Lazy Days and Long Nights

Sickly

2012-02-09T12:06:00.002-06:00

My alarm clock wakes me up in the morning at 8am every day; and every day I turn it off and tell myself I should sleep in, I am not ready for the day yet. And I go back to sleep and when I wake up all refreshed and ready for the day I get out of bed and figure out my plan (I like having a plan). And then I look at the clock and its always around 8:10am.

Yea, my body lets me sleep in for a whopping 10 minutes. And I elliptical it, because that is what my body is telling me it wants and shower and yadda yadda boring every day stuff.

Well today, I woke up and was exhausted. So I went back to bed.

And when I woke up I still felt exhausted, so I looked at the clock, it was 11:00am. so I forced myself out of bed and I forced myself on the elliptical.

And my body yelled at me. and told me NO I CANT DO THIS TODAY. Which was odd, so I told myself YES YOU CAN but I couldn’t, I felt horrible so after 2 minutes I got off. And I was hot, like super hot. Not like a ‘I worked out so hard’ hot it was a ‘I think I have a fever’ hot.

And it hit me.

I am getting sick. I have a sore throat that I was ignoring, and I have had the flemmy thing going on for a few days and yesterday I was coughing.

So I am in bed. and it is 12:02pm and I have to shower and get ready for work soon. But I just want to just lay here and lay here until Sunday.

Here is a picture for reading my boring story

good starts

2012-01-26T11:28:00.000-06:00

Two posts in one month… wow I must be going crazy!

I wanted to update everyone on how the 400 miles in a year is going. To be honest, its going very slow. So far I am only at 13.5 miles. BUT I think that is a great start! And my goal is to do 20 miles by the end of January, and I am on track for that. and then I need 40 miles in February and in march to be on track to 400 this year; so I have my work cut out for me.

Also! I am thinking about going to school to become a sonography (ultrasound) tech. I still have things to work out but as for now I am thinking of moving into a dorm room in the fall and living off of student loans for 3 years to go to school and get a career in ultrasounds! I am very excited for it; but I have not decided anything yet. But right now, in all honesty, it feels like a great fit for me.

I am being responsible again this year, and it is off to a good start. I feel like being positive and going after the things you want really does work out. I just have to commit to something and follow through..which is much harder than it sounds. But I am started off on the right foot with disciplining myself on the elliptical.

Please wish me luck in all that I am aiming for, I am going to need a lot of support in order to accomplish it.

Cheers

Hello World!

2012-01-24T08:50:00.000-06:00

Hello World! Boy, do I have a lot to tell you. I was in Vancouver with Gord for five weeks, and I will not deny I have never been happier in my life. Just being able to see him every day. and to nag him in person, what could be better?

And then I came home. and everything sort of went south. And I was all negative and omg this is horrible I don’t know how to deal with it. you know, a bunch of rubbish. And then I remembered BE POSITIVE JESSICA. And I changed my way of thinking, and things are looking up again.

I am thinking of going to school to become a sonography tech (ultrasounds and stuff). It would be a very big change, and would require me taking out student loans to live on, and me living in a dorm. But I am really in love with this idea. I haven’t finalized anything yet, but I have been excited about it for about a week now, so its looking good.

I am running! Well, on the elliptical. And I am totally doing great at it. but right now it has a horrible squeak (the elliptical, not me) so I haven’t used it for two days; and let me tell you my legs are yelling at me that they want to run.

So I am going over to my parents house this morning to take some WD-40 to hopefully fix it. I am also eating healthy again and whatnot.

And I am back to work. at trugreen (which is just as horrible as last year) and my Nanny job (which I love).

Stacy and I are friends again. I don’t think I mentioned that.

Valentine ’s Day is coming up. I have to remember to remind Gord, because I would like my card on time (I ask for so much, I know).

Oh! My bunnies! They are fantastic! I really do love them. they are great cuddlers…let me tell you!

I hope everyone is doing well!

Love you very much

Jess

2012 here i come.

2011-12-28T14:53:00.001-06:00

Last years new year resolution was to forget responsibility and travel and learn more about myself; and I did just that. I started the year out with Gord in Chicago, and I could not have imagined anything better. We had an absolutely amazing time.

Then off to DC on a train, with my grandmother. It created a lot of memories for both of us, and I enjoyed the time with her. after DC I saw Glee *live* in concert with my old man friend, Keith. I always have a great time annoying the bejesus out of him, so it was good.

Then I moved out onto my own. I found my own place, signed my lease (no cosigner for me) and out of the nest I went. The next week I saw backstreet boys in concert (amazing) and flew to Vancouver to be with my love.

Things didn’t slow down. I started being a nanny to three wonderful brats ermm I mean kids, I went on a cruise, and ended the year spending over a month back in Vancouver (I really love this city). I ate healthier this year and found I loved the elliptical.

I would say it is rather successful.

This year my resolution is to run 400 miles on the elliptical (yea..thats a lot). And to continue to eat EVEN HEALTHIER.

I think I already drive stacy crazy with my ‘I only eat whole grain pasta’ ‘why do you eat that? if you do this instead its soo much healthier for you’ ‘omg I will cook for you. you are not eating out every night!’

I would also like to continue to save, so hopefully Gord and I can go on a cruise at the end of the year.

I have also decided this is the year I am going to find out what I am going to go to school for. And go back to school for it, even if its part time.

I have big ambitions, but I know I can get them all done.

Here is to a new, healthier, even better year for 2012.

update

2011-12-09T15:05:00.001-06:00

Gordon is all ‘eat healthy be healthy blah blah blah’ and I totally agree; even with the blah blah blahs, but I am a women. Which means chocolate is vital for my survival in this world. So today, I walked to a drug store (like a snyders in the states), and bought a BIG bag of mixed chocolate candies. I then sat on the couch and ate a crapload of them.

And now I feel like crap. But at least I have candies hidden (oh yes I went there)?

I have decided I don’t really have anything to write about, and don’t have any motivation to write. But I love my blog, and sometimes I do feel I need to write in it or get something off my chest. So it will stay here, but I will not be writing at all often.

My first day in Vancouver (I am here until the second week in January) I was all ‘I am going to be so cool and walk here and there and everywhere and explore and be super amazing and just like a local’ what happened was a wee different. I ended up getting lost. And walked into the wrong apartment complex when a cleaner guy opened the door for me and called me darling more than once and questioned who I was and what I was doing there and inspected my keys, only to find out when I walked away from him it was the wrong building. I also got a little lost walking to the seawall and that’s how I ended up all over.

But you know? I love living with Gord. We are starting to get comfortable around each other (I was little spooned last night because he said something mean and I was gassy…that will teach him). I plan on upping the kissing, I just have to get the courage to do it.

We cook dinner together every night which I love. I am doing the dishes so he can do what he has to do, and that means more time for me (and you thought I was doing it to be nice to him).

Everything is going well, and I am glad we have been giving this opportunity to have this time together.

motivation

2011-11-02T10:33:00.001-05:00

Would you like to know what i am doing? Eating cereal and watching vampire diaries. Last night, I had ice cream for dinner. Today, I thought about how I NEED the elliptical but then I saw a picture of the cast of vampire diaries…and all hope was lost, and we won’t even talk about how messy my house is; or that I am hosting this month’s book club and haven’t started the book yet.

You know what happens when I get my period? I become functional. I do as little as possible, and I try not to eat too much chocolate. Because in all honestly, all my body wants to do is nothing. And eat. And for someone trying to lose weight, it sucks. So I told myself, I may have ice cream last night but NO MORE. And I wont have to get on the elliptical now, but AFTER work I need at least 30 minutes. Its all about tricking the body into thinking it got what it wants.

Because the cereal? Kashi cheerio’s. haha. And my body thought it got sugar.

Hopefully this goes away fast, because I am having trouble tricking my body. it is much better at tricking me.

another list

2011-10-10T12:37:00.001-05:00

10 things happening now (since lists are easy)

1. I am trying to win 1000$ from the radio (keyword: TRYING)

2. I cleaned my kitchen and the rabbit cage! Now I need to work towards the rest of my house..

3. I went to the zoo with my sister this weekend. I think she is really nervous about having a baby

4. I am rather pissed off at my internet company at the moment. I believe IT IS their fault when I don’t have internet, they believe otherwise.

5. I cant wait to see Eric and Kayla again (they are 2 and 4) so we can snuggle and they can drive me crazy

6. I am not making plans next weekend. Next weekend belongs to me.

7. Elliptical and eating healthy are the way to go. The numbers on the scale CAN go down instead of up!

8. Getting laid off puts a lot of stress on you, and makes you worry about money and about going on a cruise.

9. Last week I turned 22 ½.

10. When I look in the mirror I love the beautiful person I see looking back at me.

sitting

2011-10-03T10:47:00.001-05:00

I will be laid off in about 6 weeks.

I go on a cruise in 3 weeks.

