure out a plan. And that is all. If I allow myself to get emotional I know I will break down. My father is ruining everything. He ruined me a long time ago. I have already accepted that and at twenty am fixing myself.
Part of who I am, what I am about, and what God wants of me is to fix people; to heal their pain when I can. But I know I cannot help my mother in any way. I can’t get rid of that feeling that the man she has been with since she was 16, is leaving. He doesn’t care anymore, and is ruining his family. He is tearing them apart, and I hate that I have no control over what is happening.
My sister, his favorite, the one that loves him more than anything, told me that when he leaves, if he does it, she will have nothing to do with him. She hates what he is doing. The way he is abandoning our mother and making her feels so horrible. Her father is destroying everything that she knows.
I don’t know if it’s better being older or younger in the case of a divorce. Since we are older, we know what is going on and know how to handle it better. We are capable of grasping the situation and helping out in whatever little way we can. If we were younger we would just think my dad left, my mom cried for days and days and things got harder. We wouldn’t be able to grasp how hurtful his actions are, we wouldn’t be able to understand that my father is being completely selfish and not caring about his wife and children.
I have a theory; I think he is going through a midlife crisis. He is sick of supporting a family and sees freedom as leaving all of that. It makes sense; I just hope he knows when he decides he wants his family back, we won’t be there.
He doesn’t care the affect he will have on my sister. He is showing her how undependable men are. She will see him as her example and may have trust and/or commitment issues. She trusts him more than any other male, and he is destroying everything she knows. I think my sister in the long run will be affected the most out of everyone.
My mother is a strong woman. But her heart is broken. She feels as if her walls are crashing in. my father is destroying everything she has built. Everything she has worked for, he is taking a sledge hammer and destroying it.
My father also refuses to give my mom any money. He is still living with us, but he says he needs to save ‘his’ money so he can move out. He won’t give her money for bills, groceries, gas, my sister, etc. he doesn’t care what she has to do.
My mom is looking for an apartment, and I am looking for a full time job. I think it would be easier on my mom if she just had my sister and her to take care of. And Stacy and I will simply have to move u our schedule of when we move out, I hope it all works out.
I have no respect for my father. I can’t even look at him. He is acting as if nothing has happened. He is acting as if he is not destroying everything. If you make too much noise though, or do something he doesn’t like, he gets aggressive. He has set up a rule; the internet is only connected when he wants to use it (or is gone). And we no longer have cable.
I have been staying away from home, going to the library all day, going over to Stacy’s, simply not being home.
That means I can’t talk to me mom right now, but I think that is okay. I think she wants space anyway; I know if I were in her shoes I would want space.
My mom hasn’t told any of the relatives. My sister and I are giving her until this weekend to tell my grandma, after that we will tell her. We know it’s not our place to tell, but my mom needs her mom.
I know if I am in the same room as my father and he tells me something, I will go off on him, I won’t be able to just sit there and take it. I just don’t work that way. That is another reason why I have stayed away.
I am looking at it with the mentality that it WILL work itself out. I will find a full time job and still be able to find a way to go to school. Stacy and I will find an apartment, my mom will find an apartment and we will all be fine.
The part that hurts me the most is not being able to take away their hurt, but I know that it will be okay someday.
So there it is, that is what is going on, I am sure I will be posting a lot about it. And I think that is pretty understandable. As you can tell, I am holding up a guard as to my emotions about it. I think if I let that down I will break down.
Part of who I am, what I am about, and what God wants of me is to fix people; to heal their pain when I can. But I know I cannot help my mother in any way. I can’t get rid of that feeling that the man she has been with since she was 16, is leaving. He doesn’t care anymore, and is ruining his family. He is tearing them apart, and I hate that I have no control over what is happening.
My sister, his favorite, the one that loves him more than anything, told me that when he leaves, if he does it, she will have nothing to do with him. She hates what he is doing. The way he is abandoning our mother and making her feels so horrible. Her father is destroying everything that she knows.
I don’t know if it’s better being older or younger in the case of a divorce. Since we are older, we know what is going on and know how to handle it better. We are capable of grasping the situation and helping out in whatever little way we can. If we were younger we would just think my dad left, my mom cried for days and days and things got harder. We wouldn’t be able to grasp how hurtful his actions are, we wouldn’t be able to understand that my father is being completely selfish and not caring about his wife and children.
