I cannot think about what is going on. I think about it enough to analyze the situation, figure out a plan. And that is all. If I allow myself to get emotional I know I will break down. My father is ruining everything. He ruined me a long time ago. I have already accepted that and at twenty am fixing myself.
Part of who I am, what I am about, and what God wants of me is to fix people; to heal their pain when I can. But I know I cannot help my mother in any way. I can’t get rid of that feeling that the man she has been with since she was 16, is leaving. He doesn’t care anymore, and is ruining his family. He is tearing them apart, and I hate that I have no control over what is happening.
My sister, his favorite, the one that loves him more than anything, told me that when he leaves, if he does it, she will have nothing to do with him. She hates what he is doing. The way he is abandoning our mother and making her feels so horrible. Her father is destroying everything that she knows.
I don’t know if it’s better being older or younger in the case of a divorce. Since we are older, we know what is going on and know how to handle it better. We are capable of grasping the situation and helping out in whatever little way we can. If we were younger we would just think my dad left, my mom cried for days and days and things got harder. We wouldn’t be able to grasp how hurtful his actions are, we wouldn’t be able to understand that my father is being completely selfish and not caring about his wife and children.
I have a theory; I think he is going through a midlife crisis. He is sick of supporting a family and sees freedom as leaving all of that. It makes sense; I just hope he knows when he decides he wants his family back, we won’t be there.
He doesn’t care the affect he will have on my sister. He is showing her how undependable men are. She will see him as her example and may have trust and/or commitment issues. She trusts him more than any other male, and he is destroying everything she knows. I think my sister in the long run will be affected the most out of everyone.
My mother is a strong woman. But her heart is broken. She feels as if her walls are crashing in. my father is destroying everything she has built. Everything she has worked for, he is taking a sledge hammer and destroying it.
My father also refuses to give my mom any money. He is still living with us, but he says he needs to save ‘his’ money so he can move out. He won’t give her money for bills, groceries, gas, my sister, etc. he doesn’t care what she has to do.
My mom is looking for an apartment, and I am looking for a full time job. I think it would be easier on my mom if she just had my sister and her to take care of. And Stacy and I will simply have to move u our schedule of when we move out, I hope it all works out.
I have no respect for my father. I can’t even look at him. He is acting as if nothing has happened. He is acting as if he is not destroying everything. If you make too much noise though, or do something he doesn’t like, he gets aggressive. He has set up a rule; the internet is only connected when he wants to use it (or is gone). And we no longer have cable.
I have been staying away from home, going to the library all day, going over to Stacy’s, simply not being home.
That means I can’t talk to me mom right now, but I think that is okay. I think she wants space anyway; I know if I were in her shoes I would want space.
My mom hasn’t told any of the relatives. My sister and I are giving her until this weekend to tell my grandma, after that we will tell her. We know it’s not our place to tell, but my mom needs her mom.
I know if I am in the same room as my father and he tells me something, I will go off on him, I won’t be able to just sit there and take it. I just don’t work that way. That is another reason why I have stayed away.
I am looking at it with the mentality that it WILL work itself out. I will find a full time job and still be able to find a way to go to school. Stacy and I will find an apartment, my mom will find an apartment and we will all be fine.
The part that hurts me the most is not being able to take away their hurt, but I know that it will be okay someday.
So there it is, that is what is going on, I am sure I will be posting a lot about it. And I think that is pretty understandable. As you can tell, I am holding up a guard as to my emotions about it. I think if I let that down I will break down.