In 8 weeks I will be spending 4 weeks in Vancouver. With my love.

I find I have a hard time sitting still. Since this year has begun, I have been constantly moving. Going on trips planning trips, exploring Minnesota. Going on all sorts of adventures.

So this weekend, was a challenge for me. every time I moved my head would hurt more and more. And I couldn’t keep my eyes focused on anything. I slept almost the entire day, and if I wasn’t sleeping I was taking a bath to feel better.

Being sick is horrible. it makes me feel really bad for those that are sick more than they are well. How do they sit around and do nothing all the time? how do they not go crazy?

My mom isn’t doing well. She is having surgery in December. You can tell she is in a lot of pain, and it hurts when she moves. She isn’t very happy. she loves going out and doing things. And she still does, but you can tell she is in constant pain. Its hard to watch because she hates sitting still. But, December is almost here. Hopefully the recovery process will be shorter than expected.

I hope all of you are doing well.

Love you

Jess

2 days

2011-09-28T12:45:00.001-05:00

10 Things that have happened in the past day or two:

1. I realized more often than not, I squeal when looking in my jewelry box and finding the perfect thing for my outfit.

2. I went to target (which is dangerous in itself) and forgot my list, but decided WHAT THE HEY I can do this! And left with 2 of the 6 things on my forgotten list, and a few new things not on it.

3. I cut myself with a really sharp knife and found I can’t find my band aids. Only to realize AFTER I drove to work with my bleeding finger, they are in my medicine cabinet.

4. I gave Heratio a pep talk on how to NOT let Albert bite his ears.

5. I got motivated to do the elliptical AND talked myself out of needed a cookie for breakfast.

6. I have avoided doing the dishes. Who needs a sink or counterpace anyway?

7. I have started my list for what I need to pack for my cruise.

8. I have informed Gord of some of the things I am planning to do while I am there in December, and he is at work (note: he doesn’t get a say).

9. I admitted to myself the reason my pants are getting tighter is because I am eating more and exercising less (please look at number 5 again).

10. I got to shop for a baby present!

**BONUS**

11. I found out I am going to be a Godmother!!

The beginning of fall

2011-09-14T09:38:00.000-05:00

Hate.

2011-09-11T09:35:00.000-05:00

There are so many people that have lost their lives, all because of hate. It happens all over the world, every single day. And it breaks my heart.

Grandmas

2011-09-09T09:37:00.000-05:00

I am not used to having 2 days off in a row, or having free time to do whatever I would like. So on Labor Day when I found I had nothing to do, I surprised my grandma with a visit.

I drove the 3 hours up north to find her napping. When I snuck around to the other side of the chair and said hello she was quit surprised; she got a big smile on her face and was really excited to see me.

She made me lunch, and then we hung up some wall décor for her. AND THEN we went to willey’s and got bait so I could fish! You cannot go up north and not fish! So my grandmother and I sat down by the dock and fished for a few hours.

When we went up to the house she did what she could to get me to stay, but I knew I had to go home because it was back to work the next day. my grandpa came in to say hello, and he was extremely glad to see me as well.

When we hugged goodbye they both got teary eyed and did not want me to leave. I told them I would be back and walked out before I started crying too.

It was exactly what I needed. The love of my family. I hadn’t been up there in such a long time, and it was well worth the trip. I hope I get the idea to do it again sometime soon.

pictures?

2011-09-06T12:03:00.000-05:00

I Never showed any of my pictures from Vancouver! I did not have a camera charger, and my camera hadnt been charged since my trip to DC..so I did not get any AMAZING shots, but here are some things that happened on the adventure:

I am just like the locals! hanging out at Tim Hortons!

I am thinking i should be a jelly fish photographer...

Here is Gord having fun on one of the TWO suspension bridges we went on (this was the small one)

Here I am..surviving the suspension bridge

I even got to see mountains one day! When the clouds clear it sure was beautiful.

realization

2011-09-03T08:59:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things just hit you. they are there in the background and nothing changes, and you just realize HOLY CRAP; this is how things are.

Yesterday I realized how alone I am. I live by myself. I have no close friends, my family seems to not want anything to do with me anymore, and my boyfriend lives in Canada. Kristen, is always doing something with school or busy with family (that’s what happens when you have such a large family).

I have no one to invite over in the middle of the night, or day. I have no one to help do my dishes or bring me over dinner once in a while. I have no one here. I am utterly alone.

I live by myself, I take care of myself. I have no one to lean on. I cant be lazy for a day and say ‘hey I don’t really feel like making dinner’ because if I don’t feel like making dinner, I don’t eat. Its that simple.

Honestly, I don’t like it. I hate not having anyone here. I have even thought about becoming friends with Stacy again JUST to have someone that will be here whenever I need it.

But, I am not that desperate.

I am lonely. I want someone here with me. I want someone to lean on, and to be there to pester me and to annoy me. and to make messes I have to clean.

I miss having someone around. Maybe I didn’t think this through all the way. maybe I should have not moved out on my own. Maybe I cant do it. I don’t know. I think it is sinking in that there is NO ONE to depend on me, but myself. And if I screw up its on me. and I don’t have someone waiting for me at home to help clean up the mess afterwards.

mornings

2011-09-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

My phone rings each and every morning, and I reach my hand out, because I know by instinct where it is. I push the talk button and usually make a sound so he knows I am there. and he makes the same sound back. it’s the sound that says ‘I wish you were here’ I know his eyes are closed too. We are picturing the same thing, us together, in the same bed. his arms around me. feeling each others warmth. Feeling our hearts beating together.

He whispers he loves me, and I say it back. imagining tightening my arms around him because I hear him roll onto his back. I squeeze my pillow pretending it is him. wanting him to stay in bed just a little while longer. I hear him say he has to go to work, but know he doesn’t want to ruin the moment. If I am awake enough I am sneaky enough to do something or say something to get another minute of this peace. But some mornings, I am too tired to use my brain. He says he loves me, and I imagine him giving me a squeeze, and kissing my forehead. We exchange I love you’s and be safes, and hang up the phone.

My eyes open. I know he is out of bed, looking back at the now empty bed; he wishes I was in it. I wish I was in it. I give him sad eyes, because although he cant see me, I know he knows what I am doing. Just as I know what he is doing.

I go back to sleep, he goes off to work.

I wake up again an hour or so later, by myself. Wishing I was waking up in his bed.

I miss him. I miss him terribly, every single morning.

Hertio's needs

2011-08-29T22:46:00.000-05:00

Heratio is used to commotion. He is used to people coming and saying hello to him and sneaking him treats. He is used to being pet all the time. he is now alone most of the day. and when I do come home, I usually am sleeping a few hours later.

With his rabbit agility classes, I am learning more about bunnies; and one thing I learned is that bunnies need a real companion. They bond with each other (sorta like best friends) and develop great relationships.

Heratio and I have decided he needs a wife. He has girlfriends, but he needs more. He needs a warm body ever night and someone to bicker with, he needs to know he is not alone.

Just like me.

So, we are on the hunt. And to be honest, we are both kind of picky. He likes his woman looking good..all cute like. And I want someone that enjoys cuddling as much as him. we need someone that is laid back, and OK with relaxing and watching movies.

We both agree a bunny his size is best, so a sort of small bunny.

And one we will love. Because I saw Heratio, and knew he was mine, before I even held him. we need that same affection for our new friend.

So, we are on the lookout for a nice piece of ass for Heratio Cane.

Rabbit Agility

2011-08-26T10:40:00.000-05:00

Heratio is taking rabbit agility classes. He is learning how to sit, hop and turn left and right on command.

No, this is not a joke.

Yes, I am paying for these classes.

Now, can we get back to the story please?

He has gone through one class, and he is amazingly good at sit and hop. I tell him ‘heratio sit’ and he sits. I tell him ‘heratio hop’ and most of the time he hops. If you would have seen our walks before, and if you see them now, you would be amazed as well.

But this class is also to socialize bunnies. And that is where there is a problem, you see, heratio is spoiled, and doesn’t exactly know he is a bunny.

So while the other bunnies hop around and say hello, my bunny sat in a corner. And when bunnies came up to him, he put his head to the ground until they hopped away.

Near the end of hoppy hour, he started SMELLING bunnies, and that is a BIG step and I was very proud of him. until about five minutes later when he started biting the other bunnies; and got thrown in time out.

Apparently my rabbit is rather stubborn as well, because apparently he did not learn anything from time out, and went back to biting.

Guess who got kicked out of hoppy hour?

Yea, Heratio Cane. The baddest Bunny around.

My goals.

2011-08-23T10:33:00.001-05:00

People always say ‘if you want something do it’ but no one ever believes them. but this past year, I have done just that. I never thought I would travel or actually meet Gord. I never thought I could afford to move out on my own.

