it is no secret that Gord is older than me. by about 15 years. And to me, that doesn’t matter. I love him and want to be with him. I find that we complement each other very well, and are sort of the ying to each other’s yang.
But he feels like he would hold me back. He doesn’t want to travel, and he doesn’t want me to have to take care of him. At this moment in time he does not see us getting married, or having kids. He can’t really picture a future with us.
But he wants to be with me, and he loves me more than he has loved before. And he sees us as really well together. He just doesn’t see us having a future.
And when we talk about this, I but on my brave face and I pretend that it doesn’t hurt me. The man that I want to be with, doesn’t see himself with me.
My head keeps going in circles, is he with me now because he doesn’t want to break my heart? Because he doesn’t want to be alone? Is he with me now because it is habit for him, and he doesn’t want to break that habit yet?
Is he just prolonging my heartbreak?
Am I being stupid by hoping and being positive that this will pass, and he will overcome this age thing, at least enough to give us a chance to try and have a future together?
I want to be with him, and I will fight with everything I have to make him and I work. And we may not last forever, but I just want the chance to TRY and see if we can last. I want him to allow us to go on the adventure of our relationship together. And if we don’t work, it would be a learning experience for him and I. but he wont even let us have that change right now.
So, I am trying not to think about it, and being brave and pretending that it doesn’t hurt that he doesn’t see us having a future, because I really want to enjoy everything about him while I can.