I have a theory; I think he is going through a midlife crisis. He is sick of supporting a family and sees freedom as leaving all of that. It makes sense; I just hope he knows when he decides he wants his family back, we won’t be there.
He doesn’t care the affect he will have on my sister. He is showing her how undependable men are. She will see him as her example and may have trust and/or commitment issues. She trusts him more than any other male, and he is destroying everything she knows. I think my sister in the long run will be affected the most out of everyone.
My mother is a strong woman. But her heart is broken. She feels as if her walls are crashing in. my father is destroying everything she has built. Everything she has worked for, he is taking a sledge hammer and destroying it.
My father also refuses to give my mom any money. He is still living with us, but he says he needs to save ‘his’ money so he can move out. He won’t give her money for bills, groceries, gas, my sister, etc. he doesn’t care what she has to do.
My mom is looking for an apartment, and I am looking for a full time job. I think it would be easier on my mom if she just had my sister and her to take care of. And Stacy and I will simply have to move u our schedule of when we move out, I hope it all works out.
I have no respect for my father. I can’t even look at him. He is acting as if nothing has happened. He is acting as if he is not destroying everything. If you make too much noise though, or do something he doesn’t like, he gets aggressive. He has set up a rule; the internet is only connected when he wants to use it (or is gone). And we no longer have cable.
I have been staying away from home, going to the library all day, going over to Stacy’s, simply not being home.
That means I can’t talk to me mom right now, but I think that is okay. I think she wants space anyway; I know if I were in her shoes I would want space.
My mom hasn’t told any of the relatives. My sister and I are giving her until this weekend to tell my grandma, after that we will tell her. We know it’s not our place to tell, but my mom needs her mom.
I know if I am in the same room as my father and he tells me something, I will go off on him, I won’t be able to just sit there and take it. I just don’t work that way. That is another reason why I have stayed away.
I am looking at it with the mentality that it WILL work itself out. I will find a full time job and still be able to find a way to go to school. Stacy and I will find an apartment, my mom will find an apartment and we will all be fine.
The part that hurts me the most is not being able to take away their hurt, but I know that it will be okay someday.
So there it is, that is what is going on, I am sure I will be posting a lot about it. And I think that is pretty understandable. As you can tell, I am holding up a guard as to my emotions about it. I think if I let that down I will break down.
Monday, August 31, 2009
D.
Last night my father informed my mom he will be finding an apartment, moving out, and filing for divorce.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
happy
I am teaching myself to be an optimist. I started it HERE and it seems that finally I am able to be happier by thinking positively. So, here is my list of the little things that make me happy.
1. Waking up to text messages.
2. French toast
3. The feeling of my bunny snuggling to my chest.
4. My chalk board
5. Visits at work
6. Catching fish
7. Knowing I am amazing
8. Snuggling with my sister
9. Introducing people to new music
10. Laughing at myself and others
I find that I am more and more in love with myself every day. I love where I am right now in my life. I love how happy I am. I love how I am doing what I want without thinking about others. I love how I have really changed my outlook on everything.
1. Waking up to text messages.
2. French toast
3. The feeling of my bunny snuggling to my chest.
4. My chalk board
5. Visits at work
6. Catching fish
7. Knowing I am amazing
8. Snuggling with my sister
9. Introducing people to new music
10. Laughing at myself and others
I find that I am more and more in love with myself every day. I love where I am right now in my life. I love how happy I am. I love how I am doing what I want without thinking about others. I love how I have really changed my outlook on everything.
Monday, August 10, 2009
glimmer of hope
You know those impossible situations, the ones you think you will NEVER get out of, the ones that make you lift your head to the sky and whisper ‘please God, please just let me survive this moment’ and you pull yourself together, and you reach as far into what is going on, and you simply immerse yourself into the problem, into the event you do not think you will get out of.
Once you are in that moment fully surrounded by the situation at hand and after you have prayed there is always that glimmer of hope. That sliver of a chance that you WILL survive this and you will be stronger for it. You feel that even if everything goes wrong you will recover and be able to have a great story to tell and a great lesson learned.
That feeling that you have to try your hardest and you have to have something more than yourself helping you in order to pull through.
That feeling that gets you through the impossible and allows you to move on in your life, allowing you to overcome this battle that you have.