This is the year I found a lot about myself, and its only august. I discovered how strong I am. I found out if I want to do something, I just have to come up with a plan and do it. I DO enjoy travelling. And it feels so good to tell people ‘yea when I was in DC this year…’ ‘oh I got this when I was in Vancouver..’ it makes me feel like I am doing something right.

I can tell people I have accomplished things this year. I have done a lot of things I never thought I would do. I moved out ON MY OWN. I am capable of taking care of myself. I do not need anyone to help me. I can do it. I can achieve things.

Once I decide I want or need something, if I want it bad enough, I will do it. it shows me how strong I am and how independent I can be.

I love this feeling. I love achieving my goals.

The only problem I am having, is that I am running out of goals to achieve.

Vancouver

2011-08-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

Five days after I moved out, I went to the backstreet boys concert (eeekk!) and then flew to Vancouver.

It was amazing. Everything was amazing. I love spending time with Gordon. We saw so many things. He introduced me to mountains and the ocean. He introduced me to suspension bridges and lynn valley. We found how amazing gilato is, and rediscovered hand holding.

I know when I am with him I am taken care of. I know he will not allow anything bad to happen to me. I feel safer with him than I have ever felt my entire life. I think that is one of the reasons we work out so well; he is a protector and I like being protected.

I love his presence. Him just being on the couch and being able to look at him. or waking up in the morning and seeing him. it’s the little things that people that aren’t in a long distance relationship don’t really notice.

I want to go back, the sooner the better. I do not want to be without him. he makes me laugh and smile and I feel perfect when he is around.

With every trip, and with every time we get to be together, the distance gets harder and harder and I miss him more and more. But, we are working on it, and we love each other and want to be together. so as long as that stays the same, everything will work out.

I just want it to work out a wee faster than it is working itself out.

New Home

2011-08-17T10:17:00.000-05:00

I have so much to say! I FINALLY have internet access at my house, so now I can tell you all about my life this past month and a half.

I moved in, and this place is perfect for me. its an old old Victorian home converted into apartments. But it has the old woodwork and the old radiators and the old fireplace and all of that stuff. It fits me well, because I am sort of an old soul type.

I always go overboard when I grocery shop. I mean, its only me, do I really think I need all of those groceries? So, needless to say my cupboards and freezer and fridge are gradually getting filled. Which is exciting because that makes me feel all adult like.

I am much happier on my own that I was living with my parents. I think I have just out grown their home.

I was rather excited when I got my FIRST BILL. That was a sign that this is real, I am grown up, I am an adult. And I am surviving. And I am happy. what more could I ask for?

Operaton

2011-07-24T13:13:00.000-05:00

Operation scare the crap out of myself is working well.

Let me tell you where I have been the past month.

I moved into the city. On Franklin and Park Ave. I have an AMAZING apartment that I love very very much. I moved in and unpacked and it is perfect for me. I truly do love it.

I also went to Vancouver and stayed with le Boyfriend. I love him so gosh darn much. We are so amazing together, it always makes me sad when I BUT little does he know, I will be staying for a month in December. And so he will have to put up with all of my crap then. muahaha. We had a wonderful time, and I really hope it works out with him and I. but if it doesn’t, I will not have any regrets.

I also got to see Lucas!!! He and I hung out, and went down slides and saw duckies. I love that little guy.

I have bookclub tonight, the book was okay. not something I would recommend to anyone though.

I am at the library now, I hope to have my internet set up next week so I can update you all more!

Toodles!

July 7th

2011-07-02T19:53:00.001-05:00

As of July 7th 2011 my life will be changed. I will have my own apartment. I will have a place to call my own. I will have to go to my moms house to do my laundry.

I will have a 600 square foot studio apartment, with a teeny tiny kitchen and a teeny bathroom. With not enough closet space, and it is all mine.

I will have a bay window, and hardwood floors and a decorate fireplace. I will live in an old building with old woodwork.

I will have bills and I will have to be responsible.

And then, 9 days later my life will be changing even more.

I will be going to Vancouver and visiting Gord. And this is the visit where we talk about what it will take for me to stay there longer. What kind of visa I need to get. This will be the visit where we decide the future of our relationship.

This is the year for changes. And I am making them happen. and honestly, I don’t think I have ever been happier.

the one were i gush

2011-06-27T22:09:00.003-05:00

I would like to tell you about my Saturday, but don’t worry I will skip the boring bits.

I don’t know if you know, but my sister moved out. The day after she graduated high school and moved in with her boyfriend. They live about an hour away, so I don’t really see her anymore. The week before this happened I took her out for breakfast and told her how much she means to me and that it is important that her and I stay in touch, and stay friends.

She was in town this past weekend.
And it has only been about 2 weeks since I have seen her, but OMG I missed her so damn much.

So I kidnapped her.

We went to the humane society and pet soft warm animals, and pined over the puppies, knowing neither of us can have one any time soon.

And then we went and I showed her where my apartment is. And we got scared, because it may be a little sketchy.

And then we got lost.
And ended up like 40 minutes away from where we were supposed to be. And I got to hear all about her life. All about what she is doing and things she does. And I was so glad that I took that time to visit her. Because she is going through a lot. And she shouldn’t be going through any of it, but she is. And she will be. So I just sit back and watch. But I loved that she talked to me, and spent time with me. And most important, she opened up to me, and told me all about it. I didn’t ask, I didn’t probe, and I didn’t talk down. I listened and she kept opening up more and more.

And honestly, that was a great feeling. I think she needs someone she can talk to and that person can be me.

And I will have a couch for her to sleep on soon enough.

Paying the rent

2011-06-16T11:13:00.001-05:00

When you sleep until 10:30 in the morning, there isn’t much time to get things done. like putting away clothes or playing with Heratio. Or writing blog posts.

The cunucks did not win the Stanley cup last night, just as I predicted. And Vancouver did have a riot last night, just as Gord had predicted.

I am sort of freaking out right now. I decided I can afford to live on my own, in the city. So I went apartment searching and found The Perfect Place for me. and got approved to move there.

Who can pass up an apartment (studio) that has a bay window, wood floors, granite countertops (albeit it’s a small kitchen), and a decorative fireplace.

I know I couldn’t.

So now I am all omg I cant afford this omg I cant do this omg I am going to be swallowed by bills.

Because that’s just how I am.

Even though, I know I can afford it.

So I am in the freaking out stage right now. And the packing stage. And the sleeping until 10:30am stage.

I am going second hand shopping on Saturday to find the perfect couch to go with my perfect new house.
I suppose I should start getting ready for work now.. gotta pay the rent somehow.

do you want me

2011-05-30T18:54:00.001-05:00

I am moving into the city. Yes. Minneapolis for four months, and I can hardly wait.

My plan? Move to the city, because OMG I LOVE IT THERE and grow as a person and have my own space, and just love life and deal with the stress that everyone deals with and just be normal. and then when I am laid off, I will put everything in storage, and travel around and visit Gord and my aunt and grandma. And it will be lovely.

And then, depending on what happens I will either be roommates with Gord or roommates with my coworker Jeni come January.

So, we shall see what happens.

I am rather exhausted. I could really use a nap, but am trying not to.

I sent a rather sexual picture to Gord and I asked if it turned him on and he said ‘maybe’. Way to make your girlfriend feel like you don’t want her sexually. If that is your goal, you have achieved it. no need to try harder.

And you know? it sucks that I feel that way. because that is important to me. and to be honest, one of the reasons I am losing weight and am working so hard at it, is because I want him to want me.

Because I know he loves me, but does he want me sexually? I have no idea. I don’t feel like he does though.

My room is a mess, but doesn’t napping sound better than cleaning?

I am excited about all of the upcoming adventures, just hate having to wait for them all to happen.

OH! And! I will be visiting Gordie July 16-21st.

Yippers!!

Super excited about that as well.

Anywho, that is sort of an update. I hope everyone is well. Love you all!

back in MN

2011-05-17T10:19:00.001-05:00

I told Gord I am ready to end the distance. I told him its time for us to figure out if we can work together in the same city, or not.

I didn’t word it like that though. but we shall see how it works. Because I am ready to figure things out, and I am honestly sick of the distance. I want to be with him, in the same room as him. not just talk to him on the phone.

So, we shall see how that goes.

I am back in Minnesota now. The trip was amazing. I loved the train, and the city. I found that I love cities a lot.

I gave my two week notice at work, I don’t think I told you about that. yea, I gave it. and the branch manager was so upset, that he offered to create a new position just for me, that way I would have the flexibility to travel like I want.

I hope you are well.

DC trip

2011-05-13T20:03:00.000-05:00

I am in DC right now, with my grandma. Sitting on my bed, eating almond and wheat thin sandwiches. I love this city.

I think I just love cities. I love walking around, and exploring. I love finding the little hidden things. I love asking for the time, just to talk to locals. I love getting lost, and finding my way again. I love LOVE love taking the metro. I love commuting.

I love cities. I loved Chicago, and now I love DC as well. I really would love to live in one for just a little while –hint hint-

We went to Arlington cemetery today that was amazing. I didn’t want to be the weird one that starts crying, but its so overwhelming. Seeing graves everywhere you look. All of those lost lives, for our freedom. It makes me mad that there are so many wars, and it makes me sad for those that have lost so much. So many young men.

And then after that, we went to Georgetown. Were I shopped, to you know, get rid of feeling sad? And I loved it. I love shopping. I got a few cute things.

Tomorrow we go home, on the train. So we will arrive in MN around midnight on Sunday.

I am sorry I have been neglecting you. I just haven’t had time. I am working crazy hours, but I will try harder. Maybe I will have to put blogging on my to-do list. I do love this, so I will have to try harder.

needing

2011-04-11T08:43:00.000-05:00

I told you I didn’t like needing people. I didn’t mind when people needed me, but I work really hard at not needing anyone.

But you wanted me to need you. and I wanted so desperately to need someone and to be needed. I wanted to be normal and not in charge of fixing everyone and everything.

And now you are thinking about leaving. And we don’t know what that will mean for us. It will be more challenging than what we are doing now, we know that. you won’t be around to tell me I am pretty and to tell me you love me. you won’t be able to comfort me when I cant stop crying. will you be able to tuck me in at the end of each night?

You came here and I fell so deeply in love with you. and for once I felt normal. I felt so loved and so needed. I need your love so damn much. If you aren’t around my little world will be shattered.

And I am so scared right now. What if you decide you don’t need me and you go away?

This may just have to do with money to you; but it changes everything for us. If you decide to go away does that mean I am second in your life? Does it mean you don’t want to be with me anymore? what does it mean for our future?

I told you I didn’t like needing people, but you made me feel safe and you made it OK to need you. so why are you even thinking about leaving our comfort zone?

restless

2011-04-10T21:29:00.001-05:00

I feel restless a lot of the time; I think everyone feels like this. I just wonder if I am doing the right thing. Because there are so many things I could change right now. So many things that I could decide aren’t right for me, I could change my mind about one thing and everything could change. And then I could maybe be happier or I could be more miserable. Its enough to make a person go crazy!

I am not allowed to talk about Stacy anymore. because whenever I talk about her it just makes me sad. How can someone you never saw yourself without pick a guy over you? even if she doesn’t realize that’s what she was doing, that’s what she was doing. And I cant talk about it or think about it without crying and getting upset.

and the fact that Gord doesn’t see him and I having a future together. And he makes it so clear that him looking at condos has nothing to do with me. and I KNOW that, and he makes sure to always point it out. Does he know that this hurts me? I know it doesn’t have to do with me, him and I are nowhere near getting a place together. But why does he always have to point it out? Is he really happy with me? does he really want to be with me?

and I am really happy with myself right now. I am exercising and eating super healthy. And I may not be happy with my weight, but I love how I look and have so much confidence and faith in myself. And I LOVE running.

The high from running. Hating it and not being able to breathe and pushing yourself so hard you feel like you are going to throw up. but you don’t care and you keep pushing yourself and pushing yourself. because you can do it. and you WILL do it. and you don’t care what your body is telling you. you don’t care that you cant feel your legs. And you are going to throw up. and then you finish. And you run to the bathroom and sit on the edge of the tub in case you throw up. and you don’t. and you catch your breath. And then you realize that you just pushed yourself so freaking hard. and if you can push yourself that hard in running, you can do anything.

But then you feel restless again. which brings to the beginning of this post again.

23 days left

2011-04-01T10:06:00.001-05:00

So. as of today, I will be giving my two weeks notice in 23 days. I am deliriously happy about this. That means no more putting up with a crappy boss who has to be the center of attention.

This week she has decided I am not allowed to talk -_-
Really?
So I am super happy about this. AND they have me working overtime like crazy so that is extra money to spend..erm I mean save.

I really have to clean my bedroom, but I am having a hard time finding the time to do it.

My granny is going to be here tomorrow, too bad I have to work all day. but we will be going out for dinner on Sunday to celebrate birthdays (mine being one of them) .

Running sucks. But I am still doing it every day. I am trying to get my mile under 18 minutes (hey! I have never ran before in my life, so it’s a big deal!) and having trouble. I got advice from an experienced worker outer, so I hope to have that by next week.

I am thinking about starting a tumblr, and posting my outfit every day on there. because I send a picture to Gord everyday with my outfit already, so why not post it online for everyone to see how cute I am?

A story you say..

2011-03-26T22:28:00.002-05:00

Would you all like a story? Okay, since I am not in the mood to argue, I will share one with you.

Of course it is about when Gord was here, what else would I have a story about that I feel like sharing?

Gord was here. And I was all nervous, but I wanted everything to be amazing (which it ended up being). So. I brought a gift for him to open to break the ice. so he opened his package, which of course was his smitten mitten (a mitten with two arm holes, so you can hold hands while outside walking without freezing your hand off!).

He opened it, and I explained what it was, and then he smiled and put his hand inside it… and asked for my hand.. so I hid it.

No. I am not kidding.

I told you! I was nervous!

And it just dawned on me like two nights ago.. that I rejected him. but I think is okay, because now whenever I think about it, I smile and laugh at the fact that I rejected him and he is still around.

Oh how I love that man.

lemons

2011-03-20T22:47:00.000-05:00

I do not like lemons. I love cooking with lemons, and I love squeezing lemon into my water, but lemons, by themselves? Way too tart/sour for me.

So when life gives me lemons. I freak out. I want to run. I want to get away, there is crying and me trying to run as hard as I can. but I am not a runner (yet), so I get stuck with the lemons. And lately? Against all of my careful planning, life is full of lemons.

And I am going to be honest, I am having a hard time getting the taste out of my mouth, and my face? Oh yea, totally making the sour face pretty much constantly.

And things just seem to be getting worse. Much worse, not better. So I need to decide what I can do with all of these lemons, and here is what I have decided.

1. I am letting go. So, I have a lot of lemons that are not pleasant, and the more they stick around, the worse they are going to become. So I am going to get rid of them, I am going to detach myself from them as much as possible.

2. I am going to stay busy, because if I am busy and constantly moving, it will be harder for them to aim at me.

3. Since I cannot do anything about some of them right now, I am going to let them be. I wont touch them, or look at them, and hopefully they will leave me alone. And then later on, I will be able to just brush them off of me as well.

This will take time and to be honest I have no idea how long I will be able to keep it up. but this is my plan.

update

2011-03-16T22:29:00.000-05:00

Hello my loves! You know? I thought I would update you with what is going on in my life!

So, here is a random post with what I am thinking and feeling and all of that gibberish.

I am working, but plan on quitting my job. I will be giving my 2 week notice on April 23^rd, making my last day the day before my grandma and I go to DC!!! Which I am super excited about. I also now have an elliptical in my bedroom! And I love it! and I can only last 10 minutes on it at a time (you shush), but I used it three times today, and it is getting easier. It makes me feel really good. Well, it makes me feel horrible at the time, but afterwards… I love it.

My best friend is with my exboyfriend. She told me about it abruptly, and hasn’t said anything since then. she has a lot of ‘splaining to do. too bad she refuses to talk to me, gosh darn her. but, I feel I have done what I can, and have made it clear I am willing to try to work things out with her. so the ball is and has been, in her court.

I am obsessed with dresses. And leggings. Yes. I love them.

Heracio is doing well, he is out of food right now. I would rather not talk about how his mother was too lazy to go to the pet store for him. he should learn how to do that stuff on his own! He is 3 now!

And so is LUCAS! It is crazy, it seems like I was visiting him yesterday in the ICU.

If I pause. Rest at all, throughout the day, I get terribly sad. I start thinking about how I have no intimate friends, because the one that I had is acting shaddy. And Kristen, I love her, but its just not the same (please don’t take that the wrong way). and so the only intimate relationship I have is Gord. And I sort of don’t like that. but I wont just post an ad on craigslist to look for a best friend. So I just do things like clean out the fridge, and organize cupboards, and run on the elliptical. And shop online.

I am also volunteering, and trying really hard to figure out what makes me happy, but ya know, I cant just come up with that over night.

So yes. There are some ups and downs going on right now, which is normal. I am simply living life the way it is meant to be lived.

stay positive

2011-03-14T12:04:00.000-05:00

So. sometimes life is sort of rough, and I tend to tumble a lot, and its not always pretty. So here is my list of 15 positive things right now; because in all honestly it is not the positive things I am focusing on.