And when that moment is over, when that fight is over, and you are catching your breath and sitting still until your heart rate goes back to normal. You get a smile on your face, and you think to yourself ‘wow, I really just did that’.
I love that. I love knowing that I am stronger than I thought I was. I love knowing God is there helping me through everything.
And to take this one step further; I really enjoy looking back and smiling, remember how hard the situation seemed, and smiling because now, looking back, that mountain is no more than a hiccup in life.
Once you are in that moment fully surrounded by the situation at hand and after you have prayed there is always that glimmer of hope. That sliver of a chance that you WILL survive this and you will be stronger for it. You feel that even if everything goes wrong you will recover and be able to have a great story to tell and a great lesson learned.
That feeling that you have to try your hardest and you have to have something more than yourself helping you in order to pull through.
That feeling that gets you through the impossible and allows you to move on in your life, allowing you to overcome this battle that you have.
And when that moment is over, when that fight is over, and you are catching your breath and sitting still until your heart rate goes back to normal. You get a smile on your face, and you think to yourself ‘wow, I really just did that’.
I love that. I love knowing that I am stronger than I thought I was. I love knowing God is there helping me through everything.
And to take this one step further; I really enjoy looking back and smiling, remember how hard the situation seemed, and smiling because now, looking back, that mountain is no more than a hiccup in life.
Friday, August 7, 2009
things that make me happy.
alright, this is the bunny. He has taken to humping my arm, and if i push him away he tries to bite me. Now, I googled it and found that bunnies that are not fixed do this, he is fixed. So if anyone knows why he is doing this please let me know.
this is a northern. it is the biggest fish i caught on vacation. Fishing was pretty horrible to be honest. the weather was bad and we didnt catch anything really. i had my grandma hold it so i could take a clear picture.
We have no cupcake shoppes in Minnesota. the closest i can get are ice cream cupcakes. so not the same. i contacted a bakery in Michigan and asked if they would ship to me... it was a no go. i love how pretty they are. makes me happy looking at them (no joke i cant stop smiling when i see pictures-yes i took more than one- of them).
This of course, is my Nephew Lucas. LOOK HOW BIG HE IS!!!!! he is no longer in an infant car seat!!! and i am really hopeing that is just water in there.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Life
I am doing the last minute emails and messages and last minute things that need to be taken care while I am out of town. I have started getting into the blogging thing again. I have so much to read still though. I have blogs from a month ago that I have not read yet. When I get back things should calm down for a week or two and then I will be back in school, something I am very scared about.
It’s a little after three AM, and I am wide awake, I have a majority of my stuff packed, and I am very excited about leaving in the afternoon tomorrow. My family keeps joking around about the Bestie driving ‘if you leave my 1pm than you will be there by 11pm’….. it’s a three hour drive. I am excited, the Bestie and I have not spend nearly as much time together as we should be. I am worried that our guys will get in the way of us bonding during this week. I am also very very excited about having a bed buddy, for an entire week! who wouldn’t love that?
I am worried about leaving my beloved Bunny (whom is named Hershey) for a week with my sister, I don’t know if she will give him enough attention or not. I guess the only thing to do is to find out.
I feel as if I am slowly figuring things out. The pieces are slowly getting put together again. I do not know what I want to do with my life as of yet, but I know what I want to do with the time that I have right now. I have amazing friends that will stick with me through anything,. I have developed a very great support system of friends and I absolutely do not know what I would do without them.
I will see you all when I get back in a week.
It’s a little after three AM, and I am wide awake, I have a majority of my stuff packed, and I am very excited about leaving in the afternoon tomorrow. My family keeps joking around about the Bestie driving ‘if you leave my 1pm than you will be there by 11pm’….. it’s a three hour drive. I am excited, the Bestie and I have not spend nearly as much time together as we should be. I am worried that our guys will get in the way of us bonding during this week. I am also very very excited about having a bed buddy, for an entire week! who wouldn’t love that?
I am worried about leaving my beloved Bunny (whom is named Hershey) for a week with my sister, I don’t know if she will give him enough attention or not. I guess the only thing to do is to find out.
I feel as if I am slowly figuring things out. The pieces are slowly getting put together again. I do not know what I want to do with my life as of yet, but I know what I want to do with the time that I have right now. I have amazing friends that will stick with me through anything,. I have developed a very great support system of friends and I absolutely do not know what I would do without them.