1. I have been introduced to the Evert brothers and mumford and sons.. and let me tell you they are better than most other music out there.
2. Once my background clears, I will be volunteering, because I have such a shady past ya know
3. Hello there, the new lovely elliptical that will be in my bedroom in less than 72 hours. It is nice to have a best friend again.
4. I cooked on Sunday and 1 of the 2 new recipes were good.
5. My passport will be here in 3-5 weeks, not like I am counting down or anything.
6. Heracio is hopefully going to be a therapy pet someday soon.
7. Only 50ish more days working at trugreen!
8. I have been waking up before 9am.. every day except today (hey no judging!)
9. Spring is here! Dresses are here! Yippie!
10. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast (no worries it was honey bunches of oats)
11. Maggie had surgery and is still alive
12. Whenever I look in the mirror I am surprised at how beautiful I am.
13. When things get hard, I surprise myself with how strong I am.
14. I am not on any medication
15. Gord is going to be tired tonight, so I am going to tuck us in; which means he is the little spoon.

In the blink of an eye

2011-03-02T11:17:00.001-06:00

Somedays I feel that I am the most amazing person on the face of this planet, and Gordon is lucky that I allow him so much time with me. he is lucky someone as beautiful and charming and as caring as me, would allow him so much attention and affection.

And then there are days like today; well to be honest it’s been a rough couple of weeks. I look in the mirror and am all ‘meh this could change and omg what’s with my eyes why do I look 80?’ and the fact that the scale has decided to not only stay the same, but lie to me and say I have gained a pound since last week.

So I take a shower and cry. And sulk. And cry some more.

Because I just want to accept myself on the outside for how it looks. I love myself on the inside, and I think I am a much better person than 99% of the population, but on the outside I suck.

I could think of a million things I could change about myself on the outside. And I don’t know how to stop thinking like this. Even though I try, every single day, to accept myself for how I look, and now for how I want to look.

I stand up for every single women because, we are beautiful just the way we are, but days like today make it hard to believe that fact is the same for me.

I want to be healthy, and fit, and I want Gord to tell me ‘omg I cant stand to be without you for another minute. GET TO VANCOUVER NOW.’

But none of that is going to happen overnight. Life takes time; it’s the longest thing we ever go through. And I want to just get to my goal weight without my body protesting against me. And I want to go to sleep with Gord every single night.

I just want to accept myself for how I am, and not be so hard on myself.

I get told as long as I live a healthy lifestyle, which I am doing, everything else will fall into place. I just wish it would fall into place overnight.

Stacy and I

2011-02-22T11:56:00.000-06:00

I forget sometimes that people that care about me and know me read this blog, and I hate to say it, but I am too busy to talk to them and give them detail events of everything. So, this is what happened with Stacy and I. Its long, and makes me cry. but this is my side of the story.
---

Alright, this is the story of what happened with stacy and I. I know that there are two sides to every story, and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I in no way expect you to take any sides at all, or even get involved. But this is what I feel happened.

Her and I were fighting, and we emailed back and forth and came up with things that both of us have to change. She wanted me to make more of an effort to talk to her, and be the one to initiate conversations and texts, and she also wanted me to tell her more about what was going on in my life. She felt like she was getting left behind. I wanted her to listen more, and talk less. Because I felt like she didn’t care, so I didn’t say much.

So we go together at perkins a few nights later (I invited her) and she said a lot of really hurtful things, and it got to the point where I told her I was leaving and asked if she was staying, or leaving with me. she said she would go, I went home and started crying. this was back in September.

In late September she sent me a text saying she decided to move out on her own. I felt blindsided because she didn’t talk to me about it, or ask how I felt about it. I know I have no say in what she did, but it would have been nice just to be included. So, I didn’t say any of that. I simply said that makes sense since she can, and asked her when she was going to sign the lease and move in. she told me her dad and her already signed the lease, and she was moving in October first.

I congratulated her and was happy for her. it was a big step, and she needed the support of her friends. I texted her every couple of days asking her what she was up to or how she was, and she would respond with one word answers. Which, as you know, is not normal for her. I knew that she didn’t want to talk, so I just let it be, I was doing what I said I would, I was making an effort to talk to her.

She didn’t have time to get together with me. she was too busy working and whatnot, but her and Kristen would always hang out. I felt that she didn’t really want to spend time with me, and that something was going on that she wasn’t telling me. but I didn’t say anything, because she already wasn’t talking to me and I didn’t want to start a fight.

Finally I told her I should maybe come over after work one night to bring over all of the stuff I had for our apartment (because remember I was supposed to move in). there was TONS of stuff that my aunt and grandparents had gotten for her and I. she agreeded to that, and that night she didn’t really talk to me. I enjoyed her company and although she was really quiet, it felt really good to hang out with my best friend. We were in bed, about to go to sleep and I told her that I have really missed her, and I enjoyed spending time with her. she responded with ‘umm okay’.

And then the next day, I had to get up and go to work, and off I went. The next time I heard from her was an invitation I got in the mail. A open house to HER new apartment. I was hurt because I thought maybe she would wait until I moved in, or at least include me in the party planning? Maybe talk to me about it? but she didn’t do any of that.

So, again, I kept my feelings to myself, because a good friend supports her friend no matter what. And stacy needed support, and again, this was a really big step. moving out on her own and everything.

So my family and I went to her party, and I was surprised that I had a really good time. everyone left except for Kristen, stacy, my sister, Robbie, and i. and we played games and had a really great time. Kristen brought me home, and on the way we were talking about how great the night was and how much fun it was hanging out together again, and how fun Robbie was, and how stacy and him should really talk again.

The next day I tried texting stacy, and I got one word responses. After a few days of this, I asked her if she was mad. she told me yes. I was EMBARRASING around Robbie…um what? Apparently she didn’t like some of the things I said, and she didn’t like how I acted.

At this point I had had enough of her treating me so horribly. I told her I acted like myself, and I will not change who I am to make other people happy. she couldn’t think of anything that I did that was embarrassing, just that I was. And if you are embarrassed by something someone does, you usually remember. My sister says its simply because I had no problem talking to Robbie, and stacy is jealous of that.
But anywho back to the texts. I told stacy as her friend, I deserve much more respect than she has been giving me and I deserve to be treated better. She responded with ‘ok’. I told her if she didn’t want me moving in with her, I was completely fine with that, because her and mine friendship means a lot more to me than moving in together. She simply had to tell me. she didn’t respond to me.

I worked it out that I would be able to move in December first. I told stacy that, and I told stacy that I should apply to the place so that way everything was set up. I asked her when she would be available so she could go with me, since you know, I would be living there with her. she told me she wouldn’t have time to go with me.

So about a week or so later I went with my mom. Her and I signed the papers and they said all I have to pass is the background check since stacy already is approved and lives there.

However long later, I got a call saying that I was approved, and all that needs to be done is to have stacy, her cosigner and me sign the lease again so we are all three on it.

All of a sudden stacy was saying her and I have things to talka bout before that happens, I said that’s fine, and asked her when we could get together to talk things over then. she told me she didn’t have time. I said that we needed to talk things over so I could pack my stuff and get everything settled and I had to make arrangements to start moving, she told me I shouldn’t be in such a rush we had time. it was November first, I had a month. I told her I didn’t want to pack and then have her change her mind. so I needed some sort of commitment from. She told me ‘you are just clinging to this’. I asked her what she was talking about. She said I was freaking her out and she needed time to think. We continued texting for four hours. It sounded like she was just saying what her mom and dad were telling her to say, the converstion didn’t sound like her at all. And it ended with ‘you neeed to let me know tomorrow when we can get together to talk about everything or when I can pick up my stuff’

She didn’t respond to that.

I haven’t heard from her since that day.

I have tried to text her, and she wont respond. I wrote in m blog about how much I miss her, and how horrible and empty I feel without her in my life, and she didn’t respond to that.

I miss her so much. I miss her every day. there are so many things that are happening that SHE should be part of. and that I should be part of. and its all wrong, this is all wrong. and I hate it. but I also don’t want to be friends with someone that treats me the way she was treating me. and I don’t know what else to do. I know if I apologize for how things are, then that means she has the power again, which is what she wants. And we are back to her treating me like crap, and belittling me and her hurting me again. so SHE needs to talk to me first, and make an effort so that way things will change.

Gah. You know, its still to the point that I am sitting here crying as I write this out. It just hurts not having her in my life. There is so much that I want to tell her, and that I want to ask her. and its just horrible. and I hate it, but I don’t know how to change things.

And I know there are spelling and grammatical errors in this, but I have to switch loads of laundry and get ready for work, I am behind now, this took me much longer than I thought it would to write out.

One New Year Resolution

2011-02-17T10:38:00.001-06:00

I get into these phases where I want to do more with my life, I want to help more people and discover more of the world. I want to take more risks, and worry less what people think of me. I have decided that this, this is the year to do just that.

2011 is the year of not worrying about my future, and what I am going to do when I grow up. I am not going to worry about anything other than exploring who I am, and discovering things I want to discover.

I already have a few of my adventures planned, and ready to go; I am just waiting for the dates to get here.

In April I am quitting my job, and getting another part time job, so I have the flexibility to go on adventures and vacations and spend time with my friends and see my family.

In May I am going on a TRAIN to Washington DC with my grandmother to explore this countries past, and practice my photography skills.

In June I am going to see GLEE LIVE.

In July I will be going to see BACKSTREET BOYS eeekk!!! (super great seats for that one).

I am not sure what I am going to do for August yet, but I am hoping a trip to Vancouver –hint hint-

And in September I am going on a cruise with my aunt.

I hope it to be a good year, with lots of adventures and exploring, and discovering more about me. and come next year, I will take responsibility for my future again.

Age

2011-02-10T11:53:00.001-06:00

it is no secret that Gord is older than me. by about 15 years. And to me, that doesn’t matter. I love him and want to be with him. I find that we complement each other very well, and are sort of the ying to each other’s yang.

But he feels like he would hold me back. He doesn’t want to travel, and he doesn’t want me to have to take care of him. At this moment in time he does not see us getting married, or having kids. He can’t really picture a future with us.

But he wants to be with me, and he loves me more than he has loved before. And he sees us as really well together. He just doesn’t see us having a future.

And when we talk about this, I but on my brave face and I pretend that it doesn’t hurt me. The man that I want to be with, doesn’t see himself with me.

My head keeps going in circles, is he with me now because he doesn’t want to break my heart? Because he doesn’t want to be alone? Is he with me now because it is habit for him, and he doesn’t want to break that habit yet?

Is he just prolonging my heartbreak?

Am I being stupid by hoping and being positive that this will pass, and he will overcome this age thing, at least enough to give us a chance to try and have a future together?

I want to be with him, and I will fight with everything I have to make him and I work. And we may not last forever, but I just want the chance to TRY and see if we can last. I want him to allow us to go on the adventure of our relationship together. And if we don’t work, it would be a learning experience for him and I. but he wont even let us have that change right now.

So, I am trying not to think about it, and being brave and pretending that it doesn’t hurt that he doesn’t see us having a future, because I really want to enjoy everything about him while I can.

mirror

2011-01-18T11:59:00.001-06:00

I just got done standing in front of the mirror. My body on display, for me, so I could inspect it, and take note of all of the things that I like and dislike.

And it makes me mad at myself. Because I am working so hard at changing my body, and you can see such a big difference, and you can see my hard work. but I am still not satisfied. And instead of thinking about how much I have accomplished, my mind went to how much I still have to do.

I am worried my body will never be what I want it to be, and I will never be happy with what I see in the mirror. And I hate that about myself. Because I know I am beautiful, and I know how talented and how amazing of a person I am. So why can I not just be happy with what I see in the mirror?

the little brat

2011-01-14T11:09:00.000-06:00

May we talk about my sister for a minute or 10?

I love her so freaking much. I look at her and I see how different from me she is. She is much rougher around the edges, and refuses to correct her grammar, even though I politely point out what she does wrong. she hates reading, but sometimes buys books ‘just in case’ she will like it.

I had a great day at work the other day, and decided to take her out somewhere. It surprised me how happy I was to have her next to me. we share secrets, share plans we refuse to tell our mom about. We laughed, and danced. And we just got each other.

I think its just a sister thing, I don’t have to explain to her when I talk to myself, or why I am doing something strange; she just knows.

I love going out with her. I love our little ‘dates’ together. I love how well we take care of each other, and how amazing it is that we are always looking out for each other.

There are times that I really dislike some of her decisions she makes, and I don’t always like her. but I am glad she is my sister, and I would be extremely lonely without her.

Yippie! pictures!

2011-01-08T14:05:00.003-06:00

Gord and I in Chicago, right next to the GIANT bean.

This is Gord and I, getting muddy on a walk in Des Moines
(I think I enjoyed that a bit more than him)

PIZZA!!!

Gordie with his coffee, of course.

Me! on our way to Chicago.

This is the first bed Gordie and I cuddled in.

Overall, I had an amazing time on this trip. I loved all of our little adventures, and holding Gords hand. Everything was perfect, and exceeded all of my expectations. I really love this man.

more time

2011-01-06T09:09:00.001-06:00

The trip went very well. I honestly have never been happier. Being with him every day was amazing to me. I loved waking up with him, and going to sleep with him. I loved waking up in the middle of the night because he moved around and I need to reposition my cuddle position. I loved holding hands and touching him. I loved how he kissed me on my forehead every night before we went to sleep. Everything was perfect.

I don’t want to be without him. I want to be with him, I want him to come home from work to find me waiting for him. I want to try cooking so he will have one less thing to do when he gets home from work. I want to take care of him and make his life easier. I want to get a passport and have an adventure. I feel that I am young enough, I can quit my full time job and go and see him for an extensive period of time, so we can figure out if we are right for each other.

I brought this up with him last night, and his thoughts were much different from mine. He had a great time, but our age difference really bothered him; and he is not sure we can overcome it. He is not sure if he can see us in 20 years together. He asked for time, he is not ready for me to visit him yet (he just left here two days ago). He wants us to take our time, and to see how things go.

I did the ‘be strong and not let him know how horrible this sounds to you’ thing. I told him he has to be fair to me, and if he decides it’s not going to work out, he has to tell me right away.

But it made me incredibly sad. Sitting here going over this again, and with him not being on the phone, I can let out how I am feeling, and I can cry.

I want him to hold me, and tell me he is sorry for saying that, that he loves me and he doesn’t care about how young I am. But I know that isn’t realistic, and life does not work that way. So we are taking our time, and I am praying as hard as I can, that our age difference is not something that we cannot overcome.

first night

2010-12-29T17:50:00.000-06:00

You know, they always say your first time is the most nerve wrecking, and it almost always gets better after that.

I found that out last night.

Gord was in the shower and I hurried and changed into my pajamas (hey I didn’t want him walking in on me standing there in the nude and he would be all soapy. Not my kind of story) and got into bed. once in bed, I began to freak out. I have never ever in my entire 21 and ½ years shared a bed with a man, or a boyfriend. And I was freaking out. And I didn’t know if he liked me or not, and I wasn’t sure how it would go. And so I freaked out.

When he got out of the shower he found me sitting in bed wrapped in the blankets, not ready to go to bed. he said he was tired, and leaned over to turn off his light. I turned mine off as well; and the darkness filled the room.

And let me just tell you, I felt instantly better. The next thing I know he tells me ‘lets cuddle love’ and his arm is being wrapped around me, and I am continuing to freak out.

And I am not moving. And stiff. And making sure oh my god don’t move because then he will get interrupted and he may not like that.

And then he told me I could move.

And I started to calm down. And I felt him kiss my forehead. And his arms were wrapped around me, and it felt amazing. And perfect.

And I loved every minute of it.

And I really mean, I loved every minute of it. because it was super hot in the room (probably because I was nice and set the temp to 80 degrees before we went to bed) and with me getting all frisky with his hand being on my lower back for a little while. I did not get any sleep.

But him not getting any sleep made me feel better.

And tonight, I am not nervous. And you best believe his arm better be around me again. because that is the only way I want to sleep.

nervous

2010-12-23T14:27:00.001-06:00

I am starting to get nervous about Gord coming. Meeting for the first time. I am not worrying about the rational things, like him liking me or us having chemistry. I am more worried about things like:

What if he pictured me taller?
What happens if he doesn’t find me attractive?
Omg what happens if he doesn’t show up and I am just stranded at the airport and there is a blizzard and it turns into a horror movie?
What if my breath spells?
What if I forget my deodorant? Would it be awkward to borrow his?
What if he decides he doesn’t like me upon seeing me in person?

Ya know, these are the thing EVERY person should worry about when meeting their boyfriend for the first time at the airport.

happy list

2010-12-21T14:22:00.000-06:00

I have a lot to be happy about right now; and to be honest I don’t really have anything to make me unhappy. So, I thought I would make a list of 10 things that make me unbelievably happy right now.

1. I found a website that allows me to watch tv series online, so I am watching buffy from episode one (I am on episode 6 right now! Yippie!)
2. Christmas is almost here. Which is never ever a bad thing, but this is especially good for me. because once Christmas is here I will REALLY stop Christmas shopping. Since I don’t really have any other choice.
3. I am getting along well with my family right now.
4. Heracio makes me smile every day. mostly because his cage looks like a disaster and if I fix it, he gets uberly pissed and fixes it how he wants it (which is a mess).
5. I already know what my new years resolutions are going to be.
6. I have pictures all over my room that I have taken, and I LOVE looking at them all of the time.
7. I get to go to my grandmas for Christmas, I haven’t been there for a very very long time.
8. I have goals right now, and am looking in to a few things.
9. I painted my nails with sparkle nail polish today. I thought it would be fun for Christmas (and then will be taken off).
10. Gord will be here NEXT TUESDAY. He will be here next week. yippie! I will write more about that later.

no worries

2010-12-07T14:41:00.001-06:00

I am not going to lie, I like the fact that Gord has money. It means I know he will get me something for my birthday. It means if I ever tell him ‘I would like to go to Vancouver RIGHT NOW’ I will have a ticket. I know if anything happens to me, and he needs to come here, he doesn’t have to worry about the money to get here.