I will see you all when I get back in a week.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
NEW BUNNY!!!
So my sister and I went to the humane society and were just looking at everything, no intention of adopting (as is the norm). We saw the dogs, and the cats. We then swooped by to see the rabbits. There was a man that was holding one, telling me how awesome it was (he seemed a little off his rocker) and I knew my sister would want to hold the rabbit, so I asked if he minded if I held it.
He said sure and handed the rabbit over. I went into one of the safety rooms, and my sister followed.
We both fell in love with this rabbit. We started texting our mom, telling her we were coming home with a rabbit, she told us to just not come home (she did not like the idea). My sister and I could not leave without this cute little bunny, no way.
We knew if we could get our mom to hold the bunny, she wouldn’t make us take it back, but that would be hard. We also had to make sure we could return it if we couldn’t talk her into it.
We asked questions, filled out the paperwork and then the lady asked me if we lived with parents... we did. She said that in order to adopt the rabbit one of our parents had to come in and see the bunny and okay it.... not possible.
So, she put the rabbit on a hold for us, for 24 hours so we could try to get our mom or dad to come in. my sister and I then advised a plan.
We would call the guy my sister babysits for and have HIM come in and pretend to be her dad (my step dad). so, we got a hold of him, and as luck would have it he was driving this way, so he wouldn’t mind stopping in.
so our 'dad' got there and held the bunny, and LOVED him. We talked to the same lady, and finished the paperwork for the adoption.
WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! We now had our very own bunny!!!!!!!!
We then brought him in the house and my mom was NOT HAPPY. She told us to take him back. NOW. She wouldn’t even look at him. We did our sad faces, let the bunny say hi to the dogs and pretty much just gave the bunny a lot of attention. Finally my mom looked at the paperwork and said if my dad said yes, we could keep him.
So we had to drive to my dad’s work. My mom then told us we should probably lie and say we found the bunny outside. So we devised a story that the bunny was outside with the dogs, just chilling and when we put our hand down he just came right up to us (the bunny really does do this). So we found my dad, and told him what had happened. He said we should put up some flyers because obviously someone had lost a bunny, and if it is not found we could keep him.
WOOO HOOOO!!!!! Now we really FOR SURE have a bunny.
So, now I am chilling on my bed with the bunny hopping around, really loving his company; while my dad is downstairs searching for missing rabbits.
He said sure and handed the rabbit over. I went into one of the safety rooms, and my sister followed.
We both fell in love with this rabbit. We started texting our mom, telling her we were coming home with a rabbit, she told us to just not come home (she did not like the idea). My sister and I could not leave without this cute little bunny, no way.
We knew if we could get our mom to hold the bunny, she wouldn’t make us take it back, but that would be hard. We also had to make sure we could return it if we couldn’t talk her into it.
We asked questions, filled out the paperwork and then the lady asked me if we lived with parents... we did. She said that in order to adopt the rabbit one of our parents had to come in and see the bunny and okay it.... not possible.
So, she put the rabbit on a hold for us, for 24 hours so we could try to get our mom or dad to come in. my sister and I then advised a plan.
We would call the guy my sister babysits for and have HIM come in and pretend to be her dad (my step dad). so, we got a hold of him, and as luck would have it he was driving this way, so he wouldn’t mind stopping in.
so our 'dad' got there and held the bunny, and LOVED him. We talked to the same lady, and finished the paperwork for the adoption.
WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! We now had our very own bunny!!!!!!!!
We then brought him in the house and my mom was NOT HAPPY. She told us to take him back. NOW. She wouldn’t even look at him. We did our sad faces, let the bunny say hi to the dogs and pretty much just gave the bunny a lot of attention. Finally my mom looked at the paperwork and said if my dad said yes, we could keep him.
So we had to drive to my dad’s work. My mom then told us we should probably lie and say we found the bunny outside. So we devised a story that the bunny was outside with the dogs, just chilling and when we put our hand down he just came right up to us (the bunny really does do this). So we found my dad, and told him what had happened. He said we should put up some flyers because obviously someone had lost a bunny, and if it is not found we could keep him.
WOOO HOOOO!!!!! Now we really FOR SURE have a bunny.