It means the mini-roadtrip we are taking in 3 weeks will be a lot more luxurious than I am used to. if he had the same income I do, we would be staying in Minnesota, in an adequate hotel. But we are staying in suites. We made dinner reservations at a restaurant that has a dress code.

And I am not worried about affording anything, because I know he can afford it. Will I treat him to dinner a few times? Yes. Do I have to? No. but it will make me feel good to treat him, and I think he will like that I never expect him to pay.

I will have enough money to pay for myself, for everything we do. Because I feel that is what is right. It is extremely nice of him to take care of everything, but I know he is doing it because he wants to, not because he has to. And I think that is how it should be.

fuck.. wait what?

2010-12-06T14:51:00.000-06:00

I find that I like the word fuck right now. I have no idea why. I am not a curser, in fact, if someone curses around me it is usually followed by a ‘no cursing!’ from me. but in my head its
Fuck this.
Fuck that.
Fuck it.
And I have no idea why. I have even started cursing aloud when I am by myself. But do not fear, I know I must keep up the ‘no cursing’ rule, so I would never ever curse in front of anyone else. At least not yet.

nutshell

2010-12-01T19:35:00.001-06:00

I got off of work today at 5pm. I drove home, and by 5:24 I was already in pajamas. I sat down at my computer, and tried to decide to eat dinner, or skip it. I can’t help but check my email every few hours just to see if she decided to make contact with me. After not wanting anything to do with me, she decided to send a thank you card. A fucking thank you card, telling me she appreciated me going to her apartment and checking it out. To tell me she was happy I could see it.

I shouldn’t have opened that letter. I saw her return address and knew it wouldn’t be good. Gord is going to be here at the end of the month. You know how exciting that is to say? The end of the month and he will be here. Less than 30 days. It seems sort of unreal. He has always simply been over the phone. But he will be here. I will be able to taste him and touch him. I am a wee nervous about the touching part, but it will be okay. I haven’t decided either way on how much touching we will be doing, I am doing the ‘wait and see’ thing.

I decided to have thanksgiving left over’s for dinner. It was pretty good. For lunch I brought pizza rolls to work. I think everyone was a bit jealous.

I am in bed now, showered and in pajamas. I have to catch up on my DVR.

Tomorrow if it is nice enough out, I would like to walk to the pirate ship park. And then I can come home and get ready for work.

I have to find a way to stop missing her. It is not good for me.

guest post

2010-11-27T13:41:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I have really BRILLIANT ideas that no one really accepts as brilliant. I have a lot of beliefs, and I feel everyone else has just as many as me (at least that is what I like to think). So, I set out a quest to get some beliefs out of Gord. Apparently this is all that he believes in because he started getting cranky at me for continually pestering him about needing to believe in more. So, for your viewing pleasure here is his list. Aka my VERY FIRST guest post (it still counts even though the guest didn’t really know he was guest posting)!

1. I believe bacon tastes great with breakfast
2. I believe in a cold beer after a hard days work
3. I believe in a glass of wine after a good meal
4. I believe a man should be paid what he is worth; not a penny more, or a penny less
5. I believe in fairness
6. And honesty
7. I believe in people that are honorable
8. I believe respect is something that is earned
9. I believe in working hard
10. I believe in Murphy’s Law
11. I believe sometimes you should just stay in bed because the day is not going to go your way
12. I believe you cannot expect other people to treat you well, if you are not going to treat them well.
13. I believe in euthanasia and abortion
14. I believe romance is not dead in this world, its just that a lot of people have forgotten it

must know

2010-11-23T15:36:00.001-06:00

Things you may not know about me but should:

1. I see everything in picture form. It doesn’t matter if I have my camera handy or not, I am always thinking ‘omg… that would make an amazing picture’; sometimes that feeling gets so strong I have to stop and take a picture with my phone.
2. I refuse to be mean to someone. I believe there is a difference between being mean and standing up for ones self.
3. I am loud. And I don’t care if people look at me because of it.
4. i always give people the benefit of the doubt. I see things through their eyes as much as I can. It takes something very big for me to decide I don’t like someone, but once I decide that, there is no going back.
5. I am much better at spending money than saving it, I have no self control when I am shopping. That is why I refuse to get a credit card.
6. I watch Ellen everyday.. it takes me about 20 minutes to get through one episode.
7. I buy all of my books because that is cheaper than paying off my library fine.
8. I think about Christmas year round.
9. Heracio is my pet rabbit. My next pet after him will be a dog.
10. I do not like waiting. When something feels right, I want it to happen in that moment. I don’t like waiting until a certain time or date.
11. I am 21 ½. Yes, I did celebrate.
12. I enjoy eating. But I am learning to control that.
13. In high school I was quiet because I knew I was different but didn’t want anyone to dislike me because of it. now that I am older I am more myself than ever before, and I find people like me more.
14. Sometimes I pretend to be mad when really I am hurting.
15. I finished my Christmas shopping well before thanksgiving this year.

Battling the Day

2010-11-21T12:07:00.000-06:00

Gord is busy. He runs a company. The time he can spend talking to me is limited. That is how it was when him and I started talking, and that is how it always has been. This will not be changing. These are facts. These are things that I live with and I deal with because I want to be with him.

But sometimes I hate it. I want him to stay in bed and forget about his coffee. I want him to tell me it is all right, and no matter what happens he loves me. I want him to make me feel better. I want to sit on the phone and just know he is there when I am ready to talk. When I am ready to cry.

But he is busy. He has work to do. and so he has to get up in the morning and get his coffee, so he can start on his day.

And I have to battle the day without him.

ex bestie

2010-11-11T12:32:00.000-06:00

This picture makes me sad.

I think it was taken when everyone in the picture was having a lot of fun. Everyone was happy and excited about what was going on. We were all talking and laughing.

This was the last time I saw my best friend.
And let me tell you, I miss her more than I am willing to admit.

At this point in time I don’t even consider her a friend, because of how she has been acting.

That picture is the last memories I may ever have with her.

perfect fit

2010-11-08T12:19:00.001-06:00

I opened the blinds in my bedroom for the first time in a very long time today, and would you like to know what I see? A finch; and that is about the time I realize I have never seen one before so how in the world do I know it is really a finch? Because I simply just know it is.

That is sort of how I got a guinea pig. I heard the name somewhere or read it, but I had never seen one. But I knew I would LOVE it if I got one. So, for Christmas one year I got one, and I realized how much I loved it. the guinea pig was perfect for me, and it just felt right.

I make a lot of decisions on what feels right. Its how I decide on most large purchases.

That’s how I picked out my car. I KNEW it was right for me, it just fit me so well. Its also how I make important, life changing decisions. My job at trugreen just FEELS right. It fits me, and its not perfect but it is definitely meant to be.

Sometimes I do things that people don’t understand. My parents didn’t understand why I wanted a guinea pig. No one understood why I loved the car so much and why I was so hell bent on buying that one.

But it all worked out.

It is time for Gord and I to meet. It feels right. I feel that it is supposed to happen now.

I am not a patient person, I will be the first to admit that. so when I decided I was FINALLY ready to meet him and his reaction is ‘well, we will have to look at when we can meet up’ and he has to talk to people and I am supposed to talk to people but probably won’t. we need to plan things out and yadda yadda.

Gosh darn businessmen and their careful planning.

So, I would like this ASAP, tomorrow would be perfect. But he would like it to be around new years, and his birthday (January third). And so we will have to talk to our people and get back to each other. And plan. And plan. And plan.

And can I be honest? I am going through stages or worry

‘omg first kiss! what if I am not good at this stuff?’
‘I am so not having sex yet, what if he gets mad?’
‘eekk!! What if we hate each other?’
‘what if I am nervous so I ramble and he falls asleep with my rambling?’

And then there are the other stages where I KNOW everything will be alright. This is the first step of us expanding our relationship. He will visit here and then i will get a passport so I can visit him, and see the things he loves. And in time, we will decide what is best for us. And I KNOW, I simply KNOW this is what is meant to be. It feels right. And there is no need for me to get mad that we have to wait so long, and I don’t have to worry about being smelly. It will be perfect and better than I have imagined.

Because it is time. And it is right.
And I can hardly wait for everything to happen… I just wish it could happen RIGHT NOW.

Love

2010-11-06T13:50:00.001-05:00

Dear Gord,
I really want to update our site today but you said you wanted to do it. and if I am being honest, I like reading your posts more than I like doing them. I made an omelet for breakfast; well it was more scrambled eggs with green pepper and cheese mixed in. but I tired.

You know when we first started talking, and you said something about not being in a hurry to meet, and we will do it when I am ready, but you also said I had to be fair to you; you couldn’t wait forever. And you said something about waiting five years. And in my head I was like ‘yikes, five years I will be 25 and I will still be really young. Maybe we should forget about this because I don’t know if I will be ready’ but I didn’t. because I am sort of selfish when it comes to you.

I have a confession, I have a lot of energy right now, but I have decided I don’t want to do anything. Other than dance, and write this to you. so, I think that is productive enough. Because when you see me dancing, you will realize how entertaining it is. Trust me.

I am amazed at us. I am amazed at everything we have gone through and how strong we are because of it. I am amazed at your ability to love me JUST the way I am.

When my grandma was here last week she made a comment about how happy I am, and how I just seem to ‘glow’. And I laughed and said it was just because I was happy to see her. But I think her and I both know its because of you. by you being yourself, you teach me things every day. you have helped me grow as a person so much this past 10 months.

I am glad we don’t fight. Because I don’t like fighting, and getting all worked up and getting angry at people. I really hate that.

I don’t know what I would do without you. you brighten up my days. you make me smile and laugh every day (even when you are exhausted). I would not change a thing about you.

Thank you for being in my life and being such a powerful presence.

I love you with all of my heart, and I hope we continue to grow together and experience all of life’s obstacles together.

Your Love,
Jessica

( I would have mailed this to you.. but I think it may be your turn on the penpal thing)

stories that are short.

2010-10-26T16:01:00.001-05:00

Short stories:

I thought the T. Swift cd came out on Tuesday… so I had my lazy day on Monday, and was going to go out and get it on Tuesday and start packing and whatnot. Well, then I found out it actually came out on Monday –insert squeal here-!!!!! So, I got dressed and in my wet hair (I had just gotten out of the shower) I went to the bank. And I thought it was awfully nice that the lady asked me if it was raining out. And it was sprinkling a little, but not as hard as it looked like with my wet hair. So I explained about T.Swift and then realized she was giving me a crazy look because she was asking about the rain because of the umbrella I had in my hand..

I was going out to take pictures today. And I had my camera ready, and I found the shoe that I wanted, and searched and searched for the other shoe. I had no idea where it went, it should have been right there next to the other shoe. I looked down, thinking maybe I missed it; and found the shoe… on my foot.

I hope you are all having a good week!! this lazy week sure is going slow!

Tata!

coffee table Love

2010-10-19T11:10:00.006-05:00

Stacy has moved into the apartment, and i will be moving in December 1st. we have everything we need, other than a coffee table. so My Love, Gord, said he would like to get that for us as a moving in present.

Him and I were talking about what Stacy and I want, and it seemed we were all three on the same page. something simple that can hold storage.

And then Gord and I both did a google search.. and the thoughts of this being easy diminished. he showed me this:

... and that is not at all what Stacy and I were thinking.

So, since I am the nicest girl ever I tried to steer him in the right direction with this piece:

My Love informed me that was not a coffee table.. but an ottoman, since I am young and hip -ahem- I educated him on this being the new trend; he still doesnt seem to be too fond of trends that are from 1940 and beyond.

I am still playing nice and I found a piece that is a good match for what we both want:

... and Mr. Picky does really like the wood on something like this.. but he doesn't really like the top of it.

And this is picking out a coffee table for a place he isnt even living in. this is making me nervous for the day (if the day comes) that him and I decorate a house we will be living in together.

Well, at least he goes on a hunting trip for a week.. that would be enough time to decorate a house.. right?

oohhh I love fall

2010-10-10T13:13:00.001-05:00

positive me is back!

2010-10-07T12:22:00.000-05:00

I think part of growing up is feeling inadequate.

You feel like your body is inadequate, because you do not look like the airbrushed girls in magazines.
There is something you can always do better at work, and you feel like you fall short no matter how hard you work.
You always feel like you let down your friends. Whether its because you don’t have enough time to spend with them, or because you are too busy when they need you the most.

Would you guys like to know a secret? That may not really be a secret at all, but I like to think it is?

I battle with low self-esteem. I know I am an amazing person, I know I am not perfect, but I am myself, and I am true to myself, and that to me, is perfect.

Before Gord and I were well, Gord and I, he told me he only used to go for the perfect girls. HELLO I am far from perfect. And there is this nagging voice in the back of my head that I am not perfect, so I will not be good enough for him. but then I remind myself that he is with me. and he loves me for me, not for my body. he doesn’t love me for sex (good thing since I live about 3000 miles away). And he loved me before he even knew what I looked like. And by eating healthy and exercising, I can change my body; but I will never have a perfect body. and I like to think that he is okay with that because he loves me.

Lately I have been posting super negative posts. And I noticed it, but haven’t taken the time to fix it. and this post IS FIXING THAT. Because I HATE when I get all negative Nancy.

So. here is to being positive, again. And this is me vowing to talk more about my body issues and all of that important stuff on this here blog. Because like I have said before, this blog is meant to talk about everything. I know I am not the only one that has these issues. And I know, if I realize I am not alone I feel better; so talking about my issues and the areas that I feel are inadequate will help other people feel better and not so alone, than I am all for it!

(of course I will be putting a positive spin on it!)

forever ends

2010-10-03T20:05:00.000-05:00

I can’t think about it. All of the memories we made together, all of the experiences we had together. I think about how hard I have tried to change things and to make them right, and knowing nothing I have done has saved us.

I feel as if we both have failed at this. We promised each other change, and neither of us allowed it to happen.

It is hard to accept when forever ends.

taboo no more.

2010-09-22T22:10:00.001-05:00

When I started this blog, I decided nothing would be off-limits. I would talk about whatever I wanted, however I felt I wanted to talk about it. Gord is a very private person; him and I had a conversation and he said that he will not tell me I cannot write about sex, but he is not comfortable with it himself. He would not stop me from writing about it, and I can do as I wish.

Since he is not comfortable with it, I decided not to write about it. but lately I have been thinking; I write about sex because it seems so taboo for women to masturbate, and even more taboo for them to talk about it.

So I have decided to open up the SEX door again, and share my stories with all of you.

I never got aroused or turned on my fingering or penetration myself with some toy. It was just sort of ‘meh I should do it to prepare myself for sex’ but then somewhere along the lines I found I really enjoy using one small vibe as a dildo, and placing another one on my clit. The orgasms aren’t as intense, but I enjoy the feeling of having something inside me.

Since I seem to kill all of my vibes, it was only a matter of time before the one I was using on my clit buzzed out (teehee). That left me with either fingering myself, or buying a new toy.

HELLLOOOO new toy!!!

….it turned out to be a horrible toy, and I have not used it since the day a bought it (yea yea I rush home to try the new toys out when I get them, so what).

So I just decided my clit was fine and dandy. It gets the job done.

Well, lately I find that I FREAKING LOVE fingering myself with a vibe on my clit.

Oh my gosh. Again, orgasm is not as strong, but I LOVE the feeling.

And isn’t masturbating all about the feeling?

maybe i am wrong

2010-09-13T11:33:00.000-05:00

I see myself as a really great person. I feel that I have great morals, I hold myself to a high standard. I am honest, I care about others. I love everyone and do not judge. I see myself as a very nice, very caring person.

But could I be wrong?

Over this past week or two, friends and family have been coming out of the woodwork and telling me how horrible of a person I am. I have been getting told how selfish and rude I am. I have been getting told that I don’t care about anyone but myself and am pushing all of my friends away in order to get what I want.

I like to believe that all of the people that tell me those things are wrong. they do not know me or simply want to believe I am a horrible person to make themselves feel better. I hold myself up and stay strong. I stay true to what I believe and ignore what they say.

But, I have a confession.

I am starting to doubt myself. If all of these people see me as such a horrible person, if they see me as so selfish and such a self centered person, maybe they are right. There is the saying ‘maybe its not everyone else, maybe its you’ that may hold true here.

The people that I have in my corner are becoming fewer and fewer but the other side of the ring is growing stronger and gaining fans all of the time.

I do not see myself as a bad person. I see myself as the type of person I would look up to; but what if I am wrong and am looking up to selfish people that push everyone down in order to get on top?

how to rest

2010-09-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

The slow but steady steps to becoming sick:

Day one: nose is sniffly and people ask if you are getting sick, the only way to handle this step: DENY DENY DENY!

Day two: nose is still sniffly and your voice sometimes decides to play hide and seek. The best way to deal with this is to ignore the signs and continue to tell yourself and anyone that asks that you are NOT getting sick.

Day three: go to sleep at 11pm and wake up at 4pm, its not because you are sick. It is because you had to catch up on your sleep. When people say you look pale, just say you are losing your tan.

Day four: wake up feeling like cement. Head feels heavier than the world. Sleep sleep sleep. Voice is now full on a ‘sick voice’. People say you look like crap, and you do not have the strength to do anything. You are not sick, you simply are relaxing on the holiday.