So, now I am chilling on my bed with the bunny hopping around, really loving his company; while my dad is downstairs searching for missing rabbits.
Monday, July 27, 2009
letters
Lately people have been writing short letters to people. I think I am going to do the same.
Dear God,
Please help me answer some of my questions. I know you are out there, but what religion is the right one for me? it would help me a lot of you could maybe show me a direction in which I should go for this one.
Dear brother,
Your drinking is hurting the entire family; so is your drug use. I know you are a great person but when you drink you turn into a monster. I love you more than you will ever know, but I cant have anything to do with you when you drink.
Dear job market,
If you could please give me an amazing job that I love and gives me more money than I am making now, I promise to treat you really well.
Dear Nephew,
At night I think about how you are sleeping down in texas and how I am missing out on everything in your life. I am sorry I cant be the aunt I want to be, when you are older I hope we get to spend more time together. I love you.
Dear TV,
I don’t have time for you! I am sorry, but when I check out what you have recorded and I have almost 50 hours, I freak out and turn you off. When I turn you off I hope that somehow those shows will go away, but when I come back and there are more, I FREAK OUT.
Dear sewing machine,
I plan on using you more. I hope you are prepared.
Dear sleep,
I like you best when you are at least eight hours or leave me because of a sweet text. I also like you best when I am naked. Thank you for keeping me sane.
Dear God,
Please help me answer some of my questions. I know you are out there, but what religion is the right one for me? it would help me a lot of you could maybe show me a direction in which I should go for this one.
Dear brother,
Your drinking is hurting the entire family; so is your drug use. I know you are a great person but when you drink you turn into a monster. I love you more than you will ever know, but I cant have anything to do with you when you drink.
Dear job market,
If you could please give me an amazing job that I love and gives me more money than I am making now, I promise to treat you really well.
Dear Nephew,
At night I think about how you are sleeping down in texas and how I am missing out on everything in your life. I am sorry I cant be the aunt I want to be, when you are older I hope we get to spend more time together. I love you.
Dear TV,
I don’t have time for you! I am sorry, but when I check out what you have recorded and I have almost 50 hours, I freak out and turn you off. When I turn you off I hope that somehow those shows will go away, but when I come back and there are more, I FREAK OUT.
Dear sewing machine,
I plan on using you more. I hope you are prepared.
Dear sleep,
I like you best when you are at least eight hours or leave me because of a sweet text. I also like you best when I am naked. Thank you for keeping me sane.
Friday, July 24, 2009
cuddling dreams
I have had these amazing dreams lately. I think others would agree with me on that point. They are rather simple, no action, no running around, no sex even(would that constitute as being categorized under action?). they are plain and simple. And I will try and convey one of them to you here.
Usually it starts out with me waking up, with someone next to me. the feeling of the warmth of their body next to mine. In the dream I can tell they love me and I love them as well. Usually his arms are around me, and our legs are touching. He nuzzles my neck with his nose and squeezes his arms around me. I take in his scent and keep my eyes closed. We stay cuddled together, enjoying each others company.We fall back asleep, in our lovers embrace. Eventually I wake up and turn around so I am facing him, and then we cuddle that way for a little while.
It’s a really simple dream, but I love it. and to be honest, it’s the best dream I think I have ever had. And I love that I have them almost every night. I love the feeling that is inside them, being protected and having someone love me so much. And I love knowing that one day this will all happen.
I am getting all gushy now aren’t I? I will stop now.
Sorry for being MIA, everything is super busy.
Usually it starts out with me waking up, with someone next to me. the feeling of the warmth of their body next to mine. In the dream I can tell they love me and I love them as well. Usually his arms are around me, and our legs are touching. He nuzzles my neck with his nose and squeezes his arms around me. I take in his scent and keep my eyes closed. We stay cuddled together, enjoying each others company.We fall back asleep, in our lovers embrace. Eventually I wake up and turn around so I am facing him, and then we cuddle that way for a little while.
It’s a really simple dream, but I love it. and to be honest, it’s the best dream I think I have ever had. And I love that I have them almost every night. I love the feeling that is inside them, being protected and having someone love me so much. And I love knowing that one day this will all happen.
I am getting all gushy now aren’t I? I will stop now.
Sorry for being MIA, everything is super busy.
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